How to treat the 'other woman'

[chinupgirl]

OK, I've got to put up with the fact that the hussy who broke up my marriage has sadly not been struck by lightning, died in a horrific inferno or broken out in disfiguring boils but is still very much out and about. As she shows no remorse about what she has done, she keeps popping up in my life (at cubs, as school, in the street)and smirks whenever I see her.

I've done my best to avoid her, but something clicked in my head today. Why should I be the one missing fun stuff because she has such crap taste in men?

So come on any good tips on how to handle these meetings, other than screaming TART at her, tempting as that might be? What was the best thing anyone else did in this position?

On a related theme, if I see one more advert for Valentine's Day I may throw up! Is it just me?

Be civil and take the moral high ground.

Meanwhile, get your sluttiest friend to get it on with him and get found out.

And don't say you have no slutty friends, everybody has at least one.

WWIFN - it wasn't me who asked about overlap relationships, but I think you're right.

"Children can rationalise that their parents fell out of love, but they find it much harder if they believe it was because of a third party - and it can feel as though the leaving parent has chosen that person over them as well as their Mum or Dad."

Yeah, I guess. Not sure if I felt like this at the time. I think I just felt that it was completely obvious that if someone leaves they are leaving for something 'better'. When you get a new anything, it's because you think the new thing is better than the old - car, house, job, relationship. My issues with my parents' new relationships did not stem from the fact that they had left the marriage for that person, but the fact that they were with them at all, constantly diluting my relationship with that parent. So the only way I would have been OK with it is if they didn't go out with anyone else ever - obviously not possible.

"So when the "new" relationship has perfectly normal strains and stresses, their reflex response has been to look outside the marriage rather than attempt to resolve issues in a more adult way."

So true. Long-term relationships require people to be grown-up. I think that is something many choose not to be.

As ever WWIFN, you speak such sense that it is almost pointless for anyone else to try and reply. You speak so eloquently and say what so many people feel. I ( fortunately) have never been either the cheater or the cheated on partner, but I am the child of a marriage that broke up after my father had an affair whilst still married to my mother. The affair ( and subsequent marriage) resulted in a child and I can't begin to tell you how it felt as a child, to know that my dad had chosen not only another woman over us, but another child. And even though it is getting on for 40 years ago, it still hurts that my DSIS and I never had the family times with my dad that his new family did. After he left home, we never saw him on his own again. His new wife and child were always there. Up to the day he died, I never got the chance to talk to him on his own, we never had a family holiday, we never spent Christmas day with him, he never saw either of us in our school plays and so on and so on. And even as an adult, when we should be able to 'let it go', it still hurts because I am reminded of it every time my own DH does these things for our DCs and when he talks about doing things for our DCs because his own dad did them for him. My dad didn't.

And yes, the OW does bear some of the blame. She clearly knew he was married and like it or not, we all owe it to each other to act as decent human beings. Just because she did not break any vows made to the OP, does not mean she should have encouraged the OPs H to break the promises that he did make.

But the thread was started by an ex-wife, who has to bump into her 'replacement' as she goes about her business, and feels uncomfortable around her. The OW is still adversely affecting her life but, this time, it is in the OP's power to choose not to be affected. My feeling is that she'll be better served by losing any sense of injustice & resentment. This will free her up to get on with the best that life can offer her.

In more general terms, my experience is that 'loving' those who have hurt you (even if you have to fake it) gets quick results - once the painful situation is over, of course.

I don't think anybody has said it's okay to cheat on your spouse, or to be the 3rd party. What we have said is that it happens. All the anger & resentment in the world won't stop that. Actually I don't think people start affairs with a light heart, either. People do take marriage seriously, whatever the Daily Mail might tell you ... though you might be right about celebs. Almost by definition, their personalities are disordered and they don't exactly represent a cross-section of normal society.

No, I'm not an OW; I didn't cheat on my exes; they did cheat on me; I do know how it feels. Incidentally: they're both still married, one to the OW (the other one lasted the classic 2 years).

Yes Grace, and it's pretty evident that for our OP, the situation is still very painful - and so at the moment, she is still working through that resentment - light years away probably from loving the people who she might believe destroyed her life. As always, the best revenge in life is to live well - but it is often only from a distanced position, when life is better and one is happier again, that it is possible to make that choice and live without resentment.

I'm afraid I don't agree that people never go into affairs lightly - if only that were true. I think people are in huge denial about the pain and the devastation they cause - and the ripple effect on so many people's lives, including their own. I've known many people kid themselves that this is "just a bit of escapist fun" - and others who deny up to the point they have actually had sex, that they are even engaging in an affair. They went into affairs very lightly - always underestimating the damage.

