Do you think his behaviour is un-forgivable? He makes me doubt myself so need your help.

[sapphire1987]

Hello.

Apologies for the extra-long title.

I'm in desperate need of advice as I'm seriously considering leaving my DP.

I just cannot believe the man I love has turned into this selfish, arrogant , heartless -insert swear word here-!
We met 3 years ago when I was a single mum to my DD (then 1, now 4). He is 31. We moved in together last March (his idea) when I was 3 months pregnant (joint desicion, DS is now 5 months). I know everyone says this, but the first 2 years were bliss - He was in love with me, perfect gentleman, honestly a gem (and I have had a bag egg before - DD's dad).
However the past year he has gradually changed from the man I knew into a complete bully.
Here are some examples-
1)He has a couple of times told me he was leaving me - "you got over your mum's death you will get over me" and comments as such whilst leaving, then come back 5 mins later saying he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, tries to have sex with me 5 mins after telling me he's leaving? wtf?

2. He has told me he doesn't know if he can deal with my DD, despite deciding wholeheartedly to treat her as his own (or so it seemed from what he said at the time). He looks after the kids on a Thu and Fri whilst I'm at work, although only DD for an hour or so because she is nursery 9-4 and I'm back at 5ish. Twice when I've told him she is off nursery on hols he has taken a strop that he'd have to look after her the whole day. "I can't be bothered with her whining" , "you will just have to be off work cos I'm not dealing with her asking 'Why' all day". Called him today to remind him to pick her up early cs she has a doctors appointment for ear infection - he said "But I'm supposed to be going out tonight, what if I don't get back on time?" no concern whatsoever for DD's illness.!!!!

3)He studies at Uni and therefore 'cannot' provide for kids - he says he provides by looking after them whilst I'm at work (2 f'ing days - his mum does the other 3!).
He lives on his £50 per week bursary for travel, cigs, beer etc.(i pay all bills so he has loads of food in here). The other day I refused to lend him money for beer (i said in a non-threatening way I think he drinks too much and it's not my job to fund it) and he called me a "cheeky bitch". On Sunday he took £3 of MY money from the table without asking despite knowing it was mine. He later said it was for bus fares but he had a weekly all-zones bus ticket running for another 2 days in his pocket! I confronted him and he just denied it!

4)He doted on DS as a newborn but now just can't be bothered with him at all. He feeds him, changes him and then puts him in baby seat with a toy - if DS cries after that he ignores him, says it's just DS having a 'bad nature' apparently (HE IS A BABY, HE IS BORED! GIVE HIM ANOTHER TOY, OR BETTER STILL- INTERACT WITH YOUR SON!!!) . His answer to this is that it's my fault he doesn't look at DS as he doesn't like being told what to do by me , and that apparently he is not there for DS 'entertainment'

5)He went on a planned camping trip before xmas despite me having bad tonsillitus and temp of 40 degrees! I could barely get out of bed to look after DC's - again his mum had to pick up his pieces and take time off work to help me - again, a selfish so-and-so!

6)He is thouroughly unpleasant to be around, constantly swears at the tv - the other night there was a programme on about a family with 19 kids and he was saying "that's f'ing discusing, she's disgusing!" and even worse (he does this almost constantly now)

7)If I try to talk to him about the situation he REFUSES to acknowledge my existence - just turns the tv up louder and shouts at me to "FUCK OFF!" or something dismissive and ignorant like "OH THIS BIG BROTHER IS INTERESTING, OH I WONDER WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER..." drowning me out.

8)He has said before that he is taking his son, and I will see my son when he's 16 , then revised it and said I can have him on weekends! Oh lucky me!

Any of his behaviour is turned around on me because I made the mistake of developing feelings for an old friend when we were going through a bad patch when i was 3 months pregnant. I am genuinely sorry for this, I begged to have him back even although at the time he was being extremely verbally abusive and i was hormonal and confused. I have NEVER done anything like that since, and have reassured him until I'm blue in the face. Been over it a million times with him gently and lovingly but Iam losing patience now because he will never agree to speak to me about the way he treats me.

