If you met a married man who was "staying for the sake of the kids"

[Canto]

and you knew that this was the case, what would your opinion be of him if he was seeing other women?

AboutEve you are making a lot of sense. I can't help but think devotion to one's kids hides a fucking comfortable life thank you very much.

I feel stronger for telling people, even if none of you are real and just internet sprites

That is one of the other lousy things about this kind of situation, barely anyone knows as I could hardly go around introducing him to friends.

God, the more I think about it the faster I am walking.

Am going to bed, but thank you.

Canto, I'm a real person

Isn't "staying for the sake of the kids" another way of saying home life is still OK but I'd like to shag you on the side with no commitment on my part? Ditch him.

Yes, you are definitely better off out of it. Not being able to plan anything in advance, not being allowed to be a proper part of his life, not being able to be together for Christmas and birthdays - it sucks. He'll never leave, he probably has a very comfortable life. You can do better!

canto, thanks for hug

we are real people canto

we sympathise, honestly

but because we are one step removed...we see the right course for you to follow

and you are doing it..so credit all round

He is still married. It is still an affair. Doesn't matter how you dress it up.

and even if you wobble, that is ok too

but don't say we didn't warn ya

some of us are quite long in the tooth...so speak from experience ie. not judgementally

I like the idea of being an internet sprite

Canto, you know you're doing the thing that's best for you. Be kind to yourself tomorrow. And the day after.

agree with others - I take someone who says they are staying for sake of dcs with a pinch of salt. So many people (mainly men ime) want the comfortable home life with the status this gives some of them are in dead or sexless marriages and then are also quite happy to have a bit on the side.

And if you can't handle then walk away.

Have also been there and got the t shirt - and sponge you and I have something in common it seems. Won't go into detail here.

I do agree that some women can shag without emotion or more likely shag and be in control.

But also think that there is always going to be one who is going to get to you and leave you out of control and often as not its in this situation. Outcome - heartbreak for you.

Possible some discomfort and upset for them but probably not as much as you.

I have RL friend who spent best part of late twenties and thirties with a man who said that - it was weird because at one point they did live together and then he went to live overseas without his wife but latterly has become ill and I think he went back to wife in the UK. All quite a big mess.

Walk away! You deserve more than this lying, cheating man.

sponge - cat me or email me

[email protected]

Having just read OP and the thread title...
I would think 'no way' and avoid like the plague.

I would be thinking 'why are you really staying..?'

I would think he was a liar and would definately NOT become involved with him. If you truly unhappy in a marriage, staying because 'of the children' very soon becomes intolerable. A piss poor excuse for someone who wants the best of both worlds.

Run like the wind, sister!

Been there, done that. It doesn't work.

I'd think that here was someone who was staying in a relationship because he was afraid of the alternatives.

I went on a date with a man whom I thought was single. it transpired on the date that he was still living in the marital home and told me that they were sperated.

I am afraid I went home and decided not to get intangled in affairs that I wasn't sure about.

He asked me out agian and I told him that I thought it was better for him to sort his life out and get his own place and that until he had done that I wasn't interested.

Apparently I was throwing away soemthing wonderful - what after one date?

I doubt whether his wife understood him and I expect he still lives with his wife....

Hi thanks again for all your thoughts.

Walking away is going to be hard. We work for the same company (oh yes, how much more cliched can it get?). Do not have to see each other every day but could bump into each other easily iyswim. Still need to be in contact occasionally for work reasons.

He is away for the next 3 weeks working somewhere else and we agreed not to contact each other, but when he gets back we said we would talk.

I am concerned about just letting it drift, as someone suggested, because I think if I ignore him when he gets back he will just chase and I will end up losing my resolve. Of course, he may not!!

Given our work circumstances I would rather be clear about it.

I think if I see him in person I will wobble big time. What do I do? Send an e-mail? I've only ever dumped people before when it was either a non-starter or I had got to the point where indifference had set in. Not when a bit of me still wants to be there.

You do what you need to do to avoid wobbling.

If that's an email, then go that route.

You owe this man nothing.

He is married with children.

YOU are not. YOU deserve to do whatever it is for you to get away from this person because you deserve a relationship with someone who is free and clear.

I would assume he was shagging his wife but wanted to shag other women too.

I would not believe a word of it unless it was confirmed by the wife.

"staying for the sake of the kids" is a cowards way of justifying an affair and anyone who believes it is naive. (SP?)

Canto, there's an easy way to strengthen your resolve you know. If he's saying that he and his wife are basically free agents, why not ask her? And tell him you're planning to do just that, while he's away.

Think you might find he'll go into hiding thereafter and leave you alone.

The only way i would believe that to be the case is if i heard him tell me in the presence of his wife and she backed him up!

I dont believe anyone really stays for the kids - they may not leave because of the kids but that is not exactly the same thing really.

It is much easier to leave when things are not perfect when there are no kids, but with kids in the equation just show me a perfect marriage.

I have no doubt there are times when he may well believe what he is saying but actions really do speak louder than words and he aint leaving is he??

Be grateful you have seen him for what he really is before you got any deeper

Be grateful you did`nt put anything on the line for him like if you had been in a relationship or anything

Be grateful you are not his wife as I would say she knows nothing about it and is at home bringing up the family doing his washing while he is out shagging other women

You were`nt the first OW for him nor from the sounds of it will you be last

The man is a shit
Keep on walking away in fact run

I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who lived with another woman.
I think that having parents in open relationships with other adults has the potential to screw kids up more than him just moving a few streets away and being honest with the kids and them just having bog standard divorced parents who are sensible about child access.

Like FGF2010 said. I know its (maybe) slightly different, but a male friend of mine who is gay got very heavily involved for any years with another man who gave him that line. When the youngest kid went to Uni, the cheating fink husband DID leave his wife, but for younger, fitter man than my friend .
If you truly are star-crossed lovers - tell him he can have you when the kids are grown up, if you are still available. Otherwise , bite the bullet, 'cos you will are onto a loser - sorry