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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

urgent advice please

74 replies

IWantWine · 06/02/2010 12:47

relationship broken down.. discussing divorce but I have not seen a solicitor yet.
I am being pressurised about finances! to close bank accounts.... immediately.

What do I do..?

also married in Scotland, tho. living in England.. does that make any difference?

OP posts:
geordieminx · 06/02/2010 20:10

Do you have any friends close by?

IWantWine · 06/02/2010 20:30

no... none.. all my relationships outside of this one have been eroded.. you get the picture!

it is ok.. I have got this far and I know it is going to get worse before it gets better.. I will stay here as long as possible and then, take the lap top and lock myself in the bedroom! I have called the police before and I guess, I will if I have to tonight. I never guessed things would get this bad!

But I worry that if I have to call them again, one of us will have to leave the premises.. I dont want to.. and I really dont want to force him to! There isnt any threat of physical violence but the verbal and emotional abuse is as bad.

OP posts:
chippychippybangbang · 06/02/2010 21:06

are you ok OP? This really worries me..

geordieminx · 06/02/2010 21:14

Me too

STIDW · 06/02/2010 21:18

The usual legal advice is not to move out of the former matrimonial home until there are arrangements for the finances and children in place, unless it's unsafe to remain there.

Depending what is in the bank account and the size of the overdraft facility closing the bank account may be of little consequence if you have your own account. However, if your name is not on the deeds to the house you, or a solicitor on your behalf, will need to register your matrimonial home rights with the Land Registry in order to prevent the house being sold until proper arrangements are in place.

All the value of assets (including pensions) held jointly and solely, minus any liabilities, form the net value of assets under consideration. The assets are then shared according to a checklist of factors and usually meeting the needs of both parties is at the top of the list.

A good starting point is to think about both parties' housing requirements and how much equity could be made available, local house prices, how what mortgage both parties can raise etc. Strictly speaking the starting point isn't sharing assets 50:50 - equality is the 'yardstick' to measure settlements against, but that isn't necessarily 50:50. For example, a lower earner cannot raise as large a mortgage as the higher earner and therefore requires more capital to be on an equal footing to start independent life.

Although the welfare of under 18s is the priority, children over 18 in education or special circumstances are not irrelevant and courts recognise they need a base even if they don't live there full time.

It usually takes months or even years to sort matters and apart from seeing a solicitor to find out where you stand and what your options are I would suggest that it would be worth not trying to tackle direct negotiations with your husband whilst emotions are running high. Emotion just hurts the wallet.

Legal fees can make a big dent in your assets and once the first part of the divorce goes through if you can come to an agreement between yourselves or with the help of a mediator a solicitor can draft it into an order which is legally binding once ratified by the courts.

Alternatively, some people use collaborative law when both parties and their solicitors have a series of meetings to negotiate a settlement. The solicitors agree to withdraw if no settlement can be reached so it's not in their interest to not reach a settlement (sorry, double negative!) Collaborative law isn't cheap, although it's cheaper than fighting all the way through the courts and the main advantage is that it does the least damage to long term family relationships.

Karmann · 08/02/2010 19:34

How are you today?

IWantWine · 11/02/2010 13:01

Hi sorry I have not been back earlier. just to update you, I left on Sunday evening and travelled up to spend time with some relatives. They all tell me that I ought not to go back into that house!

I have to take my daughter back and she will stay there, but I just dont know what to do for myself. I dont have anybody to stay with down there and really dont want to go into a refuge. I guess that only leaves the option of a hotel and I will be so lonely sitting there night after night until I can sort out something better! I guess I should be grateful to that that option at least but I feel so alone already.

Anyway, thank you all for your messages.

OP posts:
Karmann · 11/02/2010 14:00

I don't often spend evenings on here but I don't want to think of you sitting alone in an hotel room so I will try my best to log on from time to time. I'm sure there will be others on here to support you. Where are you?

STIDW · 11/02/2010 16:03

Please get some legal advice and don't rely on barrack room lawyers. Obviously if it's unsafe you will need to leave the house but you could be jeopardizing your position, particularly if you are usually the primary carer and take your child back. When there is evidence that it's not safe a solicitor can perhaps assist with an injunction and occupation order.

