support for those living in difficult relationships

[Eve34]

Ok title may not be quite right, but I and others are living in a situation that is not easy. For whatever reason we have decided to follow this path, I do not wished to be judged, just some kind words may help.

I have posted a few times, and get the sound advice to leave,move on etc etc.

For those that have the courage and determination to achieve that, well done.

For those of us sitting it out and waiting to see what happens this is the place to be. We know it is not right, healthy or how it should be, but right now we have choosen to live like this for this period in time.

i don't know if others will join me, just to offer some support and some kind words. I do hope so.

Wishing you all the courage and strength to get through the day.

Eve

Hi Eve,
I am in the same position as you and can understand how it gets. Fortunately for me my children are grown, so I dont have little ones caught up in the situation.

Some days are better than others. I have found that getting out and doing things helps lift my mood and stops me thinking about things. Thankfully, I have p/t work and no one there knows my circumstances.

Swimming is now free so I go on ladies night and a good walk round the block burns calories as well. Its good to switch off to stop the stress from building up.

Have you found anything that helps you?

EVE - I thank you for your thoughful post. Today I have my first councelling session....

count me in. I willnot go into detail on here. I have posted under another name with detail of my situation but had to change myname as dd saw what it was. Don't want her prying. In a v diff relationship. dh depressive, alcoholic. he is totally in denial despite the fact that everyone is aware if it. Lots of frictino between him ad dd (12) and it can be horrenouds but I am lost and afraid at the moment of taking action. I don't know why but tht is how it is right now. This thread will be great for all of us. Well done and thanks

sounds good to me. DH and I are going through a very rough patch and hopefully we will come through the other side, but most of the advice i have been given is to leave him, because of the emotional/verbal abuse.It may well come to that but I have to give him some time to sort himself out.

i feel i have given dh so many chcances over the years. I know he will not change. I have to act but find the whole thing so daunting that I am paralysed

wow - hello ladies, glad you can come and join me.

It is so easy to say leave, but it is such an impossible task to even consider some days.

Sie 6 - thank you, yes I try to get out, it isn't always easy, as I am left holding the fort 95% of the time - why would I possible want a life of my own!!!! I do work and very much enjoy my job, although that is a bit of an up hill struggle the last few weeks.

Hang on in there, eat cake (i know i will get fat) and see what tomorrow beings :-)

Fancy that - you are doing the very best you can, don't beat yourself up. It is really hard, but I try to remember the very small good things - I got a lie in 3 weeks ago!!!

Skinsl - you have to know you have given it your all before you can turn your back - that is how I feel. Then I would be justified in my actions.

Make mine strong and sweet. Well done DNOTS you have achieved so much by going to relate - i am sure it helps to air views in such a mannor - I would love to be brave enough to go - but can't face the outcome.

I know my relationship is not on track, i just live in hope that it may snap back into place.

What stops me in my tracks is I don't want to be without my son, not for one day. I did not bring him into this world to only see him half the time. And I have heard the argument of growing up in unhappy families - but right now this is what I want.

how are we today ladies?
Enigmatica- how was your counselling?
Fancythat -have you had any counselling, you sound quite alone.Do you think you are at the end of the road?
Darkknight, how is your DH, does he appreciate you being honest with him?
Eve- I know exactly what you mean about DS. But what is really best for the kids? I don't know.
Size6- do you have spare time? How about the movies?

not sure how much everyone wants to say.
DH worked late last night and I really wasn't feeling well, so not the best follow up to our nice weekend. The weekend was a bit of a make or break weekend away. We had a nice time, but the danger is falling back into the old ways.

Hello ladies ! Hope you don't mind me tagging along ?! I've just posted in the past few days about my relationship with my husband . Have been married for 27 years and can honestly say that during that time I have wanted to leave him many, many times but have just never had the courage.He is a dreadful controlling bully with a temper to match.We have no friends - he want's me all to himself-and all his family have fallen out with him so I just feel that I have to stay because who else has he got ?

I look at this man and ask myself what do I feel - the answer is 'nothing'. Like I say I know I should leave but it's never the right time.

I really empathise with all you ladies and hope that together we can find comfort in the fact that we are not alone.

"For those of us sitting it out and waiting to see what happens this is the place to be. We know it is not right, healthy or how it should be, but right now we have choosen to live like this for this period in time."

