Hen Night Hell

[saggyhairyarse]

A very good friend since infant school is getting married and I am a bridesmaid.

Her hen night is a hen weekend which I cannot afford. It is bad timing as so soon after the expense of Christmas for us (early Feb), I have yet to buy the shoes and accessories she wants me to get for my bridesmaid outfits and the wedding is in March so a lot of expenditure coming at a bad time (wedding was announced in October so not much time to budget for given Christmas round the corner.

My DH is self-employed and can't work the weekend because of it, he has also never looked after our 3 children on his own. He is also an alcoholic, i.e. drink dependant but won't be blindingly drunk so for me to leave my children for 2 nights with him is a no-no.

My kids are 8, 5 and 2 so it is not that I don't want to leave young children with him but that I never had and I probably never would because he has his drink problem (he is not a bad man but my concerns are what if he needs to take one to hospital etc etc etc).

I know many will be "dump your husband if you can't trust him" but that is not on the agenda as I knew what he was when I married him and I knew I would have to protect the kids from any issues and it is all fine except now 'I have to go away'.

The money is a big problem as we are trying to remortgage at the moment but I am also having last minute nerves about leaving the kids (will be over night).

Now emails are flying about requesting money for activities, dressing up stuff and meals etc and I just feel like it has all got out fo hand and I can't afford it, I really won't enjoy the activity and I just want to cry.

So ladies, what should I do????

Hi Saggy
I agree with AnyF and Quint but I would I think delay any big truth telling about your h until after the wedding.

I think I would say "Actually friend y'know what I cant afford to spend so much money on your wedding and henweekend Also I cant leave the kids with h"

I honestly think expensive hen weekends are ridiculous, most people cant afford them, most people cant afford expensive weddings - all ridiculous imho - getting married shouldnt be about big expensive parties - and tbh I wouldnt have any worries about telling a friend that!

The simple fact is that you cannot afford to go - so I think you need to tell her that

Actually, I don't think the OP should make her husband's alcoholism her friend's problem. That the friend is being a bit bridezilla and the H is an alcoholic are two separate issues. It's not bridezilla's fault that SHA's family is suffering due to her H's alcoholism and there is bugger all bridezilla can do about it.
So SHA, if the hen night arrangements involve some sort of booking that your mate will have to pay for even if you don't turn up, tell her that you can't afford it, end of - if it's not going to leave her out of pocket then just have strategic explosive diarrhoea on the day.
And then think about how you want to address the alcoholic H issue.

What I've heard on this thread is you making all sorts of excuses for not taking control of situations. You won't tell the bride because she has health issues of her own, and you won't challenge your DH over is alcoholism because you knew what he was before you married.

Just tell the bride you aren't going. Tell her why, too. You need someone to confide in.

You also need to get yourself along to Al-anon. My DH is an alcoholic but has been sober now for 3 years with the help of AA. Your DH is a selfish man. All alcoholics are. That is the fact of the matter. Your life would be so much better if your husband didn't drink. I imagine you'd be able to afford the weekend too: how much would you say your DH drinks? How much time do you spend looking after your children while he drinks.

Face the reality. You do sound lovely but you should not live like this. I know how hard it is; I've been there. Your DH is a sick man and should not be using all sorts of weird supplements and cutting down. He just needs to bloody stop drinking.

OP, I'd reinforce the recommendation for Al-Anon. The simple fact of the matter is that your DH is an adult and can choose how he lives his life. And, clearly, you have chosen to accept his alcoholism which you are well within your rights to do - you're an adult, too. Fair enough.

Al-Anon can help you to find ways to continue your life together (if that is what you still wish to do) while minimising the effects his drinking has on your/your DC's lives.

I'd also strongly recommend you get a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It, too, explores ways of reducing the bad effects someone else's drink/drug problems will have on your life.

Continuing to live with an active alcoholic is tough, so you need to make sure that you are taking care of you as well as everyone else.

chosing to be with an alcoholic is your choice. choosing to bring children into that is incredibly selfish. but thats an aside i guess.

If you cant do it then dont do it.

yes your friend will be upset and yes you shouold have thoughtt if this when you first agreed to be a bridesmaid.

I have read everyones contributions and am grateful for them. I will certainly analyse this all again and consider the different perspectives.

Mamazon, I was prepared for a hen night, not a hen weekend. I didn't know we would be going away and had not budgeted for hotel costs or dining in a michelin star restaurant.

