To leave or not to leave ... what should I do?

[scarlotti]

Brief background - dh and I together for 7.5 years, married 2.5 of them, 2dc's together (4 and 3 months) and one dc from my previous life (15)
Right from the start I've been the one who organises everything, pays for most of it, has the positive outlook etc. I'm the main breadwinner which is fine, but I'm also the one who does the majority at home and with the child care.
He socialises with work mates but not really with me. If I manage to get him to agree to go out with friends or for us all to do something as a family it's like pulling teeth, and then he eventually agrees but all the obstacles leave a sour taste on what we then do, if that makes sense.
His family background is the traditional sahm and dad bringing in the bacon, mine was being raised by a single mum.
For both of my maternity breaks, I've had to save up the money to take time off, so have been contracting to earn a better salary. Flip side though is the jobs are never more then 6 months long so stress comes as part of the package.
Got the chance to get a permie job for a decent wage but will mean a drop in lifestyle (along the lines of make lunches rather than buy) - his response was that would increase his stress
He basically wants the lovely life/house/holidays etc. but isn't prepared to work himself to get it.
Have had a few problems, incl. 2 m/c, over the past year or two and had no support from him. If I'm ever sick, he's sicker iykwim.

I know nobody is perfect but shouldn't a marriage be a partnership? Shouldn't the support be forthcoming if one party needs it?
Friends and family think he takes the mick.

How do you know whether it's right to leave or not, and create the inevitable upheaval for the dc's? My dd does more around the house than he, and is resenting it, and I don't want my ds' growing up thinking that men just sit around and watch tv all day.

Sorry this is a bit rambly and not well put together - hopefully the gist of it all comes across though.

lucky, I am happy to be told IABU

But not driving is no excuse.

I mean, he could take over the house, get the children to school, do all washing, cleaning, cooking, household and financial organisation.

I do all of this and more as DH works. I can drive but DH takes the car to work so I don't have it. Doesn't mean I can't do things.

Of course it is difficult in terms of what he can do to bring money in, but a decent person would be pulling their weight in other ways just to prove they can, IYSWIM. If he doesn't care enough to even do that, then you've got no chance I'm afraid. Just because he isn't working, doesn't mean he can sit on his arse all day. If he wanted to prove something, or make an effort, or be a fucking man, he would be cleaning and sorting and organising and sorting children.

Pfft - you've misunderstood, he does work full time as do I, but I earn the bulk of the money. We contribute different amounts due to difference in earnings but he keeps how much he has quiet and ended up with more spare cash after putting in the pot than I did. His worry when I wanted to take the permanent job was that our lifestyle would be compromised - i.e. I'd be bringing in a bit less and so he might have to put in a bit more.

As for the support, I don't think he knows how to do it and so puts his head in the sand instead.

Shouldn't all money go in and out of the same pot??
As for not knowing how to support,I know we all have different behaviours due to upbringing and such,but adults really should know the basics. Pretending not to have any common sense is unacceptable ffs.

FFS! He's a leech! He's not only skiving off his share of the housework, he's keeping his money to spend on himself and expecting you to pick up the slack. He is fundamentally expecting you to look after him because, well, he's a man and he thinks that you should just accommodate him because otherwise you might end p single or something.

SGB you misunderstand me slightly. I was saying I wanted to balance all the advice to leave without looking back. Things got bad slowly, they get better slowly so give it enough time.

Patience is one thing but my advice would always be if a man is hitting/drinking/gambling/cheating, get out with all speed.

sgb, there is one thing I have realised from your posts

if my DH fucked up (and there is as much chance of him fucking up, as anybody else), I would rather be single

in fact, I would fucking embrace it

Amen, AF. That's the very lesson I wish I'd learned (instead of all this woolly bollocks) much earlier. Decades earlier, in fact. There weren't any relationship forums then, though

There's a difference between a slight assertiveness imbalance, and being shafted by your so-called life partner.

grace, yes

MN taught me that

I didn't realise it before, so I kinda understand how many people didn't (and don't)

what I find difficult is when people don't listen to good advice

but that is another thread....

AF: I have had my share of rubbish from men, honest. I have just been lucky enough never to actually marry or live with one.

ANd no, that doesn't mean I think all men are cocklodgers and abusers. But some are.

sgb, we are the same in that respect

I too have had rubbish from men

I am married, but I chose a seriously good one, you know the type that have been very well brought up by their mums to be caring, kind, muck in and respect their wife and family in every way...

if he stopped doing that...well, I would know what to do

when I was 20...maybe not

AF sadly I'm 35 so should know better I have been a single mum in the past and did a bloody good job of it, DD is great.
It's the DS' that are making me hesitate but at the same time, I don't want them growing up thinking this is the norm. I don't want their future partners berating me for running around so much after them they do little to help.
Being single is not an issue, but I do need to make sure that I can rest easy knowing I did all I could to change things.
I'm going to use the relate sessions we are on the list for to go through all of this, if for no other reason that to make sure I don't repeat this later on in life.

We've been out tonight, for the first time in ages. I instigated it as I'm fed up of our social nights out being seperate.
I think a relationship should be where you actively want to spend time with your partner enjoying their company ... call me old fashioned. Friends we met are obviously better suited as that was evident between them. Just highlights what's wrong.

Anyway, 3 halves of cider and I'm tipsy as not really drunk since baby was born so I'll sign off now, but want to say thanks for all the advice. It is being taken on board.

good luck scarlotti x

my musing was aimed at sgb and although relevant to this thread, was not a criticism of you

I hope you understand that

Good night S and good luck.

Your story really moved me and I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well in weeks/months to come.

AF - no criticsm taken. I appreciate the frankness you show in your posts. I have also had my share of rubbish men ... hopefully I might now have realised this enough to change the future landscape.

GG - thanks, it's so nice to hear the positive alternative to upping and leaving.