If you met a married man who was "staying for the sake of the kids"

[Canto]

and you knew that this was the case, what would your opinion be of him if he was seeing other women?

I think it would depend on his agreement with his DW about extra-marital relationships.

Does she know/approve/accept that this might or can happen?

I would not believe him unless I heard his wife say that it was true.

If he is seeing other women, how is that protecting the DC? Does he really think that they will never find out or be hurt by his actions?

It sounds like a situation positively designed to end in tears for all concerned... him, DW, OW, the kids.... It's a ticking timebomb.

All depends on what arrangement he and his wife had come to. If they both accept their relationship with each other is over but they want to remain together for the dcs, then presumably seeing other people - for him and her - could be fine.
If however she thinks they are still happily married, then he is a lying twat.
Why do you ask?

I guess it depends on if he and his wife have an open marriage or not.

But if not, then I would think badly. He has made the decision to remain married, regardless of why.

Not exactly the greatest role model for his children if they think his behaviour is the norm for a relationship.

Acually, doesn't Tilda Swinton have this arrangement?
She still lives with her dcs and their father, but is very openly in a relationship with another man who she doesn't live with.
Seems to work for them, but maybe that's because they are luvvies

Deluded and/or twat and/or liar.

I would run a mile.

I couldn't "know" that was the truth unless I'd heard it from the wife - and even if she confirmed this story, I would think he was deluding himself that this is the right atmosphere in which to bring up children. Our values would therefore clash, on so many levels, that there would be no future.

I'd also run, surly it's better for the children to grow up in a house where they know that their parents are unhappily living in the same house, unable to move on with their lives because of them.

It can and does happen. It's a very sad situation, but if it were absolutely true then I wouldn't blame him (and likewise, her).

Doesn't "I'm staying for the sake of the kids" rank alongside "My wife doesn't understand me.." these days?

blame him/her for seeing other people I mean

Been there, done that, cried buckets and he's still where he was when we first met over 10 years ago. Didn't last long (I'm not proud of it) but OMG it hurt. If he's really there for the children he will never leave until the youngest has finished university and/or is married. Run, run like the wind unless you want to be OW and have lonely weekends, holidays, evenings, life.

If he and his wife had that agreement then fair enough. She'll know all about it and you can have a chat with her.

If he was 'staying for the sake of the kids' but had forgotten to tell his wife this, and was still sleeping with her and SHE was faithful and he was lying to her about where he was....

Then no, he's just a cheating sack of shit.

It's bollocks.

Staying for the sake of the kids (which is shite too) should mean being the dad and not involving other people in the potential mess.

If he's dating other women, it means he's having his cake and eating it. His kids aren't his first concern.

W*nker imo.

Well if he is "staying" for the sake of the kids, how is going out and spending a presumably considerable amount of time with an OW actually "being there" for his children?

If he really is staying for the sake of the kids, to me that is not compatible with the DW looking after the kids whilst he's out shagging. Even if the DW goes out shagging as well, it's a deeply twisted arrangement and upsetting for all concerned.

There's no need for it these days, just get divorced. I know a teacher who was teaching Year 9 and a pupil announced to the teacher "did you know, everyone in this room has divorced parents?".

I'm pleased my parents are divorced. They are both much happier.

What if he was divorced and 'staying for the sake of the kids'. How much difference would make?

Thanks for your replies. I am interested to see how many people think they wouldn;t believe it or do it unless they heard it from her, because that is how I feel.

Yes, it is me seeing him. Or was

It's been a mess from start to finish and at the moment I am out of it. But I still have feelings.

I know from other sources that she does know that he has other relationships and does accept it (god knows if she's happy or not, I doubt it). He did also apparently told her about me, but how could I possibly take his word for it?

As I begin to distance myself from it I think it just CANNOT be the right thing for the kids. Surely?

makes no difference.

I know what it is like to be the child in these circumstances. Both my parents were seeing other people and my dad resented having to look after me sooooooo much and I knew he did.

I wouldn't believe it. If it's true and he is seeing other women then he has no regard for the woman he is seeing.

What heQet said.

Don't do it. Stay strong.

My aunt wasted almost 20 years of her life waiting for her lover to leave his wife and family.

You are worth more than the few stolen moments that he is willing to give you.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wish my parents hadn't got divorced. Yes, they were happier apart but I wasn't. The practicalities were so much harder for me with them apart and it meant having to have a stepfamily, who weren't horrible by any means but were pretty much apathetic towards me. Even that was damaging. I don't see the point in getting divorced for someone else if you know you're the sort of person who can't do monogamy.

Saying that, if I got into the situation my parents were in I would probably divorce. Guess I'm just a hypocrite! Of course if the relationship is truly awfully unhappy, then by all means get out. But if you basically get on and aren't horrible to each other it's better for the children if you stay together.

Canto. You are atm out of it so I would advise you to keep looking at the road ahead not back. Really isn't worth it. Find a man who is free to give you the commitment you are worth. Speaking from experience here.

No amount of I love you's will ever mean you have a real relationship with someone that is living with a DP.

listen to belle, she knows

OP, find someone else

you are on a losing ticket all round

have more respect for yourself, and for those kids

who cares what his situation is...are you happy for this to be your situation ?

I wouldn't be....

one man isn't worth this, find yourself another, without the baggage