That is me exactly. I left my husband nearly 3 years ago for someone else. we lived together and planned to have kids. He has since decided he doesn't love me and I moved out a year ago. We enjoy each other's company and get on really well. We make each other laugh. When we spend the night together, about 3 times a week, we have sex at least twice.I also spend every other weekend with him but not sleeping together because his daughter might be jealous or feel unwanted/pushed out. He says he loves me in many ways but not in the way I want and doesn't see a future for us. I am happy when I am with him, distracted when I'm at work, and in agony the rest of the time.
I need to move on and find someone to love me full time, but I can't bear the thought of not being with him, or of him being with someone else.

Nice thought op, count me in!

Hi there,

Can I join in aswell? I am a regular but I don't think DH knows my log-on name and wouldn't be bothered about looking anyway I don't think.

I'm not really sure if I should be on here or not as I think maybe my lack of trust is clouding my judgement.

I'm 35 with a 7 month old gorgeous DD who is my world. I have been with my DH for 5 years and married him in April 08.

I've never really been able to trust anyone, but I know that something is going on with DH, but I really don't know what. I don't think it's another woman though (or man )!!

Back in October, when my DD was just under 5 months old, DH told me that since we had DD things had changed and he wasn't happy. He didn't want to go though because he loved us both and wanted to sort things out. He loves my DD but doesn't really enjoy the fatherhood bit.

Maybe unnecessarily, I was suspicious. He'd been talking about a girl from work, in the context that he worked with her boyfriend. But for some reason I ignored that bit and started to become suspicious. Anyway, something happened in her life and I offered to help her out. She came around to ours and it was clear to me (women's intuition) that she definitely was NOT interested in DH (in that way), but I'm not convinced that he didn't fancy her.

Anyway, eventually we started to sort things out. Then two weeks later, I went onto the history on the PC and he had been looking at pictures on her myspace page. Professional, but sexy shots. I went mental and he defended himself. I wasn't convinced with his reasoning, but things eventually settled down and were much better.

Well a couple of weeks ago, I had a look at his phone, stupid and bad I know but it was just gut instinct. There were texts on there from this particular girl that I didn't understand. Put 2 and 2 together and came up with 5. Accused him of having an affair with her and actually text her (poor girl ). She explained the texts and was really upset that I'd accused her.

However, when I went back over what had happened in my head, DH had gone white as a sheet when I mentioned his phone, but visibly relaxed when I mentioned her texts. Very quickly, he went downstairs and got his phone. Within minutes he had deleted a number of messages from his phone.

Now he doesn't see that as suspicious.

The girl concerned is now a really close friend of mine and is VERY suspcious aswell about his actions, although she firmly believes that he wouldn't cheat on me and is really happy with me.

So I don't know what it could be, but I know that it's something. When he was MUCH younger he had an issue with drugs for a short while and now will occasionally smoke cannabis. He knows I hate him doing it and the texts may be related to him buying some of that.

He is always here straight after work and never goes out in the evenings. If he does, it's up at my parent's workshop working on the wedding cars with my brother.

He loves our DD and is brilliant around the house. He is training to be a qualified electrician while working full-time as a Maintenance Engineer. They are training him to be the Engineering Manager so he is working really hard. We've got a nice house and a lovely doggy, so on the outside eveything looks perfect.

But my gut is saying that there is something going on and I just don't know what. Since we had the talk in October, our sex life has improved leaps and bounds, he always says that he loves me and is really affectionate.

So as you can see, I don't know if I really belong on here or if the problem is all in my head. But I feel insecure about it all and just wanted to see if I could offer support, aswell as receiving some...

xxx

Sorry Eve, I selfishly didn't read all the posts before adding my two-penneth!!

I feel EXACTLY the same as you about my DD. I couldn't bear the thought of being without her for just one day.

DH thinks that my accusations are my way of getting rid of him because he thinks that I don't want to be with HIM anymore...

I was very calm a couple of weeks ago when I thought he was having an affair and told him that I didn't need him anymore, the marriage was over and I wanted him to go. So do you think that maybe he's right and over time I've just become worn down with it?

I think I'm a good Mum and I love my little girl to bits... I wonder if he feels threatened by that...

xxx

Evening all,

Lovely to to have a few friends on board, sorry that you are in this situation.

