Hen Night Hell

[saggyhairyarse]

A very good friend since infant school is getting married and I am a bridesmaid.

Her hen night is a hen weekend which I cannot afford. It is bad timing as so soon after the expense of Christmas for us (early Feb), I have yet to buy the shoes and accessories she wants me to get for my bridesmaid outfits and the wedding is in March so a lot of expenditure coming at a bad time (wedding was announced in October so not much time to budget for given Christmas round the corner.

My DH is self-employed and can't work the weekend because of it, he has also never looked after our 3 children on his own. He is also an alcoholic, i.e. drink dependant but won't be blindingly drunk so for me to leave my children for 2 nights with him is a no-no.

My kids are 8, 5 and 2 so it is not that I don't want to leave young children with him but that I never had and I probably never would because he has his drink problem (he is not a bad man but my concerns are what if he needs to take one to hospital etc etc etc).

I know many will be "dump your husband if you can't trust him" but that is not on the agenda as I knew what he was when I married him and I knew I would have to protect the kids from any issues and it is all fine except now 'I have to go away'.

The money is a big problem as we are trying to remortgage at the moment but I am also having last minute nerves about leaving the kids (will be over night).

Now emails are flying about requesting money for activities, dressing up stuff and meals etc and I just feel like it has all got out fo hand and I can't afford it, I really won't enjoy the activity and I just want to cry.

So ladies, what should I do????

I have tried to explain to her but she just shrugs it off "I have to be there" (she has a lot going on as well as the wedding herself).

Only my Dad knows about my DHs drinking, I know I should have the courage of my convictions (we have been married 10 years!) but admitting this issue would open up a can of worms.

You needing to be a bridesmaid for your friend's wedding is only a small part of a far more damaging picture.

re your comment:-

"I know many will be "dump your husband if you can't trust him" but that is not on the agenda as I knew what he was when I married him and I knew I would have to protect the kids from any issues and it is all fine except now 'I have to go away".

So why did you marry him knowing he was a functioning alcoholic?. Did you deep down hope he would change once marriage and or children came along?. He is and never was your project to rescue and or save from alcoholism. Did you think you could save him from his demons?.

He is the only one who can help himself here and what you have done is enable him. You have not helped him at all and now there are also three children involved. They see far more than you realise, particularly the eldest and they are learning from you both.

You have not been able to fully protect them from his inherant alcoholism.

Enabling brings you a false sense of control; how many excuses have you made for him to date?. It is also very telling (though not surprising) that very few people know of his drink problem. Your understandable embarrassment and shame although this is completely misplaced has stopped you from seeking real life support for you and this is what you primarily need now.

Have you ever considered talking to Al-anon; they are helpful when it comes to working with family members of problem drinkers. You are as much caught up in the merry go around that is alcoholism as he is.

There are also the 3cs to remember re alcoholism:-
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
You did NOT cause this

This is no longer about you solely.
Children who grow up in a household where a parent is an alcoholic often go onto develope problems within their own relationships as adults; they can grow up to become super responsible or even choose alcoholics as partners. This is no legacy to leave them.

just tell her that you re very sorry, you can't afford to go on the hen weekend.

"I have yet to buy the shoes and accessories she wants me to get for my bridesmaid outfits". Err, why are you having to buy these? Surely your friend should be funding the complete bridesmaid outfits?

That aside, I think you have to be honest with her. It's not a case of her rolling her eyes at you. Say you will come for the day but you simply cannot afford to do the x, y, and z activities organised or stay overnight. Honestly, being straight is the best policy and will be a weight off your mind once you have spoken to her. You must make it non-negotiable. Perhaps you can offer to have an evening at your house (or her place without the children) where you can crack open a bottle of wine and have a chin wag.

I didn't think he would change, no. I don't seek to save him. He is an adult and responsible for himself.

He recognises he has a problem and he has received support from our GP. He isn't perfect but nobody is. He is kind, he works hard, he tries his best.

I think telling her is the only option.

Also, I am not a perfect parent either, I lose my rag and don't handle things right all the time but our kids know we love them and we try our best.

I agree with Rindercella, you should tell her what you will be able to do, and the earlier the better. Coming for a day is entirely acceptable.

If she is as close a friend as you say she probably has an inkling of your money worries and your husbands drinking.
Tell her - as in tell - that you can only do the day. Prepare yourself for a nasty reaction though.

I hope your husband works out his demons.

I do think your DH should be seriously aiming to stop drinking, for the sake of you and his DC. It's good to be understanding that alcoholism is hard to beat, but he does need to beat it - situations like this are just one of many compelling reasons why.

However re this particular situation - either you tell her straight you can't go, or, if you just can't face that, you tell her you have terrible flu at the time. Sorted. If someone is just not going to "let" you say no, and is going to give you a really hard time about it, when they should realise you have a problem, then they give you no choice but to let them down at the last minute IMO. After all you could genuinely be ill and she'd have to stuff it.

Hen nights are a terrible invention, 99% of the time it ends in tears.

Thanks MI.

I just called her and am seeing her after lunch so will bite the bullet then.

Re my DH, he recently had a 'scare' as he went to his GP again and so they did liver function etc tests on him and he has 'warning signs'. He has cut right back and he is taking all sorts of weird and wonderful supplements but it is just the beginning of a long road that may take sometime for him to complete.

