I have offered so much advice to so many women, and yet now when it matters most, i cannot get through

[mamazon]

My sister has been seeing a guy for around 4 months.

from the very beginning i had a bad feeling about him. Its not that i dislike him, but straight away he reminded me of my x.

as time went by i realised why i made the comparison. he was treating her like a ossession. whilst outwardly it looked as though he just loved her very much, to me it just screamed possessive insecure control freak. nothing i could ut my finger on exactly just that general feeling. iyswim.

on wednseday he asked if he could come to see her (she lives at home with my folks and he lives in london(
she said no as my family have all been staying since christmas and they have only just gone home. they wanted a nice quiet night.

he just turned up despite her saying not to. when he got there he produced a pregnancy test for her to do. she had no reason to suspect that she was so she laughingly did the test just to rove him wrong.
it was positive.

obviously there is more to it than i can go into on here but everything about this guy screams possessive control freak abuser, and here she is pregnant by him.

she was talking about splitting with him just days before this but all of a sudden she seems to have had a change of heart.

Of all the women i have been able to help out of abusive relationships and yet my own sister refuses to listen.

I pray that im wrong about him, but sadly i am not the only one that can see the warning signs.

I feel so useless. the one thing that helps me deal with what i went through is the knowledge that my experiences have helped save others from the same fate. i dont mean that quite as selfishly as it sounds, but i am really really worried for my sister and all i can do is sit back and wait until i am proven right.

How awful for you. Do you think he tricked her into getting pregnant?

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say

he is incredibly manipulative. they have been together a matter of weeks, there is no way she would have been so careless.

yes i do think he has somehow manufactured this.

slipping off condoms?????

I guess you have to ensure that she does not become isolated from your family. Would she come to you for a girlie weekend without him?

I guess you can't say too much as it may just push them more together. Nightmare.

he stuck a pin in a condom ?

mamazon...this must feel horrible for you

but worse for her... have you had a frank talk with her, would she listen to you ?

we spoke today. I must admit i was far from considerate when she told me she was pregnant. I was so gutted that history was repeating itself, admittedly my history but even so.

I did tell her my concerns. she got angry at first. i think she thought i was telling her to have a termination.

she did finally calm down but i dont think she sees what i see. to her he is in love with her and just treating her as if she is a princess.
She cannot imagine him being anything other than kind to her.

I dont want to push too far in case she stops talking to me and runs tot him. giving him exactly what he wants.

he has already managed to change her dress style, and she doesnt go out with her friends as much.
its already started and she just doesnt see it.

I guess you need to be a close close ally and refuse to let him come between you so when she is ready to run for the hills you can be there for her.

From my experience, I agree "its already started" (turning up when she has told him to to/not going out/seeing her friends).

But its so easy to see when you're on the outside and not so easy on the inside. I know it took me months to leave my xp.

Sadly, the statistics say abuse is more likely to start during/just after pregnancy so your sis is in a difficult position.

Unfortunately, if she doesnt want to listen there doesnt seem to be much anyone can do other than stand back and wait to support her when the fallout happens.

Does she post on here? Could you ask her to start a thread about what's been happening = she can be assured of a straight-forward response from impartial folk which might give her a jolt.

Sorry you're in this situation Mamazon.

I think you are too close, I think all you can do is be there for her - I presume she knows about your ex and you leaving? I remember some of your posts on other threads and recall that your ex was pretty far off the scale though, so she might find it hard to relate the two in her head - this could also be masking things, if she does begin to have doubts, she might think "But he isn't that bad, he isn't as bad as mamazon's ex, I shouldn't complain" - obviously I don't know you or your sister or your relationship, so can't say whether she would think this, but she might.

I think the best thing you can do is keep letting her know if she needs advice at any time you will be there and that she shouldn't feel ashamed or like she has nothing to complain about, that it doesn't matter if it is petty, if she ever thinks she might want to leave she can confide in you and you will help her. I think if you tell her this, she will remember it on some level.

I don't know what your situation was re children with your ex, but I know that I got pregnant by my EA ex just about when the "honeymoon" period wore off, I started to have doubts at that point but stuck by him "for the baby" - when DS was born though my loyalty was to him and I saw sense fairly quickly, probably because I didn't have X years of a relationship to "throw away". HTH a bit.

Is there really nothing you can say? Not one small thing to sow a seed of doubt? Followed by another, and another etc?

How bloody awful. You must be feeling quite sick. I do hope you manage to do something for her in time.

"Sis I'm sorry I flew off the handle about x the other day, you know how worried I get for you. It's not like he does y or z like ex h did is it?" - A possible way of dropping indicators of abusive partners into the conversation without being in her face about what to look for.

