So upset by my parents - don't know how to react....

[fifitot]

Any advice on this most welcome.

I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my mother. She is a worrier to the point where it is chronic and almost psychotic. She has had CBT for it. I tend to keep most worrying things to myself because of it. In addition she is one of those people who thinks she can just say what she wants without consequences and I think she is very selfish.

I find myself unexpectedly pregnant again in my 40s. Granted it is not the best in terms of my age, my financial situation etc. However I am pleased.

I didn't tell her I was pg for a while as I suspected she would be stressed. However I really didn't expect the extreme reaction I got today. She was weeping and wailing, finding every negative under the sun such as risks to me and the child (of course we have already considered these), having no money (we have, though 2 kids costs more than 1 obviously), the fact I will be an 'old woman' when the kids are in their teens, how stressed out and tired I am with just one ( aren't all parents...)

i could go on. I found it insulting that she thinks as an adult woman with a bloody responsible job, I can't handle life with 2 children. Yes it's hard but FFS people do it. I am older but age doesn't always go with ill health does it?

I am so hurt. Both my parents kept going how about how worried they were and how I 'have to see it from their point of view'. Well yes but what about mine???? The worst things was she said ' don't expect congratulations because I don't think it's appropriate'.

I am so upset. I know there are negatives to this situation but if you have a glass half empty approach to life when would you ever be happy?

They live 200ml away so don't see them every day but tbh feel like just not speaking to them for a while. I am going to get DH to screen my calls, let them stew in their own juices. I really don't think I should spend my time placating them, making them feel happy with what's happened. Where is my support? I get criticism for a basic and not uncommon occurence - an unplanned pg.

Any suggestions? i feel desperate really and feel I don't ever want to speak to them again!

Sorry for rambling post and too long I know.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Keep away from them, and enjoy your pregnancy. Sounds like your mum is a mega drama queen - let her be, but not near you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

My parents frequently do the "we're so worried about you" thing. It is an attempt to control.

You need to change your relationship with your parents drastically.

Ask yourself why their opinion matters to you so much.

You are 40, not 70. Of course you can have another baby - it's completely normal and something that is lovely. How dare they cast this black cloud over your happiness? My parents did similar with my marriage and my two pregnancies. It is about them feeling they are losing control of you - they resent the fact it's not all about them anymore.

Don't let them make it about them - cos it's not. This is your life and they need to earn their place in it, frankly.

God parents, eh? My mum's first response to hearing about my pregnancy with number three was along the lines of 'but I've told all my friends you have completed your family'. I was pretty speachless at the time. What, so you don't want me to have another baby because you might look stupid in the eyes of your friends, most of whom I've never met!!

I have the benefit of time and I can see the complete ridiculousness of what she said. But I do advise humour as a way of getting past the hurt. Just because they look like grown-ups doesn't mean that they ARE grown-ups. Quite frankly they sound like jealous temper-tantruming toddlers.

And let me add your congratulations. For what it's worth, from what you have said about you and your situation, I don't see that there are any negatives to your situation. You're pleased, you'll find ways round everything else.

Distance yourself and look elsewhere for support. In pregnancy, it's particularly important to keep away from people who drain your energy.

fifitoto, I am fuming on your behalf for the stupid reaction you mother had! How dare she?

Congratulations, I am so happy for you!

I would like to add to the thread that the idea that only now we have older mothers is completely untrue. In older times, women did start to have children earlier, but kept having them into their forties. My grandma has just died at 99 years of age, and had 6 children, the latest two after 40.

Yes, there are higher risks, but we all have to take the risks in proportion. If a risk is increased from 1:100000 to 1:10000 it is still a very low risk. We have the means nowadays to rule out most of these risks before the baby is born. Why the hell are we worrying much more now than 50 years ago at this??

Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy your baby. One of my best friends had her last child at 43... unexpected, like yours! Both her and the dad are besotted with the little boy, and so are his teenage brothers. Being older and wiser, they have enjoyed this child with the peace of mind and matter-of-factedness (sp?) that experience gave them.

