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Original poster

Is he entitled to my generosity or am I a fool?

60 replies

nevernever · 26/01/2010 13:54

Brief back story

DP has been unreasonable in many ways and over many years - mostly controlling behaviour. This he has recognised and apologised for, vowed to change but although there are improvements, he still is 'difficult' sometimes.

As a result, my feelings have changed. I no longer trust or feel close to him and I don't want sex with him and I have told him I don't see a future for us together.

He is upset/annoyed but has agreed to move as soon as he has some money (he doesn't work ATM and my small income is just about keeping us afloat) I admit I resent the fact he isn't working but have agreed I will give him some time.

However, he still complains I show him no affection/want to have sex and this seems to be his main point of concern. I have pointed out my reasons for this and don't think he should be making an issue or creating bad feeling regarding my feelings towards him now.

I don't want him because he has treated me badly. I have agreed to let him stay long enough to sort himself out. Surely I'm not expected to put up with him blaming me for making him feel 'unwanted'?

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 22:29

He is taking the piss.

You owe him nothing. You don;t have to be kind or generous to this man. Kick him out, if he has nowhere to go that's his problem not yours.

Why on earth does he think he can try to emotionally blackmail you into sex?! You are not interested. You don't owe him anything, he is a wanker.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/01/2010 22:56

Throw him out. He's horrible.
However, I would advise you to have a back-up plan (have you got a large brother/male friend/fiesty female friend?) as sometimes men like this can become physically aggressive when given their marching orders. The wanking is revolting, insulting, disrespectful behaviour that may escalate to trying to force you into having sex, as well.
If you don't have a friend or relative who can back you up, remember that if necessary you can call the police to remove him if he won't go, and you should definitely call them if he becomes aggressive.

BertieBotts · 26/01/2010 23:35

"Yes he does have £100... He wouldn't consider this enough money for his needs"

  • You have answered this yourself really. He is never going to have "enough money" to move out, he is never going to get a job, stop kidding yourself by waiting for him to do so. If you feel guilty, don't! I bet if you did kick him out despite having "nowhere to go" he would miraculously find a mate's sofa or some more money for a B+B once faced with the prospect of a homeless hostel, shop doorway, park bench or police cell. And actually, even if he did have to spend the night in one of these places, it wouldn't harm him! Maybe he should have bought 1.5l of White Lightening instead
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 10:10

Did you talk to him last night nevernever?

Original poster
nevernever · 27/01/2010 11:13

No Elephants, I didn't. I can't when he has been drinking and I don't really think there is much more to say anyway. This is becoming a circular conversation and it will only end when he leaves...which he will, I am certain of that.

This is my house, my life and my decision. I don't really have any 'heavy-handed' friends/family to bodily force him out and besides, I would rather not have any trouble.

Meantime, I will do my own thing and give him a timescale when he is in the mood to listen!

OP posts:
Original poster
nevernever · 27/01/2010 11:14

In fact, I might show him this thread - or isn't that a good idea?

OP posts:
Squitten · 27/01/2010 11:26

What in the world is stopping you from getting up, right this second, putting his things in a bag and opening the door??

As you say, it's your house so actually you do have some "heavy-handed" friends who can get rid of him for you - you can reach them on "999" by asking for the Police!

What is talking to him really going to achieve? He's a horrid man - get rid

Flightattendant · 27/01/2010 11:31

I agree with Squitten, I don't think I could stand to give this person house space for a second longer, I would be so angry.

But you have to handle it how you think is best. PLEASE let us know when he is gone, I will be worried until then!

Flightattendant · 27/01/2010 11:32

Pointless showing him the thread. How is that going to help?

You know what's right, he will never admit it, you're not going to change him...so stop trying to. Just walk away, or rather force him to walk away, you stay where you are and change your locks...

threetimemummy · 27/01/2010 11:40

Question: Isnt wanking in front/earshot of someone to make them feel uncomfortable sort of sexual abuse?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 11:41

NN it sounds like you are scared to force him out for some reason? What are you worring about, specifically? It's all very well to say you'll give him a timescale when he's "in the mood to listen" - why is this all about him? You are very much in the mood to get this man out of your house, why should he have things his own way?

He is totally deaf to anything he doesn't want to hear - as someone said upthread he must have the hide of a rhino. He is not going to "let" you throw him out, you have to make him go.

I was worrying about that too SGB but didn't want to say in case I was overreacting. It sounds like a dangerous situation to me in that a) he thinks he deserves sex with the OP, and b) he doesn't respect her ownership of her own house, would he respect her ownership over her body, and c) he has convinced himself that his arousal is bound to make her want sex. All warning signs I would think.