And yes, it happens - but it is still wrong. It is a choice, like any other in life.

I wrote recently on a thread about those people who we perhaps all know who are in very unhappy relationships, who don't love their partners. I have a friend in just that position - and she has had several offers from other men. She has very firm views that she is staying in her marriage by choice - a choice that others may not agree with, but one exercised with free will. She has said that she would never be unfaithful, despite the offers presented. In her view, infidelity is wrong and she believes that until she makes a different choice, she will not engage in something she fundamentally believes to be wrong.

One of the biggest lightbulb moments for me, having been fed a diet for most of my adult life that "no-one has an affair if their marriage is happy", is that infidelity is not an accurate barometer of a marriage. It happens in good marriages and like my friend's, it often doesn't happen in bad ones. The determining factor then, is the people in those marriages and their behaviour choices.

Brahms, not sure how old you were when your DF left your Mum, but I can offer my insights as the child of a marriage that ended very acrimoniously, but with no third parties involved. Both my parents went on to meet my much-loved step-parents and I never felt like you do, that I was "sharing" them - and my DCs only benefit from having "extra" grandparents. I would venture that you felt the way you did, precisely because infidelity brought your parents' marriage to an end - it just skews the picture every time. My in-laws' marriage ended after DH and I were married - after longstanding infidelity of one of the parties. This had a far greater ripple effect on DH and his siblings - even in adulthood - than my parents' marriage break-up had on me or mine.

Sayithowitis speaks from the heart - infidelity affects children long into adulthood - and I honestly don't think people realise quite how much, when they are crossing that line and engaging in an affair. Even as an adult, it takes a lot of work - and real honesty from one's partner, to convince oneself that it wasn't you, or even your marriage, that caused your partner to be unfaithful. That the problem was with them and not you.

After his affair, my DH and I made huge changes to our relationship, but the most significant behaviour changes have come from him - fortunately right from the start, he took responsibility for his behaviour and never once blamed me or our relationship. He realised pretty instantly that the problem was with him and went to therapy. It has made him almost evangelical now in his belief that it is all about personal responsibility - we can never blame others for what we do.

A child doesn't have those resources - and often never gets past the feeling that they were somehow not good enough, or loved enough, for their parent to stay. I just hope you are able to do that now, Sayithowitis - and although I don't know you, I'll bet that you were determined to ensure that your children never felt this way - and that you spoke openly with your DH about fidelity and the value you place on it.

Sorry Brahms. Realise that I'm confusing you with Whizzy. Whizzy, out of interest, does your Dad feel that the end justified the means, or does he regret his own behaviour choices? If things got bad with his new wife - how would he resolve those difficulties next time? Has he ever expressed regret to your Mum and how does she feel now? Realise these are very personal questions, but it would be illuminating to see whether your Dad took those lessons into his new relationship, or not.

OP - can I also apologise for the hijack of your thread.. my advice is not intended to be trite, and no offence is intended. I think it is normal to be cross in the beginning... but I do think everyone needs to leave that place behind before it becomes too much part of your daily way of life...

WWIFN I think it is a leap to consider that it is always more painful to be left for someone else. One of the most painful breakups I've seen at close hand, was a friend whose BF dumped her after 10 years living together - they were both early 30s, and had been together since uni. His explanation was, he loved her, but wasn't in love any more and just couldn't face having DC with her. He left her, and met someone new within 6 mths,and was married and pg with NP within a year...

Incidentally, they are still together a decade on, and have 3 DCs and seem happy enough as far as I can tell...

One of the things that I think made it so bad for her was that she concentrated on what he was doing all the time.. wishing awful things on him and NP etc.. A lot of us were sympathetic in the beg... but it does wear a bit thin when over a year later someone is wishing deformities on an unborn baby etc etc. I'm no longer in touch with her...

I don't think truly happily married people have affairs - almost by defintion, part of a good marriage is that you are satisfied and self-contained.

I agree you can have faithful poor marriages - but this is nowt to be proud of. It's just part of the rich tapestry of life that shows that people deal with the hand they are dealt in different ways... some people will get left and recover and have a happy life... some people will resent their ex forever and get stuck in a bitter place, irregardless of whether they are left for someone else or not...

If you want to be happy, constructing complex arguments about how the OW and unfaitfhul ex are morally wrong and culpuable, and should have know the hurt they would cause... and so on and so on... is not a good place to start...

