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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when unfaithful H won't leave?

64 replies

sadjane · 03/02/2010 22:19

I've been following Maggie's thread for a while. Am in a similar situation. H having an affair, has completely emotionally cut off from me and won't talk about it, instead preferring to pretend that living parallel lives in the same house is fine whilst seeing OW on a regular basis. He genuinely seems OK with the situation, its me who is suffering listening to his phone calls with the OW, seeing messages between them about how much they are in love or want to be making love to each other....it really hurts
I have on more than one occasion asked him to leave, if only for a little while so we can both have some space and he can have a chance to decide what it is he wants as we have the same old scenario where he says he doesn't know. I have even packed him a bag. But each time he says there's no reason for him to go and I can't make him so he's staying put.
I would have gone myself by now if it weren't for the fact that the house is also my business premises, so if I left I can't work, and also I think our young DCs need the stability of staying here. We have a joint mortgage so he's as legally entitled to be here as I am.
I love him so much and live in hope that he will see the error of his ways but right now I can't see any way forward that doesn't involve us spending some time apart. I don't know how I can get us out of this stalemate and preserve my already ruined self-esteem.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:24

see a solicitor tomorrow

start divorce proceedings, pronto

why are you putting up with this cruellest form of abuse ?

christ, this man is a monster

you might have to sell the house, but it has to be better than this and you would be taken care of financially

take him to the fucking cleaners...please get angry...how dare he do this to you

Malificence · 03/02/2010 22:28

What AF said.

What a vile, vile man.

mitfordsisters · 03/02/2010 22:29

So sorry you are going through this . I agree with Anyfucker that you probably need to play hardball now - he wants it all ways and it is just devestating you. Please call a solicitor and let your friends and family know what's going on so they can support you. Be strong.

Fruitysunshine · 03/02/2010 22:30

He knows you still want him which is why he is having his cake and eating it. Heis being horribly cruel and so disrespectful.

As above. Get angry and get legal advice.

sb6699 · 03/02/2010 22:41

Have you looked into an Occupation Order?

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:44

Tell all your mutual friends and family.

His sordid romance with fancy-woman won't seem so idyllic when he has to face the derision he is bound to get.

What a fucker.

Are the DC's witness to this billing and coo-ing like a pair of lovesick teenagers ?

Abusive. Unacceptable on so many levels.

Get tough and please do not continue to be a doormat.

One affair may not necessarily need to be a marriage-wrecker, but his present behaviour is.

I truly hope you are not holding out for him to come to his senses. He has already dismissed you.

Now start the balls in motion to get him out of your life so that you can move on. It may take a while, but my God, your self-esteem will thank you for it !

Do it first thing tomorrow.

After you have taken copies of all financial information and cleared any bank accounts that belong to you, or are vulnerable because of your business.

He will play dirty (possibly under OW's direction), and I suggest you prepare yourself for that. He is not the man you married, so don't expect him to be.

All the best,and I am so sorry he is putting you throught this. Sometimes castration isn't a tough enough punishment.{angry]

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:45
Angry
sb6699 · 03/02/2010 22:47

As AF said, you need to copies of any financial documents - bank statements, ISA's, Bonds, business accounts, etc, etc.

Molesworth · 03/02/2010 22:47

Agree with everything AnyFucker says. Heed her advice.

WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 22:48

"he says there's no reason for him to go"

Oh, yeah? There is: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

It's not up to him. Infidelity is grounds for divorce even if he doesn't want it.

And why doesn't he? what kind of hypocrite blathers on to OW about love and sex and crap like that and doesn't want to make it a reality?

He is two-faced as well as two-timing.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:49

thanks, sb for filling in that list

my mind went blank for a moment

it might have been something to do with the red mist that descended for a moment...

WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 22:52

Or is he hoping you will leave, and he can move OW in?

She sounds pretty culpable, too. I would be ashamed to talk dirty with a married man, when his wife might overhear.

If she is not culpable, then you can wait until your divorce is final, then get someone to talk to her and point out how distressed you were by his behaviour, and that he made no move out to be with her (OW). Hopefully, she will be appalled enough by his behaviour to kick him out, too!

AnyFucker · 03/02/2010 22:54

I hate this man

On that note, I am off to bed

I hope you are ok, OP

sb6699 · 03/02/2010 22:58

Somehow, I think we all sensed the red mist that was descending around you AF

Seriously, you need legal advice NOW.

