DW's affair - what next?

[Rubarb]

I have been with my DW for 11 years and have two kids.

DW recently told me she'd been having an affair. I had absolutely no idea. It came out because she was so gutted when she got dumped. She was completely besotted with her OM for several years before the affair happend and has been really struggling since it ended. She told me that I was caring and supportive but she was never really attracted to me and always know deep down that relationship wasn't really right. She now wants a platonic relationship.

DW has not been the easiest to be with but I always thought she was worth it. Our sex life has been diabolical in recent years but I had put this down to the depression she was going through. I now look back and see so many signs that our relationship had problems right from the early days and I feel a right fool for being oblivious to them.

I am angry inside but still in love with her nevertheless. She wants us to remain living in the same house. I want to want this too but I am worried I will struggle to get over her and become continually sad. I am conscious it is customary that the dad is the one to move out when there has been an affair, but I love my kids so much and spend a lot of time looking after them; I don't want to leave and live apart from them.

I feel trapped and afraid.

i think you need to go to relate together
you need to go to counselling on your own

you need to make enquiries as to your legal status should things go tits up - make sure all the finances are in order and you know whats what and what you are entitled to.

oh and if you act like a doormat - yu will be treated like one - so chin up and know your facts

The first two suggestions are underway.

She doesn't want to be with you. For whatever reasons you got married - they no longer apply. I'm sorry you have dc. They were maybe part of her 'trying to make it work' plan - but now not relevent.

Does she want to go for councilling to make it work? Or is she complying out of guilt?

I don't hold out much hope for you. I don't think your wife was really, madly in love with you in the first place?

Better to cut your losses now I'd say.

Really sorry to hear this, Rubarb, it must be devastating.

I'm afraid I don't have advice at the mo as I'm tired and need to get to bed, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're going through such an awful time.

Will come back to this thread.

The counseling was my suggestion and she has been more reluctant than me but it becoming accustomed to it. Realistically we are looking for ways forward in terms of living arrangements and child care rather than trying to fix our relationship.

She says she still loves me and wants to be friends; she doesn't want to "loose the best parts of our relationship". These best parts all feel a bit functional to me.

Horrible though the situation is now, there will come a time when you will be able to be friends again - and you will be free to find a partner who loves you as a partner, not platonically. The counselling will help you separate with as little bitterness as possible, which is best for all of you.
Best of luck, it will get better, slowly but surely.

You have split up. You can't live together- it will be hideous for your children and a terrible example of a relationship to set for them. See a solicitor and work out what comes next- the future can be brighter for both of you, and healthier for the children, but you need to make a break and sort yourselves out.

You have split up but I don't see why you should leave. Of course she wants the best parts of the relationship: they are the best parts for her. The living arrangement, the childcare, you on hand to help her through her problems with men. Is she going to carry on with other lovers?

Think about how the children will be in that situation. I would ask her to leave. Sorry to be harsh but you are being used. She needs to be faced with the prospect of losing you and her family life so that she can think clearly. You need to toughen up.

Oookaaay. You simply can't live together - it is not fair on you, and not fair on the children. It sounds like she is trying to have her cake and eat it tbh - assuaging some guilt in the process.

I know you probably can't see past it right now - it is a shit situation to be in, but you have to get a backbone and ask her to leave... only that way is she faced with the stark reality of life without you, and life without her DCs. AND, importantly, you get some self respect back, as well as control - you should start calling the shots here.

Really feel for you, it must be dreadful, but as soon as you start 'doing' instead of being 'done unto' you will feel a whole lot better. Promise. and the children will adapt - we underestimate their capacity to cope with situations like this, truly.

Good luck.

Terrible situation Rubarb, my heart goes out to you.

I have to agree wuth lurkingsnurker. It's time for you to call the shots. She brought all this on herself, she should face the consequences and leave the family home.

How you can for a moment consider living together is beyond me. Don't you want to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone?

I think that only when she sees you take control and move forward in your life and stop being walked all over, will she then gain any respect for you and see the error of her ways. Also, this isn't a great role model for your children.

Good luck.