Congratulations!

And guess what - you don't need your parents approval for anything you do.

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and birth.

Well done you.

Your mother's what they used to call a neurotic, in less sensitive times. Everything is an excuse for a major drama. Thank goodness you haven't inherited it, though it's naturally hurtful if your own mother can't be happy for you.

My mother had her third (very much wanted) baby at 44, and my father's mother had her 12th at 49, both perfectly healthy, so there. And that was a long time ago (39 and 63 years ago respectively) when perinatal support was downright primitive. It can be done!

fifitot

First of all congratulations on your pg.

As for your parents, particularly your Mother, I would continue to keep emotional distance from them (at least you do live some considerable distance away from them which will help) and get caller identity for your phone if you do not already have this service in place.

My mum's a bit like yours (always see the negative, such people are like this I think due to their own childhoods and what they learnt from their own parents during that time) and it is very wearing. I have found that the only way to deal with it is to have minimal contact.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may help too. Its all about them you see, they don't really give a toss about you and by turn your own family. Her concern is actually control and also narcissistic in nature (lets talk about me, me and me again).

I am wondering if also your Dad is a "bystander" who acts purely out of his own self preservation and want of a quiet life?. Such people are very selfish, would not let either of them off the hook.

The issues are about your mother not you... You are sensible, you know the risks and no doubt you'll take medical assistance for your baby and pregnancy during your pregnancy. But there are many happy babies born to women in their forties. So she talking a lot of hot air and being dramatic.

I personally would take this opportunity to ignore her for a while. Do not phone. If she phones and is nice then ok be politely nice in return but if she starts then say sorry gotta dash. I think you should forget her reaction and concentrate on you and your family.

Mothers can be odd on hearing daughters pregnancy. With my first my mother didnt speak to me until a fees before birth. It really hurt but she lost out really on alot of things.I still don't know why she behaved like it... Made her feel old was her response.

Congrats and enjoy.

Some bells ringing here in the stuff that is being said. particularly my Dad being a Bystander etc. Also about how my Mum is making everything about her and using 'worry' as a way of control.

Thankyou so much.

Hi fifitot,

Thought your Dad was a bystander; many men from inherently dysfunctional family units often act in such a manner.

Your Mum is certainly using "concern" (for her own wellbeing) as a means of control. You may also want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Do concentrate your energies on your own family unit and obtain caller id for your home phone.

Bloody cheek, don't let her anywhere near the children. If she is devastated now, imagine how she is going to treat your kids.

have you tried telling her to shut the fuck up? tell her you know that she has an issue with worrying but that she needs to stop being so ego-centric and learn to support you rather than try to make you feel bad. tell her you're giving her space and once she calms down and works through it you'd love to hear from her but until she has you don't need or want any negativity

Congratulations!

"I KNOW pregancies late in life are not unproblematic"

I had my second DC when I was 44.5 - the half is very important with absolutely no problems with the pregnancy. I sailed through it. Just because you're over 40, doesn't mean you're in for a hard time - why don't you come and join us on the Older Mums thread on Chat?

Congratulations!

Your mum suggesting you have to see it from her point of view - I'm caught between laughing and fuming, how ridiculous! Good luck with the pregnancy

Congrats, i have a post going on here about odd parents, so you have my sympathies.

Not sure i am qualified to give you advice though.

On telling my dad of my first child - at 37 - his response "so youll be getting married then". On telling them i was preg, at 40, this weekend, he said nothing, my mother even said "did you hear that @@@@". And he just nodded.

The next day he said congrats as they were leaving, but just odd, plain odd.

I hope you have a great pregnancy, best of luck!

congratulations.

babies are just a joy no matter what age you are..and considering you are a grown up its up to you to decide how to live you life and how to deal with an unexpected but happy surprise.

your parents can comment all they want but they cant control what you do. so remind yourself of that and dont answer their calls and just enjoy your little bundle.

