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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage in crisis

66 replies

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 18:58

I'm not sure where to turn so I would be so grateful if you could take a couple of minutes to read this. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have am 11 month DS. Since Xmas DS has had a list of illnesses from nursery which my husband and I have had too. He's away on a business trip and I have all theses sudden feelings that divorce is inevitable between us. I mentioned the illnesses because it has been so tough nursing my baby when I've been ill. The illness seguewayed straight into the business trip so I have had no time to recover and am now doing 14 hour days with DS.

We have not achieved much intimacy since i was pregnant and I feel as though we share nothing anymore. We have not gone out as a couple for a long time and I feel as though we are not on the same page.

I was looking for a good guy who could party when I met DH as my previous partner had been termnally boring. DH was a great party animal but now accuses me of bahving like a lush because I have the same urge to let my hair down. I think that you can have a baby and a good time, it's in my lifeblood, I need to let go of my pressures.

I don't want a protracted separation as I have been in this situation before and it's better to make a clean break. I feel that life is all about responsibility and there is little lightness. I have a lot of Mum and non Mum friends.

xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 20:13

Sorry Lulumama, thank you too

OP posts:

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 20:17

cookie, do you really think that you are ready for divorce? do you really think your marriage is irretrievably, irrevocably broken down>

that's a pretty big statement

i would honestly have a big heart to heart iwth DH and make time to have one to one time,

what you descrive is NORMAL! that is what happens, you are tired, bored, stuck at home with a poorly baby, no time for yourself or DH , but you have to make it happen

you say in your OP you get no respite from your baby and when you are ill, you have no time to rest or do anything as DH is away for 14 hours at a time, if you split.. he;s not coming home at all to help

TiffanyD · 10/02/2010 20:19

Sounds like a normal relationship to me! And certainly no grounds for divorce.
Having a child changes you life beyond recognition. You can't go out 'on a whim' anymore. Your priority is the child. End of.
Make sure you try and do 'date nights' where you do have a babysitter and you can reconnect. You must.

Honeypeckle · 10/02/2010 20:20

Maybe the claustrophobia is due to any mental health issues you've had rather than your dh? And surely your dh would not think that you are inflicting anything on him...for sickness and in health and all that!

I think you owe to your self and your dh to talk and see if there can be a solution to this..especially how you both parent your baby.

pooexplosionsareimproving · 10/02/2010 20:21

Thats what I get for defending a newbie!

OP I was trying to point out that you may not be as mn/forum literate as some. Your first post came across as rather stilted and lacking in info.
I assume there must be more than you said, as denying your child his father and a stable home because you don't get out much is bizarre.
either there is much more, or you are struggling with depression of some kind, or if neither, you really need to get a grip and grow up.

Oh, and if its Uncle Fluffy you were looking for, you're in the wrong place, you might want netmums instead.

Original poster

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 20:22

I'm really down right now as I been relentlessly nursing one or more family members since Xmas. We have no family nearby but my Mum comes to babysit once a month. We sometimes hire professional babysitters but this is expensive.

I know that this will add futher fuel to the argument but I am 38. I feel like a fish out of water at times as a lot of my friends have elected not to have children or have not met the right guy. I had a massive life before the DS and a burning desire to have a baby for years. I do not resent DS at all but I do struggle with finding a balance in this new life. I just want this life to work better..

I am back at work

OP posts:

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:23

Poo - at Uncle Fluffy.

Cookie - I think you mis-read Poo's posts.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 20:24

poo, OP isn't a newbie

cookie....you have suffered from anxiety for quite some time haven't you ?

you sound like you are in a fight/flight scenario

don't run away from your problems, you need to seek help I think....would speaking to someone in RL...a friend, your GP, counsellor be helpful do you think ?

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:26

Start again Cookie.

What is wrong? Apart from feeling claustrophobic. Are you feeling overwhelmed? It's full on working and having a baby.

It's understandable in some ways, you do need to find a way of things working for you, but divorce is not the answer surely.