I think you'll have to bite your tongue for a bit, because she'll pull away if you make her feel too uncomfortable. And when you've been warned off someone, it makes it even harder to swallow your pride and admit that the person giving the warning was right.

Chances are that he'll try to separate her from you. I think you just have to hang in there and not allow it to happen. Just keep maintaining contact, calm and cheerful, even if you suspect she gets a hard time from him about it.

She knows what you think. You have to give her the chance to see it for herself.

Hi Mamazon
Very odd and controlling that he appeared with the test - especially when told actually I dont want a visitor today!

Could he have tampered with the test? I dont know if that if possible. If he suspected that she might ditch him, could he have tampered with the test to make it positive and to encourage her to stay with him?
Possibly that is a ridiculously farfetched idea.

I agree with Bertiebotts and think that you are possibly too close to her to be able to help - you might be better saying your opinion and then just being her support from there on, whatever she decides to do

How is she explaining the fact that she's pregnant if she genuinely thought there was no reason she would be? Assuming they were using condoms surely she has to realise that he has irrevocably (?sp) abused her trust.

you could be rightt with a couple of those points actually bertie.

once she had calmed down i was trying to explain to her that in the early days xp was just like him. that until that very first slap i would have sworn on my life that he would never lay a finger on me.

I am going to bite my tongue for as long as i can. I left the conversation telling her i would support her through whatever decision she made so i just hope she continues to confide in me.

it does make me feel sick. part of me thinks i am just over thinking it, that my own issues ahve come forward and now i am projecting my own feelings on to her.
but then the rest of me, my instincts and my gut tell me that this man is wrong wrong wrong.

they say the hardest thing to do is nothing. i think i am going to have to give it a try

oh mamazon, how devastating that your sister's making her mistake - despite having the benefit of your own experience! As you say, you do help loads of women. You must be as frustrated as hell over this. Maybe she sees how beautifully you've turned out in the end, and thinks strange men can't be that damaging after all ...

Okay, on to practicalities. First, what method of contraception wee they using?
Next, would you believe Google records 470,000 searches on "how to get a false positive on a pregnancy test"?
You might be interested in this result.

Next: Have you got a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Select some of the most relevant passages, and show them to sis. If she won't listen, keep leaving the book open until she has her "Oh. My. God." moment!!

It looks like a scary situation. What a blummin' weirdo. Hope I don't need to say this, but try & take care not to let this trigger personal reactions in you - you're helping your sister out, nothing more.

Love & luck.

mamazon, I trust you to do the right thing

good luck x

Can you buy her one of those digital tests that tell you exactly how many days/weeks you are as a congratulations gift - it may be negative???

Going back to what maxpower said - there's more, you know. Does your sister not find it even a tiny little bit sinister that her lover turned up with a pregnancy test unasked ... and certain that it would be positive?

I know how, in the early months of a love affair, you feel telepathically connected ... but telepathically connected to her uterus?
More connected to it, in fact, that she is??
Come on.

dear lord Grace, that link is a bit terrifying.

she was on the pill and guess what, he advised her to stop taking it because i was giving her mood swings. they were using condoms and one must have "split"

shudder shudder shudder shudder

Oh, no. You must feel so helpless for her.

Is there anyone else who could voice your thoughts to her? It would have to be a close relationship, for you to be able to trust the person, and for the person to relay your sister's secrets to you. Perhaps the only person who could break that trust, in order to save her, is your mother? I'm sorry I don't know your personal circumstances, but is that possible?

And if so, you must never let your sister know how she has been played; she will feel so ashamed she will hate herself and possibly both of you.

Good luck, keep trying gently, and talk to others if you can.

It must be really hard to watch your sister go through this mamazon. If it is any consolation, she will be a much stronger person when she has come through this and I just hope she sees sense before too long... though since the relationship is very early days now, and she has the benefit of your experience (she will have registered your concern on some level, even if she is not showing it now) hopefully she will not be taken in for too long.

I was going to say that if it's a false test, she should find out soon enough - and then I thought she might end up having sex without a condom in the interim, thinking the damage has already been done. Can you advise her to keep insisting on condoms (supplied by herself), at least for a few weeks?

mum is not an option. she has shared my fears for some time and she and my sister had a row about him a few days ago. when mum found out she was pregnant she went mental.

she is angry that my sister watched what i went through and is still allowing herslef to be sucked in.

Mums reaction is far from helping, even though i know exactly how she feels.

everyone that has met him feels the same way. maybe not suspecting the future EA but they do feel he is too possessive of her and certainly not right for her.

My best friend is also a good friend of my sisters, she is also trying to play the gentle advice whilst listening ear game. i am hoping she is emotionally removed enough to get through.