Worried I'm spiralling into a serious depression

[Janos]

First off I know that title sounds wetter than wet and some folk will be rolling their eyes around (fair enough) but I would like to ask some advice.

Ok, some background. Sorry if things sound a bit disjointed.

Some posters will be aware of this already but last year I had to go through a court case to get residence of DS (5), who I absolutely love to bits.

This was a last resort action taken because of behaviour by XP. we had shared care sadly that was not working. Needless to say this was very draining and stressful.

Now, I have a couple of good friends up here (not loads, I am not the madly sociable type) but apart from that not too much practical support, as my family are around 100 miles away. Must add that they are lovely and very helpful.

I also work p-t. 30 hours a week, without giving too much detail though when I do work, I'm doing full time hours. Basically I;m up at 6.30 in the morning and back about six in the evening. It's exhausting.

The job isn't great pay and I get bit of a top up from tax credits, plus help with childcare. For various reasons the job is getting me down a lot. I'd like to move on but opportunities are limited where I am. Money is a worry. XP also refuses to pay maintenance, (CSA been involved, before you ask, useless bunch).

Now, XP has DS 2 nights a week currently which means I do get a chance to rest and time to myself, though I miss DS desperately when he's not here. Now I have always enjoyed getting out and about - used to just enjoy doing stuff. Now, I can barely be bothered to leave the house. I used to enjoy dating and now I can barely be bothered to even look at men because I think what is the point.

I'm also eating way too much as it feels like food is the only pleasure I have right now. Doesn't that sound just awful?

Now, I would normally be straight to docs as I believe ADs can be helpful in the right situation, and it's a good starting point of course.

However, last time I did this XP had it bought up in the court case to try and 'prove' I was some sort of mad depressive who wasn't fit to look after a child (I had bad PND). So I'm wary and scared of going back again as XP would love for me to mess up so he can get control of DS. This is not me being paranoid, he is entirely capable.

So what is the best way forward? I don't think I'm being the best mum I can be to DS right now because of this and to be honest I just feel utterly exhausted.

Blimey I sound very sorry for myself don't I! And that is not my normal mindset at all. I have had these feelings before and have come out the other side but now they are not going away.

My god what an essay! Anyway, any help and advice would be gratefully received at the moment. Thank you for listening.

carry on cleaning

Hi, Janos

Poor you. It's no wonder you're feeling depressed; you've been coping with a lot of stress for a very long time. In stressful situations, your body pumps out adrenalin: the fight-or-flight response, which is intended to heighten performance during a short, sharp attack. The adrenalin cuts down many everyday functions (like growing hair, digesting food and lots of other stuff) to free up more resources for running & fighting.

When the 'attack' continues for a lengthy period, you keep on producing more adrenalin. Eventually your brain notices the other systems aren't working. This looks to your brain like an emergency - and its emergency response is to produce more adrenalin! (Simplified somewhat, but I bet you're nodding.) So it continues ... A spiral, as you say.

When you're in this spiral, your performance in all areas becomes impaired. Even running & fighting lose out, because the supporting systems have been cut down for so long. For your best chance of healthy survival, the priority is to rebalance your systems: get everything working again and reduce the flood of stress hormones. There are four strands to this:

1. Use science to promote a healthier neural balance
2. Use relaxation techniques to reduce the stress response
3. Use social support to promote a sense of safety
4. Use exercise to dissipate the adrenalin

It is important to do all four. My breakdown, which happened after several years of being bullied at work and at home, was absolute - mental and physical. I couldn't walk or think. That's when I learned about how it happens! Unless you want to spend YEARS recovering, like me, it's advisable to take the risks to your health seriously and adopt all 4 approaches.

My antidepressants work with 3 different neurotransmitters: serotonin (the 'happy hormone'), noradrenalin ('satisfaction'), dopamine ('comfort'). You should discuss with your doctor what combinations are most likely to work for you.

Learn deep breathing & visualisation techniques to improve relaxation. Slow stretches also help. If you do yoga and meditation, so much the better. Laugh as often as possible: watch funny films, go to comedy shows, read funny books.

Gather friendly people around you. If this is truly impossible (I bet it isn't!), get yourself a counsellor. You need to feel accompanied & supported. If you're religious, go back to church.

Don't start running or thrashing the gym if you're under par. The stress response depletes resources - and will kick in yet again, if you push your body too hard. Let the adrenalin take you for long walks, go swimming or dance you round the living room.

Using ADs is not a sign of mental instability, it's the sign of a responsible adult taking reasonable care of her health! It worries me that that you felt threatened by this absurd accusation - you must already be in a state of severe stress, so please do take care of yourself with all four approaches.

Are you being bullied at work, too? Get away from there. (I didn't, and look at me!!) Take guidance from BullyOnline

You're not crazy, you're ground down. Get well.

Thank you everybody for taking the time to post on here with your support. Sorry I didn't reply last night but I went to bed early. Just as well after seeing the comments from MrsRigby..wonder what rattled her boat!

I'm actually feeling a bit more positive this morning as if there's been a little shift.

I'm going to make an appointment with the GP...it's a new GP (I moved house recently)so I hope they don't think oh here comes the crazy mad woman..and am going to speak to my line manager this week about reducing my hours at work which I think will be a good step.

I'm not being bullied at work but the atmosphere is miserable, stress, piles of work, people aren't happy.

I do really like walking so I'm going to make a point of getting out to walk when I can.

I can see people have put a lot of thought into these replies so thanks again.

