Worried I'm spiralling into a serious depression

[Janos]

First off I know that title sounds wetter than wet and some folk will be rolling their eyes around (fair enough) but I would like to ask some advice.

Ok, some background. Sorry if things sound a bit disjointed.

Some posters will be aware of this already but last year I had to go through a court case to get residence of DS (5), who I absolutely love to bits.

This was a last resort action taken because of behaviour by XP. we had shared care sadly that was not working. Needless to say this was very draining and stressful.

Now, I have a couple of good friends up here (not loads, I am not the madly sociable type) but apart from that not too much practical support, as my family are around 100 miles away. Must add that they are lovely and very helpful.

I also work p-t. 30 hours a week, without giving too much detail though when I do work, I'm doing full time hours. Basically I;m up at 6.30 in the morning and back about six in the evening. It's exhausting.

The job isn't great pay and I get bit of a top up from tax credits, plus help with childcare. For various reasons the job is getting me down a lot. I'd like to move on but opportunities are limited where I am. Money is a worry. XP also refuses to pay maintenance, (CSA been involved, before you ask, useless bunch).

Now, XP has DS 2 nights a week currently which means I do get a chance to rest and time to myself, though I miss DS desperately when he's not here. Now I have always enjoyed getting out and about - used to just enjoy doing stuff. Now, I can barely be bothered to leave the house. I used to enjoy dating and now I can barely be bothered to even look at men because I think what is the point.

I'm also eating way too much as it feels like food is the only pleasure I have right now. Doesn't that sound just awful?

Now, I would normally be straight to docs as I believe ADs can be helpful in the right situation, and it's a good starting point of course.

However, last time I did this XP had it bought up in the court case to try and 'prove' I was some sort of mad depressive who wasn't fit to look after a child (I had bad PND). So I'm wary and scared of going back again as XP would love for me to mess up so he can get control of DS. This is not me being paranoid, he is entirely capable.

So what is the best way forward? I don't think I'm being the best mum I can be to DS right now because of this and to be honest I just feel utterly exhausted.

Blimey I sound very sorry for myself don't I! And that is not my normal mindset at all. I have had these feelings before and have come out the other side but now they are not going away.

My god what an essay! Anyway, any help and advice would be gratefully received at the moment. Thank you for listening.

Oh dear, an essay. Not intentional but once I start waffling...and of course I mean thanks for reading.

No that doesn't sound patronising dittany and thank you for responding.

I think you're right, some exercise would be good, it's just finding the time and summoning up the energy.

Re the ADs thing...my XP found out about it last time because as part of the process of getting residence, something called a court report was done. This involves a court reporter speaking to everyone involved with the care of the child and also doctors etc. I had gone to see a doc and said I was feeling midly depressed, this came up in the court report. XP and his solicitor had access to this information and tried to use it against me.

The comfort eating, no it's not the end of the world, but I don't like as I used to be very overweight when I was with XP and am scared of going back to that.

That sounds worth looking into Dittany. Thanks

The problem is at the moment everything feels like a slog, even things I have previously enjoyed. I realise I need to address that.

I hve heard that St Johns Wort isn't for everyone but I took it for about six months and it certainly did the trick for me. Takes a few weeks (3 ish) to really kick in .

As Dittany says, you have a lot on your plate. Do make as good use as possible of your time alone. Make yourself get up an go out and try not to sit for too long in a fuzz.

Basically, do whatever makes you feel really good, anything that you can enjoy.

Have also heard that fresh air and vaguely creative things are very good for you (e.g. music and something like painting or pottery). Sounds silly but creative stuff are supposed to release something in your body that's good for you I think.

Also...remember you had the battle with XP and won! I know it was awful but you do now have custody so try your best to enjoy DS and focus on the happiness that you can have together.

if you are thinking you might be slipping, then at least you are on your guard. Try the st john's wort, it's very good, and a very good place to start. You can do this, you'll be fine, cos you are aware of what's going on around you. Good luck! You'll be fine!

Janos, have you looked into private counselling?

I don't know whether the fees would be managable for you but at least your Ex would have difficulty in finding out about it, however, even though he was aware last time it didn't do him much good, did it?

Firstly, stop being so apologetic for complaining about feeling sad and unmotivated.

You've been through alot and it sounds like you're still recovering emotionally from it all... a separation/stress/money problems/physical exhaustion/lack of family support. that's a full house.