I agree that she is trying to manipulate you into accepting a situation which will be crushing for you but will enable her to have things entirely her way. You do not have to put up with this - in fact, I would seriously question her claims to still love you if she is trying to create a situation which is so utterly centred upon herself. She appears to be thinking only of her short-term desires to have it all, and not of the devastating impact on you and your children.

You do NOT have to put up with this, you really don't. Things are raw at the moment, but as SGB says, over time (and it will be a long time) things will get better, and even become manageable.

You need to get as much support as you can - do you have male and female friends in RL who you can confide in? Both sexes can provide you with support in different ways, so it will help you enormously if you can start to corral your friends' help.

You also need to ask yourself why you are willing to consider an arrangement which would be so detrimental to your well-being. I'm sure part of the reason is that at the moment you're still in the shock phase and so are unable to think as clearly as you need right now - that's perfectly normal and you may need some time in this phase before you can start to make decisions. In fact, I think you should tell your wife in no uncertain terms that you're not in a position to make decisions right now, and that since she is the one who has betrayed you, now she has to just wait for you to gather your strength/ thoughts/ resources before you can start to make decisions for the future.

Then, when you are able to start thinking about the future, Picture yourself in this domestic set-up which your wife has suggested, in 1, 5, 10 years' time or more - what do you see? How does it affect you? Is it a picture that you want to become a reality? I sort of know a man who allowed his wife to manipulate him excessively before, during and post divorce, and it is not a happy picture. She is also as manipulative towards their children, and he is not able to challenge this, so she is totally in control of everyone, and everyone is miserable when she's around. This has been going on for years - is that what you want for yourself and your children?

Huge sympathy to you, Rubarb.

that is some fantastic advice you have there from speedy.

Just wanted to say a quick hello to rubarb! No need to change your name, I think most people would see the difference - the obvious one being that you are male and I am female!

My advice for you would be to go and see your CAB. One-sided love can never work out I'm afraid and the more she sticks around the longer and harder it will be for you to get over her.

Is she really what you want? Even if she gave it another go, could you be with her knowing that you were second best? You deserve more than this surely! And so do your children, because they are not stupid and will realise that mummy and daddy no longer love each other. You owe to them to show them what a loving relationship is like.

If you spend a lot of time looking after your kids I doubt she would want that to change. Whose name is the house in? As she had the affair I would be pushing for her to move out - see the CAB and find out what your rights are.

Meanwhile call your friends, even the ones you've not spoken to for years. Organise a lads night out and start surrounding yourself with people who actually do care about you, because this girl doesn't give a jot about your feelings.

Get advice from CAB and a solicitor re house, money, access. You have rights and options and should exercise them. You wife is using you to keep house and do your share of the childcare until something better comes along. Her behaviour is incredibly selfish and cruel.

Hello, I'm back. Thanks for the kind words of support an advice.

Firstly, apologies to Rhubarb. I'm told you are a regular and I have been advised to change my nickname as it may confuse readers. I'll change it after this thread.

So, to answer the questions asked:

"Is she going to carry on with other lovers?" - She has said that she has no intention to seek any (she's still pining for OM). However, she also said that if she ever had such feelings for someone else in the future she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't act on them.

"...do you have male and female friends in RL who you can confide in?" - I have told three good friends now and they have been supportive. I am also seeing a counselor who has been a great help.

"...Picture yourself in this domestic set-up which your wife has suggested, in 1, 5, 10 years' time or more - what do you see? How does it affect you? Is it a picture that you want to become a reality?" - I have pictured it and I don't like what I see; I don't feel I will be able to attain happiness. I believe my unhappiness would affect the kids and I don't want that. I also hope that one day I will be really loved by somebody - I don't feel living with my ex will be conducive to this happening.

We have discussed the possibility of her moving out. Although she wasn't being confrontational, she did say that she didn't want to move out and that neither me nor anyone else was in a position to force her to. She has also said that she wants us to live together and that it would be my choice to leave if I felt I couldn't cope with such an arrangement. This make me feel guilty as the one left contemplating the break up of our family.