Dawnas - come and share, I have to say sadly in my experience your gut is usually right. I was far to trusting, nights out with mates etc etc. The mobile phone is the route of all evil. :-)

Northernfriend - life leads us a song and dance sometimes, you will know when it is time to move on I ams ure. hang on in there.

Sadasadsue - i am so sorry this exisitance has lasted so long, I hope you have other areas in your life that bring you some joy. x

Skilsl - how have things been, good to hear you had a good weekend, but it is easy to slip into our normal roles, this is the slippy path we took and really did live seperate lives and is still a rift between us. Try and breeak from the norm.

Well as for me, I love to share, so will waffle on. DP came home last night, he is living at work since the new year, when his girlfriend text me to tell me they were getting married!!! I told him to go. After a year of this I have had enough. He begged for me to give him 1 more chance. Told him he has to work hard at it. And really isn't trying that hard. It was so good to have im home,I am just a saddo.

Hope the weekend goes well for everyone, always more challenging I find.

Eve, WTF? Is he seeing someone else, she tells you they are getting married and he is begging you for another chance? Is that right?

Eve, Thanks for your personal mention/reply! I joined this week to try to help other people with their problems and to try to get some insight into mine but so far have been ignored! I'm sure you're right. At the moment I'm sort of happy in my desperate situation because I feel wanted some of the time.

sue, do you have any kids? is it starting over that is stopping you from leaving?

nfriend- bit confused, the guy you are with is the guy you left your husband for?

Dawn, so the girl you thought he was cheating with is now a friend? tbh, a few suspicions there, but it could be anything.
It's sometimes a very difficult adjustment for the men with a new baby. Not making excuses at all. He actually sounds like a good guy from what you describe.

Skin - he moved out April last year and started seiing OW. He came home in Sept and said it was all over. It clearly wasn't and it kicked off again new year.

He said it is over she has text me and said she can't stand his lies anymore - she got a few home truths too - ha ha.

So he is trying to build bridges but in his usual half arsed way.

As I sad I am a saddo.

Sorry for bad typing false nails not all they are cracked up to be!!

Northern friend - I am sure you are not being ignored. I have been on MN for nearly 4 years now, and still feel like an outsider, I am surprised when someone says Eve you are so so ......I post from time to time, usually abut DP and this has lead me here. I know I should give up and move on, but I just can't not yet. I want to know I did everything I could to not let my son down.

Eve-so he is telling! lies all around, and trying to have his cake and eat it?
You are not a saddo at all.. don't say that! we all have our limits and they are all different.
Northern friend- i know what you mean. but there are some helpful people on here, not all judgemental
x

It has been a rough few years for both of us, one of us had to go. The lies hurt the most. At the moment he seems to be above board, but I can't risk that hurt again, it took me to my lowest ebb.

Time will tell, I am stronger and adjusting to life without him here, I just hope we can re build!!!!!

Time for bed :-)

I don't want to live with him anymore. There, I have said it. He's got his problems, but he is just horrible.

Skinsl That sounds like a good starting point. Build upon it till you have the strength to move forward.

Well my situation has come to a head - he phoned me this morning he is going back to his girlfriend, he doesn't love and can't see how we would ever work.

So here I am single, going to have to share my son, and have half his life. This is what I didn't want. I love him, and I wanted us to work it out together.

In time I am sure I will see it is for the best, he is selfish lazy man, who would not do anything for anyone unless there was something in it for him.

Hi skins1 ! Yes i do have a DD but she id almost twenty. She fed up of living her with us - thinks her dad is a bit unhinged and could understand if I decided to leave him. She is just counting the days now as she is off to do a 1 yr course in September so she tries to keep out of the house as much as possible. She say hopefully she wont be back.I am dreading it.I love it so much when DH is out at work - there's no treading on eggshells, bickering etc.

Everyday he has to make some snide comment about my appearance or shortcomings. Everyday he asks me if I love him and do I love as much as I've always done ? I look at him and feel really sorry for him and say 'yes of course I do !' but I'm lying. WHY haven't I got the courage to say NO!!!!! I lie in bed at night telling myself I can do it and even practise what I'm going to say to him, but of course I never say it.I hate myself for it !I really wish he had another woman so that I had a proper excuse to throw him out but there's not a cat in hell's chance that anyone would look twice at him 'cos no-one would put up with him.