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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he entitled to my generosity or am I a fool?

60 replies

nevernever · 26/01/2010 13:54

Brief back story

DP has been unreasonable in many ways and over many years - mostly controlling behaviour. This he has recognised and apologised for, vowed to change but although there are improvements, he still is 'difficult' sometimes.

As a result, my feelings have changed. I no longer trust or feel close to him and I don't want sex with him and I have told him I don't see a future for us together.

He is upset/annoyed but has agreed to move as soon as he has some money (he doesn't work ATM and my small income is just about keeping us afloat) I admit I resent the fact he isn't working but have agreed I will give him some time.

However, he still complains I show him no affection/want to have sex and this seems to be his main point of concern. I have pointed out my reasons for this and don't think he should be making an issue or creating bad feeling regarding my feelings towards him now.

I don't want him because he has treated me badly. I have agreed to let him stay long enough to sort himself out. Surely I'm not expected to put up with him blaming me for making him feel 'unwanted'?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2010 13:58

I don't like the word 'fool' when you are in a cycle of abuse/control. He is still trying to control you.

It sounds like you have broken a little free emotionally - perhaps time now to get rid of the leeching scumbag cocklodger?

You owe him nothing (apart from maybe a kick in the arse when you boot him out).

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 13:58

Another point which I forgot to mention is that he will masturbate fairly freely around me (within earshot-not within sight) to bring my attention to the fact he is frustrated and I should know about it! Horrid, and I have told him so!

OP posts:

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 14:00

Thanks Laurie, I KNOW I am much less emotionally attached than I once was and it makes the decision much easier for me but not for him I guess.

OP posts:

Ohdeariamstuck · 26/01/2010 14:02

You don't have to let him stay in order to feel you are a decent human, it isn't your job and is giving him the wrong idea - entirely his own fault I might add - that you don't really want him gone.

If this continues he will never get that money together, he is a manipulative knob and you need to specify that he has to go NOW or if not now, within 2 weeks.

Seriously - be very very clear about this. You have no other choice.

What a git btw
You are so doing the right thing.

Malificence · 26/01/2010 14:02

Buy him a fleshlight for his frustration and while you're at it, get yourself an enormous and noisy vibrator to drown out the sound of him wanking!

It will send him the message that you still want sex but not with him.

He sounds charming btw.

Good luck in getting rid of him.

Ohdeariamstuck · 26/01/2010 14:03

Oh my good lord,
get him out
NOW

that's made me feel quite ill.

Surely he has a friend he could stay with briefly or a mum or something

he sounds totally repulsive.

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 14:05

I did have a very noisy vibrator and he broke it so I couldn't use it! I wasn't allowed sex alone! Get the idea?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2010 14:09

He wanks within earshot of a woman who is not interested in him.

he is a FUCKER get rid of him

don't dilly-dally too long otherwise you will start to think men wanking in earshot to guilt you into sex is normal. It's not!

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 14:12

Laurie - I know it isn't normal and I have made my views loud and clear but he still seems to think I might relent and find it exciting! No I will not!

He says he is sick of me recoiling every time he comes near me. Why doesn't it sink in? I have been feeling this way for about 3/4 weeks now.

OP posts:

Malificence · 26/01/2010 14:14

AAhh, he sees sexual pleasure as a purely male need then - he truly is a wanker.

Give him a fortnight/a month to get out - he wants you to show affection when you've more or less told him you hate his guts? He's thick skinned, Ill give him that ( or he could just be deluded).

TheUsefulSuspect · 26/01/2010 14:15

Give him a week to find somewhere else.

Stop messing around

ChickensLoveMarmite · 26/01/2010 14:18

Agree with the others. Give him a time frame, and stick to it. Oh, and the next time he starts having a loud, attention grabbing wank, call his mother. Then leave the phone near by.

Flightattendant · 26/01/2010 14:19

He sounds vile,

you need to act because he is NOT LISTENING and will stay forever if you don't change the locks, etc

he does not take the hint because he can't renounce his control (as he sees it)

hope he doesn't get nasty once it sinks in...do you have support?

Make sure he does not have access to any keys to copy,
passwords etc

just cover your back in every possible way and if all else fails, call the police. I think they can remove him for you.

Malificence · 26/01/2010 14:22

I'd be inclined to get a recording of a baby crying or something equally annoying, then put it on full blast to put him off his stroke - just what does he do that is sooo loud you can hear him in another room?

Flightattendant · 26/01/2010 14:25

does anyone remember when we all rang up paypal to hear their seeming recording of a bloke jerking off? It was hysterical

They changed the noise after that, sounds more like a conveyor belt now.

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 14:58

He has just been out for an hour and come back with £100, which he has offered me. I don't know where he got it from so I don't want to take it even though I am desperate for money. He really is a controlling arse!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2010 15:03

oh please, why is this man-child under your feet ?

if he were a dog you would have him put down

seriously, why are you giving him housespace ?

throw him out with the rubbish

< despairs >

AnyFucker · 26/01/2010 15:04

and if he were a dog, you would get its knackers removed...

it's the kind thing to do

MorrisZapp · 26/01/2010 16:45

He is entitled to jack shit.

I think you need to have a very decisive word with him as he doesn't seem to understand that you have ended the relationship with him.

Do you have any family or friends who can help you to eject him from your home?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/01/2010 16:51

Well look he has some money now, he can get out! That's enough for a night or two in a B&B, what's stopping him?

He sounds utterly vile btw, if it was an acquaintance insisting on masturbating within earshot, you would rightly think it was tantamount to flashing. Well, that's your relationship with him now, you owe him nothing.

Bet you will feel amazing when this dirty, untrustworthy, controlling ratbag is out of your space.

Flightattendant · 26/01/2010 17:37

Ring police and tell them you found this stranger wanking in your house.

that'll sort it

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 18:24

Elephants...Yes he does have £100 and anyone who really wanted to move away from an intolerable situation, would do so. He on the other hand, wouldn't consider this enough money for his needs and actually, as I type this, he's gone out to buy booze! He needs a drink he says.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Should I have taken the money from him, regardless of where he got it? I'm sick of scrimping and making do. Our life could have been so much better if we'd had a joint income.

OP posts:

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/01/2010 20:13

Exactly nevernever, when you say in your OP that he "has agreed to move as soon as he has some money" you and he both know that it's meaningless. He might as well say he'll move out when he bloody well feels like it (i.e. probably never). Well you've seen it for yourself now - he is not going to move out until you make him. Do you want him to go, really really? Because you can make him.

Is it your house? Do you pay bills/mortgage etc? If so you can just give him say til Friday to find himself somewhere to go, and look forward to a weekend without him trying to impose his unwanted wank-noises on you.

Can't believe he's got you wondering whether you are being overly harsh on him. Quite the opposite, just look at the consensus here!

PinkFluffyslippers · 26/01/2010 20:19

He's a tosser - show him the door.

Original poster

nevernever · 26/01/2010 22:25

Elephants- Yes it is my house and yes I do pay the bills now he isn't working. He has contributed previously but has no savings and absolutely nowhere to go. I really, really do want him to leave though as he has no respect for me whatsoever. Is now necking his 1.5 ltr of wine!

OP posts:

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