iI am leaving but starting to wobble

[shamsham]

Okay so I posted here about my partner who has sadly degenerated into an abusive psycho in part thru years of drink and drug abuse. On one of my threads I got a fair bit of well meanibg but harsh advice which hurt at the time but I know were you were all coming from.
So an opportunity has arisen for me to pack the kids up and go whilst he attends weekend binge work conference next week.

I will be travelling over six hundred miles to escape with whatever i can manage to cram into the car .

I keep thinking this is being over dramatic but its the only way. I asked him to leave after xmas and he said he would but then I got the wobbles. I know that I will fall for the little boy lst act if I stay here. I have no support where I am now.

god my spelling and typing is horrible. Too stressed!

The nearest refuge is about 10 miles away from where I hope to be housed. So as regards to the school I want to get dc into it could be awkward.

aarghh! Cat keeps typing!

Ok, the problem with getting housing benefit on a private rental is that the landlord has to wait a couple of months for the council to start paying him, and they don't stump up for the deposit. If you can afford to rent a place off your own bat and then apply for HB, it works more smoothly. Many landlords/agencies automatically reject tenants on benefits (insane IMO, the rent's guaranteed!) so this will all very much depend on where you are.

Where I live, one of the letting agencies actually specialises in lettings to tenants on benefits so that was a godsend. You should try to get a benefits adviser assigned to you - they vary in quality (basically, if they make everything sound like a problem they're not very good), but at least you'll find out what forms you need to fill in.

A better option for benefits advice is the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB). Again, how quickly you can get an appointment depends on where you are.

You can also look into refuges. They're all right these days, though obviously quite an emotional environment. Start by phoning Women's Aid.

Get a social worker assigned to you as quickly as possible. Once you're getting social care (or whatever it's called), you will then have access to unbiased advisers who can help you with all this stuff.

As well as the emergency loans, Social Fund has money it can give out for buying necessities when you move in. You don't get much tbh, but mine was enough for me; I got everything from Freecycle and Ebay.

You will qualify for at least jobseeker's allowance, child benefits, housing & taxes. Hardly a fortune but you can live on it
Best to bring all your financial, tax & pension stuff with you - there are reciprocal agreements with EU countries, but I don't know what they are. It's even possible you might get more for a while, if social benefits in your country of residence are better.

You normally have to wait about 3 weeks to get any money. But they do have those emergency loans.

Make sure your car is legal & insured for the UK. The last thing you need is a bloody great traffic fine!

oops, redundant advice. sorry.

no not at all grace, my information is gleaned from internet etc so its nice to hearRL advice

as regards to social workers- I'm a bit after reading some of the threads on here. Do they actually ever help people?

Yeah, the problem is they have so much paperwork, they don't get a chance to do their job! For paperwork advice, though - good

do you know any thing about getting my car legel in the uk grace?

legal

I know you don't have much money and are abroad but if you look around the internet you may find a reasonable priced courier to send some stuff back like that with your paperwork.

Roof rack and roof box?

have actually got a v. reasonable quote for storage and eventual shipment but have to wait till monday to confirm hoe much I need to pay in advance. have a big enough car so should be able to bring a fair bit with me

I think with cars it's about getting UK road tax and insurance as residing in the UK. I don't know if he is still living at your current address I wouldn't make it a priority as you can drive it over here on your current insurance etc as a visitor/tourist. Have it on your list to do but I wouldn't worry about it if it has to wait a month IYSWM

cool thanks.Was afraid of another expense when I get there.

Car: Can't find relevant info on a quick search, so from memory:
~Thingummies to stick on the headlights, if your car is left-hand drive (makes the lights shine to the left)
~Nationality sticker
~Insurance that is valid in the UK (minimum £400 fine if caught without it - or a ban & impoundment). Either buy short-term insurance (3rd party) from a UK company or get a green card from your current insurer
~Registration documents & driving licence, natch

I think you get 6 months to sort things out properly, apart from the above. Your insurance company probably does a holiday pack for trips over here.

shamsham, you are one brave lady! Good for you, you are doing the right thing.

We're all here for you, anything you need, that we can help you with, just holler?

Car again: I've just realised that buying a holiday pack is a really dumb idea, because they'll send it to your house! OK, ask a family member to get you cheap 3rd-party deal from a UK company. If your car is new, it might have switchable lights - if not, they sell those stickers at the ports. You can also get your nationality sticker at the port.