Actually Grace dancing sounds like a good idea..I always like having a good dance! One of the things I used to enjoy

good luck with the GP appointment

this conversation worries me slightly as im in a similar postion as the op.

I've been to doctors and he's writing a report for my solicitor about my depression and says its caused by emotional abuse. I've been put on fluoxetine and given the option for counselling which im going to see about on monday.

I have a solicitors appointment on Thursday and im taking a log of the texts and their contents, including my replies to see if im able to get an injuction against him to stop him from sending all the abusive texts.

So what we're saying here is that he'l be able to use my depression in court against me even though it's caused by him emotionally torturing me?!!!

Umm, no. He can try and good luck to him!
Courts aren't that stupid.

Actually having read through again MrsRigsby I'd like to take issue with a couple of your comments on this thread.

I think at root you are coming from a point of trying to help..'a kick up the bum..', that kind of thinking, am I right?

Now I personally am not offended or distressed by your comments (I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here and assume that wasn't your aim) as I've come across this viewpoint before a great many times.

I have suffered from severe PND too and been suicidal. It's awful isn't it. Like being in a black pit.

Finally, your jibe about single mums is very uncalled for. Can I ask, why did you say that? because it strikes me very much as trying to kick someone when they're down and I wonder why you would want to do that?

Thank you AF

Frosty I've seen some of your posts on LP. Sorry if this has you worried. My situation was different to yours in that I went to court to get residence of DS. You are trying to get an injunction against your XP because of his abusive behaviour..is that right?

The court would put a lot of weight behind by your GPs comments, I think.

hey yeah sorry janos i should have mentioned that we've already been through the court system and i have residence of my ds with a resonable contact order. the reason's im going back to my solicitor is the abusive texts about me being a shit mother, putting myself first all the time, going out once a fortnight (!!) when exp has ds when i should be spending that money on ds, ds hates me and thinks im a crap mum, and the general constant wearing me down until i start believing him when i know none of its true, you only have to see my ds to know that he's amazing!

and the constant breaking of the contact order x

Yes I've seen a few of your posts on this Frosty. When are you attending court?

The fact you have a written report from your GP, in your support, speaks volumes. And you have a log of unreasonable behaviour/abusive texts don't you. I sincerely hope that you get your injunction.

Yes MrsRigby your comment about single parents was particularly below the belt and as if to say that having a man will make it all right! Pah!

Clearly you feel the need to trumpet your marital status thru your username - unless its a tongue in cheek joke!

Having a man is not the be all and end all. And how do you know you wont ever be a single parent.

Very offensive and unnecessary

Wonderful advice from Grace, a woman who's been there, done it and sorted herself out. She's been a great help to me as well I'd ignore MrsRigby, the jibe about single mums was totally uncalled for and is very revealing, I think she has an agenda.

Frosty, I'm sorry your ex is being so vile
but you mustn't worry about the court, they will be sympathetic. I was in a similar position to you, started to believe what my ex was telling me about being a crap mother,
alcoholic etc. It was emotional abuse (and years of it before that as well) and you will escape his clutches.

Glad you're feeling more positive today Janos, I think you just need to get your mojo back and doing stuff like dancing will help! Meditation is great too, I practice every night and it's like going to a sanctuary at the end of each and every day.

I like the idea about meditation! Sounds very 'peaceful'.

Grace I've just read your wonderful post back and it looks like you put a lot of thought and time into it. What you say really does make sense.

I found it extremely helpful - and positive! Thank you. Lots of good ideas in there.

Yes Janos, meditation is wondeful. I'm naturally a very lively person and it takes quite a lot to still my mind but I took to it like a duck to water. I plug in my earphones, listen to something soothing and ambient and off I go. There are lots of things you can download to get you started.

can you give us some links Sparky?

I think I need that too.

shocking comments there from mrsrigby
i do hope that you will think before you post next time

Thank you asbm and scl

janos - im just seeing my solicitor for the first time on thursday for this, the initial court proceedings ending almost 2 years ago and ive had sporadic bouts of exp being nice/randomly asking for sex (which i obviously refused), and threatening me if he doesnt get his own way. He regularly asks me to be a "family" with him, then literally days later he's mr horrible again, using our ds as a tool to get to me. He basically f with my head and gets pleasure out of it!

So tour situation is that you worry that he will take you back to court if you get help for being depressed - could his attitude towards you, and the stree he's putting you under not be a contributing factor of how you feel?xx

Sparkybint i really hope you're right, I can't imagine going through this until ds is an adult!! makes you feel incredibly helpless x

stree = stress

I don't think he will take me back to court Frosty - just if he gets wind of things I worry (maybe irrationally) he would try to use it against me. He is the type who has to 'win at all costs' iyswim. Must admit I prefer to keep contact to minimum and unlike your XP he is at least civil/pleasant in public (as I suspect he knows how it would look if he wasn't!)

Lots of sympathy as your XP sounds just awful. I have a lovely friend in a similar situation - I can't go into details here but he is a really nasty piece of work.

it just astounds me that some people may use getting help for depression against you, surely it shows we're trying to get out of it to improve our lives and our children's, whether we use medication or not

I agree Frosty, but that was just my experience. Yours, hopefully, will very different. Don't be put off by what I've posted here!

I've had s lightly better day today but still have that awful 'sinking' feeling. Will be making appt tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone for lovely posts.

a slightly better day, I mean.

how are you today, janos

made that appt ?