Honestly, he was so great at the beginning. That is my only hope - that he will go back to the way he was before but I highly doubt it. I actually HATE him now and typing the stuff above made me realise that surely I cannot be wrong - surely that is unacceptable?
Iam on the very verge of throwing him out (lease in my name, not married) but Iam weak as it is the 10th anniversary of my mum's death tomorrow and I have no other supportive family or friends. (although he is not supportive as you can see). . My family aren't really interested in me (well my dad's not and my sisters are in their early teens so too young, my friends are college or night-out or mummy friends and not too close)

Iam really sorry for the HUGE length of post but I just needed to get all that out! If I think of any more I will post it - even if only to strengthen my resolve for if/when I do throw him out, so I won't wobble and call him out of loneliness.

Thanks for reading (if you have made it this far!)
I'm at a loss- please tell me I'm right to leave him. I don't seem to have any idea of what 'normal' is anymore...

i think if you re-read your post, you have answered your own questions. he sounds horrible.

hmmm,

Ok he was ok at first but now clearly he is not. It's so dissapointing when that happens. I always mourn how the lovely honeymoon bit went.

If he won't accept your dd he's a non-starter. I know it's gutting but better to know now than not at all.

he is horrible. have him leave. (but not tomorrow get teh anniversary over with...)

he could live with his mum right?

for a while at least while you get your head together.

if by some miracle the nice man returns then rethink - but you cannot trust him can you? he has shown his true colours...

doesnt sound like he cares much for his ds but he might fight for him if you separate...

have you rl supprot form anyone?

Bloody hell... I think he sounds very immature and is treating you very badly. You are supporting him through Uni and he is treating you like some sort of second class citizen. I've no experience of this kind relationship once children are involved and I'm sure someone with much more experience than me will be along shortly but if you can get out, and get out safely, then I'd go. Better yet, get him out.

Do you have friends and family around to support you?

I love and miss the person he used to be . my heart aches for my old partner back, but he never really was this person, was he? It was just an act in the honeymoon period...
He loved me, used to write me love poems, the most respectful man you could imagine, and now this...no respect for me or love left. I've asked him why he's here and he says he doesn't know .
Tonight he is at his friends.

I read to number 5 and then stopped - he sounds absolutely horrible

Yes I think his behaviour is unforgiveable
Yes I would leave him pronto if I were you
Yes I doubt he will ever change and be nicer

yes,i think its over. theres nothing left is there?

so he more or less changed when you "developed feelings...". Did anything actually happen?

Yeah he would stay with his mum. His mum is lovely, she is the only person who supports me really and she has said even if we split she still will support me with both kids. But I have no-one of my 'own' to support me - at the end of the day she's still his mother and she always bails him out no matter how badly he treats her also. I guess since i think he has always treated her like that and she has taken it, then he has never learned boundaries- then he will never learn - he is a 'little god' in his own world.

Perhaps the best anniversary celebration for your mum would be this massive turnaround in your life and saying goodbye to this parasite man.

I'm not surprised you developed feelings for another man tbh.

That is really unacceptable behaviour in my opinion. I would find it difficult to forgive.

I have read the rest now and feel sad for you because this is obviously going to be very difficult for you.

Not having close family and friends around to help is going to make it harder but I dont see how this relationship is going to help you or your children in the short or long term

He is obviously ruining your confidence etc

Having had another look at your op - did I read it right that the house is in your name - if so then surely that makes it soooo much easier - Id start packing his bags!

Why are you still with him?

sapphire, it might not happen now but I think if you keep reading your post and reading subsequent responses I think you will know what's right for you and your DC.

I hate the phrase "this post could have been written by me" but in this case it's true. I could have written your post many times over during the last two years. That is until I finally saw the whole picture and decided that me and my DC were more important.

I ended the relationship once and for all on Monday night and I have never felt stronger emotionally.

What I'm trying to say is that the time will come when you can act on your feelings and I hope for your sake it's soon. He doesn't sound too pleasant, tbh.

Wishing you strength.

