What to do when unfaithful H won't leave?

[sadjane]

I've been following Maggie's thread for a while. Am in a similar situation. H having an affair, has completely emotionally cut off from me and won't talk about it, instead preferring to pretend that living parallel lives in the same house is fine whilst seeing OW on a regular basis. He genuinely seems OK with the situation, its me who is suffering listening to his phone calls with the OW, seeing messages between them about how much they are in love or want to be making love to each other....it really hurts
I have on more than one occasion asked him to leave, if only for a little while so we can both have some space and he can have a chance to decide what it is he wants as we have the same old scenario where he says he doesn't know. I have even packed him a bag. But each time he says there's no reason for him to go and I can't make him so he's staying put.
I would have gone myself by now if it weren't for the fact that the house is also my business premises, so if I left I can't work, and also I think our young DCs need the stability of staying here. We have a joint mortgage so he's as legally entitled to be here as I am.
I love him so much and live in hope that he will see the error of his ways but right now I can't see any way forward that doesn't involve us spending some time apart. I don't know how I can get us out of this stalemate and preserve my already ruined self-esteem.

a good father does not humiliate and belittle his chidren's mother in this way

get that stupid cliche out of your head right now

he isn't a good husband "at the moment"

he never will be again, after this demonstration of utter cruelty

he laughs at you...behind your back, in front of you, with OW, in front of the dc

yes, you are being weak, and playing right into his hands...he expects you to roll over (have you always done in the past ?)....now is the time to give him the shock of his sordid fucking life

awful, really, truly awful

I'm not often this blunt and I also suspect that you may not like a lot of what you're reading here but this man is treating you like shit.

I strongly suspect that his OW is also married or in a relationship or he would be out of there and with her. FIND OUT. Get as much info/evidence as you can.

This behaviour is not only damaging for you but also your DC. You are unfairly complicit in teaching your DC that this is somehow normal. If you won't get angry for your own sake please be angry on behalf of your DC.

I'm sure this is not legal but I'd have changed the bloody locks and thrown his stuff into the garden/street. At least put prawns under the seat of his car, woman!

Get yourself to a solicitor - preferably a woman who will be as outraged as you really ought to be.

What right does this pathetic excuse for a man have for treating you like a doormat? I think, perhaps, you are holding onto a romantic dream that has turned into a nightmare.

And, very importantly, just because someone once told you that they loved you it doesn't mean it's still true. It was true in that moment.

Think about this please.

Do you really want a man who disrespects you so much? A man who is getting away with whatever he possibly can get away with, far beyond any reasonable behaviour and humiliating you.

get good legal advice - it is scary and not what you want at all - but then is this sham of a marriage what you want either.

He will get angry as he will lose control which it sounds as if he has had a long time.

It may not be physical abuse but it is mental abuse. Distance yourself from him and promise yourself you will start to forge a life for you now - even if he is still in the background for a while.

Good luck - you will not get screwed if you get a good solicitor.

SADJANE apart from the affair & the 'own business' ...everything you said is what i'm feeling too. My husband's 'affair' is with gambling.But to me the detatchment i feel is the same as if he were with another woman.

he's 'here' but 'not here'....

SadJane: If you are still cooking, laundering and cleaning for this man stop at once. As others have said, see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, you do have rights and he can't treat you like this. Get as much evidence as possible of his adultery, if there are joint accounts then take half of the contents of each one and bank it in your own name before he empties them.
Then, once your divorce proceedings have begun, start dating.
This is not about finding you a new partner, so any man who doesn;t look like a warty toad will do (though I would say, keep it casual with new men and remember that your horrible XH's behaviour is not their fault and they don;t deserve to be 'punished' for it) - try dating agencies etc, leave the brochures lying around. It's about showing your H clearly that you have separated from him and are moving on.

sadjane - please get some legal advice so you will know where you stand on a practical level. He has withdrawn emotionally from you as he has an emotional connection with another woman! It sounds like he has crossed many boundaries of acceptable behaviour in the past with you, and you therefore need some sound legal/practical/financial advice, as well as emotional support to deal with this cruel, abusive behaviour.

sadjane.
Do you know his solicitor friends? If so, make an appointment to see every single one of them, in turn, about your problem.

This will prevent them from acting on behalf of your husband. If they have had an initial consultation with YOU, your husband cant instruct them, it will breach some kind of legal code of conduct.

If they cant talk to you, it means your husband has already briefed them for the same reason as you: legal advice related to divorce.

Your husband is playing a cruel game, and you need to muster the courage to mobilize and beat him at it.

He is a monster, and you need to look out for YOU, because no doubt, your husband can look out for himself. And he will.

what AF said

I am sure you must feel crap and disappointed that things have turned out like this but it isn't your fault the marriage has fallen apart and it is down to your husband to tell the children. You have done nothing wrong but you can make things right for you and your children by filing for divorce and taking the advice of all the wiser posters on this thread.

He is a rubbish husband and a deadbeat dad. Take control.

Good advice from QW on the solicitors too.

This man is torturing you. He is showing you no respect whatsoever and clearly doesn't care for your feelings or emotional wellbeing. Please see sense and do the right thing, not just for your children but for yourself. You deserve so much better.