However comforting food is though, you know it's not the answer... try to think of other things that might make you ultimately feel BETTER about yourself. easier said than done, i know. don't beat yourself up about it though. it's easy to get caught up in the whole cycle of over-eating/self hating cycle so avoid focussing on feelings of shame/self hatred etc If you fully acknowledge the sadness and anger at the situation you've found yourself in, without feeling silly or self pitying, you'll find it easier to get over it and move on.

try to be pro-active about changing your job. think positively about your prospects and create opportunities for yourself.

and don't force yourself to be ready for anything that you're not.

if the court case is over, what possible difference will it make to go to the GP's now and get some Anti-D's if you think they have helped in the past ?

exP does not need to know...and them trying to use it against you was unsuccessful anyway (as it should be)

I second what everyone else has said and I also don't think this time of year helps much at all

however, spring weather is only just round the corner and will make it easy to get out and about more with dc

get bikes for you both and get to the park, if you don't have a dog, borrow one and take it for long walks

do you drive ? if you are in receipt of benefits you can get reduced rates for National Trust visiting...wandering about beautiful, peaceful places is very good for the soul and educational for dc too

try not to worry yourself into feeling worse...go easy on yourself, you have an awful lot on your plate and it sounds like you could be suffering some delayed shock about the horrid court case 'n' stuff

good luck (you sound lovely btw) x

Janos, you have had a lot to deal with, so please cut yourself some slack and dont be apologetic for feeling bad.

You seem to aware of all the things that is unsatisfactory in your life at the moment, and that is a good starting point. Do you ever get to see friends? Have some fun? Do you focus on spending time doing something you really enjoy?

When I was diagnosed with pnd, and the doc prescribed ADs, my dh said "look honey, realistically, anybody looking at our lives will realize it is pretty crap, it IS depressing. No point hiding it behind ADs, lets CHANGE our life around, and lets see if we can beat this without meds". Then he bought me a bike.

The simple thing, getting out, getting fresh air, really helped. Exercise release endorphines, the bodys own anti depressant, and I also find that exercising regularly helps. Any chance you can take up some exercise?

Is there anything else in your life you can change? Your job? Or is that unrealistic?

i have suffered with depression in the past and it is something that never really goes away - i see it as comfort sometimes too and i have to really pull myself together to not fall into a pit of dispaear. so knowing you are like this is a good start.

Firstly dont worry that you feel sad - it is your right to feel anything. If you need to cry do so and if it helps limit the time you 'allow' yourself to wallow in self-pity - even you will soon get bored of it - and it sounds as if you are there already.

Set yourself small goals - like finding something to be happy about - i used to like watching nature around me and would write one thing down that i had stopped and watched that day. It helps you to know that you are lucky to be able to just stop and enjoy when the rest of the world is busy around you.

The other thing i did was to try and get someone (a stranger) to smile at me everyday - i would try and make someone smile or laugh or just engage in conversation - i then felt as if i had at least brought something to that person that day - sounds silly written down but again it really helped lift me.

Take care of yourself and all the advice about st johns wort (although didnt work for me) and exercise is very good too.

Good luck

I love what HappyWoman says about the little things, they're really important. I know how you feel Janos and I agree with the others that you have an awful lot on your plate. Agree with AF though, go and see your GP, there's no way using ADs can be counted against you. They've been a life-saver for me, they're not a crutch, they just take the edge off things and make me feel much more grounded.

You don't sound like a depressive type to me, you're too positive and you're also self-aware. I just think you need some help through this and the horrible situation with your ex.

1. Stop moaning;

1. Go to your GP if you really think your depressed;

1. If your not happy with your life, then do something about it.

mmmmmmmmmmm such empathy mrsrigby.

it's a viewpoint

...just not a very helpful one

although hopefully, the end result will be the same

And what do you suggest blinks?

I've been depressed and tried to commit suicide twice.

I've also suffered PND and on this occasion I was bullied by the health visitor into going to the GP. Thankfully he's very good and agreed with me that anti-depressants aren't the answer.

What did work was taking 1 day at a time and getting some fresh air.

Clearly Mrs Rigby you have never felt overwhelmed with anything.

Or felt the need to get things off your chest or share.

Janos - I have tried St Johns Wort too.

I think its good you have recognised it and can take steps to halt the spiral.

I also think this time of year is utterly depressing.

Whats wrong with this time of year?

Are you all single mums who hate Valentines Day and get depressed because you have no-one???

It's a great time of year - 1 MONTH AFTER NEW YEAR, still time to make a new start and change your life for the better if that's what you want.

Plus I turn 30 this month .

mrsrigby- considering your history of depression, maybe the message in your second post would have been more helpful to the OP that 'stop moaning and go to your gp'.

ok i've decided you're just an arse.

it's been noted before, blinks

i see

I don't believe anti-depressants are the answer, but every person is different and maybe they are the answer for the OP or not. That's something for her and her GP to decide.

Life is short and precious. If your not happy then do something about it.

Okay, as my input's not wanted I'll leave this thread.

Got a 15 month old to look after when he wakes from his nap and until then the house could do with a bit of a clean.

Carry on moaning OP.