Do you think his behaviour is un-forgivable? He makes me doubt myself so need your help.

[sapphire1987]

Hello.

Apologies for the extra-long title.

I'm in desperate need of advice as I'm seriously considering leaving my DP.

I just cannot believe the man I love has turned into this selfish, arrogant , heartless -insert swear word here-!
We met 3 years ago when I was a single mum to my DD (then 1, now 4). He is 31. We moved in together last March (his idea) when I was 3 months pregnant (joint desicion, DS is now 5 months). I know everyone says this, but the first 2 years were bliss - He was in love with me, perfect gentleman, honestly a gem (and I have had a bag egg before - DD's dad).
However the past year he has gradually changed from the man I knew into a complete bully.
Here are some examples-
1)He has a couple of times told me he was leaving me - "you got over your mum's death you will get over me" and comments as such whilst leaving, then come back 5 mins later saying he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, tries to have sex with me 5 mins after telling me he's leaving? wtf?

2. He has told me he doesn't know if he can deal with my DD, despite deciding wholeheartedly to treat her as his own (or so it seemed from what he said at the time). He looks after the kids on a Thu and Fri whilst I'm at work, although only DD for an hour or so because she is nursery 9-4 and I'm back at 5ish. Twice when I've told him she is off nursery on hols he has taken a strop that he'd have to look after her the whole day. "I can't be bothered with her whining" , "you will just have to be off work cos I'm not dealing with her asking 'Why' all day". Called him today to remind him to pick her up early cs she has a doctors appointment for ear infection - he said "But I'm supposed to be going out tonight, what if I don't get back on time?" no concern whatsoever for DD's illness.!!!!

3)He studies at Uni and therefore 'cannot' provide for kids - he says he provides by looking after them whilst I'm at work (2 f'ing days - his mum does the other 3!).
He lives on his £50 per week bursary for travel, cigs, beer etc.(i pay all bills so he has loads of food in here). The other day I refused to lend him money for beer (i said in a non-threatening way I think he drinks too much and it's not my job to fund it) and he called me a "cheeky bitch". On Sunday he took £3 of MY money from the table without asking despite knowing it was mine. He later said it was for bus fares but he had a weekly all-zones bus ticket running for another 2 days in his pocket! I confronted him and he just denied it!

4)He doted on DS as a newborn but now just can't be bothered with him at all. He feeds him, changes him and then puts him in baby seat with a toy - if DS cries after that he ignores him, says it's just DS having a 'bad nature' apparently (HE IS A BABY, HE IS BORED! GIVE HIM ANOTHER TOY, OR BETTER STILL- INTERACT WITH YOUR SON!!!) . His answer to this is that it's my fault he doesn't look at DS as he doesn't like being told what to do by me , and that apparently he is not there for DS 'entertainment'

5)He went on a planned camping trip before xmas despite me having bad tonsillitus and temp of 40 degrees! I could barely get out of bed to look after DC's - again his mum had to pick up his pieces and take time off work to help me - again, a selfish so-and-so!

6)He is thouroughly unpleasant to be around, constantly swears at the tv - the other night there was a programme on about a family with 19 kids and he was saying "that's f'ing discusing, she's disgusing!" and even worse (he does this almost constantly now)

7)If I try to talk to him about the situation he REFUSES to acknowledge my existence - just turns the tv up louder and shouts at me to "FUCK OFF!" or something dismissive and ignorant like "OH THIS BIG BROTHER IS INTERESTING, OH I WONDER WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER..." drowning me out.

8)He has said before that he is taking his son, and I will see my son when he's 16 , then revised it and said I can have him on weekends! Oh lucky me!

Any of his behaviour is turned around on me because I made the mistake of developing feelings for an old friend when we were going through a bad patch when i was 3 months pregnant. I am genuinely sorry for this, I begged to have him back even although at the time he was being extremely verbally abusive and i was hormonal and confused. I have NEVER done anything like that since, and have reassured him until I'm blue in the face. Been over it a million times with him gently and lovingly but Iam losing patience now because he will never agree to speak to me about the way he treats me.

Honestly, he was so great at the beginning. That is my only hope - that he will go back to the way he was before but I highly doubt it. I actually HATE him now and typing the stuff above made me realise that surely I cannot be wrong - surely that is unacceptable?
Iam on the very verge of throwing him out (lease in my name, not married) but Iam weak as it is the 10th anniversary of my mum's death tomorrow and I have no other supportive family or friends. (although he is not supportive as you can see). . My family aren't really interested in me (well my dad's not and my sisters are in their early teens so too young, my friends are college or night-out or mummy friends and not too close)

Iam really sorry for the HUGE length of post but I just needed to get all that out! If I think of any more I will post it - even if only to strengthen my resolve for if/when I do throw him out, so I won't wobble and call him out of loneliness.

Thanks for reading (if you have made it this far!)
I'm at a loss- please tell me I'm right to leave him. I don't seem to have any idea of what 'normal' is anymore...

just read your most recent post

Sapphire I honestly dont think any of this is your fault
He is a controlling manipulative bully who clearly thinks nothing of beign cruel to his own son.