I was guestimating it would be a £50-£100 not £250 plus but then I got married 10 years ago and went out clubbing.

mamzon - no real reason to be quite so harsh, given that the OP seems to be feeling quite delicate about it all

I don't think the OP should have expected all this expenditure just through agreeing to be bridesmaid. Personally I think that the bride should be paying for the bridesmaid's outfit, otherwise she could be wearing whatever she wanted, at a fraction of the course. The bride must know that the OP can't really afford to buy clothes/shoes just for one day - if she's ignored this or hasn't thought of it then it's hardly the OP's fault

And to call the OP selfish for having children, well on your reckoning then this would apply to a whole load of people on here, not just partners of alcoholics

saggy, everything said on this thread was with concern for you, I am sure you know that

I think everything I could say on the main issue has already been said. I really think you need to protect your DC and stop enabling your DH's alcoholism.

As for the hen night, any decent friend should understand that £250 is too much for a hen do when you were anticipating an evening out not a weekend away. Also I was of the impression that the bride and groom pay for bridesmaid's outfit, or if the bridesmaid has to buy her own, she gets to choose something which suits her budget. Your friend sounds a bit bridezilla! FWIW I've had the hen night dilemma when my best friend who was planning a trip to Alton Towers for her hen party then decided a weekend in Paris would be better. In the end we had a meal at the Ritz as a ridiculously expensive compromise. Had it been Paris I'd have turned it down (had 18 month old and was pg with DS2 at the time)

£250! That would be a lot even for a single person with no dependents to shell out. I wouldn't expect someone with kids to do it - I would assume they'll be spending that money on their family holiday if at all!

saggy, I think your 19:47 post puts it well re the costs. Couldn't you use those words when you speak to your friend?

And yes, there is plenty to think about here but deal with one thing at a time.

SHA

Don't know if you're still around, but, FWIW ...

I am going to break the trend and say that I have a lot of sympathy for your husband. I used to be him. My life was what is laughably called "functional". I worked, I dressed myself, I drove a car, I had relationships, I was self-sufficient ... My alcohol consumption was no ones's business but my own. I was also a bit younger than your husband so I didn't even have a wife and kids to worry about.

BUT - I worked, but would frequently arrive late, leave early, take long lunches or just phone in sick; I dressed myself, but sometimes "not have time" to shower and shave; i drove (but not always drinking, and indeed a crash with no one else involved was the beginning of the end for me); I had relationships, but my partners were frightened about the life before them if they stayed in love with me and the arguments we had caused a lot of tears and anger; I was self-sufficient, except for all the money I "borrowed" from my mother and friends and all the other money I raised by going without or selling things that most people would have said I needed ... My alcohol consumption was no one's business but my own, except my mother ended up going to the doctor about her nerves because my lifestyle caused her so much worry.

I no longer drink. For me, AA was what worked. But I still remember what it was like to be in your husband's shoes - to desperately want to be a normal, loving, and loved partner, friend and, one day, father; but not to be able to "square the circle" - to try to build alcohol into that set up when it was becoming more and more obvious that the alcohol would have to go. That thought terrified me - if this was my life WITH a drink, what would it be like without? - and so again I would seek a compromise (cut down/no wine/no beer/not alone/not before 6/not unless something bad happened/35 units a week/only indoors/only within walking distance of my house/only with food ...) and again I would fail and things would get just that little bit worse.

Your husband, if he is like me, is a sick and unfortunate man. Feel sorry for him.

But don't feel that, just because of that, you have to put up with it. You are you and he is he. He will only change when he is ready, which may be never. Start putting number one first and, if he asks why, tell him. That may be the single kindest thing you can do for him, as well as for you.

< grateful sigh >

What will happen to your children if you are ever hospitalised?

I ask because I only realised the extent to which I was being financially abused when I was hospitalised and exp had to be given his bank card back in order to buy things for ds1.

He did not pay any of the bills I asked him to pay and he emptied the account of nearly £700. He cleared us out while I was incapacitated.

So, I ask you to consider - what about your husbands addiction? If you cannot trust him while you go on a hen weekend (from which you could return in an emergency) then how could you trust him if you had no choice but to leave him to do everything?

I've got a Fucker fan club!

I want to second MIFLAW's comment that standing up to your DH's drinking could be the single best thing you could possibly do for him.

My stepfather, like MIFLAW, is a dry alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in more than 20 years.

But note that he's my stepfather - his marriage to my Mum is his second. His first marriage collapsed when his then-wife could no longer put up with his drinking (the final straw was when his two youngest children, then aged 8 and 7, saw him collapsed and hysterical at the bottom of the stairs because his legs had stopped working - both say that up until that point neither were aware that he drank because, like your DH, my stepfather didn't drink in front of them).