WWIFN My Dad does still feel the end justifed the means. Over the last 6 years, what he has shifted on was that he under-estimated how upset we would all be. He seemed to think that as my mum and him had become very distant, she wouldn't mind much and that his children wouldn't be too bothered either

Although this does seem some what crazy, I actually think it is common that people having affairs under estimate the hurt it causes... as I think they get caught up in the romance and excitement and physical symptons (adrenalin, endorphins etc) of the new relationship and project their feelings about the old one onto others... He was so busy feeling his marriage was dead, he forgot no one else knew that! My relationship with my dad broke down when he left - we barely spoke for 2 years, after being very close - so he had to learn that we were upset!

However, with regard to your question about repeating mistakes with his new gf - my parents had been married for 38 yrs when my Dad left - and he's in his 70s - so I would feel a bit pompous questioning him on how to work at relationships

As for my Mum... well it has been 6 years.. she was 80 last year. I am amazed at how brave she has been... I feel very proud at how she has handled it.. I hope I have inherited her determination and courage...

She always tried to encourage my brothers and I to mend our rleationship with our Dad... she was never vengeful or spiteful... she talked about building her new life, and would "force" herself to go to classes and start hobbies..

I think part of her will never get over it.. 6 years on, she has an active life and lots of friends, and a ahemm "gentlemen friend" that she goes dancing with... I still think she would prefer her old life, but she has moved on.

WWIFN - I find myself nodding my head and shouting "too right" whenever I read your posts. Thanks.

As for the OP.... head up enjoy yourself and remember you have done nothing to be ashamed of. She and your XH will always be squirming in shame each time they see you. The happy smiling out having a good time facade is most likely covering up for her embarrassnemt of seeing you. I used to be like you - seething with resentment - "how dare you wreck my life, you stupid BIATCH and now act like nothing has happened" Then one day I was feeling happy and chatting to my mate. The OW was watching us and looked as miserable as sin.... I realised her "happieness" was a front. I now have many more good days than bad.

Having said that I still would not hit the breaks if she walked out in front of my car.

She will be the OW for the rest of her life.She will be thought of this way everytime she walks into a room for the rest of her life. Women will think she is trash and husbands will be to scared to even talk her. Everyone will be rooting for you. Always smile and look fabulous.

chinupgirl It is OK to feel anger, resentment whatever you like towards the OW. It is part of the process that you will be going through, like grief I suppose. I understand what it is like and that you cannot just switch off those feelings.

Don't give her the satisfaction of stopping you/hindering your social life. By smirking at you it's clear that she wants some kind of reaction. Again don't give her the satisfaction. It will pain her more if you ignore her and get on with things.

As I said before, keep your DIGNITY and hold your head high. I promise you, down the line you will be so glad you did. At one stage I felt like my exH had stripped me bare of everything else I had.... but the one thing I had left was my dignity and he (nor she) was ever going to take that away from me.

Good Luck

Are you sure she is smirking and its not an awkward smile? Your paths still cross, it would take a very confident, brassy woman to look down her nose at you.

Save all the hatred for your husband. The woman always gets the blame and labelled the harlot/tart/evil bitch. The man gets 'oooh, bless, he's had a mid-life crisis'. Or its made out that men are simpletons without a conscience or control of their own penis.

Just ignore her, get on with your own life and if you feel the need to scream at someone, save it for him.

Hold your head up high. Throw a pitying smile back if you like, but don't let yourself down. Whatever you do.

Whizzy - thanks for coming back. Can I comment on two lines in your post? You said:
"I don't think truly happily married people have affairs - almost by defintion, part of a good marriage is that you are satisfied and self-contained."

I think as long as people still believe this notion, there will continue to be OW and OM, because they just cannot believe that their lover would be with them if they were happy. A friend of mine was an OW - and despite the married man being more honest than most and telling her that his marriage was actually happy, she couldn't quite believe it.

And it's why people will continue to get involved with individuals who have always left their relationships via the infidelity route, without wondering whether the problem was with them and not the previous partners and relationships. I would describe this as the triumph of hope over experience. I understand why people believe "it will be different this time with me" - but unless their partner has learned a valuable lesson, it doesn't augur well for the future. I've said it before, none of us can control our partner's fidelity. We can try to provide deterrents by the bucketload, but the choice will always be with that person.

