My dad's and much younger woman

[mebythesea]

Hi

I am posting about my dad who I am really worried about. He is in his late 60's and hasnt been in a serious relationship for many years. A few yrs ago he had a fling with a woman he met on a dating website, at the time she had two toddlers both by different men she had met on-line.

I recently found out he has started seeing her again and she now has 4 kids all by different men she met online! None of these men are 'on the scene' and she lives in fairly impoverished conditions.

This woman is over thirty years his juniour and by what I can see very irresponsible and a dangerous person to be involved with.
Now I'm all for him getting out there and meeting people, having fun, but this woman seems like trouble to me and I'm really worried that dad is going to end up getting her pregnant too. And he isnt one to shirk his responsibility so could potentially end up having to support this woman and possibly 5 kids!

On top of this he has just had a big windfall and is also due to retire next year with a huge pension, so will be fairly well off, and so a possible target for someone wanting a 'sugar daddy'.

I have tried to voice my concerns to him but he got embarrised and wouldnt talk about it.

Am i right to have concerns or should i just let him live his life?

Any one out there with any ideas?!

Woops that should read 'My Dad's much younger woman'

You don't really have any choice, I'm afraid.

He's an adult.

All you can do is be there for him if and when it all goes tits up.

I understand your concerns, though.

maybe he is ok with being a sugar daddy??. without being cruel, try and make him accpet that except for very rare exceptions (extraordinarily well preserved film stars, charismatic politicians or whatever) women don't usually feel attracted to or romantic about men 30 years their senior. I think this is contrary to what a lot of men believe. Because of the media and film industry and 25 year old presenters sitting next to 65 year old male presenters, I think a lot of men don't actually fully get that.... sounds so harsh when i see it typed before me, but I believe that it's true. apologies to anybody who is going to tell me "my husband is 30 years older than me and we love each other blah blah"

I would say this to my Dad if he every deluded himself enough to believe that a woman of 37 was genuinely attracted to him.

there is no fool like an old fool...

that is the second time I have typed that old cliche on MN tonight

OP, not sure there is much you can do about it, but it doesn't mean you have to like it

I'd play dirty if it were me, warn her off, tell her he has a degenerating disease and will need full time nursing within 10 years? Alzheimers?
You could always deny it if she tells him.

I'd be doing everything I could to protect my kids' inheritance.

And yes, I'm serious.

good lord, mal, am not sure I could interfere to that extent

what if he found out you had been lying so blatantly ? He would never forgive you..

the silly old sod has to make his own mistakes, I am afraid, he is a grown man (albeit thinking with his dick)

his money is not your kid's inheritance until he is dead, fgs

whether he spends it on some floozy before he is dead is up to him

You're right AF! My dad did similar. Well split up with my stepmother to marry a chinese child bride. She has a UK passport now and shed loads in ISAs. She moved in, set up her own life and left my dad to get on with it. It did not go well.

My dad is now a semi-invalid (dry)alcoholic with no friends. He used to be a company director who had dinner parties and 3 hols a year. He is 61. It is absolutely tragic, but he STILL loves her and won't hear a word said against her.

I won't see any inheritance either. I don't give a stuff about that, but it kills me to see him - prematurely old and miserable, whilst she swans about the planet on her OWN having a whale of time of the back of his 40 odd years of hard work.

sickening, porto, you must respect your dad a lot less for letting himself be made such a fool of

but out of your control...

and he is still your dad, yes ?

Portofino, how gutting for you to have had to whitness your dads situ

I do agree with MaggieTaSeFuar that men, especially my old dad, just cant handle being a bit 'past it' he still point blank refuses to go out with any one over 40 as he considers them to be 'past it'! seriously deluded as to what women see when they look at him!

And as you say the media doesnt help the poor old sods!

part of me does want to warn her off, i really feel that she is just going to make a whole lot of trouble for all of the family.

I mean she must be fairly unhinged to have 4 kids in quick succession by 4 different men. no?

just spoke to my sister, she told me he has bought the woman a car!

I am getting worried now.

I feel like i should go see him to check things out - but he lives 200 miles away, it's a bit of a marathon to get away with the dd's, dog, ducks, chickens, dh to organise.

a bloody car!

he wouldnt even buy me a driving lesson when i was 18 let alone a flipping car!

Do, warn her off!!! Also, start a thread 'attention are you 31, could you would you have you ever fancied a 61 year old who was not in the public eye. Then send it to him

I'd be a real stella maccartney if my dad ever went down this path.

It is true that there is no fool like an old fool, whether you are male or female.

Take my uncle. A lawyer in his late sixties with his own practice. Divorced. He bought a woman he met online a house. In Australia. He bought another house for another woman he met online in Cyprus. He has bought a holiday home and a car for his Current girlfriend, who is a priest on early retirement. On the side, he has an estonian woman. For Christmas, he spends the first half with the estonian woman, and then for the new year, the priest comes. The priest is almighty jealous. But they have been with eachother on and off for 10 years, and she has put up with woman after woman on the side. But I guess, she accepts it, as she has a holiday home and a car, and is in her late sixties herself, so .....

I would interfere. I would ask him to be careful with his assets.

Ask him if he really favours a young gold digger before his own family, and if he does, then he will be all alone when the gold digger has eaten up his assets. It is his choice. Tell him to use the same sense as he would in business, because that is what he is to her. She will be applying her business brain, not a romantic heart, and he should do the same.

I'd have a strong conversation with him and say "look, if you have feelings for her , fine, but if you want to be sure she's into you, tell her all your assets, house etc. are written in trust for your family and cannot be accessed" - if she likes him, it won't be a problem for her, if she's in it for the money, she'll be off like a shot.
I'd also be asking him if he fancies being a father of 5 at his age.