Dont blame yourself just work out what to do to get rid of him!

no, not wrong! you felt a certain way - you didn't ACT on it. don't make yourself out to be the one in the wrong here.

He sounds quite unhinged! The way he talks about your children is very concerning, let alone the way he talks to you!

Please do ring Womens Aid as soon as possible.

I know I wasn't wrong now Chasing Squirels, but it seems sometimes I'm so messed up in the head I don't know what's right or wrong, or proper boundaries, although I cling on to the belief Iam a good person at heart.
I didn't grow up with many boundaries after my mum died, no-one paid any attention to what i did/didn't do and i was a very off-the-rails teen, but now I'm settled down, at work, 2 kids etc.

Laura, Yeah his mum knows exactly what he's like but for her it's more difficult to get rid of him as she loves him un-conditionally. Also, she won't give him any boundaries with her (he takes the pi** out of her kindness) i think because she is scared to lose him as he is all she has (she has not much family, his dad left when he was 3, never re-married). Since kids have been on the scene though she has had less patience for his behaviour towards them, which he doesn't like one little bit! He once went in a strop because his mum made my 3- year old's porridge before his!!! He is a 30-something 'man'. These things make me lose respect for him.

Yeah Iam worried he will try to take my DS because even although he wouldn't want day-to-day care he would go back to his mums and he knows she would do a lot of the care for him as she is a doting Granny.
He said the other night when he had DS at his mum's and just him, his mum and DS wre there it felt 'right' to him, apparently when he gets in here it feels 'all wrong' and the sound of my voice makes him sick.

Omg, reading this Iam seeing how disgusting his behaviour really is in black and white.

I doubt legally he would be able to take him though as health visitor has been a few times about DD's potty-training difficulties and has commented on how clean and tidy house is and how well I'm doing as mother, despite this situation. I had severe PND after DD was born, miraculously haven't developed it this time round , but am sort of waiting for the depression to kick in once the anger and adrenaline have subsided tbh. He has said he will use the fact i have had PND before to get custody of DS.

He sounds so horrible.

definitely ring Womens Aid for advice even if you're not planning to split immediately. They're so used to hearing about men like this, they'll be able to help you focus on what to do next.

I was touched by someone saying that the best anniversary gift I could honour my mum with was to get rid of him. I have been trying to draw strength from her somehow.
My daughter said today "I love your mummy in the sky mummy, we will just go in a plane up to the sky like when we went to cyprus and get her and bring her back here"
I said people in the sky can't come down cause the clouds are too thick (? didn't know any other way to explain) and she said,
"well we will just wave at her then mummy"
She also said "Guess who is talking to me?"
I said don't know
"Not Jack Frost - your mummy!"
very freaked out at that one!!!!
i asked what she said and DD said
"She loves you very much"

wow scary! that one made me cry so hard after DD went to bed.

I think she had heard HIS Mum asking if I'm ok because of tomorrow being the day my mum died. DD must have picked up on that, and I feel bad about that.

I don't think legally he could take him as wouldn't that be 'kidnapping' or some such offence if he refused to give him back after contact at his mums?
I doubt he would get in the house if i threw him out because there's a big bolt on the storm door which locks from the inside and alarms on the windows.He could get in whilst I'm out though but If he refused to give keys back i suppose I could ask landlords permission to change the locks.

Sapphire, I can't add to what has been said before. I know you know you're sharing your life & home with an unstable, volatile, dangerous menace ... and I know you wish he were the person you fell in love with. Sad but true: you fell in love with a fake, an act, a pretence. More to the point, you fell in love with your hopes and, being the malicious creature he is, he played to your hopes until he had you where it suited him.

You said:
"He has admitted before that the sorrys are partly just a game of control on his behalf"
Well, give the guy credit for such breathtaking arrogance that he actually tells you what he's doing.

More from you:
"He admitted he doesn't want to 'lose' something he wants to give something up of his own free will!"
"He makes me doubt myself "

He's done a bloody good job, hasn't he? He's made you doubt your own judgement so much that you need to ask if "his behaviour is un-forgivable?" even after TELLING you he's playing control games and wants to leave you!

Oh, poor, poor you

Is it sinking in yet?

FWIW, I think he's potentially dangerous in terms of violence or worse. I really feel you should call Womens Aid for a detached, sensible chat.
Also have a good look around the Maypole site.

Good luck. I hope you get your mind back soon.

Thank you for the link, I will have a good look at it.
Yes it has really helped me to see all of this in black and white and all together because his behaviour is insidious, usually comments here and there, spread out, saying nasty things then I react and he blames the whole argument on me! Telling me what he does is 'normal' and I'm the one there is something 'wrong' with. He tells me that I play mind games!

This existence has become normal to me in a way. Chance after chance, me believing that soon he will be the person I thought I knew.
Every time I say "I will leave for good next time he does x,y, or z" and then wondering if I'm being unreasonable so I go back on it, especailly after witnessing his mum trivialise it.