I also agree with Aussieng downthread who says that many people only realise that their marriages were lacking once they've got involved with someone else and start to unfairly contrast the heady "new relationship" feelings with what they've been feeling in their marriages for years. I think a huge amount of affairs begin this way, with people who aren't unhappy and don't think they are - but they convince themselves that they must have been, because they feel so wonderful now, in a new relationship. But it's a distorted view. As you say Whizzy, the chemicals released into the brain by the new relationship cause this to happen.

The truly self-aware recognise this - and see it for what it is. They take responsibility and realise that if they still love their spouses and don't want to break up their marriages, the best course is to work on revitalising their primary relationship. They see the unfairness too - they perhaps never once told their spouse that they had been feeling this way (and in their defence, might have been unaware of it until the affair happened) and so they decide it's only fair to tell them this now, so that both partners are "sighted" about the issues.

The weaker character however, decides that they must have been unhappy for a long time for them to feel this way and feels no unfairness that they didn't once tell their partners about their feelings. They overlook the devastation their departure is going to cause and put their needs first. Which brings me back to something else you said:

"He was so busy feeling his marriage was dead, he forgot no one else knew that!" - I wonder whether your Mum and you felt like you were living in a parallel universe all this time - that history had somehow been re-written? For many betrayed spouses, it is this that hurts the most. Their memories are robbed - and it takes a huge amount of reassurance and self-analysis when faced with such dishonesty, to reclaim those often more accurate memories.

I also felt you were subtly querying my motivation to write Whizzy. I write from a very happy place now and I'm in a very rewarding 25 year marriage to a man who is now hugely emotionally intelligent. My instinct is to reassure and help posters who feel they are having their lives re-written for them - and who take unreasonable responsibility for their marriages failing. I also like to encourage different thinking amongst posters whose instinct is to blame when they are doing something wrong [like infidelity) instead of taking responsibility for their choices and looking inwards.

WWIFN - like Anji I too nod my head vigourously at your posts - you hit the nail spot on and it is very generous of you to take the time to articlate.
If men deal with issues in a relationship by turning to an OW, they are likely to repeat the pattern when the going gets tough, as in most relationships.
CUG - its trite, but really, being, or appearing calmly happy, (not OTT 'bubbly' unless that is your natural style .
It will get easier facing her over time - and one day you will suddenly realise youa re not faking confidence, but facing down the demo with dignity is better y far than avoisding and building her up to be far more intimidating individual than she really - remember the Wizard Of Oz!

Hmmm - interesting I was going to leave this thread alone in the aim of it reverting to the OP's topic but some of the more recent comments have got me thinking - dangerous when DH is working and I am hone alone on a Saturday night...

WhenWillI and I have posted on the same threads a number of times and I have huge respect for her views and opinions and the extremely sensible way in which she expresses them. We agree on a lot of aspects and then agree to differ on some aspects of this subject probably in part due to the differing end results of our experiences with unfaithful DH's and indeed the way in which we found out. I hope therefore WhenWillI that you will understand that my following comments are not in any way a "criticism of you or your views.

I find it odd that some posters agree so whole-heartedly with WhenWillI and yet do not seem to always entirely understand the roundness of her opinion. First of all WhenwillI quite often acknowledges others points of view in a very generous way therefore I find that other posters suggesting that her views are so wonderful that it is not worth anyone responding to her with anything of a contrasting view is just blinkered and exactly why this topic is never discussed as well as it could be on MN. Secondly WhenWillI says that she does not believe once a cheater always a cheater indeed her own relationship must be now based on this faith and so I find it odd that there are so many people on MN who do believe that and yet respond so positively to her views which are far more compassionate(if that is the right word) than theirs.

WhenWillI one point I do tend to disagree (most repsectfully) with you on is the point about reinventing history to convince yourself that you were not happy and so justify the affair. I think that is too broad a generalisation and you must acknowledge that there are many cases where the unfaithful parther is and has been genuinely unhappy. And I do think men are better at women (if better is the word) at compartmentalising when that is the case and not facing up to it. I do acknowledge however that the reinvention of history does occur on many occassions (but by no means all, in my view) and that there is a tendency to exagerate that unhappiness in self-justification and guilt.