Saw your earlier post about accommodation.
It is true that many councils will decide you don't need housing if you can stay with family. There are plenty of ways around this, however (I escaped incarceration at my Mum's because it was bad for my mental health).
I think you need to speak to some DV specialists before getting a picture of the best approach.

Phew!

I have a friend who used to work for the relevant housing dept, prior to having dc so have a few tips from her re avoiding the intentionally homeless scenario.
Do wa/refuge have out reach workers if I dont need to go to a refuge.

FWIW I dont feel brave . I feel terrified. I feel (stupidly) like I am betraying DP, letting him down, robbing him of his family. My heart physically aches at leaving my beautiful home, the beautiful place I live in etc.

But its time for head over heart. I'll deal with the emotions later I guess.
I gave him chance after chance, made excuse after excuse.
if he had even made one effort re addiction/depression, then I would stay nearby but i have to make a fresh start for me and dc

I know, it's so difficult isn't it? I hear you re the beautiful home, etc. Also, you build up this life together and - because it looks OK to outsiders, it becomes your life. Even though "that life" is a lie.

I'm not like you, Sham - but I can tell you my life is better, now, than it was then. I used to have a great home, lots of beautiful things, an exciting lifestyle and all. Now I live a lonely little life, in a sweet but shabby place, surrounded by second-hand things and can't afford to be exciting. You know what? I'm content. This feeling is completely new to me. I used to be always somewhat anxious; always checking my words before I spoke; always tired; always wondering what was 'right' or acceptable; always hurting inside; often lonely; rarely understood; never comfortable.
What I have now is better. It really is!
Plus, it's a beginning.

I grew up in a home where 'content' was impossible. I shared my adult life with people who made 'content' impossible. By taking your children to a new beginning, you can save them from growing up to be like me.

If you read through ALL the archives in this forum, you would not find even one woman who said she regretted leaving a horrible partner.

Remember to get that little flag

Grace thanks again
will log out now
Have a lot of uh cleaning to do

Most refuges have an out reach worker, if you ring your local womens aid they will be able to put you in touch with her. Totally worth it as they know all the things that have to be done.

I know exactly how you are feeling, it is terrifying. You are lucky to be able to go over the weekend. I packed to flee with xh at home as he was jobless. We pretended we were out to lunch at afriends and came here with 6 blue tesco bags and apushchair.

I will never regret leaving.
good luck, you are a brave lady

sham, I don't remember your other thread

but the lists you made there leave me in no doubt whatsoever that you are doing the right thing

please don't feel sorry for him...he is a victim of his own wrongdoing. You are not doing this to punish him...you are saving yourself and your dc's

what jumped out at me is how horrible he is to the children

even if women cannot get out for their own self esteem...you have to for the sake of your children

this is black and white to me

no grey areas,,,"he can change, I feel sorry for him, he is a good dad sometimes..."

treating children badly is the end of the road

full stop

Can't ofer any practical help - but your first reason on your list is more than enough! Anyone with any experience of alchoholics will understand this!

Your children will be much better off in the long run - witnessing all that they witness will seriously screw them up, long term.

Good luck, be strong!

just over a year ago i was in a simular situation. i left with near to nothing & stayed with my sister who lived over 200 miles away. once there get an appointment at your job centre, if you have any kids under 7 you will be entitle to income support & of course your normal child benefit & child tax credits which will change given the situation. get yourself down the council, if you are homeless they have to house you within something like 60 days or less but they prob will offer you a scummy place. get help from womens aid, they will help you get in contact with people & get what you need. it did'nt take long for my money to get sorted, couple of weeks i think from when i went to job centre. if your feeling anything like me then your be shitting yourself but belive me its worth it.
i rent private & in some places they have a scheme called a rent deposit scheme where the council sort of pay your deposit but as someone said it does take the council a couple of months to get their arse into gear & this can be a bit stressful. hope it all goes well for you & good luck!

good luck.you can do it.be brave.we are all thinking of you.

thanks for all your messages of support. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or the doubt starts to niggle, reading messages of encouragement and from those who have been through it really help to strengthen my resolve

Anyfucker:
no grey areas,,,"he can change, I feel sorry for him, he is a good dad sometimes..."

Have been thru that cycle many times and I see now that if someone can be nice sometimes then they could choose to be nice all the time but he choses not to.

Whilst there are a huge amount of reasons behind his behaviour, they are not excuses.
They were present before we met and will be there when I'm gone; if he decides to seek help it will be for his own benefit not mine