I have offered so much advice to so many women, and yet now when it matters most, i cannot get through

[mamazon]

My sister has been seeing a guy for around 4 months.

from the very beginning i had a bad feeling about him. Its not that i dislike him, but straight away he reminded me of my x.

as time went by i realised why i made the comparison. he was treating her like a ossession. whilst outwardly it looked as though he just loved her very much, to me it just screamed possessive insecure control freak. nothing i could ut my finger on exactly just that general feeling. iyswim.

on wednseday he asked if he could come to see her (she lives at home with my folks and he lives in london(
she said no as my family have all been staying since christmas and they have only just gone home. they wanted a nice quiet night.

he just turned up despite her saying not to. when he got there he produced a pregnancy test for her to do. she had no reason to suspect that she was so she laughingly did the test just to rove him wrong.
it was positive.

obviously there is more to it than i can go into on here but everything about this guy screams possessive control freak abuser, and here she is pregnant by him.

she was talking about splitting with him just days before this but all of a sudden she seems to have had a change of heart.

Of all the women i have been able to help out of abusive relationships and yet my own sister refuses to listen.

I pray that im wrong about him, but sadly i am not the only one that can see the warning signs.

I feel so useless. the one thing that helps me deal with what i went through is the knowledge that my experiences have helped save others from the same fate. i dont mean that quite as selfishly as it sounds, but i am really really worried for my sister and all i can do is sit back and wait until i am proven right.

I can see why you are so upset and frustrated and it sounds like you have enough experience to know a controlling relationship when you see one.

I think though, that its a (sad) fact, that few of us listen to good advice if its not asked for, or wanted. If you feel your partner is right for you, can anyone really convince you they are not?? I don't think so.....

Sounds like your sister is just not in the right place to listen to you. Its understandable that you are trying to point things out to her, it's what any loving sibling would do (especially one who has ben through it themselves). But you can't make her listen, no matter how much you wish she would.

As others have said, your best strategy is probably to do what you can to be her best friend and confidante, even if that means biting your tongue at times. I know that the friends I confide in most are the least judgemental of all, they give great advice but also accept my 'bad' decisions.

Try to avoid a situation where she feels she cannot come to you because she doesn't want you to be proved 'right'.

I have just read my post and I am aware its a bit bossy sounding- you probably know all this already but you are so close to the situation that it might be hard to make objective choices.

Make sure you have someone who is not involved, or us lot, who you can vent to though or you will explode.

FWIW I think the pregnancy test thing is really wierd, either he had noticed her period was late or he is not to be trusted.

Mamazon, could you persuade her to do another pg test before he convinces her that there's no longer any point using contraception? Take one of those new, snazzy 'You're 2.37 days pregnant' types so she knows more about what stage she's at, perhaps?

So he gets her to stop taking the pill after dating a few weeks.

And then claims the condom must have split.

Condoms with typical use the effectiveness rate is around 86-90%. With perfect use, according to WHO, the effectiveness is 97%.

Claiming the condom split is an well-known, overused excuse. Yes some do, but it used to explain away the embarrassment of not getting round to using one or not using one early enough. But if your sister had no suspicions at all that she had had unprotected sex but he strangely did?

And then turn up, having been told expressly not to, with a pg test. Either your sister is not being straight with you and they have discussed the possibility of her being pg or this has been orchestrated by him.

Bloody hell.

This is creepy indeed.

Has anyone ever actually had a condom split on them? I have heard this more times than I can count but I've also had a fair bit of sex and it has never happened to me or any of my friends. He has orchestrated this alright. How awful.

Mamazon - on the off chance that he did give her a dodgy test (as grace linked to) would she consider buying a test for herself and taking another one - just to make sure?

Im suspicious that he brought a test round but she hadnt even noticed or experience symptoms - not that everyone does of course, I certainly did though!

I suppose we should consider the possibility that she was ttc (equally scary, but a different dilemma). She hadn't stopped drinking, refusing cheese & egg dishes, that sort of thing??

she doesnt see why he would do something like that so it just doesnt occur to him.

she has done 2 of those digital ones today. one said she was 4 to 6 weeks, an the next said 2 to 3.
she has called the DR to arrange an ante natal check up to see if the dates are correct.

her cycle is quite disrupted and the Gp was saying by her last menstrual date she would be 11 weeks!