If he was a good father he wouldn't be treating the mother of his children in such a shoddy manner. He's behaving in an abhorrent way towards you. If he cared for his kids he wouldn't be bullying their main carer.

Great advice about getting as much legal advice - they have to do check on conflict of interests once you have told them your side they cant act for him. So also contact a lot of solicitors especially the really good ones - as then he cant use them .

Bullies don't usually care about the effect they have on their children's main carer. They don't think - if I am hurting my wife/partner, I am in turn hurting my children. They are completely selfish and only look out for themselves.

You have to look out for yourself and your children. He is not.

Can only reiterate what has been said above.

This man is a fuckwit.

He will not change his mind, certainly not whilst you are presumably still washing/ironing/cooking (please tell me not having sex) for him. he is making a fool of you. I am sorry to be harsh, but imagine your best friend or your sister in your position.

He is not being a good father. The men I know who really are good fathers worked hard when they spilt from their partners to ensure their children had everything: They moved into one bed flats so their children could stay at home; they gave up their golf so their children could continue with swimming and ballet. They made sure ex's suffered as little as possible beacuse they recognised that was essential to the well being of their children. That is how good fathers behave.

Please see a solicitor. Don' talk about it/threaten him with it. Just go. Know your rights and realise he is bullying you.

Please don't allow him to continue.

OMG

What a disgusting vile pig. Why on earth are you still with him? He has ground you down Woman

Go to see a solicitor today and file for a divorce. Keep emotion out of it please just do it.

You poor soul

Do you really think he loves and yet he treats you like this?

Sorry I meant to say - do you think he loves you.

Our DCs are babies, so at least there won't be any big conversation with them about what's going on just yet.
He says he still loves me, and he has been lovely to me for over a decade which is why I am shocked at (and possibly excusing) his recent behaviour. I've been with him all my adult life and can't imagine how I go about living without him. Though of course I almost am at the moment.
Interesting point about taking to his solicitor friends first, they are not easy for me to visit due to distance and the DCs but perhaps I could have a phone consultation at least?
How do you know who is a good solicitor and who isn't?
I really appreciate all your replies and advice, thank you.

Oh my god OP! I think you need to get angry with him now. He is being an utter tw*t. If he was having an affair and that was it then perhaps there would be some hope, depending on how you both responded to it. BUT he does not deserve your love. He is treating you as less than nothing, you are the woman who cares for his children and probably takes care of his domestic comforts. Are you still doing his housework etc OP? Meanwhile he laughs in your face and flaunts his infidelity, even love for another woman, in front of you. He is a bastard.

Re: the kids. I have a couple of friends whose dads behaved like this, and they eventually lost all respect for their mothers for putting up with it. Sounds harsh I know but don't forget your H is neglecting them too when he is off with the OW. Plus you have the choice to leave or throw him out etc, they don't. How old are your DC?

OP this is exactly the situation my sis was in a few years ago. their business was also in the grounds of their home, and he did exactly the same as your 'husband' is doing - he openly had an affair and didnt give a stuff who knew about it.
she also had a 2 year old son. he practically moved the OW in under her nose.

in the end the only thing she could do to save sanity was move away. she still takes her share of wages from the business, if its a joint venture then your 'husband' cant stop you from taking your wage.
she ended up renting a house that the business pays for, but 16 years down the line im afraid she is in no better situation - she cant force his hand financially, but i fear she has left it far too long to take good legal advice, the advice she got was so wishy washy she just stagnated in this nightmare situation.
id see a solicitor asap and find out what your options are. best of luck.

x-post sadjane, well your kids are babies now, but they won't be for long. If you let him get away with this now he will know that you will put up with anything. Sounds like he is testing you to see how weak you are. He is betting on you feeling as you say: "I've been with him all my adult life and can't imagine how I go about living without him." Well, you can live without him. He is being an absolute arse to you, and to your kids too, because if he respected the family you had created he wouldn't be putting you through this upheaval and misery.

He is being cold and calculating and taking for granted your vulnerability. Esp as you have tiny kids! What a horrible horrible way to behave. Are you feeling any of this OP?

I am getting the point, yes
With all of you behind me I'm starting to think about practical things. I have made an appointment with the CAB to talk about benefits as a lone parent.
So I guess I need a solicitor, but how do you know who is a good one? Is it going to cost me lots of money, I have hardly any money of my own.

Ask friends/family for personal recommendations first. Not sure re:money etc but someone will.

You will be marvellous when all this is over. Wish I could be there to see his face when he gets served his papers (does this still happen outside of old films?) - he will be astonished at your strength and courage, and serve him right.

yes yes to getting him to tell the kids.

I wonder can the OP just throw him out now?

Glad we're not being too understated for you

Glad you're feeling you have a bit more control now OP. This man has committed not one, but two crimes. First he's openly having an affair and second he's rubbing it in your face and hasn't got the decency to fuck off. I hate him on your behalf
You have to start telling yourself that the man you thought you loved doesn't exist anymore. Bloody hard I know.

At least when my exH met someone else he moved out almost straight away. Divorce is scary and at the time you simply can't get your head around how life is going to be as a single parent. But like so many other women here who went through the pain barrier, it's been so so worth it.