I do feel she still wants something from me; not just practical, but also emotional support. The loss of OM is her main preoccupation at the moment - naturally I don't feel like supporting her over that.

I have taken note of the suggestions to get some advice regarding my position and my rights. Thanks again.

Hi Rubarb. What a horrible situation. I agree with the other posters that it sounds like your relationship is basically over and you need to move on for your sake.

However, I don't agree with the "she had an affair she should move out" opinion. Who is the primary child carer? If it is you then she should go. If it is her, then you should move out.

Do what is best for all of you over all and make the break but don't punish the children for your DW's horrible behaviour.

Good luck

FWIW she sounds like a parasite wanting all the benefits of a relationship but without giving anything to you. You don't need her.

So, she doesn't want you as a partner. But she doesn't want to be on her own with the responsibilities that would incur, assuming she would have the dcs living with her.

She wants you around and expects you to accept a platonic relationship.

You up for that and all it would entail?

Rubarb, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Don't be scared to tell us about the emotions you are feeling about such a devastating situation - it is so horrible. If she is the primary carer, you are potentially looking at a double loss, because you will lose daily contact with your children through no fault of your own.

Your wife is being unbelievably cruel and like others, I would tell her that you cannot live with her any longer - and end the marriage.

Is there any way you could buy her out of your house? This would give the children the normality of the family home during a distressing time in their lives. Then, could you agree a shared parenting arrangement whereby they stay with you for half the week and her the other half? This works very well for some friends of ours and it has meant that the betrayed H didn't lose everything.

Do consult a solicitor about your financial situation and also parenting arrangements - this will give you strength in the coming weeks.

What ever you do, please don't agree to her request to live like this. She is being appallingly selfish and you need to take control and tell her that you will not do this.

christ, you're reasonable.

she is of course being an utter shitbag and you must face the fact that you can't live with her now that everything's been exposed.

you sound like you're under her spell a bit.

i have the feeling that once you get tough she'll start finding you attractive again... i know the type. manipulative.

don't be scared to do what you need to do, it'll be worth it in the end.

Thanks for posting, Rubarb. I'm sorry for what you're going through. This must be a real smack in the face. Hope you have good friends, and are making the effort to take care of yourself.

I realise the thrust of your thread has been about the home & children. Naturally so: home & family are the foundations of a marriage, so if the love has gone these are the issues we look towards. Forgive me if I've missed the info in your posts above, but who is the primary carer?

As much as one would wish to keep the family as intact as possible, it simply isn't going to be feasible to maintain the status quo. Please avoid using the children as a battleground with your wife, however angry you might be.

Going to Relate by yourself can be very useful in terms of clarifying your ideas & feelings. Good luck.

"Who is the primary child carer? If it is you then she should go. If it is her, then you should move out."

LazyJourno, you have hit on something I've meant to mention before. I think your hypothesis is the one the law would tend towards - not that either of us want this to get anywhere near a court.

So who is the primary child carer?

I go to work in the day and she looks after the DCs whilst I'm away (DD is at school and DS at nursery a couple of mornings). The rest of the time I do it. When I get home I do dinner bath and bed time and all the getting up in the middle of the night. I've always done the vast majority of the domestic chores and DIY etc, in the evenings when the kids have gone to bed or at weekends if I can steal a few moments. I'm used to late nights and early mornings. Meanwhile she tends to sleep, watch TV, goes out with friends or goes off to fuck OM. She's made a bit more effort since the affair ended; this has freed up some personal time for me which I didn't have before, but I feel it's a bit late and it's guilt driven.

I was diagnosed with stress a few months ago - my work is really shit too.

I would be happy to work part time and look after the kids the rest of the time if she was willing to fill in with some part time work. She has always struggled with looking after the kids in a way that I haven't.

In answer to your question however, I suspect she is the primary carer.

What do you mean by 'diagnosed with stress'?

I'm not under her spell by the way. If it wasn't for the kids I'd have thrown her out by now.

What ever she has done to me, the kids still need their mum. Also, I don't want to take the kids from her any more than I want her to take them from me.