Wow! Iam emotinally drained. Going to bed now but will have a good think after the anniversary tomorrow, and will call w.a again.xxx

Yes, call Women's Aid. You need to get rid of this horrible man. He will not be able to take your DD away from you - please bear in mind that not only is he a horrible knobber but a stupid one, he is nowhere near subtle or powerful enough to be able to convince anyone that he is a better parent than you.
Abusive men always threaten to 'take' the children, they don't actually want to, they want to bully the mother into submission.
YOu can get free of him. THis doesn't mean your DD won't be able to see her grandmother - nor that she won't be able to see her father sometimes as long as he behaves himself.

Saphire I hope you have a great day in memory of your Mum. You must be really missing her at times like this x

I think your partner sounds really immature. Despite taking your own child on board and having one of his own he hasn't really adapted to life with kids has he?
It sounds like he will put in minimal effort and then rely on you or his mam to pick up from there on.

Raising a family is seriously grown up stuff. It means putting your own needs and feelings second from now on. He doesn't seem willing or able to do this though.

You, however, are taking life with 2 kids seriously. He just hasn't caught up. Unfortunately when you have kids you can't wait around for the Dad to reach maturity. He either gets on board now or you continue to move forward without him.

If you love him, and you know he does you, then find a way to move forward. But if you have moved on emotionally - and I think you have - then make a plan that is best for you and the kids. Without him.

It sounds like his mam will be a support to you. Hopefully in a few years time he will have grown up enough to offer some positive input into his sons life.

Give yourself a break on the 'feelings' thing - you developed a crush on someone who was nice to you when your partner was being a twat. You shouldn't have told him - you didn't actually do anything wrong. Everyone develops crushes from time to time - it's hardly a betrayal unless you were planning to have sex with this person or leave your P for him.

Hi sapphire

Most of your thread reminded me of the terrible sitiuation I was in up till a couple of months ago...trust me it will get worse..dont stay with this man..you deserve better..selfish horrid man

I asked ex dh for £10 once and was told to F**K OFF amongst other things...do you have a good network of family, friends to support you.

Also you may need to mentally prepare yourself for the break up...its so hard but it gets easier

take care hugs to you x

Hey
He phoned me last night at 1am from his friend's saying he is sorry and he wants his family (but I don't believe him). Then a speil about how we both have to change. I said to him you are not sorry because you are still blaming me for the way you treat me.
He said he is struggling at moment (well aren't I too?)
Basically like 'therealme' has aid, he can't cope with the responsibility and therefore takes it out on me for his own shortcomings.

So much for sorry, this morning I headed to pick up my sister's to take them to my mum's grave and all i got was "bye" , no hugs, no how are yous, no nothing.

I have had enough. I'm not putting up with this nightmare anymore. What am I getting out of this? I'm no angel, but I have a lot of love to give to someone who can return it and be honest with me, and he is depleting me.

This is going to be sooo hard telling him tonight when i get back though. The kids are at his mum's tonight (they go most saturdays) so prob the best time so my DD doesn't hera argument.

Good luck for tonight.

& from me! x

Good luck,sapphire. You deserve better than this. Stay safe and keep us posted.

sapphire, you are doing the right thing

don't fall for the pretty words and emotional blackmail...he will never change, never be the person you wish he was

you are going to have to be very strong...but I actually believe that you can do it

do it for your own, and your children's future...you hold that in your hands, he will never provide a stable, worry-free one

all the very best of luck...and report back telling us how it went, how you are

Sapphire, if he has parental responsibility of your son, he can legally take him unless a residency order is in place. Is he named on his birth cert?

It's rare for EA men to carry out this threat but some do.

I do think you are doing the right thing but I also think you ought to be aware of this. Don't let it stop you from making this break but it's another point where the advice of Womens Aid could be invaluable, particularly regarding preventative measures.

I would get all your ducks in a row before you tell him ANYTHING. Talk to Womens Aid and get their advice on how to safeguard yourself and your children, and what to do if he did try to take your DS with him when he left. Talk to your sister if you feel you can and get her ready to support you, ideally to look after the children elsewhere while you tell him. It's a bad idea to have them at his mum's, as that is where he will go if he does leave peacefully, and he may not let your DS leave again to come home to you.

He's foul, but not yet an immediate threat to your safety (from what you have said here) so you can afford to take a little time to do this in a way that safeguards you and your children's future.

Good luck Sapphire. Stick to your guns. You deserve better.

You are more than right to want to leave him.
You need to leave him for your daughter's sake. It isn't fair to be brought up by someone who barely likes her never mind love her.
Your son doesn't need someone who can't be arsed and who sees him as a toy to go off and a bargaining tool.
You need to leave him for you as well. You deserve better.
Pack his bags and tell him to go.

Oh and where do you live roughly? I'm sure there are lots of mumsnetters up for giving you a bit of real life support if you say where you are.

yeah his name is on birth cert. so that means he can legally take our DS? ): will have to get some advice on this i think.

I live in Glasgow , Scotland x

Sounds horrific the whole situation. Is he on drugs. (I'm trying to understand why he's changed) Or is it simply he realised that having a child (his own) was hard work and he could no longer be centre of attention. Well done to you for holding it all together for so long. YOur mum must be very proud of you -