My 67 year old FIL can just about handle picking my 2 nephews up from school and having them for a couple of hours a couple of times a fortnight.

Malifence, I have to ask what feelings you have for your parents, as your attitude is very much I do not care about your personal happiness as long as my inheritance is intact - surely if you like them, it won't be a problem but if you are not going to get anything, you will be off like a shot.

I think Malificence is eminently sensible.

There is a difference between an old man finding happiness with somebody who loves him, and a gold digger who not only makes a fool of an old man, but strips the entire family of its assets. Nobody in their right mind would let that happen. If they do, then they are not only naive, but great cowards too.

What do you DO though? We told mine we thought it was crazy. I didn't actually mind my new stepmother initially. She always worked, she tried to get my dad to do things with her. Trouble is they weren't his kind of things. He took refuge in the bottle.

It turned out subsequently that she never paid a penny for anything. They have a joint mortgage but he paid for this, all the bills, food etc. Anything she earnt she kept. I didn't realise this until he was made "redundant" at 59. He is now on incapacity benefit and STILL pays the bills out of what is left of his savings. The mortgage had a bit less than a year to go and he had capital to clear it but he extended it so he still has some cash.

I went mad when I discovered this. Told him it was totally unacceptable. That she MUST start to cough up, that he should go the CAB and take advice, maybe think of selling up and buying a smaller house. In her "culture" that is "wrong" though apparently ffs. (I thought things were more egalitarian in China myself) She expects him to support her - even though he is now on benefits. I honestly believe that when the money runs out she will clear off. Sad it is.

AF, Yes he is still my dad, and I love him. Classic case of middle aged man being led astray by his willy. I guess I never lost respect for him for that on it's own, but it enfuriates me that he is still so passive about the situation. I can only assume he worries about her leaving.

Maybe the OP could mention this story to her dad. But at the end of the day growns ups get to make their own choices....

I don't think there is anything you can do. Human beings have a right to screw up their own lives if they want to, and just because you are his child doesn't mean you are entitled to make him put his assets aside for you rather than spend them. If you interfere and demonize the woman, your dad may decide to cut contact with you, which would be a great shame.

If you think you are going to lose him to her anyway, I'd go down fighting.

I speak from very bitter personal experience, my father didn't go the younger woman route but he did marry a nasty manipulative bitch who took him away from his family, her family became his primary concern and I lost out to the tune of about £150k 15 years ago when he died, her family got everything, she died before him and the new will he made mysteriously vanished because her daughter got to his flat first when he died, she'd even taken the wallet from his dead body.
I grew up without my father from the age of 11, she managed to convince him that I wasn't really his responsibility because I was adopted, of course he was jointly responsible but she was such a dominant figure that he just went along with anything she wanted for a quiet life.

My father had two relationships like this after he was widowed. The first gf had a parting gift of about 8k and he spent about 30k on holidays, dining out and just fripperies during their 18m together, nothing to show for it but some expensive clothes and a good time. She has since been a companion to a succession of elderly rich ladies and has had a few other recently widowed boyfriends. He married the 2nd but her aim was a UK passport and a better life for her child so bleeding him dry was never her aim and they were companionable together.

However, although not happy about him frittering away money that morally belonged to my brother and I (a whole separate story) I'm not blind to the fact that father was getting something from it too, namely a younger woman.

In your shoes I would tell your father he should not have to pay a woman to be interested in him, it does not reflect well on him or her. Do voice your concerns and the family too, even suggest what Mal has, but then you have to step back and let him make his own mistakes.

A friend had a similar scenario to the OP a couple of years ago.
His mum died after battling breast cancer for a few years, his dad met another woman very quickly, she had no house or assets of her own and a large (grown up) family - our friend and his sister were obviously quite concerned, they knew that ther mum wanted them to inherit the house etc.
In the end they all got together and talked and it turned out she was a lovely woman who instigated their father giving them their inheritance now , she said it wasn't fair or right that her family would benefit at all from what he and their mum had built together. It could easily gone the other way, their dad initially told them that if they didn't accept his new partner, he would choose her over his family.

People who have worked all their lives have the right to spend their money in any way they like...even if it is on stupidly chasing young women

I don't expect any money from my parents, I genuinely don't want it. If I did get some, of course I would be pleased.

Potentially alienating a parent because you disapprove of how they spend their money (that you think is rightfully yours) is horrid, mercenary and tbh, some of you ladies don't paint yourselves in any better light than the grasping OW on this thread.

hmmm... lots to think about, i'm not that fussed about the inheritance, we are doing ok, any inheritance would be a bonus, but i just doint want to see him high and dry. or staggering around with a bunch of kids he cant coap with.
This woman leads such a chaotic life that right now he probably feels heroic getting her sorted out, helping her, but i'm sure that in a while her chaotic nature will begin to wear him down and it wont be all that fun any more.

precisely mebythesea, but he is a grown man...he has to work that out for himself

I am not saying you shouldn't try to advise and guide him...but ultimately, his silly mistakes are his own

he will feel very embarassed one day when he wakes up from this penis-driven romantic dream

AF, it's not being grasping when a parent is widowed and the deceased spouse had specified that that it is their wish that the house etc. will go to the children.

If he wants to spend all his cash that's one thing, the house is entirely different.

You can just see how this is going to end - she will have his baby / or someone else's and pretend, bleed him dry and end up with the family house.

Would you really stand by and watch that happen without intervention?

If I'd have got my rightful inheritance 15 years ago, our lives would have been significantly easier.

If you've never had the sickening experience that was sitting at the reading of a will and watching her gloating relatives get everything, you can't understand - I only wanted my fair share, if that makes me horrid and mercenary fine. I would have seen it as restitution for being abandoned by him.