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Original poster

My dad's and much younger woman

63 replies

mebythesea · 04/02/2010 20:16

Hi

I am posting about my dad who I am really worried about. He is in his late 60's and hasnt been in a serious relationship for many years. A few yrs ago he had a fling with a woman he met on a dating website, at the time she had two toddlers both by different men she had met on-line.

I recently found out he has started seeing her again and she now has 4 kids all by different men she met online! None of these men are 'on the scene' and she lives in fairly impoverished conditions.

This woman is over thirty years his juniour and by what I can see very irresponsible and a dangerous person to be involved with.
Now I'm all for him getting out there and meeting people, having fun, but this woman seems like trouble to me and I'm really worried that dad is going to end up getting her pregnant too. And he isnt one to shirk his responsibility so could potentially end up having to support this woman and possibly 5 kids!

On top of this he has just had a big windfall and is also due to retire next year with a huge pension, so will be fairly well off, and so a possible target for someone wanting a 'sugar daddy'.

I have tried to voice my concerns to him but he got embarrised and wouldnt talk about it.

Am i right to have concerns or should i just let him live his life?

Any one out there with any ideas?!

OP posts:
Miggsie · 05/02/2010 13:07

How dreadful for you.
My friend had a father remarry late in life, then died intestate and she took the money for herself and her own children, while the natural daughters were "allowed" to have about 1% of the assets. Obviously they never saw the stepmother again.

All you can really do is talk through it with your dad. Most men would be better off with middle aged widow ladies, but nearly always seem to take up with young girls whose motivation is well, suspect.

You cannot stop him spending money on her, but perhaps you can ask what his intentions are, will he take on the kids, should you invite her for tea and get to know her etc etc.

It would be dreaful if she hung around while the moeny was flowing but disappeared when he got old/infirm and needed support and left the natural children to pick up the pieces.

All you can do is have a heart to heart with your dad but the chances of him ditching her are very small.

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:12

i agree that it is his own life and he must lead it as he will but i'm sure he could find a younger woman witout so many appendages and sucha track record.And i'm not so sure its all 'penis driven' i think he is some how hankering for the lost years of our childhood, trying to revisit that time. Maybe him having a child with someone would be ok, i just dont think this particular woman is a wise choice. for one thing he will be having to deal with the emotional fall out to do with all the other fathers who arent there and one has to ask why arent they there?

OP posts:
Miggsie · 05/02/2010 13:15

Invite her and her children and your dad round for a nice tea?
Perhaps the horror of all the kids might make him think twice?

If she is spending a lot of time with your dad she may be neglecting the kids, or she may be a great mum, you never know.

morningpaper · 05/02/2010 13:18

Any old chap in his late sixties who gets the chance to be penis-driven, then fair enough I say

I have friends who have just got married - both over 60, him much older - and his children were VERY annoyed that he started lavishing diamonds etc. on her. They are HAPPY!

Just let him live his life

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:19

yes miggsie i agree that a nice widow would be a better choice but as i said he seems to view women over 40 as past it!

i have met her and she is nice enough, but i'm sure a father figure is what she's looking for.

some women never take responsibility for their lives, almost handing themselvs over to life and saying 'do what you will i'm not in controll' and she seems like this kind of woman. drifting into things without thinking through the concequences. or not caring about the concequences for the children she brings into the world or the men she gets involved with. i just dont see why my dad is so intent on rescuing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:22

ok morningpaper, i do want him to be happy , i have supported him and helped him to be happy, but this woman is a case, and she's got 4 kids all below the age of 6!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 05/02/2010 13:25

I agree with AF.

My (younger) sister's partner is over twenty years her senior. Several of his children are older than her.

I don't get it, in fact for various reasons I think it's very worrying.

It isn't my place to pass judgement on their choices though!

Similarly, when my mother and father split, I really didn't care who he moved on with, just that he was happy. In the few years prior to his death, he blasted away hundreds of thousands of pounds and died penniless.

It was his money and I hope that he enjoyed it, whatever and whoever he chose to spend it on. It's never crossed my mind to begrudge him his hard earned savings.

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:26

like it miggsie, think you could be onto something, he can hardly coap with my dd's rioting about let alone a whole housefull!

From what i've seen of her i think she is a good mum. just not that stable.

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 05/02/2010 13:29

...and in the very recent past, I was a single mum to four children, six and under through no fault of my own.
They are a little older now and they don't each have different fathers but don't be so quick to judge.
You don't actually know this woman.

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:35

no i dont know her personally, i have met her on a number of occasions, but i do still think it is a strange life choice to have 4 kids by different men in quick succession. I have many friends who are or have been single parents and i am not judging that. I am also aware that in this day and age we have many different kinds of families, half, step, marriend, umnmarried, it doesnt bother me. it just seems like she is on some mission. i dont know.

