iI am leaving but starting to wobble

[shamsham]

Okay so I posted here about my partner who has sadly degenerated into an abusive psycho in part thru years of drink and drug abuse. On one of my threads I got a fair bit of well meanibg but harsh advice which hurt at the time but I know were you were all coming from.
So an opportunity has arisen for me to pack the kids up and go whilst he attends weekend binge work conference next week.

I will be travelling over six hundred miles to escape with whatever i can manage to cram into the car .

I keep thinking this is being over dramatic but its the only way. I asked him to leave after xmas and he said he would but then I got the wobbles. I know that I will fall for the little boy lst act if I stay here. I have no support where I am now.

Do what it takes. Worry later, after you regain control of your own mind

You have the plan - you have the opportunity - well done you! Buy a little Freedom flag to flutter on your car, as you speed to safety.

You won't regret doing it.

Yeah so I need you all to tell me I'm doing the right thing and talk me thru the practicalities.

he is an alcholic
he is adiccted to cannabis
he routinely sulks
he does not speak ever only shouts and roars
he is horrible to all dcs at times particuarly dc age 9 who has adhd
he favours the kids depending on his mood and who wants to scratch his back
he is an ex cocaine addict also
he is obsessed with getting revenge on a fellow loon he used to be friends with he was chased down the street with an axe by said loon recently.

thanks grace x post

You are doing the right thing. Of course.

Are you going to family?

What papers do you need?
Bank accounts?
School for dcs?

Those are the priorities as far as practicalities that i can imagine. Like Grace said, everything else can wait assuming you have enough cash to make sure there's petrol in the car to keep going and put food on the table when you get there.

Good luck. Just focus on the relief of being away.

do it, think of your children.
do you want them to grow up with such man?

other things:
has never ever cleaned anything
has cooked less then ten times in ten years
expects his clothes left ready for him when he wakes ( in the afternoon)
I am shite at house work and I dont give a crap this leads him to assassinate every aspext of my character
reguarly gropes me and degrades me during sex ie spitting at me when I've told him I hate that,
when he is not iat work he is either asleep or sitting on his butt watching jeremy kyle

yeah I know its all shit. I am going to where my family are but they might not be the best supoport but better than nowt.
my mothers idea of help is to say 'well its a bit late now that you have dcs'

No greater pleasure, Sham

Look, the fact that you feel you have to do a flit says everything that needs to be said. Even if he didn't do all those skanky things above, it would still say everything about how your life is, and your kids' lives. Be proud!

Packing might well be a nightmare, since it's presumably a bad idea to do all the laundry & child preparation you normally might for a long trip. Pack your documents now, and leave them somewhere safe - or post them, recorded delivery, to where you're going. For the 'things', you'll have to make a list in your mind (or at work, if poss) - then get as close as you can to packing it, on the day. Don't worry about stuff being clean or folded, just shove it in & go.

Don't tell the kids.

Try not to seem unfeasibly cheerful at home this week!

my two eldest dc are always begging to move home to my mothers..eldest wants to leave daddy behind the other wants him to come but hes only just started messing with said childs head whereas he has been at it for years with eldest.

House is in dreadful state so am going on a big cleaning/dumping binge on the pretence of making it nice for him

Just sending you some moral support, you are doing the right thing. It will be tough, but you will get through.

Aha, clever Sham
Happy "cleaning" ...

oh does any one know if i present at my local housing office as fleeing from abuse will they take my word for it or do I need evidence?

As others have commented here make sure you have important documents - passports, birth certificates, bank statements, savings books etc. etc.

Your family may not be the best bet long term but you know they love you and will, I am sure, help as much as they are able. Hopefully you will also have some old mates in that area which will be good for you.

Get away from this monster. He is not only horrible to you but to your children. Cut him out of your life completely. Of course he has rights to see the kids (use an intermediary) but sounds like ultimately he won't even bother. He will use the kids at the beginning to either try to get you to return or upset you but my take on this is that it won't last.

Do not return to him ever. Good luck. You will look back one day and wish you'd left sooner.

You are doing this not only for yourself, but also for your children. Being single, even without much support, is a million times better than what you and your DCs are living with now. Good luck and you know that there will always be loads of support here for you x

What's available seems to depend on the local council. No, they don't need 'evidence' - you're fleeing, after all!

yeah deffo doing this for the kids as like many in abusive r/ships I feel responible for him in some way . he had a seriously abusive childhood,vv toxic family but ya know what : not my problem!

If local housing office can't give you immediate housing, there is always the option of private rented and housing benefits.

I think you, the kids and your bags will be evidence enough. They might be able to find you a hostel to stay at on the same night. But if not I'm sure they'll tell you where else you can go for help. Turn up early in the morning.

... which is the better option IME. Depends whether you can stay with family while sorting it out.

thanks for all ur responses people

does anyone know how long it will take for benefits to be sorted? Am currently outside the uk, but a british citizen. hopefully have enough cash for a couple of weeks.

Yes, darling - do this first, then attend to everything else afterwards.

This seems to be a decisive step towards starting to look after yourself and put you, and your kids, first. Here's to it being only one of many more.

Wishing you strength and courage ... and a smooth trip!

They can do emergency loans. Can't remember what the proper name for them is; they come out of the Social Fund. My

Ring women's aid first and get yourselves a refuge place arranged.

If your mother is anything less than 100% supportive then you will struggle, you're unlikely to be given priority for long term housing and you may end up uncertain about where you are going to sleep from night to night.

If you have a refuge place organised then they will help you to sort out benefits, work with you and with your children to help work out your feelings towards the situation.

You will also become a priority for long term housing and get assistance to access this.

my mother will definitely let me stay with her in the interim,and from what I know about the local council they should be able to get me a tempory place if not then I will try and get a refuge place. I intend to call the dv help line as soon as I am out

Woul d there b a refuge in he area you're fleeing to? They would also be abl e to provide appropiate support. Good luck. There's a useful list on the wa site ' used it when packing to flee