SlightlyFoxed · 10/02/2010 20:27

OP, sounds like you are having a bad time of it right now. Illness, juggling work, being tired, coping with the realities of a young child... all hard. But surely not grounds for divorce?? You need to have a big think about all the stuff that isn't right, look at what is short term and what is long term and how you think you can make those problems better / easier. and you need to talk to your DH about it.

trust me, life as a single mother will not make any of your problems like being tired, not having fun etc any better! if you don't have much cash for a babysitter now, you are hardly likely to have more money for a babysitter if you split ...

Original poster

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 20:28

I'm sorry pooexplosionsareimproving I did not realise that's what you were referring too. I hope the wrath of the adjudicaters is not to severe, is there any way I can withdraw my complaint?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2010 20:30

cookie......the problems sound to be with you,not your husband. can you get some counselling?

i really dont recommend single parenthood...is he a good dad,does he get involved??

do you still love your husband?

mrsboogie · 10/02/2010 20:30

why would being 38 add more fuel to the fire?

do you think you have pnd cookie?

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 20:31

you want this life to work better?

great ! divorce is not the answer

time , talking, communicating will help

agree totally taht life as a single parent will not solve your problems of being tired/ claustrophobic

so waht if your friends don't have or don't want children! you have a ds who you love, how do you know they don't want your cosy life and beautiful baby ?

grass is alwaays greener,

pooexplosionsareimproving · 10/02/2010 20:32

you're grand, its not the first time I've been reported, no bother.

It does sound that you are overwhelmed, but I think you've latched on to the wrong thing to try and change. Whatever is difficult about your life now will almost certainly be worse if you split, unless your DH is the cause of your difficulties. Even if he is, its a hard process with massive ramifications.
Have you though of marriage counselling?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 20:33

bloody hell, cookie, you are quick to report !

slow down....

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:34

Lulu I meant to use that 'grass is always greener' and as a lot of us already know, it isn't.

Lulu single parenting is really hard, trust me, I've done it with two young dcs. You can't even go to the shop without a military manoevre.

Your partying friends might not be around for long either.

chippychippybangbang · 10/02/2010 20:34

Weirdly, the OP is very similar in tone to H's divorce petition against me.. it was really written in that style - down to "I feel we share nothing anymore and I feel we are not on the same page.." Spooky. If you want to go for unreasonable behaviour, OP, sounds like you've already got the grounds covered..

In all seriousness, you sound far too ready to bail out of your marriage at the slightest hurdle. If you split now, you will be doing 24 hour days, never mind 14 hour ones for the foreseeable future. You won't just be able to pass your baby over and get back out partying.

Do you think you might have a touch of depression? It sounds like you could do with some counselling to explore the issues you had at the end of your last relationship, I wonder if you're projecting these on to your DH.

Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:35

Oops, second line I meant Cookie.

Think I'll go to bed. lol

Lulumama · 10/02/2010 20:39

sleep well, monty!!

i have similar set up, DH works v v v long hours. but he does come home ! and he has days off that he spend with me, the DCVs, doing errands etc

it is easy to think you know what single parenting is like when you've got a spouse who is not around much

it's really not the case

your DH does come home, he does spend time with you and DS. you have a partner, you need to both appreciate each other

fairylights · 10/02/2010 20:43

would just second all those people who say how you are feeling sounds entirely NORMAL - not at all fun and pretty miserable but unfortunately the stuff of being a parent..
but it does sound like you need some counselling/outside help to work through how you are reacting to the situation you find yourself in.
And being one of those women who chucked it all on for knitting and baking.. its not that bad

Original poster

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 20:46

Any fucker. I was hurt and I felt I had been quickly judged

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 20:53

re-read your OP, cookie, it actually made very little sense at all...

you have had support on this thread, so people have given you a chance and judged only what they have seen

people are not mindreaders

Original poster

Cookiemg · 10/02/2010 21:07

I am very grateful for the support but words on a screen was just plain rude in a way that I would never have been.

I am not au fait with how you communicate in this forum. I have asked for Mumsnet advice before but have never been treated harshly.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/02/2010 21:10

< shrugs >

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