support for those living in difficult relationships

[Eve34]

Ok title may not be quite right, but I and others are living in a situation that is not easy. For whatever reason we have decided to follow this path, I do not wished to be judged, just some kind words may help.

I have posted a few times, and get the sound advice to leave,move on etc etc.

For those that have the courage and determination to achieve that, well done.

For those of us sitting it out and waiting to see what happens this is the place to be. We know it is not right, healthy or how it should be, but right now we have choosen to live like this for this period in time.

i don't know if others will join me, just to offer some support and some kind words. I do hope so.

Wishing you all the courage and strength to get through the day.

Eve

Eve, I'm so sorry. But you will be ok. You need to find some people on here who have been through it. maybe work out what the practical next step is. Do you think he will be fair about access??

Sue, think about how happy you could be without him?! or is it just too scary to think about?

Dark knight... what happened to your post. Understand if you want out, but are you ok?

Sadsue - I know how hard it is, your daughter is all grown up, you have a chance to live a peaceful life. I fully understand the sitting still option is a safe place to be. Try to get some time for you.

Skinsl - yes i have started another thread for a bit of TLC. I will stay here too and cheer everyone on. I know this will be for the best.

can I join this thread too.

I've wanted to leave dp many many times. I love him but its not the same anymore. His coldness and constant critisism is wearing me out. But I'm pg too and don't feel strong enough to do it. I have 3 other children too.

Eve, you sound as if you know it was inevitable and had to happen. I hope you have friends to help you through it. I have one or two who I can really talk to.

Skinsl, yes, I left my husband to live with the guy that I no longer live with but am still seeing. He spends every weekend with his son, which I understand, but he promised to save my birthday weekend for me. He then told me that was the weekend they were going away cycling. When I got upset he said we were over and I'm just hanging on. That was 4 months ago. We haven't talked about that, on one occasion I asked where he saw our relationship going and he said he didn't know.

It was an enormous step to leave my husband and I still can't believe I was brave enough to do it. But that's how much I love the new guy. I would still do anything for him.

I wish I could change things, I know the realtionship was unhealthy, but it never use to be. It use to be great, we were so in love and loved our son together, but I got depressed and he driffed away, met someone else. I still think that we could make it work but I know I am holding on it a pipe dream.

Anyone want to talk? Only just got back to this thread , had pc problems! Sheep, hang in there, must be tough being pg. Eve, how are things?

Thank goodness for others who are not walking away. I have been married for 27 years and my husband has been working abroad for the last 2 years. At his insistence I gave up my job in order to join him I was due to move over in January. In November he told me he no longer wanted me there. I discovered that he has been carrying a torch for a female employee although he will not admit is even though I have seen text messages, poems etc. I believe the relationship is one sided - I know the woman concerned who is 20 years younger and I do not believe she is complicit.

When I visited in January for his birthday on my return he phoned to say he missed me and I should be with him and then changed his mind.

I am distraught having completely changed my life to be with him. He used to be very loving now he is cold and distant. Everyone advises me to walk away but I can't I love him as much today as when we first met. We have 4 grown up sons who know something of what is going on but not all. I feel my life is over and there is nothing left.

Sorry to have gone on so much but it is good to see that others find it difficult to just walk away.

My first time posting here. I am relating to everything you are saying. After 30 years being married and having 4 sons there are many times when I felt so despairing and lonely that I could have run away. I stayed for my sons sake and still have a 16 year old at home.My husband is a workaholic- he is unable to see it and always defends himself and desoite trying hard to put things in place to improve the situation- it never lasts more than a day or so. He is getting worse and now that the boys are lass dependant he said that he has time to do all the things he couldnt do when they were small!! I work 4 days a week and my job keeps me sane. I long to come home to a home with a loving and caring partner but he finds it difficult to be loving and odesnt seem to be able to see that he is always working even in his study at home. I dread growing old with him. Sorry I sould so sad but it isnt a subject that I can share with anyone easily.

I think this thread is a bad idea.

If you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship you should not be supporting other women like you to stay in their relationships.

It seems to me that this thread seeks to normalize dangerous abusive behaviours or psychologically unhealthy relationships.

Hi can I post? I have some threads currently running. "Skype contact list" "Sexy e-mails ..." My husband has affairs (hopefully only emotional affairs but maybe not) Everyone tells me to leave. I do not find it that easy. I am not young, I am having treatment for cancer and am unable to work but am beating the cancer. The problem started long before I got ill. Husband lies and lies. I caught him red handed sending photos of himself to one woman, whilst we were on holiday. He still tried to deny it. This is my third serious relationship. I left the other two for infidelity, physical abuse and alcoholism. This relationship is the least abusive. My husband would say that I am ungrateful for all the material things he provides. He thinks that if he is a good provider, that he is a good husband and is entitled to his fun. However, he makes me feel that I am crazy, paranoid etc. He takes no responsibility for his behaviour. I have started spending most of my time in our holiday cottage "doing it up". He visits weekends. I am obsessed by his misbehaviour and wish I were not. I do not think I could now bear to live with him 24/7 but I cannot yet end it. We have built up so much over a long period I am too drained to start again. Imagine going on holiday alone? Mind you there were at least 3 of us on our last holiday. How does one survive in this sort of situation?

Just wanted to say that I don't think this thread is a bad idea, it helps to share and offload, and separating is such a massive step. Supporting someone by listening/reading isn't necessarily normalizing their relationship issues, but knowing someone is listening can be such a huge benefit.