He needs to stop, for sure.

But if, IF you are staying with him...
... you can't go. It's truly horrible. And it is up to you in a way (where are you??).

I hope this is something that helps you dort life out, for you and your much loved dc.

SHA,

Good luck with telling your friend and hopefully she will be understanding of your situation. If she is not understanding and goes all bridezilla on you as a result then she is not really much of a friend.

His alcoholism is not only about him, you need support too. This ripples out to affect the whole family unit, you need help and support as much as your H does. Where's your support (this is why I mentioned Al-anon).

I sincerely hope your H is completely serious about tackling his alcoholism; he really needs to stop drinking alcohol altogether. There are no guarantees here though, he may end up losing everything and still drink. Has he considered AA?.

You have a choice at the end of the day re your H and his alcoholism, your children however do not. Alcoholism can cause all sorts of health problems, the liver is not only affected. What for instance is his short term memory like nowadays, that can get pickled through long term alcoholism. I hope I do not sound too harsh writing all that to you but I am not going to beat around the bush. His alcoholism has had and still has far reaching and profound effects on you all.

You don't have to be there. I would tell friend you can't afford it and won't be going. If she's a friend she will understand. I didn't go to a friend's hen do the only time I was a bridesmaid as we lived over 6 hours apart.
Agree the alcoholic husband sounds more of a problem.

Atilla, I really do appreciate your concern, you are not being harsh, I do have my eyes wide open, really.

We have a few strategies in place to ensure that the children are protected as much as possible from 'his problem'. For example, he has a comfortable office that if he is going to drink alot he goes there and stays there and does not come home. He tells me, it is not like he just doesn't show up, and as he works away a bit and gets emergency call outs so it is nothing unusual for the children. He also does not drink before the children go to bed.

From my own part, I am very self sufficient. I have no family local but do have good friends.

I suppose the main effect his drinking has on me is that I don't have much company in the evenings and spend too much time on here. But then I am not the only one spending time on here and not sat having deep and meaningfuls over a candlelit dinner with their DH.

saggy, you sound lovely but this is one of the saddest threads I have read on MN in a little while

deary, deary me...this lifestyle your family is leading must be the absolute definition of enabling

and the hen weekend is just one consequence of allowing your partner to continue to be an alcoholic and part of the family

you can never spend any time away from home because he cannot be trusted to care for the dc safely

would you not be better off without him....until if and when he sorts his addiction out ?

you are effectively a single parent, trapped, trapped, trapped

I could not live like this, I really couldn't

his alcoholism is like a fucking great elephant in the room... the elephant that must never be mentioned while the rest of the family has to suffer

saggy, I dunno how far along this road you are and sorry to presume so much but I have only one question...why??

I am not sure I know the answer to that AF.

I am sorry lovey, I know you weren't asking for a complete dissection of how you are living your life

I wasn't really expecting an answer , < hug >

Thanks for the hug

On the bigger issues I can't put it any better than AF above.

On the hen night, I would either go for the day and go home at the end of the night, or day you can't go at all. Be straight that it is either that or you can't afford the shoes etc for being a bridesmaid. But if you can't afford it because of what your dh spends on drink, then I would be very tempted to tell him you need him to cut back to fund this outing for you.

or say you can't go at all - typo

I have been in this position and I had genuinely been very unwell just beforehand so I pulled out on that basis, but sent my friend a bottle of champagne and said 'celebrate with that for me'. If you could afford that (nice stuff in Tesco for about £15) it ought to be well received.

-have a hug too -

what about telling your friend the real reasons why you cannot go

sit her down, deflect the "but you have to come..." wailing and say I have something serious to tell you

perhaps that could be the start of accepting and acknowledging that your life and the dc's life is seriously curtailed and compromised by the addiction and weakness of one person...your husband

your husband...your life partner...who is really no partner at all in his current state

I can't do that AF. The wedding is less than two months away, my friend has some health issues and her hen night in two weeks and I could not bring this issue up now. I cannot rain on her parade.

It is all food for thought though. I do appreciate the concern and advice.

I am sorry, but I agree with Anyfucker.
On the one hand I think you are in deep denial, on the other, it seems like you and your dh has centred your lives around enabling him being an alcoholic. I cannot begin to comprehend.

You are not raining on her parade by telling her straight. I wonder if you are scared that once you start accepting the problem, and talking to your real life friends, they will start telling you how wrong this all is, and you wont be able to deal with that.

My husband lost his stepfather to alcoholism 5 years ago. My fil only lived to be 50. MIL left my husbands biological father when dh was just 4 years old, due to his alcoholism. My husband has seen more of his fare share of what alcohol dependancy does to a family, and how over time it can ruin it. Mil hated her second husband the last few years of his life. They were tied together by a severly multi disabled daughter. Alcohol ruins lives, but I guess you know that.

I see several ruined lives here, unfortunately

but saggy, you don't have to continue to allow his addiction to ruin yours and dc's

his life is his own to piss up

you owe it to yourself to make your own way, unencumbered by somebody else's weakness

where is MIFLAW when we need him ????????

saggy, please stay with this thread, don't be scared off

listen and absorb...you have options