Marriage in crisis

[Cookiemg]

Hi

I'm not sure where to turn so I would be so grateful if you could take a couple of minutes to read this. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have am 11 month DS. Since Xmas DS has had a list of illnesses from nursery which my husband and I have had too. He's away on a business trip and I have all theses sudden feelings that divorce is inevitable between us. I mentioned the illnesses because it has been so tough nursing my baby when I've been ill. The illness seguewayed straight into the business trip so I have had no time to recover and am now doing 14 hour days with DS.

We have not achieved much intimacy since i was pregnant and I feel as though we share nothing anymore. We have not gone out as a couple for a long time and I feel as though we are not on the same page.

I was looking for a good guy who could party when I met DH as my previous partner had been termnally boring. DH was a great party animal but now accuses me of bahving like a lush because I have the same urge to let my hair down. I think that you can have a baby and a good time, it's in my lifeblood, I need to let go of my pressures.

I don't want a protracted separation as I have been in this situation before and it's better to make a clean break. I feel that life is all about responsibility and there is little lightness. I have a lot of Mum and non Mum friends.

xxx

I get the impression that you're feeling anxious and depressed and this is being magnified by your tiredness and feelings of isolation with your dh away.
These are the times when the good old days of nights out and freedom seem like a wonderful paradise. The nearest thing you can get to freedom in theory, when your mind is working on overdrive, would be to dump your husband who is in a way representing your ties.
But in reality it wouldn't work like that. If possible, try to work your mental energy in a different direction- plan a nice evening you can have together or maybe a night away or something, or think about a big night out you could have with your friends. Try and divert your path of thought from the one with 'divorce' as a beacon at the end.
This is from someone who can spiral into negative thoughts from a slight from dh, who can feel totally different with a little time and perspective!

Okay okay I get the rules of this forum. You seem to be a pretty established group and I have your authority wholly stamped upon me.

Thank you again for the empathy and constructive comments. I may be anxious but your mob personality could mellow a tad but I guess you all know where you stand with each other so why change?

Good advice from corriefan

Unfortunately you will never get your old life back..I have also had to come to terms with this. What you need to do is realise that you can have a great future even though it may be different to the last few years

Thank you corriefan and honeypeckle, you are right.

You're not thinking logically

You've presented us with:
DS has been ill
DH has been away on business a lot
Life is hard
I want to party

And your solution to all the above is divorce?

Life as a single parent is not going to be a party. You will have very little support at home.

Why not go back to work, get some adult company and stimulation, arrange a babysitter for a fixed night every week so that you and your DH can go out, start a course. Maybe even work a little at the marriage

Good luck

give over, cookie

we don't know each very much at all

we are are all on the end of our broadband...just like you

Would you be so ballsy if this was face to face?

cookie are you sure you don't have PND? I think your relationship issues do sound completely normal which is why so many people here are surprised that you would consider divorce for what might appear very little reason.

I had my DD when I was nearly 42. She was not planned and prior to her arrival, I had a fantastic life with a very glamorous job and lifestyle. All that is now long gone. I too have times when I feel that I am a shadow of my former self and wonder where I have gone. I think that's probably normal too.

What is worrying though is how much this is affecting you. I think, perhaps, you are suffering from depression but whether this is PND or depression of a more general nature, only you would know.

I hope you have a calming night's sleep and feel a bit more your old self in the morning.

is that a serious question cookie ?

the answer is yes

< wonders how cookie would react if someone was truly 'orrible to her... >

Would you be so defensive in RL?? You're coming across as an incredibly prickly person.

MN is a place for straight talking advice. It's been a source of amazing support to me during a horrible marriage break up and some health issues for one of my dc's. There are some incredibly wise and compassionate people on here.

However, I also love that you get honest opinions, which might not necessarily be what you want to hear, but are usually based on common sense or experience.

What do you want us to say to you?

Cookie, you seem to have a very cut-n-dried attitude to relationships in a sort of "if it isn't working, get out" kind of way. That may have worked in the past but you have a baby now. It's different! Maybe you will end up getting divorced from dh but deciding unilaterally that you would be better off just leaving is not the way to go about it. I truly think you are in for a huge shock if you think that life will be better on your own and you are somehow going to neatly package up ds and time with his dad in some tidy arrangement. Life will be even messier and more pressurised than it is now.

Quattro has laid it out nicely.

Your problems seem to be that you are tired, and sick, and are doing 14 hour days with your son, and rarely have sex.

Well, if you divorce, you will be tired, and sick, and do 24 hour days with your son, and rarely have sex. And there will be custody issues, and a huge amount of bitterness from your husband who will feel very hurt, and this whole 'clean break' thing sounds good but won't happen, not with a son involved.

You said 'I would love to spend more time with him where we could have a good time together'. This first year with a child is really the hardest. Your son will start being more independent, and you can find more time to spend with your husband, and things will ease up.

Don't just leave.

Cookie, you need to bear one thing in mind - if you leave, and you take the baby, you have residency. Your husband is only obliged to pay for the baby, he's not obliged to ever see him again. You could end up entirely on your own.

I find it shocking that you haven't considered relate, or even talking to your husband, before deciding you want to run away.

Your DH is away, so you are getting a little taste of life on your own. You don't seem to be enjoying the freedom, and have instead sunk into a low place where the only way out is to divorce him on his return.

Why not take the chance to try and do some things you think you might enjoy, or take positive steps to change your position?

Book a babysitter and arrange a night out with your old friends on your own. It might give you a boost.

Find a local toddler group and set about trying to make some new friends with kids.

Talk to your GP or HV to explore if you could possibly be a little depressed.

But, please, don't rush into leaving until you've fought a little harder for your marriage.

Cookie, did you imagine life 'after a baby'?

I think this is sometimes the problem. Well it was for me. I had imagined a child that I play with in the park and make fairy cakes with, but never the gruelling 24 hour hell that it is to nurture a new born human being. It is bloody difficult on 40 minutes sleep. You might need to focus on the baby for now. Get the baby into a routine. Look after yourself. Get some sleep and eat well. And I'd really advise you to join a mummy group.

Yes Cookie, it would be awful for you etc etc.

Posters are definitely appealing to your selfish side in trying to help. Is this all that will get through?

You are very glib about your partner losing his child, and your child losing its father. Does it really seem that easy to you?