In fact the more i think about it, the more I am worried for you OP. He is not behaving normally and you would be so much safer without the angry, vengeful, sexually predatory twunt in the house.

Flightattendant · 27/01/2010 11:49

Threetime...I would think it could be classed as harrassment. If OP called police and asked them to remove reluctant-to-leave chappie and told them he had been masturbating openly in her home, I doubt they would think lightly of it.

OP what are you getting out of this situation?

helpYOUiWILL · 27/01/2010 11:49

confused. Are you still in a "relationship" with him? If you have split up then why is he still living with you - after all you don't owe him anything. Secondly if you are not still together why would he be expecting sex?

I think by letting him stay you are giving him false hope and he wont do anything about making alternate arrangements to live.

You need to decide what you are going to do.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 11:54

Wait until he goes out, bag his possesions and lock all the doors. Have a locksmith come and fit a yale lock and DO NOT let those keys out of your bra.

Lemonylemon · 27/01/2010 12:18

Never I had an ex like this. Lived in my house, wouldn't get out when I'd told him it was over. I did what my family call "Operation Bastard" one day.

I rang my local double glazing company and got them to come at 9am the next day to change the locks as the ex was away for a few days. I packed up all his stuff into boxes and black sacks and took it round his Dad's house. Sent him a text message telling him not to come back.

It did work!

Original poster
nevernever · 27/01/2010 16:27

I absolutely don't owe him anything.
I'm not afraid to throw him out, it's just the fact I KNOW he has nowhere to go. I have never known anyone who has so few friends and he is completely estranged from ALL family members - his and mine!

I am just soft I know but not completely stupid honestly.

He has some money coming his way by the end of this week he assures me. If it doesn't transpire, he will be out regardless.

Is sulking ATM and it's doing my head in!

OP posts:
sowhatis · 27/01/2010 16:45

why doesnt he work?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 17:07

Good for you nevernever. Maybe set a time e.g. 9pm on Friday, then you can look forward to his long-awaited absence. Unbelievable what this man is being like! Obviously a good reason why his family won't talk to him, maybe he wanks all over their houses too. Have you got DC in the house btw?

Original poster
nevernever · 27/01/2010 17:37

Elephants-Yes dc here so doing my best to keep it civil for their sakes.

The biggest reason I am hesitating on getting the police involved is that wouldn't want them involved, or included on any social services registers...is that possible?

He is becomming more of an arse as the day wears on and my patience running out!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 17:42

Nevernever: Please be careful. You say he is 'becoming more of an arse' - is he whining or is he being unpleasant? Because if he is getting at all agressive, tell him to behave or you will call the police, and if you have to call them, call them. There would be no need for SS to be informed AFAIK if it's a matter of removing him from the house when it;s your house and he is refusing to leave.
The reason this man has no friends/family who will have him is because he;s a horrible human being. He;s not your problem and neither you nor your DC should be subjected to someone wanking all round the house, sulking and being unpleasant.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 17:43

I'm sure if there are no other issues than police wouldn't need to involve social services . Still, I think your friends/dad/brothers/big neighbour would probably do the job more effectively. Or take the advice above and just bag up his stuff while he's out getting the money on Friday. Is there anywhere you could drop it off?

Thing is OP, if he is wanking around the house while the DC are around, that's getting a bit grim isn't it? What is your plan so far for getting him out?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 17:47

x-post SGB (I'm following you around today, sorry )

Yes that's true OP, he sounds like when he finally realises what's happening to him, he's not going to be happy. Please do call the police if he threatens or hurts you in any way.

Original poster
nevernever · 27/01/2010 23:33

Thanks for all your advice, it's much appreciated.

He's becoming less helpful generally, not pulling his weight, whereas before he would do his share. Now he realises it's coming to crunch time he's very awkward but I'm not scared of him, he just pisses me off skulking round the place.

By Fri all will become apparent and I will keep you posted.

And just to be clear...he isn't wanking around dc...I'd have his guts!!!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 27/01/2010 23:53

If the realtionship is over it's not surprising you don't want sex.
I'd definitely want him out tomorrow. Him having nowhere to go isn't your problem. He can go to social services, chuck him out Friday morning not Friday evening so their office is open. If he's an adult he really should have got a job/ saved some money.
If he's been totally financially dependant on you then I think you've supported him enough. What has he been doing with his money?
I hate these child men who won't get a job and be independant.

echt · 28/01/2010 10:19

What a frightful shit. Not the OP, I mean.

Kick the fecker to the kerb. Excellent advice all round, esp. for AF, as usual.

Oh, and I'd be wiping round with a J-Cloth and some bleach - or a flamethrower - after the weaselly scrote has gone.

Sorry, the last bit was unfair to weasels.