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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to treat the 'other woman'

96 replies

chinupgirl · 11/02/2010 22:46

OK, I've got to put up with the fact that the hussy who broke up my marriage has sadly not been struck by lightning, died in a horrific inferno or broken out in disfiguring boils but is still very much out and about. As she shows no remorse about what she has done, she keeps popping up in my life (at cubs, as school, in the street)and smirks whenever I see her.

I've done my best to avoid her, but something clicked in my head today. Why should I be the one missing fun stuff because she has such crap taste in men?

So come on any good tips on how to handle these meetings, other than screaming TART at her, tempting as that might be? What was the best thing anyone else did in this position?

On a related theme, if I see one more advert for Valentine's Day I may throw up! Is it just me?

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 11/02/2010 22:52

just ignore her, or smirk back?

chippychippybangbang · 11/02/2010 22:56

Following this one with healthy interest but I reckon the best and ultimate revenge is that she ended up with H as her prize. She will learn...

abedelia · 11/02/2010 23:02

Smirk back. She who smirks last, smirks longest...

KerryMumbles · 11/02/2010 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 23:07

Be coolly polite if you actually have to engage with her, but distant. Keep both your dignity and the moral high ground by not displaying any interest in her whatsoever.
ANd do bear in mind that she didn't wreck your marriage all by herself. Your XH has a hand (and a few other bits) in it.

KerryMumbles · 11/02/2010 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2010 23:10

as sgb said

act distant and polite

she is of no consequence to you

rest assured it will mess with her head massively...because I am sure your ex-H/P
painted you to be a right mad bitch

chippychippybangbang · 11/02/2010 23:13

A serene smile will really throw her.. you can give her a big when he moves on to his next victim in due course.

KerryMumbles · 11/02/2010 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WingedVictory · 11/02/2010 23:14

Learn how to raise one eyebrow. It looks mean but dignified, and doesn't make you look ugly (as a wonky smirk can - very great danger!).

KnackeredOldHag · 11/02/2010 23:15

Don't blame her, blame him.

He obviously doesn't know how to keep it in his pants, so you are better off without him.

OTOH, he has probably told her a ton of lies about his marriage and she's been taken in with them.

At the end of the day, no matter how much she may or may not have batted her eyelashes at him, he was the one that was married and should have been committed to that and he should have steered clear of her.

She's just not worth the effort of getting upset about.

TheCrackFox · 11/02/2010 23:28

Just gently shake your head and have a small chuckle to yourself. She will be paranoid all day about it.

WingedVictory · 11/02/2010 23:30

You can use the eyebrow thing on him as well as her, Knackered and SGB!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 11/02/2010 23:38

Just go to wherever you want and ignore her. She didn't break up her marriage all by herself, and she probably has as little idea of the truth as you did.

TwoIfBySea · 11/02/2010 23:38

Just remember Chinup, the best revenge is for you to live your life and enjoy it.

It will annoy the crap out of them.

She did you a favour and as I say to people who ask me about the bidey-in who got my ex-dh - its like someone mugging you for a bag you're carrying only to find out when they open it that its the dog poo bag they got.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 11/02/2010 23:38

or even your marriage

nickschick · 11/02/2010 23:43

I think if i were you id pity her ..... he will do to her what he did to you besides which you were there first!!

I f she gets a response of you - thats what she wants,thats the sort of girl she is....meanwhile flick your hair and smile at everyone - that will piss her off .

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/02/2010 09:19

The best suggestion you've had on here Chin Up is shaking your head and chuckling, when you see her. That will really unnerve her.

Oh, and it matters not a jot if she was told lies, or that you were an awful person. She absolutely shares the blame with your DH. The way some posters write, one would think it's okay to get involved with a married man as long as he tells you his wife is a bitch and is crazy.

Keep telling yourself that any woman you'd befriend would have rather more self-respect, esteem and scepticism than that.

mampam · 12/02/2010 10:05

I have one word for you......DIGNITY. You have it, she has none. Hold your head up high and be polite.