OP posts:
MaggieTaSeFuar · 05/02/2010 13:37

come on, who would accept a car from a man 30 years their senior????

i am a single mum of two (same dad) i haven't a pot to piss in. im not fighting off the suitors, but no way would i ever seriously think about going out with a man 30 years older than me!!

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 13:39

maybe a woman who doesnt have a car?

by the way he also paid for her driving lessons last time they were dating.

OP posts:
Portofino · 05/02/2010 13:47

Presumably you have higher moral standards Maggie . Sadly that can't be said for all. I know in my dad's case the "shagging" bit stopped, ooh around the time the DW's British passport arrived in the post. Well I assume it did as that was when she moved into the spare room....I haven't actually discussed this with my dad...

QuintessentiallyWondering · 05/02/2010 15:01

Anyfucker says "he will feel very embarassed one day when he wakes up from this penis-driven romantic dream "

Yes indeed, and therefore this is what any caring relative with sense should help him see, before he causes hardship both to himself and others.

MaggieTaSeFuar · 05/02/2010 15:17

if he sees any woman over 40 as past it, is he really able to 100% believe that a woman 30 years younger than him doesn't see him as past it, just a meal ticket to use.

Questions to make him ask himself......

Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 16:55

yeh i have thought the same thing MaggieTaSeFuar. But he must have his alfamale goggles on because he really does think he's the bizness when it comes to 'what women want'.

however for some reason he just doesnt get it when they dont live up to his ideals... what ever that may be i really dont know.

he's been a rather difficutl dad to have over the years with one thing and another, especially his attitude to women, that we need rescuing, that we arebacically men's playthings, and that includes his daughters.

Am also a bit 'put out' by his 40 bench mark for attractivness, as i am nearing that age myself! and really its a bit insensitive for him to spout those attitudes when in my company!

OP posts:
Original poster
mebythesea · 05/02/2010 16:56

sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Portofino · 05/02/2010 16:59

Quint - though it is hard to this without driving a wedge. My dad hangs up the phone if I get too carried away with telling him what to do. I have no doubt I could take it too far.

Agree at this stage, a firm chat pointing out a few warnings and concerns would be a good idea - without any mention of the inheritance! He should be aware that it not usual for young women to fancy much older men without money be involved and that he needs to ask himself seriously what is in it for BOTH parties....

Bobbiewickham · 05/02/2010 17:05

Oh dear.

This man his an adult.

His money is his to do what he likes with.

He'll make his own mistakes.

If he gets hurt, then he gets hurt.

Would all of you who are calling for intervention take kindly to someone poking their noses into your business - particularly if they were doing it because they were worried they weren't going to get their fair share of your cash?

Nothing would make me more likely to move to Shanghai and spend all my money on prostitutes and opium, tbh.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2010 17:35

ahh, bobbie, a like mind...

MaggieTaSeFuar · 05/02/2010 18:05

i don't blame you mebythesea!! there's something a bit hard to process when a man considers women his DAUGHTER's age too old for him!! And then tells his daughter that!

Have a go at penetrating his forcefield of denial. you can only try.

MaggieTaSeFuar · 05/02/2010 18:09

bobbi, there are things i might have done along the way but i knew it would upset my parents. plenty of things tbh. I have on occasion thought, what would they make of this? and sometimes, it does give you a wake up call another perspective. Rein your more impetuous impulses in a bit.

if my dad thought that my friends were 'too old' for him, I'd think he needed a wake-up call. Thankfully though, and this thread does make me thankful, my dad is a beta male, quite happy doing crosswords.

JeremyVile · 05/02/2010 18:47

Surely all these relationships are mutually exploitative?

These men know very well what the deal is, its a well trodden path, they dont happen upon these women by chance.

Its a trade-off. On both sides.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2010 19:01

that is very true, jv

these old blokes are obviously getting summat out of it

I wonder what that could be

madamim · 05/02/2010 19:42

my dad is 52 and he is going out with a woman who is 23.I am 25, he came to me a few weeks ago and for some reason he has decided to inform me that everything, and I mean everything family jewelery my dads signut ring, the house, any monies will go to her.

The money I dont care about would prefer it if he spent it all while he's alive, what's getting under my skin is that she gets everything else, he has things that are my grandmothers, my families things and she gets them, my dd will have nothing from her grandfather.

Also he's always said that the house when he's gone will always be mine and my brothers for if we ever needed somewhere to live, we all had come to an agreement that unless my dad wanted to sell for whatever reason, the house would be rented out, unless one of us needed somewhere to live and was never tobe sold by me and my brother, the house was to stay in the family.

It makes my skin crawl though to think of him with someone who is younger than me, if she was mature in attitude then yeah could understand it, but she's not.I've tried ever soo hard to involve her and am always nice to her, christ she's sitting at the head table at my wedding, yet she is rude to me, ignores me at the school, our dd's go to different schools but are next to each other, and I see her everyday.I'm trying to keep a lid on my feelings about the situation but I'm starting to feel like I'm going to explode.Hence the very long post.

Sorry for the rant!