To leave or not to leave ... what should I do?

[scarlotti]

Brief background - dh and I together for 7.5 years, married 2.5 of them, 2dc's together (4 and 3 months) and one dc from my previous life (15)
Right from the start I've been the one who organises everything, pays for most of it, has the positive outlook etc. I'm the main breadwinner which is fine, but I'm also the one who does the majority at home and with the child care.
He socialises with work mates but not really with me. If I manage to get him to agree to go out with friends or for us all to do something as a family it's like pulling teeth, and then he eventually agrees but all the obstacles leave a sour taste on what we then do, if that makes sense.
His family background is the traditional sahm and dad bringing in the bacon, mine was being raised by a single mum.
For both of my maternity breaks, I've had to save up the money to take time off, so have been contracting to earn a better salary. Flip side though is the jobs are never more then 6 months long so stress comes as part of the package.
Got the chance to get a permie job for a decent wage but will mean a drop in lifestyle (along the lines of make lunches rather than buy) - his response was that would increase his stress
He basically wants the lovely life/house/holidays etc. but isn't prepared to work himself to get it.
Have had a few problems, incl. 2 m/c, over the past year or two and had no support from him. If I'm ever sick, he's sicker iykwim.

I know nobody is perfect but shouldn't a marriage be a partnership? Shouldn't the support be forthcoming if one party needs it?
Friends and family think he takes the mick.

How do you know whether it's right to leave or not, and create the inevitable upheaval for the dc's? My dd does more around the house than he, and is resenting it, and I don't want my ds' growing up thinking that men just sit around and watch tv all day.

Sorry this is a bit rambly and not well put together - hopefully the gist of it all comes across though.

well, I'm not going to beat about the bush

get rid of the cocklodger

you did ask

I agree with AF

If having to make rather than buy lunch would raise his stress levels,I think taking the mick is far too polite a way to descibe him.

I did ask, thanks.
There was me thinking that I'd be told that things weren't that bad.

If you are ever sick,he is sicker, ikexactlywym and behaviour like that is beyond juvenile and gets progressively worse.

You are basically carrying him cos he can't be arsed to contribute to your family

Would he try counselling? Does he suffer from depression? I think if it's possible to stay together you should at least give it a go. Being raised by a single mother you know the challenges you face. And then ultimately it comes down to whether life would be better with or without him.

doubleinstructions - that's one of my fears. If I have to do so much now, what will it be like in say 30 years time when he gets ill from old age and then I have to take care of him even more. Would be different if I'd had 30 years of him doing his fair share.

Currently, he tells me he's tired. This is because he now has to get up at 7am every morning with Ds1 as I do the nights with DS2. He is in the spare room so he gets a full night's sleep - but will still go back to bed at a weekend to catch up.
The fact I'm up twice in the night makes no difference as to who gets to go and nap.

better without

I would definitely take the permanent job. I would either leave or if you are in two minds you could layout that you want him to contribute with a set timeframe for him to buck up his ideas.

jabberwocky - we've been to counselling before but he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong really. We're waiting for a relate slot to open up so am thinking that might be a last shot to see what can change. He's been like this though the whole 7 years so am not overly optimistic.
He's on ad's as I was so fed up with his low energy levels - been on them 9 months now so this current level is with medical help.

The resentment in me is starting to build. We have conversations around every 6 months or so about how much I do and how little he does, he promises to do more and it never happens.
It's lip service and I think it's finally sinking in that this is always how it will be.

nips - I will be taking the job regardless as it will improve my life/work balance no end.
If it were just me I'd be off, no questions. It's DS1 that stops me as they have a close relationship. Stupid as I brought DD up on my own for 9 years and we did great together.

I think, really, you should get shot of him. And get him out of the house, you shouldn't have to leave.

Sorry to be so blunt but he is totally taking the piss.

but would you rather DS1 has the image of a father / man / husband being a lazy so and so sponging off his wife, or a productive parent contributing and being responsible - albeit alone....