There are a couple of threads in relationships at the moment which I have followed with a sinking heart - men leaving their partners with stupid reasons (and wimpering about being confused and needing a few weeks to think etc etc) and it is so obvious so an outsider (with experience of this kind of thing) that there is an OW involved, even if only peripherally. I don't tend to post on these threads once the fact of an OW has been established because, as I said downthread, the only thing that matters in those situations is the hurt that the poster is feeling and the understandable antipathy at that time to the OW and secondly to the DH. BUT I think it would be helpful if there was less of a negative reaction to a marriage breaking up over an affair (compared to other reasons) as this contributes to the feeling on the part of the "wronged" spouse of having been made a fool of and betrayed when in my view that is not so different to a DP leaving for other reasons and those negative feelings are not helpful to recovery or moving on with self-esteem. Additionally, while I do not in any way condone the behaviour of the partner in having the affair, I find far more distasteful the attempts of these men to extricate themselves from the relationships dishonestly with excuses (the washing basket is always full - FFS!) and the general prevarication and lack of honesty as to the real situation and state of the marriage. It puts the woman even further behind in terms of understanding where the relationship is truly at. Arguably if adultery as the cause of the demise of the relationship was dde-stagmatised just a little bit perhaps that very difficult stage would be less traumatic and drawn out.

Sorry - didn't mean such a long post. Am backing away from the computer...

WWIFN I think some people who have been left for another partner, (understably) want to believe that their marriage was a good one - and the OW/OM is to blame, rather than that the people in the marriage failed to make it work.

Other "comforting" hypotheses naturally follow - he will rue the day they left, he will come crawling back, or he will have a terrible life there after.

IME, sometimes departing spouses do live to regret it, but many of them do not. My Dad says the marriage was bad. My mum says this is all lies.. she had a good marriage and never argued. I don't think either of them are rewriting history, it is just their prespectives...

FWIW, I think my Dad probably did tell my mum he was unhappy, she just didn't really listen or notice, until he left....

Sorry Aussieng crossposted with you...

Agree with all you say... I think one of the issues about men talking about laundries and other trivial stuff when there is an OW on the scene, even if just in the wings... is that they may feel ow is not the cause of the break up....

"Laundry guy" also said he felt something was wrong because they didn't talk to each other when they were out were with friends. Okay, that sounds a bit weak - and was duly trashed as such. But, I confess, my first thought was: "He looked over at you, when you were out with friends, and realised he couldn't give a stuff whether you were there or not."

I can understand a person not finding it in himself to say that in so many words! If he's also met somebody he is interested in talking to, that will only highlight the problem. So, yes - mismatched perspectives. She was happy; he wasn't.

I should add that I do believe a disillusioned partner can revive their married interest, whether or not they're having an affair. It takes a lot of commitment, though - a huge effort, which couples are usually only prepared to make when there are decades' worth of ties between them. Most women in this forum are younger so we see more relationships breaking down, presumably on a "cut your losses" basis.

I have been in the same position as the OP, my exdh and wanted another baby, so did I so I got pg. When 3 months he was found to be having affair and had been for 4 months

uckface was the mane my friends gave her, my friends bitched baout her, my friends supported me. I knew that if I told her what "he" was like she would think I was the bitter ex wife.

roll on 6 years and she has a prm baby, she goes to stay with firend and comes home to find he had moved her out and hs new gf in

my dd's have a brother and we all get on, best to for the dc you have and any dear siblings they may have in the future.

its not about being the bigger person, it is'nt about being saintly.

it is about you knowing that he will probably do this agian and what is the point in being bitter or nasty.

get on with your life in a positive way and make your dc happy.

leave bitch face and pond life to get on withtheir life and she may well find that the her smirk is wiped of her face by pond life

Interesting thread! May I just clarify my views?

I accept:

That some people are unhappy in their marriages, fail to tell their spouses this - and then have an affair.

That some people are unhappy in their marriages, do tell their spouse this - and when nothing changes, they have an affair.

That some people didn't realise how unhappy they were till they had an affair. Neither they or their spouse knew about the unhappiness.

That some people are perfectly happy in their marriages, tell their spouses they are too - and then have an affair.

So, just as I believe that some marriages are unhappy and an affair is the result, I believe also that some marriages become unhappy only after an affair starts. What I can never agree with is the notion that affairs never happen in happy marriages.

I'd also like to challenge this point made by Whizzy:
"I think one of the issues about men talking about laundries and other trivial stuff when there is an OW on the scene, even if just in the wings... is that they may feel ow is not the cause of the break up...."

You see, I think the truth here is that the men in such cases like to pretend OW was not the cause of their break-up, but they don't actually believe this deep down. If the best they can come up with is that the laundry basket was always full and that they weren't locked in an embrace all night while at the pub with friends, it makes the presence of an OW all the more revealing.

I agree with Grace that the more honest statement of "I'm just not into you anymore" is often avoided, but on the thread we're all referring to, even that would have sounded like bollocks to the poor OP, since her DP had proposed to her only 6 weeks ago and had been taking charge of the wedding arrangements. I gather that he's now said he's been feeling this way "for about a month" - as if this is long enough to throw a relationship with children down the pan!