I am in a similar situation to you, OW is a first class BITCH who definitely had no remorse and now she and exH are married and I have to see her all the time, to make matters worse DC's love her. She's always trying to get one over on me and play stupid games but I won't be drawn into it. I almost feel sorry for her, she's the one who's gonna spend her whole marriage with the niggling doubts at the back of her mind (he's done it to one wife will he do it to me). She must lead a pretty sad life to always be worried about getting one over on me. I on the other hand am married to a fantastic man and don't give a shit about her, as long as she is nice to my DC's is all that matters to me.

Chinupgirl this woman has the morals of a sewer rat. You are 10 x the woman she will ever be and for her to be smirking at you as if she's proud of what she's done just proves it. I know how hard it is but just let her get on with her pathetic little life and pitty her.

Aussieng · 12/02/2010 11:39

Tee hee at KerryMumbles and TwoIfbySea. I've been looking for an appropriate card for exH for when he marries his OW this year (blinder - 2 people with such respect for marriage vows getting married to each other) - the thought of Moonpig and something along the lines of your suggestions are amusing me no-end

Chinupgirl - I second/third/fourth the advice just to be dignified and ignore her. Apart from a little schadenfreude occassionally, I genuinely couldn't care two hoots about my ex and his little chippie, I'm well out of it and much happier than ever with DH and a LO on the way. I know however that said chippie lives in dread of ever coming across me in a social situation and I do like that fact, I must admit. Enough in fact that I tend to try and avoid that ever happening (but not to the extent of missing out on any good stuff) so that the idea of it stays in her head as a terrifying prospect but she's clearly less brazen than your "OW".

I think if you actually did anything you would regret it and it would be one of those moments that sends a cringe down your spine when you look back on it. She probably is aware that you are avoiding "fun stuff" because of her being there so just get on with your life, do what you want to do and treat her exactly as if she is not worth it.

OrmRenewed · 12/02/2010 11:44

Pretend she's a sad old bag lady who smells of wee and wears woolly bobble hats. The you can treat her with a sort of distant neutral compassion. After all if and when he does the same to her she'll need it!

Whizzywigg · 12/02/2010 13:08

I think if you really want to co-exist, you need to let go of your anger. People who have affairs where they leave for other partners, (as in, not those who are just dipping their wick where ever they can, hoping their spouse won't find out), is imho, just part of life. Relationships break up - it's not clever, it's just life.

People who go onto form relationships and break up a marriage to do so, I think do it, not because they are bad people, it is just the hand life dealt them... it's not like anyone wants to hurt their DH/DW by having an affair - life just gets complicated some times... and no one would actually prefer a new bf/gf whose already married - would they? Somtimes you just fall for someone who is already married.

I think all this she'll get her come-uppance stuff is very unhealthy. It's just a waste of your own emotional energy.

What about thinking - ex-DH and I weren't suited -I am much happier now. I do hope ex-DH and his new DW work out and have a happy life... much nicer..... You are also probably wishing black days on the father/mother of your kids.. who will also get all the associated fall out....

It's also not true that second marriages/relatoinsihps that break up a former marriage don't work out... I know a number of couples in this position, who have been happily married second time round for 2 decades...

Before you spit roast me, I just want to add, I am not an OW - my opinion is really based on my Dad leaving my mum, and dealing with the fall out from that.

TheUsefulSuspect · 12/02/2010 13:20

If she is still with your exH walk up to her and say

"could you do me a favour as the message doesn't seem to be getting through, tell you boyfriend that NO I will not sleep with him for 'old times sake' and could he please stop asking"

CwtchyMama · 12/02/2010 13:25

splurts coffee all over keyboard at the spitroast comment

Sorry,i know i am childish but round her spitroast means something completely different.

Oh & ditto the keeping a dignified silence advice.

mampam · 12/02/2010 13:59

Whizzywig yes affairs and the marriage breakups as a result are a part of life but I disagree with you when say that people who break up marriages don't mean to it's just 'a hand that life dealt them'.

Whilst you can't help who you fall in love with, there are right and wrong ways of going about it. Carrying on behind someone's back being totally wrong. If you truly love someone and they are already in a relationship/married, surely the right way of going about it is to encourage that person to end their marriage/relationship first before embarking on a sordid affair causing the innocent party more hurt and humiliation than necessary. And believe me, when you have been cheated on there are aspects of the extra hurt and humiliation of the relationship breakup that never ever leave you even when you have moved on and are even happier with someone else.

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