Worried I'm spiralling into a serious depression

[Janos]

First off I know that title sounds wetter than wet and some folk will be rolling their eyes around (fair enough) but I would like to ask some advice.

Ok, some background. Sorry if things sound a bit disjointed.

Some posters will be aware of this already but last year I had to go through a court case to get residence of DS (5), who I absolutely love to bits.

This was a last resort action taken because of behaviour by XP. we had shared care sadly that was not working. Needless to say this was very draining and stressful.

Now, I have a couple of good friends up here (not loads, I am not the madly sociable type) but apart from that not too much practical support, as my family are around 100 miles away. Must add that they are lovely and very helpful.

I also work p-t. 30 hours a week, without giving too much detail though when I do work, I'm doing full time hours. Basically I;m up at 6.30 in the morning and back about six in the evening. It's exhausting.

The job isn't great pay and I get bit of a top up from tax credits, plus help with childcare. For various reasons the job is getting me down a lot. I'd like to move on but opportunities are limited where I am. Money is a worry. XP also refuses to pay maintenance, (CSA been involved, before you ask, useless bunch).

Now, XP has DS 2 nights a week currently which means I do get a chance to rest and time to myself, though I miss DS desperately when he's not here. Now I have always enjoyed getting out and about - used to just enjoy doing stuff. Now, I can barely be bothered to leave the house. I used to enjoy dating and now I can barely be bothered to even look at men because I think what is the point.

I'm also eating way too much as it feels like food is the only pleasure I have right now. Doesn't that sound just awful?

Now, I would normally be straight to docs as I believe ADs can be helpful in the right situation, and it's a good starting point of course.

However, last time I did this XP had it bought up in the court case to try and 'prove' I was some sort of mad depressive who wasn't fit to look after a child (I had bad PND). So I'm wary and scared of going back again as XP would love for me to mess up so he can get control of DS. This is not me being paranoid, he is entirely capable.

So what is the best way forward? I don't think I'm being the best mum I can be to DS right now because of this and to be honest I just feel utterly exhausted.

Blimey I sound very sorry for myself don't I! And that is not my normal mindset at all. I have had these feelings before and have come out the other side but now they are not going away.

My god what an essay! Anyway, any help and advice would be gratefully received at the moment. Thank you for listening.

My friend didn't want to have it on her GP records that she was on ad's. She took St John's Wort and 5-HTP, which helped.

I think the dreadful thing about depression is that while you know what you should be doing to help yourself, you just cannot find the motivation to do it. If you could pull yourself together you would - who the hell wants to feel like you do when you're depressed.

Hi AF

I am feeling quite a bit better today, thank you for asking

I've made a decision to talk about reducing my hours at work, which will help with the exhaustion (obviously this has to be discussed with my manager first) and I've started on a healthy eating plan. Just little steps, but this is helping as I feel like I am starting to take control.

I haven't made an appt to see the doctor yet but it's on my 'to do' for tomorrow.

Thank you KwanYin.

I totally agree motivation is a big problem so I'm forcing myself to do little things and that seems to be helping.

oh good janos

and don't forget to start getting out and about in the fresh air when this dastardly weather starts to buck up

your son will enjoy it too !

I know..we got snowed on today! Couldn't believe it when I woke up and looked out the window.

Anyway something nice happened today..when I took DS out to nursery (we walking along being snowed on), my lovely neighbour stopped by and gave us a lift there, without being asked. Just a little thing that reminded me how lovely people can be.

Hope you have another better day today Janos. I just walked back from dropping DD off at school and spoke to a couple of lovely neighbours. It's set me up for the day. Hope you make that GP appointment, don't put it off.

I just wanted to update on this thread as you were all so lovely to me when I was at a very low ebb.

I'm feeling much more positive.

First off I must own up to not getting ADs. I did think vcery seriously about it but decided that in this instance they would be "masking" the problem. Nothing against them whatsoever and they have really helped me in the past.

I tackled some things that were bothering me - my long hours at work, mediating with ex and my comfort eating.

I'll be reducing my hours at work from May, I started a helathy eating programme and have lost nearly 7lbs already and,..well I can't do anything about ex but I've started the mediation and it's going ok so far.

Another thing..I've always made a lot of time for others and not so much for me. I'm making a conscious effort to make time for myself when I can and that is helping too.

Sincerely, thank you all again for your kind words. I really did appreciate it, more than you know

god janos I wish I had seen this sooner
you have been amazingly proactive and I am so glad you are feeling happier
fwiw I think you made the right decision about the ADs, not so much chemical imbalance as having to deal with a whole load of crap, and fall out from the court case (you know how the stress sets in once the situation is sorted ...)
what a tough time it has been for you, onwards and upwards

Aw thank you ninah!

I knew that I would start to feel better once I took 'control' of things so that's what I did. Not all at once but little steps.

Also, I know it sounds shallow but losing the weight has given me a real boost and I'm hoping I can keep it up.

Yes, one thing at a time, quite right.
I was prone to hibernation, haywire diet and feeling very meh in the early part of this year and that was without any of the stress factors you've had to deal with (and less hours at work too)
It is good to come out of it and feel better about things!
I don't think the weight thing is shallow at all. And the work thing will def help, those hours sound excruciating as lp - it's not like you do the long days and then bounce straight back on the shorter ones, sadly

God that sounds just like me actually, bad diet, low mood, hiding away....!

Something about the winter months...I don't think it's entirely a coincidence that my mood began improving as the days got longer. Not the only thing of course but I do wonder.

I did want to cut down work hours now but it's not practical until I know whether DS will be going to after-school club and I won't find that out til May.

But, knowing I CAN do it and my manager is sympathetic is a big, big help.

yes I was there! and I'll raise you; house like a tip, huge piles of washing, grumpy with dc, too lethargic to remove dressing gown before 'lunch' on a saturday, sneaking in the back way at work with seconds to spare
Not to mention the hellish days of on/off snow curfew
we had snow here today, but it is lighter and somehow less grim.
May will be a lovely time to have more free hours, hope you can arrange it.