If you want him out, it doesnt matter if it is a joint mortgage - mothers with children are generally granted occupation of the marital home. If he doesnt leave, then that's what the Occupation Order is for.

Please dont let him belittle you like this - you and your dc's deserve better.

Original poster
sadjane · 03/02/2010 22:59

I realise I must seem really weak but it just seems a bit rash to start divorce proceedings so quickly against someone I have been happy with for such a long time. I feel I should be making more effort as he is the DCs dad even if he is currently not a good husband.
I have seen a solicitor for an initial appointment but it does all seem so scary. I thought an occupation order was only when there's violence involved?
I did mention to H that I was looking into divorce and he just laughed and said I would be totally screwed over if I did it. He has good friends who are solicitors so I'm worried he's right. The solicitor I spoke to seeemed to think that because of the DCs he would be liable for some of the mortgage but his name would get taken off the deeds, do you think this is true or was he just telling me what I wanted to hear?
I wish I could be angry with him but all I seem to feel is sad.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 03/02/2010 23:03

"he just laughed and said I would be totally screwed over if I did it"

What a bastard.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but you really do need to get rid of this man. See your solicitor ASAP, please.

doubleinstructions · 03/02/2010 23:06

What an absolute bully to threaten you.
I would whole heartedly agree with above advice.
He is currently being a crap father aswell.

Hunibee · 03/02/2010 23:13

What a dreadful situation for you.

The only effort you should be making at the moment is to ensure that you take your life back into your own hands by instructing your solicitor.

Please don't live like this. What this man is doing to you NOW, is outrageous. His behaviour is despicable.

Your H has nothing for contempt for you. Please open your eyes and take control of your children's future.

The advice given by others is spot on. Take your life back please.

pithyslicker · 03/02/2010 23:50

Sadjane.

You wouldn't get screwed.

Try www.wikivorce.com You'll find great advice on their forums from people who have been through this and from divorce experts.

WingedVictory · 04/02/2010 00:00

Just because he said you would be screwed, can he be believed? He has a strong reason to lie: intimidating you into shutting up and letting him do as he likes. He would say this, wouldn't he? But think about it: is it reasonable?

You can find out quite easily, by consulting your own solicitor. (for God's sake, don't listen to his)

I hope you don't feel patronised. However, some very terrible things can become "normalised", so people on this thread are just trying to show you how to react as a person from the outside world.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/02/2010 00:01

Solicitors don't really tell people/potential clients what they want to hear, if it's not true. Abusive husbands, however, pretty much always threaten that tehy'll get all the money/custody/screw you over.

It is not "rash" to start divorce proceedings against an abusive bully who is flaunting his affair under your nose deliberately and threatening you. It is, in fact, the only option.

GypsyMoth · 04/02/2010 00:11

I wouldn't be letting this other woman get off lightly either!! She must know he has a wife AND kids.

What do you know sbout her......I'd be making life a little uncomfortable for her too!

WingedVictory · 04/02/2010 00:14

ILoveTIFFANY, I totally agree emotionally, although I fear it might distract sadjane a bit from what she has to do, and might give the Ex-hole something he would twist into ammunition.

But definitely, after the divorce is done, GET HER!!

dittany · 04/02/2010 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 01:47

sadjane - I don't often say this, but there is no way back from this. Your relationship with this bastard is well and truly over.

I think the point made upthread about abusive behaviour having been normalised by you is spot on. Look at the reaction your thread has caused and yet there's you saying that you think divorce might be a "bit rash".

Bullies like this need a very firm lesson in life. This is why you need to take others into your confidence and let them give you strength and help you do what's right here.

Promise us you will consult your own solicitor tomorrow. Just getting an appointment will do wonders for your tattered self esteem.

Believe us all, what he's telling you is not true. I've got no doubt he'll try to screw you over - but he hasn't got a leg to stand on and he knows it. Get all the evidence you can of his adultery - text messages, E mails etc. and then play dirty. It doesn't matter if you don't end up divorcing on the grounds of adultery - but please resolve to divorce this excuse for a man.

Get him out of the house as soon as possible via an occupation order and follow your solicitor's advice to the letter.

Please do not cling on to any hope of reviving this relationship - your only concern now should be getting away from him, looking after your own mental health and in time, faciltating a co-parenting relationship with him.