Also BaggyAggy, I don't really know what to say, but I didn't want to read and run (or rather read and crawl in to bed, am exhausted!). You have so much going on for you, I can't imagine. I am tired and not thinking too clearly, but I guess my tip for suriving would be to tackle one issue at a time until you are physically and emotionally in a stronger position, starting with just concentrating on you and your health if you can. Sorry if that's rubbish suggestion! Take care x

hiya can i join in?

im really fed up too.

hi ladies, i'm also going to join, but will probably be mainly lurking reading with interest.

Evening ladies, hope you are all well. Glad to see.

I am sorry to see that diezie thinks this is a bad idea, I do not want to normalise disfunctional relationships, that is not my aim, I just wanted to share the knowledge that I know my relationship isn't a healthy one and gain strength from others who understnad.

It is very easy to say leave, doing it is another thing.

Life for me is much the same, he is seeing his new girl friend, and life goes on, i am staying strong, and have been very calm about the situation, showing him that i am calm and collective.

She on the other hand is being a little neurotic.... ha ha

Stay strong ladies, there will come a time that we will move on from these difficult times

x x

dizietsma, just wanted to say this is really not a bad idea, we are not supporting anyone to stay in an abusive or healthy relationship. It is just somewhere to come for support. For whatever reason, and the reasons seem to be varied, we are not ready to leave yet.It might be that we need the support and some help to leave. Or there is so much going on that we cant face leaving right now. As it has been said before, leaving is not easy and I think these women deserve the right to come somewhere for some TLC. Personally I have found that if you post in relationships, you get the same people telling you to just leave, and you can't explain the reasons you are staying.You just are.And then there is no support because they don't understand why you are not leaving.
Ladies, I thought this thread had died a bit, but will be giving you my full attention soon. x

skinsl you got that just right.

sometimes things are good for me other times totally shit.

right now its totally shit.

We need to keep this thread active, it is very important to those of us who are in this situation. Being told to leave may well be a counsel of perfection, but we are not all perfect yet.

Baggyagy, I think you have way too much going on to make decisions now, it sounds like you have had a horrible time with the "wrong" men. how are you feeling physically with the cancer? Do you still love your DH? do you have kids?

hangingin, your life is far from over. your DH sounds like he is having a midlife crisis or doesn't know what he wants. It must be so hard when you have been with him for so long though and your life is so wrapped up in his.

Mumikins, do you think you still love him? Can you do stuff on your own rather than going home to him in his study.. the movies or a swim or something.

Eve, how are you coping, has he actually moved out? Can you distance yourself from him? Ha ha re the OW, keep your head held high!

Nickschick, how are you, were you having a bad day, or is it all a bit much at the moment?

Can I ask a question for everyone. If it was a perfect world, would you want to fix the relationship, or do you want the strength to leave?

No skinsl it isnt very good here at the mo...hasnt been for a while,hes v moody.

has he always been like that NC? or has something happened recently?
mine is stressed, shorttempered, badtempered, but hasn't always been like it.

I will concentrate on myself and my health for the moment. I am beating the cancer but the side effects of the medication are unpleasant and make me very tired.

I made him a loaf of bread in our new breadmaking machine to take back with him, after our weekend together. He is a busy professional and normally considers household or trivial matters beneath him and not worthy of comment. He e-mailed me fairly urgently to say that the wife of the couple currently visiting had found the breadmaker paddle in the bread and was telling everyone. I find that hard to believe as she is my friend and the paddle would be easily spotted on cutting the bread. It wouldn't harm you. Am I being oversensitive thinking he is just enjoying pointing out that I make mistakes? Nothing is ever good enough for him, or am I overreacting?

Hi, I've been on MN for a while but only started posting recently. I was drawn to this because it somes up exactly how i feel. "I know my relationship is not on track, i just live in hope that it may snap back into place." I know my h wants it to work he just doesn't know how to have a relationship, not a maid with benefits!

Anyway I thought I'd tag along, introduce myself (well sort of) and sometime I might be brave enough to post my problems (it is a very long story) x Thanks eve

Skinsl I dont think he has always been like this - hes always been moody and wanting everything his way,but im quite a bit younger than him and I grew up with no parents so I just sort of accepted it as the norm.

Now im older and have (informed)opinions he doesnt really like it.....throw into the mix that his daughter from his first marriage got in touch with him at christmas and then hasnt bothered much since and I suppose he is stressed and upset but thats no reason to have a go at me and our dc.

Thankyou for asking it means a lot to me to know its not just me.

baggy I dont think the young wife is telling everyone its hardly top gossip is it? paddle in the bread? maybe if you are sure the next loaf will be eaten just by him u should add some laxatives .

twotimes..hi there .

I'm in a different situation to most of you, but a difficult one all the same.

There's no real fault on either side that I can see (other than being screwed up people) but my H no longer loves me and we're both going through counselling at the moment, living in separate rooms.

We have a 2yo and I am heading for 6mo pregnant so this situation really sucks, but when I am being reasonable I know that I can't blame anyone - it is just a horrible situation. Bad things have been said on both sides and I'm really struggling at the moment.

I don't know whether to back off and give H space, or make it clear that I want him and I'm willing to work for our relationship. I don't know if anything would work.

Hi again,

Those of us in bad relationships really really need somewhere to express ourselves. Family and friends are not ideal. They feel they have to solve your problems and it is a burden for them. Strangers on-line who are also in bad relationships understand and can give come comfort. At least we are not alone. It is horrid to be unloved and it is lonely. I feel so much better for this and other threads. I try to look at all the things that are good about my life, and keep the really bad ones for my computer. Besides I have had a lot of good advice. It is a bit like an emotional affair in that it is secret, very self revealing and important. I have a secret, albeit a harmless one, from my husband who has so enjoyed keeping secrets from me.

I made a joke about the breadmachine paddle. I told him I also do cakes with files in, for people who need to escape. He wasn't sure about that. He wanted me to feel bad, but I was laughing and making a joke.