DW's affair - what next?

[Rubarb]

I have been with my DW for 11 years and have two kids.

DW recently told me she'd been having an affair. I had absolutely no idea. It came out because she was so gutted when she got dumped. She was completely besotted with her OM for several years before the affair happend and has been really struggling since it ended. She told me that I was caring and supportive but she was never really attracted to me and always know deep down that relationship wasn't really right. She now wants a platonic relationship.

DW has not been the easiest to be with but I always thought she was worth it. Our sex life has been diabolical in recent years but I had put this down to the depression she was going through. I now look back and see so many signs that our relationship had problems right from the early days and I feel a right fool for being oblivious to them.

I am angry inside but still in love with her nevertheless. She wants us to remain living in the same house. I want to want this too but I am worried I will struggle to get over her and become continually sad. I am conscious it is customary that the dad is the one to move out when there has been an affair, but I love my kids so much and spend a lot of time looking after them; I don't want to leave and live apart from them.

I feel trapped and afraid.

She has fucked someone else, been supported by you, had an easy life with you doing everything and is still calling the shots.

She needs to go, you need to get yourself some time off work to be with the kids and see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

When she dropped her knickers she lost all rights to dictate what she wants.

Rubarb, what everyone's telling you is spot on. Your wife is still trying to control you - and how she is perceived by the outside world.

She is not living with her choices - and unfortunately if this carries on, you are enabling her failure to take any responsibility for her actions. Please don't be complicit in this - in the long run you aren't actually doing her any favours in terms of what she learns from this experience and she will continue to damage both herself, others and even your children.

Like all infidels, she needs to look inwards and do some work on herself. Was her OM married himself, or in a relationship? It does make a difference in terms of her character if she was prepared to inflict hurt on not only her own spouse, but another woman and possibly children, as well. And of course, the OM would fall into the same category.

The excellent advice about changing the way you respond to her would be well worth taking. Don't feel bullied into responding straight away - go away and think about it.

Rubarb, after all this, are you emotionally ready to give up on this woman? You have heard from many of us that shared parenting can work very well indeed and the practical obstacles you envisaged are easier to overcome than perhaps you first thought. Perhaps work out what's really stopping you - if you do have residual feelings for her (quite different from the pain you must be in) then it's healthier to acknowledge these and deal with the grief associated with letting her go.

I think what you need to remember here is that you need to do what is right for you - you need to protect yourself and keep yourself sane. Your children need that more than anything.

Your wife is being extremely devicive, she has made a choice to walk away from her family by betraying you and her children and then is effectively forcing you to split the family because she knows she holds all the cards re. primary carer etc and keeping the house.

You sound like a good man who has been a good dad and taken over child care in the evenings even though you have been working all day... that's actually a big ask and clearly you have done it willingly. Your wife is trying to wrestle the absolute best deal for herself, not for your children but just for her.

My concern is that now she has crossed the line, and if she manages to manipulate you into living in this arrangement she will just do it again. And what happens next time if she isn't dumped by her lover. What if that lover can provide financially for her, do you really think she wouldn't walk away and take the children with her?

If you lay down and take this you are opening yourself up to further abuse. If you were a woman i would tell you that i thought you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who puts your children last on the list of priorites. I think you too are in this situation but it is better to do something now and make a firm arrangement re. shared residence because if she finds herself in another situation in the future with a lover who can support her, frankly you are fucked and wrestling back that situation, when she doesn't need your help will be difficult to say the least. You will find yourself out in the cold - citing in court that she has had an affair will have nothing to do with it. Whilst she is being reasonable - sort out housing and arrangements and get it sorted politely through the courts because if you wait until she meets someone else this will be impossible if she decides to make it so. Please do not trust her to do the right thing, because she sounds to me that this would only happen by default and if it served her purpose.

Remember in the courts shared residence can only be entered into if it is an agreed state by both parties - capitalise on your current situation and make sure you have this. I would offer to have dcs overnight and as often as you can and make sure its all written down so she cannot change things and fuck you over. This will give her the support she feels she needs and enables you to carry on pretty much as normal with your children. She will be able to go out and meet people and have a life and she will feel that this is a great deal for her. Look as cooperative as you can as you need to do a bit of manipluation of your own to get the right result for the dcs.

Most of all, i am really sorry for this situation for you all. It is going to be very painful and difficult for a while but as someone else says things could look very different in a year or so.

Please do take some legal advice.

WHile there are many and much worse things people can do than want to have sex with someone other than their designated partner, I do think your wife is being very selfish, OP. And I don;t like the sound of her thinking that she can just announce her version of what has happened to everyone else and have you play along with it. Her apparent feeling that you are a mug who will roll over for anything she says and your apparent inability to consider your own wellbeing at all are an unhealthy combination.
Yes, you can negotiate an amicable-ish separation, but for it to work it has to be general knowledge that your couple-relationship didn't work because your DW didn't want it to, that she had someone else (this can be put diplomatically to others eg she 'fell in love' but it has to be acknowledged to at least close family) nd that the two of you are now going to put the DC first and remain on good terms. If she values other people's opinion of her, she will try to live up to the idea of putting the DCs first and remaining fair and amicable.

Hi there, if anyone remembers me, I just wanted to say thanks and let you know what happened to me.

My ex and I agreed to separate after some relationship counseling. We were able to come to a mutually agreeable arrangement whereby the DCs stay with each of us for about 50% of the time.

I have recently moved into my own place (and she into hers) and at last I have broadband again. We live a short walk from each other.

Although there were some tears at first, both the DCs have adapted surprisingly well so far. Things between me my ex are amicable and we are all finding our way with the new routine.

Some friends have been very supportive and some have been confounding - I've had pleasant surprises and disappointments both ways.

The OM is long gone and appears unlikely to be making a return.

So, I'm getting used to my new life. I not happy and I feel quite lonely at times but I am ok.

Thanks again everyone.

Hi Rubarb

Good to hear from you. It sounds as though things have progressed as 'positively' as possible. Not an easy situation - I feel for you, but glad that you are amicable and both getting a good amount of time with the kids.

I split with my X 6 years ago, and we have maintained good co-parents and friends, despite a small amount of infidelity on her part - not to be compared with your situation.

Just to say that, although it is far too common to see angry x's battling it out and hating each other - there are rare situations where people choose to be decent towards each other, and honour what was once present between them - not just for the sake of the kids.

Good luck in what I hope will be your new adventure.

Hi Rubarb, I do remember you

It is kinda sad how things turned out of course, but I am glad that you were able to work things out

good luck x

Rubarb - I fall into the same group as you and papaelsie, ie "decent towards each other, and honour what was once present between them - not just for the sake of the kids." I wonder if it is so uncommon, or simply not broadcast so often.

For me, to have forged, and maintained, an amicable, yet very different, relationship with exP and routine for DC has felt rather liberating; falling into a pattern of continuing to point score and rehashing the past is exhausting.

As separation appears to have been the agreed path, I think this is a positive outcome. The reaction of some friends is immaterial.

I've found it very heartening to read this thread and to see that things can be resolved reasonably.

My H and I told our 14 year old daughter yesterday that we will be separating. We did it together and have agreed that we will be as amicable and reasonable as possible. Our amazing daughter knows that she is loved equally by both of us and that she can ask either of us anything she wants any time and we will be honest with her.

My H and I have agreed that any rockiness and uncomfortable discussions about money will be kept away from her. I know there are tough times ahead and this is not a road I wanted to go down but I firmly believe that we can both be adult about it approach this without bitterness.

I find your update very reassuring that it can happen. Thank you.

shoormal...all the best to you too, at a very sad time and good for you both in keeping things as amicable as possible