Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

urgent advice please

74 replies

IWantWine · 06/02/2010 12:47

relationship broken down.. discussing divorce but I have not seen a solicitor yet.
I am being pressurised about finances! to close bank accounts.... immediately.

What do I do..?

also married in Scotland, tho. living in England.. does that make any difference?

OP posts:

Original poster

IWantWine · 20/02/2010 18:30

Hi everybody.

Thank you for your support and messages.

I dont want to put too much up incase he reads it. But.... I am feeling so positive. Not much money. Nowhere to live, no job.. lol but these things are nothing compared to dealing with him on a daily basis. On Monday I am going to organise benefits.. and try to get into a refuge. I spoke to Womens Aid and due to their advice I managed to speak to a solicitor.

Please God I get it sorted I cant face having to go back. Having got this far.

And to anybody else in an abusive relationship, I hope you manage to get out of it.

OP posts:

Karmann · 20/02/2010 18:34

Good to hear from you. Despite not having the things you have mentioned it sounds to me like you have had a weight lifted off your shoulders. Take care - you are doing well.

2boys2 · 20/02/2010 18:39

IWantWine - wow!! you are fantastic - so determined, good for you!!! where are you staying? what area of the country are you?

keep going, be strong and free of the evil pig

2boys2 · 20/02/2010 18:40

TrickyTeenagersMum - u ok??

JaynieB · 20/02/2010 18:42

Just read this through - well done you for making the break and hurrah for feeling so positive about it!
Keeping everything crossed for you, take care.

Original poster

IWantWine · 20/02/2010 18:47

It isnt easy I am feeling so guilty and selfish but I so desperately want some freedom and independence.

OP posts:

dittany · 20/02/2010 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 20/02/2010 18:49

You're doing so well! Thank you for updating
I'm really glad you have found some support. Wishing you all the strength, luck, patience and help you need.

Take care of you. xx

JaynieB · 20/02/2010 18:55

Its not selfish to want freedom and independence.

Karmann · 20/02/2010 19:02

There is absolutely no need to feel guilty or selfish. You are doing the best for you (and in the long term your children) and that's nothing to feel guilty or selfish about - quite the opposite. Why should anyone put up with abuse of any kind?

I imagine that you are confident that your children are safe and that when you get yourself sorted you will be together. This is the first, and necessary step, you need to take to ensure this.

You are now free of his abuse and you are to be congratulated.

maybees · 20/02/2010 19:13

Dont feel guilty or selfish .If he had been a decent partner you wouldn't be in this situation.You will make a new safe home and you will blossom now that this arse is out of your way.
Congratulations !
Take care x

Original poster

IWantWine · 21/02/2010 17:56

Ok.. I thought things were going well but no my OH is threatening to harm himself! I have my 2 teenage children there trying to deal with him.

I told them I would go back if they needed me. I really dont want to and I wont stay. I dont know what to do. If I go back, he will just keep making these threats to manipulate me but it isnt fair to leave them to deal with this on their own.

OP posts:

mrshomersimpson · 21/02/2010 18:09

Can the police help? It sounds to me like the DV unit would be interested (insisting on sex, for example, and although you refused, you felt leaving home was the only solution). I think he should leave so that you can stay there with the children.

Original poster

IWantWine · 21/02/2010 18:13

My OH is calling me on my mobile but my son has told me that he does not think it would be a good idea for me to speak to him.

I advised my son to call a doctor out to him. I really do not believe he is genuine in this, but it is such a risk to take. I think he should have medical help.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 21/02/2010 18:14

It's part of the routine. Scroll down to "Escalating Control" here.

Awful that he's putting your children through this! Is there any chance you can fetch them, or have a friend do it? Are any support workers available today?

I wish I could do something concrete to help you. Please try to stay strong, don't let him trick you. Also, please try calling the police. I do not know all the rules, but this should definitely be reported - and they may be able to remove him from the home, as what he's doing is child abuse.

ItsGraceAgain · 21/02/2010 18:16

It's a good idea to call a doctor - and the police, if the doctor hasn't already done so. If he's "a danger to himself or others" he could be sectioned Give you a few days' peace, anyway.

2boys2 · 21/02/2010 18:25

hows it going?

DO NOT GO ROUND TO SEE HIM. A friend finally escaped after years of abuse and her ex pulled this little stunt. Feeling so guilty she went round and he beat her so badly she was in hospital for a week

Original poster

IWantWine · 21/02/2010 18:42

He has never been physically violent but emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive! But then, he has never lost control over me before so who knows how he would react. It isnt something I would wish to test. I am waiting to hear from my son. I insisted he call for a doctor or ambulance.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 21/02/2010 19:00

Good. Hope he did! All the writing says an emotional abuser may resort to more extreme tactics if you give in to this one (as he now knows he can keep you there, whatever he does to you). So PLEASE DON'T give in!!

Is there any reason why you can't call the cops from where you are?

BelleDameSansMerci · 21/02/2010 19:07

Please call the police. He is in a dangerous place and I think you need to consider the safety of others in the house.

Original poster

IWantWine · 21/02/2010 19:08

I left a message on the D.V. number that I have to update them. I am waiting to hear from my son. I will keep you up to date.

Thanks for the messages! I know it is the last lever of control that he has to get me to go back.

OP posts:

giveitago · 21/02/2010 19:20

Oh just read this thread - so sorry oyu are going through this - keep in touch regularly with your kids - get into a refuge - call an ambulance for your 2bex if necessary.

Hope you and your kids are OK.

Honestly ifhe's acting like this you'll find the divorce a relief and I'm sure that his behaviour will be factored into it all.

You take care and get some care for yourself.

Ready4anothercoffee · 21/02/2010 23:55

I agree it is all part of the game to attempt to regain control over you, dreadful that he's putting your dc through it though. Call the non-emergency number for the police, and notify them as the response will be quicker.

good luck. Don't engage with his, his tatics will only bcome more extreme.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 22/02/2010 11:15

Just to say, so glad you have escaped him. Do not give in and go back, he will have won and you will be for it then. Is always, always unacceptable to force someone to have sex with you.

This may sound brutal but it will be better for him in the long run not to get away with being an abusive bully.

Be strong, you've done the hardest bit.

Flip

1 2 3