It doesn't mean never seeing his dad, just lessening the rubbish role-model-input he has

Your ds's are learning exactly that and your dd is being shown that you accept this treatment. Nobody is perfect but 7 years!!

they can still have a close relationship

it's just that you wouldn't be obliged to continue carrying him

he is worse than a child...at least your own dc's are willing to muck in and acknowledge you can't do it all by yourself

scarlotti, how sad for you . It must feel really crap and I wish you well whatever you choose.

I would really recommend seeing an experienced couples counsellor ... on your own.

I was having trouble in my marriage years ago, and could not get my DH to see what was going on. So I went on my own to see a wonderful experienced woman counsellor.

I went in the first time, and she started by asking me what the problem was, and I poured out all my anger/hurt/frustration. I was expecting her to say yes, your partner is a s**t and let's talk about what you should do.

But instead she totally threw me and said he's not here you are so let's talk about you. Why did you choose a guy who was so totally not there for you?

And thus began a fantastic journey. I learned so much, about myself and him, and came to understand that no matter where you go there you are -- meaning that no matter what you do you have to be with yourself, so start there.

Either you live with him or leave him, but whichever it is you have to address why you got together, had two kids, and married this guy, and put up with this for so long.

And in time DH saw the changes in me, and came to understand how serious I was and he started coming to see her too separately -- to deal with his stuff. It was very rewarding and successful for us.

(I am still married, happily, and we went on to have two lovely lads.)

Good luck to you

GochaGocha thats a variation on my dfs favourite saying; you always go to sleep alone.

Sad but true Double. You can't run away from yourself.

You also cannot change anyone else, you can only work on you. And I learned for myself that that can be surprisingly powerful.

If you don't love/respect yourself, you are not likely to expect others to love/respect you, which everyone should! He's not respecting her, or acting like an adult even, but she is going to have a struggle to get him to change by telling him to, if her behaviour is sending an opposite signal.

It's kind of a 'fake it till you make it' thing. Act as if you expect people to behave in a certain way, and they actually may.

Gocha , that's made me think a bit.

GochaGocha is right,people (all people) treat you the way you allow them to and it is so easy to get stuck in patterns and behaviours that we know are wrong.

WHile counselling isn't the answer to everything, it is worth asking yourself why you have put up with this lazy cocklodger for seven years. Is he gorgeous? A great shag? Or were you taught early on that any man is better than no man and therefore if you catch one you should be prepared to do anything to keep him?
What does he bring to your family life?

Very glad you're taking the job, scarlotti

Gocha's right in that you have to look after yourself - and that means really love your self. DH isn't contributing much to family life anyway, so let him go his own sweet way while you create your own path. If you shift your focus away from him, it won't make any difference to how often he complains but it will set your mind free to be more constructive.

Caveats:
Your marriage is a poor model for your DCs
Too much yelling, insulting or sulking means "chuck him out"
Friends & family should be listened to - how bad do they say it is?

Thanks for all the really great advice.

Gotcha, you've made some really interesting points. I am just about starting to realise that I'm worth quite a bit actually which is having the knock on effect that I deserve more than this.

Solid, my Mum was definitely in the camp of any man is better and I suspect that's what I've grown up believing. I keep asking what he brings - he is funny and helps out when he wants to. I've put up with it in the hope that things will change but it's obvious he's never going to be what I need. I think he needs someone who's happy with the traditional lifestyle and will be content with doing little in life.
I want more - we only get one shot and I want to sit on my rocker when I'm old and grey with heaps of stories to bore my grandkids with!
I think if he did yell and shout, or was abusive or something then I'd find it easier to walk away. It's almost like it's not quite wrong enough - but maybe then I'm just worried what people might think.

Friends and family think he's lazy and that I'm being taken for a mug.
The model for my dc's is the major issue for me.

Do you love him? You've never said.