IWantWine · 12/02/2010 22:11

Hi,
I just got back home tonight. It has been, well, dreadful.

I will update later as I am not alone at the moment.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 13/02/2010 14:54

Cheers for the update! I'm sorry to hear things are going from bad to worse? So glad that your family support you - let us know what's occurring, if you feel like a moan.
Thinking of you. x

IWantWine · 16/02/2010 18:26

Well when I got back my p.c. (password protected) no longer had a password on it.. I reinstated everything but I suspect he has now installed keylogger software!

He has been insisting on sex (which I have refused point blank) and pressurising me constantly. Now, he is getting very very nasty.

I have an appointment with a solicitor, which he doesnt know about, but he is insisting I move out immediately, obviously before I get any legal advice. He is also threatening to throw out my daughter because of the support she is giving me.

I knew it would get worse before it got better but I just dont know what to do right now. For my own safety I feel inclined to leave but I dont want to go to a refuge.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 16/02/2010 18:45

You seem adamant you don't want to go to a refuge - but, really, would sharing a house for a few weeks be so much worse than what you're living with now?

If he threatens you with violence, or starts damaging your things, call the police. It would obviously be better for him to leave, so your kid/s can stay in their own home, but that's NOT at the cost of your safety. If you need to leave, then do so. He can't "take the house away from you" no matter what he says. Download this (PDF) from the Land Registry, it explains about matrimonial home rights. I registered one of these when I was divorcing - my ex sold the flat a few years later, and the purchaser's solicitor had to contact me to lift my "charge" on the property. You could ask your solicitor to explain it.

Did you talk to Women's Aid? And is there somebody who could come & stay with you?

Take care. I mean that!!

Karmann · 16/02/2010 20:12

I have to say that I am concerned about your safety (and that of your daughter) right now. He sounds as if he is about to blow. Please be careful. How is your daughter coping?

IWantWine · 19/02/2010 04:10

I finally left last night! Things were so bad I packed a case and left and now here I am with nowhere to go, little money, and I cant get an appointment with a solicitor for just over a week.

I dont want to go back but where do I go from here? I cant afford to stay in a hotel until I find rented accom and I have nobody I can stay with!!!!!

OP posts:
Karmann · 19/02/2010 04:28

Not just me up at this hour then! Where are you?

lavenderbongo · 19/02/2010 04:33

I just wanted to let you know someone was up and listening. Please try not to worry - I think you did the right thing by leaving. I would try contacting womans aid there website has lots of advice and contact numbers of people who could help and provide advice. I am sorry i cant give better advice but I am in NZ at the mo.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 19/02/2010 04:38

Hello! Just had a look through your thread - I can't sleep, don't know why! - and am so sorry to hear things are tough.
But I'm really glad you have left, well done that must have taken some doing. He sounds truly awful - why would someone insist on sex with someone who clearly dislikes them? I suppose it's a power thing. Horrible.
Hope you find somewhere safe to live while you gather yourself together. I will check this thread and do my best to support.

moid · 19/02/2010 04:45

Take care

TrickyTeenagersMum · 19/02/2010 16:10

Bump - this lady needs some t l c girls

ItsGraceAgain · 19/02/2010 16:23

I've been thinking about you, too - hoping your parents have stepped in to help?

All the best. x

Karmann · 19/02/2010 17:34

We need to hear from you again. Please get in touch.

wineslurper · 19/02/2010 23:19

hope you are ok, Iwantwine, priority is keeping yourself and your daughter (and son) safe. let us know how you're doing.

sailorsgal · 20/02/2010 07:50

I've been watching this thread aswell. Did you find somewhere to stay?

Hope you are okay.

Ready4anothercoffee · 20/02/2010 08:46

Iwantwine fwiw I am currently in refuge and it is .onestly ok! Yes you shaere your living space, but it is quite helpful to live wiht other women in this position and know you re not alone and that all abusers use the same script. At a refuge you would also have a support worker who would help you find asolicetor and sort everything else out.

take care sweetie and stay safe x

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