What to do when unfaithful H won't leave?

[sadjane]

I've been following Maggie's thread for a while. Am in a similar situation. H having an affair, has completely emotionally cut off from me and won't talk about it, instead preferring to pretend that living parallel lives in the same house is fine whilst seeing OW on a regular basis. He genuinely seems OK with the situation, its me who is suffering listening to his phone calls with the OW, seeing messages between them about how much they are in love or want to be making love to each other....it really hurts
I have on more than one occasion asked him to leave, if only for a little while so we can both have some space and he can have a chance to decide what it is he wants as we have the same old scenario where he says he doesn't know. I have even packed him a bag. But each time he says there's no reason for him to go and I can't make him so he's staying put.
I would have gone myself by now if it weren't for the fact that the house is also my business premises, so if I left I can't work, and also I think our young DCs need the stability of staying here. We have a joint mortgage so he's as legally entitled to be here as I am.
I love him so much and live in hope that he will see the error of his ways but right now I can't see any way forward that doesn't involve us spending some time apart. I don't know how I can get us out of this stalemate and preserve my already ruined self-esteem.

Sadjane, I am glad you sound more positive today.

CAB should be able to give you a list of solicitors or alternatively the Shelter website I mentioned yesterday has a link to solicitors who specialise in family law.

Can I just re-iterate how important it is that you get copies of all of your/his financial documents. If he's threatening to screw you over, you might find that money you thought you had has magically "disappeared". I know its not all about money, but you need to make sure you get what you are entitled to so that you can provide for your dc's.

Let us know how you get on x

QuintessentiallyWondering, what a devious idea about neutralising his solicitor "friends"!

But, sadjane, I fear it may distract you from just getting on with collecting information and finding a solicitor. Just one solicitor. That's not to say you can't "interview" a few, and see whether they understand your case and give sensible advice straight away (if they start waffling and seem not to grasp what the issues are, they might be no good in a fight).

Hi sadjane. I'm sorry you're going through this horrible crap! What a nasty man

With apologies if I'm repeating the others - in a hurry:
Yes, divorce him. Don't mess about with 'collaborative' divorce and mediation; go straight for the balls! You can't trust him to play fair.
Copy all of your financial stuff, including his personal affairs. Make a note of account numbers, logins & passwords ;)
Be perfectly open with all mutual friends, neighbours, in-laws, etc. Why should you cover up for him?
Have you rung the OW? Tell her she can have him as soon as she likes

Good luck!

ps: The solicitor will accept payment after settlement. They'll work out whether you can afford them, don't worry about it. The first 30 minutes should be free - so you can 'interview' several before choosing.

I really hope you have decided now to stop cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing etc for him

What are you ? A domestic appliance that's seen better days ? Some old boiler that's been traded in for a new one ? Harsh words...but you can bet that is the kind of thing these two star-crossed lovers will be giggling about, in that lovely, adulterous, post-coital glow

If he flaunts OW in your face, God knows what is being said behind your back.

I also hope you are not still sleeping with him. Have you thought about getting an STD check ?

oh my word, i cant believe your horrible shit of a husband has done this to you!
you've had some quality advice here, ffs please follow it. the sooner you stop yourself from being treated like this, and yes it is your responsibility to put a stop to it, the less the chances of your dc's being treated like this in their adult relationships. i really really hope they learn from your courage and sense of self-worth. our children learn so much from how we behave, please only be in relationships that you would be happy for your dc's to replicate in years to come

Sadjane - I have nothing to add and you have had great advice here. But I just wanted to add my view that you must leave him. What he is doing is cruel and nasty and there is no way he can be a nice person and act like this. You will survive on your own, and support is available. There is always a way out.

Sadjane,I'm sorry to hear what you are currently going through.A relation of mine is currently in an identical situation at the minute,and for a minute,I thought that you were her,posting on here.Only she isn't married to her partner.He is refusing to leave too.It's an awful situation and I wish you strength.

How are you doing OP?

Dear god, you poor thing. Have been too wrapped up in my own woes to read any other threads until now. I am so, so sorry to hear you are going through this. My H might be behaving like a complete div but at least he is still trying to hide his affair (deleting texts, never ringing her from home) and has agreed to move out this weekend.

I am concerned that you don't have any RL support. Are your friends/family aware of this situation? Surely if they did they wouldn't let him treat you like this?

Is there anyone who can take care of the DCs while you sort out legal advice? Or, if push came to shove, come round and physically throw your twat of a husband out of the house? I wish you all the luck in the world.

AF am definitely not sleeping with him! Not doing his washing cooking or anything useful for him really. It's been quite a shock to him.
He is at the OWs all weekend but will be back here after that, taking the piss or what! I have stated again that he needs to go, he has said he will but I don't actually believe him yet. I'm using this time to collect all the evidence I can. Thank you all for holding my hand, it means a lot. For my DCs sake I have to feel I didn't give up too soon, your posts are helping me to see I have put up with more than enough.

try and get this time to transfer any bills to his name and to get hold of as much money ans squirrel it away - even £20 here or there

see a couple of solicitors and get advice.

phone shelter regarding your housing status and ask them for their advice.

entitedto.com is a good site for working out benefit scenarios.

make sure you have all your documents in order and together - easy to find and get at - ie birth cirtificates and other id, mortgage documents.

know thoroughly your finances, what is in your name and his, what you ae liable for and what he is.

Glad to hear you sound more in control sadjane. Well done.

Nice to hear you sounding more energetic and cheerful. Everything you achieve in this mood will be something more to be cheerful about, and help get you through this.