Nope nothing happened, I bumped into an old friend who was always nice to me a couple of times in asda when partner was treating me badly and i started to develop feelings for this old friend (though i didn't even have his number or address)
Sounds silly I know but I was extremely hormonal and going through alot of change. I told my partner because I felt so guilty at having these 'betrayal thoughts' .
I know it hurt him deeply, but he can't say he has forgiven me and yet treat me like this forever. There is nothing left of me he has been like this for so long...
Maybe he is just trying to hurt me for revenge?

I think you are worth more than this. I think you know that too. Protect youself and your family and do what you need to do to get out.

ah, was just the timing - and "developed feelings.." could have been you having an affair.

sounds awful

He rarely says sorry for any of this, just expects things to go on as usual.
The rare times he has actually said sorry and he will try to change are the times when I've finally had enough and made up my mind to leave. When he sees I mean it he will write letters, promise change etc, suddenly admit he was wrong to behave that way, but nothing does change for long (longest change was for a month before DS was born he was ok, and then a week after birth all this started again.) He is like the examples i gave above almost daily because he doesn't like responsibility i don't think.

He has admitted before that the sorrys are partly just a game of control on his behalf -He admitted he doesn't want to 'lose' something he wants to give something up of his own free will! I was gobsmacked at that comment (about a month ago) and haven't trusted a word that comes out his mouth since.

Numbers 3, 4, 6 and 7 are (sadly) familiar to me. I was called a "Cheeky bitch" (yes those exact words!!) for daring to speak to my mum on the phone for 90 minutes and expecting him to look after his own son during that time.

Number 4, yes XP never interacted with DS or if he did only minimally before giving up, and then it was my fault DS was upset because I had "made him clingy"

Number 6 and 7 were just the little erosions that ate away at my love for him, probably him relaxing and his true character coming out, but we would just be talking and he would come out with some awful racist joke, or something would be on TV and it would be "disgusting". Everyone who he considered beneath him was "a chav" and anyone who earned more than him was "stuck up".

I am sorry but I think the man he was in the beginning was more than likely an act And honestly - if he is trying to hurt you for revenge, that is not a loving act.

Ring Women's Aid - he is verbally abusive and likely emotionally abusive too - this is a form of domestic violence. They will be able to put you in touch with local support groups, and you will be able to inform the local DV team of the date you will be kicking him out, so if he threatens you or your DC in anyway they will be able to get there quickly.

Have to go but will be back.

I know what i did was wrong, but I wouldn't say 'affair' - there was no contact, even by text, nothing. Just me having insane misguided feelings for someone who at the time i was vulnerable, showed me some friendliness. I have NEVER done it again as I now realise it wouldn't solve anything - even for myself.

I phoned woman's aid the night he said he was leaving and took to take my 32 month old son on a 30-min walk to his mum's in the freezing cold at 2AM!!!!
I begged him to leave DS to sleep, then I tried to get to DS and get him out of pram and back into house, but he wouldn't let me near him, kept pulling me away from pram.

I phoned them then but I was hysterical and not really making any sense. I thought it was my fault as I had wound him up by speaking to him when he was trying to sleep and i kept talking despite him saying he didn't want to talk. I kept telling the lady on the phone it was my fault and she told me not to phone police as if i told police it was my fault they would side with him???
I was rather confused at that.

sorry i meant 2 month old son

I agree with Bertie Botts. I'd ring Womens Aid. If you ask him to leave he might make more threats about taking the children etc. It'd be best to be prepared.

The thing is sapphire even if that hadnt happened Ive no doubt he would have found something else to belittle you about.
He sounds horrendous through and through tbh

Reading again -point no8 in your list, I wouldnt worry about that
a - he is only saying it to get at you/scare you, he clearly doesnt really want day to day care of your ds
b - based on my reading of countless other threads just like yours, there is no chance he would succeed in getting custody of your son.

Honestly he sounds like awful.
As difficult as it will be I would get him out of my life if I was you.
I would also try to talk to his mother to get her to keep him away from you and get her support - she must surely know what an arse he is