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Original poster

Marriage in crisis

66 replies

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 18:58

Hi

I'm not sure where to turn so I would be so grateful if you could take a couple of minutes to read this. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have am 11 month DS. Since Xmas DS has had a list of illnesses from nursery which my husband and I have had too. He's away on a business trip and I have all theses sudden feelings that divorce is inevitable between us. I mentioned the illnesses because it has been so tough nursing my baby when I've been ill. The illness seguewayed straight into the business trip so I have had no time to recover and am now doing 14 hour days with DS.

We have not achieved much intimacy since i was pregnant and I feel as though we share nothing anymore. We have not gone out as a couple for a long time and I feel as though we are not on the same page.

I was looking for a good guy who could party when I met DH as my previous partner had been termnally boring. DH was a great party animal but now accuses me of bahving like a lush because I have the same urge to let my hair down. I think that you can have a baby and a good time, it's in my lifeblood, I need to let go of my pressures.

I don't want a protracted separation as I have been in this situation before and it's better to make a clean break. I feel that life is all about responsibility and there is little lightness. I have a lot of Mum and non Mum friends.

xxx

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/02/2010 19:01

Err are you bored? if you divorce him you won't be able to go partying at all unless you leave the baby with him. I'm not sure what your problem with your husband is to be honest...

mrsboogie · 10/02/2010 19:02

and you can't make a clean break either - you have a child together. Your days of clean breaks are over I'm afraid.

Original poster
Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 19:06

I know I sound like a child. I have struggled with the responsibilities of having a baby. I am bored and frustrated and I do have a deep feeling that we are in jeopardy

OP posts:
Portofino · 10/02/2010 19:11

This has to be a wind up surely?

wordsonascreen · 10/02/2010 19:14

OP reads like a bad Chinese takeaway menu.

Honeypeckle · 10/02/2010 19:14

Is the reason you don't think it is working because you haven't been intimate much?

Maybe you need to explain more as to why you feel like this

Original poster
Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 19:31

Honeypeckle, I am starting to develop a slight sense of claustrophobia in my family unit. My husband and I bicker a lot over how we care for DS which I know is common but I think that this has descended into a lack of respect and a lack of willingness to help each other out. I can be such a harridan that I think I emasculate him.

The lack of intimacy stems from fatigue and making other things a priority.

Portofino- This is not a wind up, I feel as though it's a serious issue. I know a lot of well educated ambitious girls who have swapped the world of achievement through work and through socialising for baking and knitting. I am not one of the latter.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 10/02/2010 19:36

I don't see what you mean tbh.

Doesn't sound like grounds for divorce to me and how exactly do you envisage having a clan break with the father of your child? You can't. Unless you hand custody of the baby to your husband and you leave.

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 19:39

why not go back to work then? there is not law that says you have to stay at home baking and knitting

have you actually communicated any of this to your DH>?

did you not envisage that becoming parents would affect you as individuals, as a couple?

you were looking for a good guy who could party.. what else were you looking for?

you sound terribly superficial

DH is not living up to your (unrealistic) erxpectations, so you want a clean break

grow up.

you have a child, there will be no clean break

relationships take work, effort and commitment, running out because things ar ea bit boring is immature

sorry to sound harsh, but these are issues that crop up in every parents' life and most people would have considered that before having children

pooexplosionsareimproving · 10/02/2010 19:40

No need to be quite so nasty ladies, perhaps OP isn't as literate as some of you?

If you want to jump on people, AIBU is that way ->

OP is bored, frutrated and missing her pre-child easier life. How many of us haven't felt that to some extent or another? I know I have. OP, its not that simple though, your life is about responsibility now, and you need to put your childs needs above your own.

Original poster
Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 19:41

I'm sorry that I cannot give any concrete reasons, it's more to do with a partners energy blocking or bringing you down.

The clean break that I am talking about is where DS and I leave and we organise visits. I want to avoid any acrimony so that's why I would want to move swiftly. I left and returned to my previous partner 3 times before the penny dropped in my head.

I would love to spend more time with him where we could have a good time together. It just seems so hard to do, I feel as though we're drifting away from each other.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 10/02/2010 19:43

So talk to him.

If you want to save your marriage it can be done.

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 19:44

i am afraid you are deluded if you think that a divorce with arranged visits for your H is going to be the nice easy way out

I am utterly baffled, you are describing , IMO , a normal relationship, where there is a baby involved and everyone is tired/ill/resentful and needs a break

what about getting a babysitter, going on a date with your Dh, talking, chatting, bottle of wine , hopefully a bit of intimacy

it is too easy to get caught up in the mundanity of day to day life, but it is not a reason for a divorce IMO

pithyslicker · 10/02/2010 19:48

I can't see you avoiding acrimony by moving swiftly,I think communication is the key.

How would your husband feel about splitting up?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 19:50

Is the rather odd tone of the OP because English is not your first language ?

None of your sentences seem to hang together properly.

However, that aside, I just don't actually know what you are talking about...

Having a baby is hard work-tick

You can both get in a bit of a rut-tick

Intimacy can be lost when you don't communicate properly-tick

Perhaps those should be your starting points...not talking about bailing out 'cos he "blocks your energy"...

Original poster
Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 19:53

Woah, you are a judgemental vicious lot. My opening post was written in an emotional tearful flurry so pardon me is if it was grammatically clunky. I don't think that much can prepare you for the rigours of parenthood no matter how much you rationalise it.

I will report the hurtful comments by 'pooexplosionsareimproving' and 'wordsonascreen'. I know that I'm not always the best writer but I have a postgraduate degree.

OP posts:
Honeypeckle · 10/02/2010 19:54

You need to forget about previous relationships . This is different..you have a baby together and everything will not be easy regarding splitting up and arranging visits!

It sounds like you are having problems dealing with the massive change in your life. You need to talk with your dh and like Lulumama said get a baby sitter and go on a date

wordsonascreen · 10/02/2010 19:56

Um pooexplosions was actually very nice to you.

But report away if that makes you feel better.

Honeypeckle · 10/02/2010 19:58

I think pooexplosionsareimproving was being nice Cookiemg

wordsonascreen · 10/02/2010 19:59

Yeah I wasn't ..she WAS

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 20:04

i think that you need to read your OP to yourself and imagine if it ws your H writing it about you

what would your reaction be?

would you think , yes, that's grounds for divorce, or would you be desperate to sort thinsg out and start again

if you never learn to get through the hard bits of a relationship, it own't matter who you are with, you will always be feeling like this

your marriage is not in crisis, you are just looking for an exit strategy to save you having to try harder

Original poster
Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 20:06

By publically questioning how literate I am? hmmm. This has been a lynch mob but thank you for taking me seriously Honeypeckle.

I had significant mental health problems at the end of my last relationship, my throat would close over because I felt so claustrophobic but I lived in denial telling myself all was fine. I am very sensitive and vigilant to similar feelings and would never want to inflict me in that state on anyone.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2010 20:07

gosh, my posts must be invisible!!

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:08

Hey calm down. I don't think what they said is worth a report, this is MN!

Having a family isn't a bed of roses you know. It requires work and commitment. You have a lovely little family unit going on there, it's not a party. Neither are you a lush because you still like to 'party'. Life isn't over when you have children, it's just over as you knew it. Things will probably be harder without your dh. And why does your baby deserve to be brought up in a broken family because you are bored. How old are you?

Do you have access to babysitters? Do you have family support?

Is there something else wrong?

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:09

Lulu I hear you.