Months ago I read a different forum to this one and the H concerned cited his reason for leaving as his wife put too many vegetables on his plate at dinner, I kid you not. The fact that he'd been having a long affair with a woman who was now pregnant escaped his memory.

Aussieng I agree that this failure to mention another relationship is especially pernicious to people's recovery process and I hope you will see from this post that I do acknowledge that affairs can result from unhappiness, but I want to challenge the belief that this is always the case.

Regardless of why affairs happen though, no-one can ever convince me that this is an acceptable way of dealing with the end of a relationship, or problems therein.

Aussieng Sat 13-Feb-10 19:55:13

First of all WhenwillI quite often acknowledges others points of view in a very generous way therefore I find that other posters suggesting that her views are so wonderful that it is not worth anyone responding to her with anything of a contrasting view is just blinkered

I suspect that you may be aiming this at me aussie, if so, can I please clarify, I said that WWIFN speaks with such eloquence that it is almost pointless for anybody else to reply. My intended meaning was that it is almost pointless for others to try to respond to the OP in the same vein as WWIFN, I did not say or even imply that it is pointless to state any other point of view than that offered by WWIFN.
If your point was not aimed at me, then I apologise for misunderstanding, however, if it was, then I hope you now understand what I was trying to say.

Try to dress expensively (classy or funky) make up and do your hair to look different to how you normally do when you see her. Ignore her and if you see her looking, which she would, look at her with pity. This will make her feel intrigued and poss. upset and she is likely to share her feelings with your ex. They could then speculate about your life: new lover, lottery win??? You can then enjoy the cat among pigins effect and have a laugh

Oh there's nothing worse than seeing happy couples when your love life has gone to hell, - indeed anything remotely romantic feels rather like someone scraping their nails down a blackboard. It feels as if the whole world is taking a pot shot at you. I don't think that there is very much you can do about it except to find solace in whatever makes you feel OK again (a good book, the love of your children, exercise, hard work or anything else that puts you back on an even keel and reminds you that you yourself are really fairly fabulous and that the world really is a fairly good place).

Re your OW problem, I think that you should just be yourself when your paths collide, and not think about how you perhaps in another life would like to be. Does it really matter how she feels? Not really, all that matters here is that you feel OK about yourself. Personally I woudl avoid anything very overt and as much as possible just totally blank her out of existence.

Of course one shouldn't aim all the anger and pain of betrayal towards the OW, but it does seem to be a very natural reaction (my ds on being dumped by the first girl he has ever really noticed, announced totally unprompted that he hated the boy she has taken up with - he's 10. I think that part of the hatred of the OW is that it is very hard to hate someone that you have loved for a long time, and much easier to hate a stranger).

I also think it is slightly pathetic really to think "oh well we just weren't suited and that's why it didn't work out" because really what makes a couple well suited? Much of a relationship is a growing dynamic created by both parties - yes some people marry when they really shouldn't have, but mostly relationships fail when one or both people stop working at that dynamic and then things go tits up.

My dh had an affair. It was incredibly painful. I do despise the OW, but I also pity her. I don't wish her either a happy or unhappy life, but I do hope that she is not involved in causing anyone pain again. I understand why she acted as she did, but I cannot think well of her. Why should I? I hate my dh's actions. He was stupid and self obsessed, selfish and uncaring towards those that should have been at the center of his life (not just me). But I also love him, and have loved him for many many years. I can forgive him and I have done so. I do not think of his affair as just one of those things which happens. Of course it was, but we aren't jellyfish, we have a responsibility for our actions and free will when choosing how to behave. It doesn't take an awful lot of insight, intelligence or general perception to see that affairs cause pain. To everyone. Even those who have them.

I'd also contest the idea that all break ups are the same. Affairs generally avoid a long period of deceit (my dh's uncle had one for 30 years!) and being lied to is very damaging. Then it is also particularly difficult to cope with the fact that whilst your partner is swanning off into the distance with his new love you are sitting in the wreckage of your life. Yes you will recover, but it's a long haul, and things like learning how to trust again are not easy. The impact on children can also be very profound, affecting how they see themselves and their future ability to forge strong relationships. When parents break up for relatively mutual reasons and where there is no-one else involved the parents can concentrate on making sure the kids are able to adjust to the changes in their lives. When there is a new partner on the scene I really don't think that is the first priority any more.