My stepfather says that his first marriage failing, no matter how awful it was for all concerned at the time, was what saved him. He had to hit rock bottom before he could start to recover. AA was instrumental for him, although it's not for everyone.

My mother goes to Al-Anon weekly, even though my stepfather is dry. He needs her support each and every day. My mother finds it an enormous comfort.

My stepfather now has a reasonable relationship with his children, although not as close as it would have been without the alcohol.

MIFLAW, thanks for replying to this thread. When people say stand up to the drinking and put myself first, what does that mean? How do I do that and what do I do?

Coldtits, money per se, is not an issue (though do not have spare £250 down the back of the sofa a month after Christmas and in the middle of a house move). I was hospitalised (only for two days) and my friends helped me with the kids. My DH is self-employed and me being out of action is problematic whatever!

I don't mean that money is an issue - just that it was for us.

Your particular problem is your husband's drinking. If you were out of action for 2 months, what would happen to your children? WOuld your friends be as willing to take them as they were for 2 days? Could your husband pull himself together for 2 months in order to be a sober parent for them? or would they effectively be parentless because he likes his booze too much?

Well, I think "stand up to the drinking" sounds a bit militant tbh and you have to remember that your husband is very manipulative (don't worry, I just guessed ...)

If you start saying, "I'm not happy about the amount you drink," he will say (tick them off like bingo as they fall out of his mouth) "what's it to do with you?" and "I'm never drunk around the kids" and "I work hard, surely I deserve the chance to unwind?" and "how would you like it if I told you what you could and couldn't do in yyour free time?" and "it's not as if I drink as much as X" and "what about you? You're just as bad?" (this last one with reference to the time you had one sherry too many on a pleasure cruise at the Millenium and he selflessly drove home) and, "ultimately, "fuck this, I'm off to the pub/club/offy - at least I don't get my ear bent THERE!"

But if you say, "I don't like living with a drunk and I don't think it's on that you sleep in your office just because you've had a drink" - well, he might not like that one little bit, but (unless he's violent, in which case be very careful about what you say, but then you'll know that better than I if it's relevant) he can't really twist it, can he? I mean, you've just said what you want and don't want - there's no facts for him to dispute.

Then you can tell him what, if anything, you want to change.

If he tries to tell you why that's not fair, listen to him - you may just have gone too far because you're keen and he may have a point.

But, to be honest, he'll rpobably just spout more shit.

Then tell him what will happen if he won't or can't change. You might want him to go to AA; you might want him to leave; you might want separate beds; you might want to try Relate. Whatever. Tell him what YOU want and do not compromise.

Then he will probably go off and get incredibly drunk or else he will break down in tears. Don't let either upset you unduly. When he is sober, try to pick the conversation up again. "Have you thought any more about what I asked you the other night? Because we can't carry on like this. It's not right."

That's the conversation I would have dreaded in his shoes, so I reckon it's worth a go.

That wasn't as clear as it could have been. Basically, focus the conversation on how it affects you (legitimate criticism for you to make because he owes you a certain amount as a husband and he is not delivering) rather than how much he drinks and when (which, to his mind, is none of your fucking business.)

coldtits, I suspect that this lady's children may end up in care should a terrible accident befall her

her husband is certainly not demonstrating he can care for them safely, a fact that the OP is well aware of and condones by her acceptance of it

now that is a sobering thought

MIFLAW, thanks for that, it does help. I don't often mention how it affects me as I just get on with it but I will try that.

AF, if I met an unfortunate end then thank the lord for life cover. I am pretty sure DH would employ a nanny!

MIFLAW - i got a tear in my eye from your first post.

SHA - how did it go with the bride? Hope its all sorted.

It sounds like in your life, the kids are happy, your dh is happy but no-one is trying to make you happy.

saggy, I commend you for keeping a light note in the face of my onslaught, but you are kinda missing the point...

this thread got very heavy!

Am really impressed with how much MIFLAW is giving you, and general support.

To get back to the OP, I also think that you should just tell your friend. keep it short and simple:

eg: I would love to come. But I can´t. Firstly it is too much money for me, I could come if it were a day or night out. Really sorry about that, hope you understand. And also, this is a big thing I never told you and I don´t really want to bother you with my problems right now, but there is a problem with DH (give more details if she is listening)and I cannot leave the children home alone. I am really sorry, and your wedding IS really important to me. Is there any way I could join for a bit during the day, or still somehow be involved?? etc etc.

Good luck.