urgent advice please

[IWantWine]

relationship broken down.. discussing divorce but I have not seen a solicitor yet.
I am being pressurised about finances! to close bank accounts.... immediately.

What do I do..?

also married in Scotland, tho. living in England.. does that make any difference?

To close bank accounts in what way?

Meant to add: don't agree to anything before seeing a solicitor. If your bank accounts can be accessed by either signatory, this is a worry & you should get advice pronto (today). If both, you can wait until received advice.

the accounts can be accessed by either, but being a Saturday, the bank is closed now.

He is convinced that I am entitled to nothing! I know this isnt true. But I am so worn down right now. I tried to see a solicitor yesterday but couldnt make appointment as sol. in question wasn't in the office!

Currently you own everything - including pensions, savings, property & investments - jointly. When you divorce the court will decide who gets to keep what, not him. If you have DCs, the parent with residence should get more.

Don't let him railroad you. He may also try to push you into a 'collaborative' divorce, which is the low-cost option. This is for couples who can agree on everything between themselves, so please be careful if you go that way.

Your home insurance may include a free legal advice line that's open on Saturdays. It might help you feel a little bit more in control if you can speak to a lawyer, it doesn't mean you're deciding anything.

Sorry you're going through this. You must be having an awful time. Please remember to phone people for support - and eat something!

Tell him you will do nothing until you have professional advice. It would be unwise.

Thanks all of you. This has been a long time coming, years of his verbal and emotional abuse. I am terrified of what I am doing but I cant go back now!

He has dropped the subject for now.. but he likes to play mind games.

I hope I can get to see a solicitor on Monday, after that I think I might go and stay with family.

And yes, he is trying to push me into a 'collaborative divorce' which is why I need to get away, away from the constant pressure.

Make sure he doesnt try and emtpy bank accounts in mean time - try and get copies of everything - pensions, bank statements, insurance poilcies mortgage stuff - also put yours and dc's passports safe - post them to a relative if necessary.

What geordiminx said - get copies of everything NOW.

most garages have photocopiers, or do you have a scanner that you can use?

or the library!

I understand, I will sort it now!

Thanks again.

Are libraries open on a sat pm? (((ludite emoticon)))

Hi Iwantwine

Divorceis a long process It may take a few weeks to get an appointment with a family lawyer ? most will offer a free half hour ? so go armed with a list of all your questions, and use the half hour wisely. You might also try the Which Guide to divorce ? your local library will have a copy ? that should give you an idea of the basics.

In terms of jurisdiction it is your place of residence that is important, so it is the fact that you live in England that matters. It is of no consequence that you married in Scotland.

Do you have children? If so, the court will look to maintain the status quo and protect the children. Assets generally follow the main or primary carer, unless there are significant assets, such as the needs of the children can be met, and the assets still divided equally.

Unless you are in fear for your safety, the usual advice is not to leave the marital home while the divorce is being sorted out, even though this will take months. If you are do so, you are demonstrating to the court that your housing needs can be met elsewhere ? so the court is less likely to make any effort to keep you in the marital home with your children... and more likely to order it sold etc.

In a worst case scenario, you could also be changing the status quo with regards to your children. Imagine a SAHM who moves out from her non-violent DH leaving him in the home with DC 14 and 16... the court may well regard DH as the primary carer and award him 70% of the marital assets, so that he can stay in the home with his kids ? and just give mum w/e access ? which may well have been far from her intentions!
Take care ? don?t panic... like I said, this is a long slow process. It is a big shock to start the process, so be gentle with yourself.

Do you have any money/cards of your own?

I would draw a bit of cash out, and keep it somewhere safe if you can, just incase cards are cancelled?

Might be worth speaking to the bank and telling them that the cards must not be cancelled - incase he rings up and tells them cards have been stolen?

My library is open 7 days - till 8 Mon-Friday, till 6 on Sat, till 5 on Sun.

I love libraries

Do you have your own bank account ie one that he doesnt have access to.

If you have child get your child benefit changed over immediately to your account so he cant get his hands on it.

Thanks. Ok. The kids are into their late teens. I know my daughter will come with me, I think my son will choose to stay with his dad.

I do have my own bank account and a bit of cash.

I am desperate to get away, you have no idea, surely if I go to visit a family member, this wouldnt go against me? I have a recording on my phone of his abuse and I have had cause to call the police here twice. I have no support here, no one, my only family is at the other side of the country.

No, going away on holiday won't hurt you - I'm sure you need it! The other post was talking about living somewhere else.

Do get some professional advice first; you've been given good pointers about protecting your assets, which is one urgent question. Before you go away, think of whether you have any possessions you honestly couldn't bear to lose - and take them with you. It sounds horribly cynical to think like this, but better safe than sorry! There's usually only a handful of things: maybe some photos, a few bits of jewellery?

Once you've got yourself somewhat protected, get away and gather your resources
Do you have company for tonight & tomorrow?

Thanks, no. not really. the kids will go out! I will be here, following the threads on MN, and thinking 'I could have written that'... and I have family to speak to on the phone if necessary.

I do feel so utterly on my own but I have got this far, I dont want to give up now.

And all this blew up last night because I didnt want to have sex with him. He thinks he owns my body, just because I am his wife.

I hope you don't feel so alone later knowing that you have all this support on MN.

Glad you have access to your own money because if it were all joint and you contacted the bank once they know there may be a dispute they may freeze the account - this happened to me many years ago so don't know if things have changed now.

Don't be rushed into anything. Take your time to decide what you want to do and what's right for you.

And once again, remember tonight that you are not alone.

Thanks. That means so much.

How old are you children? If they are over 18, or over 16 and working, they will be considered adults anyway... and no provision is usually made for them. This can be quite tough for people to understand, as 19 year olds are usually not fully independent in reality!

Just to add, some of the advice about assets and taking stuff... have you any reason to believe your ex2b will behave badly around the finances?

In England, the relevant date for splitting assets is the date of your divorce ? so if for example, DH won the lottery tomorrow, or a month after you split up and lived apart, you would still be entitled to half his winnings... and vice a versa

A court will look at everything in the marital pot and divide it ? 50/50 is the starting point, but one spouse may get a bigger share because they are the main carer for the children, have given up a career to look after kids and thus has poorer earning power etc etc.

For many people, the main assets will be their home and their pensions (which need to be valued)... Most married people co-own their house, and if you don?t, tell me, as there are steps you can take to prohibit him from selling it ? pensions pots can?t be accessed, so the ability to do the dirty for most of us, is rather limited... If he empties the ISA now, a court will rather want to know where it went, and compensate you accordingly out of other assets....

If all you have, asset wise, is some savings in the bank... it would be worth doing something to protect them... speak to the bank...

But, if you want to really waste your money, the best way to do it is to have an acrinomous divorce ? the fees can run into thousands... I?m not saying you shouldn?t get legal advice ? this is an absolute must ? but the more you can work things out with your H, the better it will be for you both.

But my big advice is this.... divorce is a long process... go and spend some time with your family... be gentle with yourself... it is a huge shock to leave a marriage. The financial stuff will sort itself out over the coming months.

We went out... for a meal, all of us, just got back and already I am being pressurised for sex.......

the kids are off out, to do their own thing, so I am going to go and lock myself in the bedroom. I dont know what else to do... Luckily I have a lap top.

I just wish I had somewhere close to go to tonight! I feel so... I cant find the words... overwhelmed I guess...I just want to be left alone!