"' don't expect congratulations because I don't think it's appropriate'."

Now that's horrible!

But I suspect they are genuinely worried about you (you are their little girl after all). My parents struggled to be excited when I told them about no 3 who was also unexpected. And mum ran through the litany of her concerns. And TBH she has been proved right in many ways - we do struggle at times - but at the time she wasn't really saying anything I didn't already think myself. No you shouldn't be spending time and energy reassuring them' Leave them and let them calm down. With luck and time they will come to see things differently.

Babies are always good news

Think your mom's concerns say more about her than they do about you. She probably couldn't cope, but who is asking her to anyway?

As you say, she is selfish, self centered, so of course she will think of events on a 'me' basis.

But you don't need the drama of trying to placate her about your pregnancy. Keep it light and if she calls, don't get into a high emotion discussion.

Congrats

OP are you me? I didn't particularly look forward to telling my mum either (she seems to be exactly like your but possibly even more negative/critical).

Her first reaction was "What are you going to do? How are you possibly going to cope with a third (well I guess we'll do exactly the same as for the other two)

Second reaction "are you going to stop working then" (euh no why would I?)

Third reaction "how well I guess you quite like children and the seem kind of happy"
(gobsmacked!)

So I don't really have any advice but you are definitely not alone.

Then two weeks later she called me to ask if I wanted her to come before, during or after the birth of the baby. Straightaway I said after (and I could tell she was a bit miffed) but frankly if I could have said not at all I would. And considering I am planning a home birth and that she thoroughly disapprove I don't want her there.

For DS my dad within 10 minutes of arriving was giving me a hard time for breastfeeding. And all my mum wanted to do for a week was going shopping every day for hours (when really I should have been in bed)

I would just try to ignore them as much as you can. Good luck, I know it is not easy

many congratulations.

My own mother can be like this. She projects her own worries and concerns onto me which makes me feel worse. I tell her very little now as i cant be doing with her stressing.

An example: I was slightly anaemic whilst pregnant with ds1 and she was CRYING down the phone begging me to go and get iron tablets as "she couldn't cope with me being ill". I wasn't ill or suffering from any symptoms and so told her to get a grip and as she isn't medically qualified (unlike me ) so she hasn't got a clue what she is on about!!

secretskillrelationships - i also had responses like that too!!

God 2boys2 - that sounds JUST like my mother!

I try not to tell her much either.

Thankyou lovely ladies for your responses. Makes me feel quite normal now. I was thinking it was me for a while!

(Btw - my Mother had me writing thankyou cards for baby presents, the day after giving birth, while struggling with breastfeeding and sore stitches. Because people 'would expect them'. She's mad.)

Your parents mightn't have been able to cope but you will. So far, the only problem with your potentially problematic pregnancy has been their negative behaviour. Also, they're 210 miles away so they're hardly likely to be babysitting everyday of the week!?

Update - she has sent a couple of e mails because I won't talk to her on the phone. She said one was an appology. It said 'sorry if you think I've been negative'. No - you WERE negative, it wasn't just me thinking it.

She basically called me unable to cope, nearly an old woman (in my 40s), penniless, etc and then thinks I somehow imagined that she was being negative! FFS.

Thing is I suppose it will all have to be sorted one way or another eventually. Currently she is saying 'don't shut us out'. SHE is playing victim now which is so typical of her.

I wish I could just ignore her but eventually something will have to give. There will be no tearful reconciliation though - I am long past having those kind of feelings. They will be kept at an emotional distance as that is the only way I can cope with the controlling and tantrum like behaviour.

I've had years of this so it's never going to get sorted out now and our problematic relationship will just limp along as it always does with it's usual flash points. She is long past the stage Believe me I have tried to reason with her but I end up furious and then it suits her so she can play victim again and then my father can back her up. It is so dysfunctional but it is beyond repair now.

Can you email back telling her exactly what you have said on here?