This is such an awful thing to say but the more i think of it the more i am wanting her to terminate

So she is definately pregnant - oh dear is all I can think to say

no Grace, she was definitely not TTC. it would have been the last thing on her mind. in fact she attended a friends birthday with me and had to go home early as she was so legless....i can see how she got so drunk so quickly now!

Its not awful to say here- you are just being honest, you need to be or you will struggle to go with your strategy of biting your tongue.

The thing is, she's just not going to want to hear it. And so she'll be putting the proverbial fingers in her ears, shouting lalalalala if you try to persuade her he's up to no good. Plus, of course, it'll be easier for her to pretend that your concerns stem from your own experiences and that somehow you're biased.
I suppose that, frustrating as it must be (understatement, I know) you're just going to have to watch and wait. And be on hand to step in to support her if when things go really bad.

So sorry your mum is in that position, too. How hellish for you both. Good luck to your friend.

And, yes, do keep venting away from her. I have just written on another thread that people can do crazy things against their own interests if they crack. In your case, it would be haranguing her with how you really feel, perhaps telling her she's stupid and naive.... You can imagine what sort of things you might say if you get going, out of fear, love, guilt... Get this picture, and keep it, to keep you from cracking in this way.

Did you write anything down when you were with your ex, which might help you understand the mentality, as it would appear to you as (now) an outsider? Any clues as to triggers which might have forced you to confess and flee, not caring any more how ashamed you might be, that someone realised what you were putting up with?

she is a typical 23 year old who wants to go out at weekends with her friends and get drunk.

she was planning her holiday abroad with the girls ...till he butted in and said he would be going too...only this weekend.

having a baby was the very last thing she was planning.

she did scream at me, when we first started the conversation, that i was the last person she would be taking relationship advice from given how great mine have been

I am hoping she was just trying to be hurtful but it did make me back off a bit.

"the more I think of it the more I want her to terminate"

Please focus on the fact that there can be a happy ending.

My case was very typical, DV started the moment I found out I pregnant. I desperately wanted things to work out for the sake of my unborn child.

My mum hated him but I wouldnt listen to her pleas for me to leave and move back in with her.

Not going into it too much, but things escalated very quickly and I left when DS was 6 weeks old.

Having DS was the making of me and gave me the stregnth to carry on.

I went on to meet my now DH (a lovely soul) and have 3 dc's.

Your sister will realise eventually and when she does it will be good for her to know that her family understand and will support her.

WV no i didnt write anythhing down for fear of him finding it but i do remember it all very clearly.

i know exactly how she is feeling, and how she is sitting there thinking we are just against him and her and how we are saying these things to ruin her relationship. that we are all so wrong about him because we just dont know him like she does etc etc etc .

the problem is that it is just such a drip drip effect that by the time she realises its happening she is too far along the line, she is so far into it that she doesnt feel she can get out.

sadly i was already heavily pregnant before the first slap. even then i told myself it wasnt a slap, that he was stressed because i was hormonal and had provoked him with my moodiness.

I am trying so desperately to think of something i can say to help her see what i can see but im scared the more i talk about it the further i am pushing her into his arms.

I dont want to turn him into some kind of Romeo to his Juliet.

I dunno what to suggest...

Oh god, mamazon, how awful.
What is the one thing that would have stopped you, when you were at the rosy stage with your ex?

Mine was also a violent control freak.
In your position now, I think I might try getting her on her own, and reading to her the relevant bits from Why does he do that, or another similar book, about how nice they are at the start, and how they encroach on your freedom, or give it to her to read.

Turning up when not invited... that is so the sort of thing my ex used to do. But I didnt know it was a small sign of things to come.

As you know it will be classic behaviour to try and isolate her from her family. He will probably use the excuse that he knows you all dont like him, blah, blah.

The best thing to do atm is not to talk, but listen.

My mum and my friends could have talked until they were blue in the face about how I should leave but until I was ready it was all falling on deaf ears.

I know it must be so hard to keep quiet but dont give him the ammunition iykwim.

I am working on the theory that if we give him enough rope..

We have hopefully sown the seed and she will see it for what it is sooner than i did.

I know i need to give her the space to reach the conclusion herself, its just so hard.

I am very glad to have a distraction tomorrow. i think i need to try and stop thinking about it for a while for my own sanity.

But there must be something! some key fact, or word.
I am trying to remember what would have convinced me. My parents made it easy for him, by condemning him and refusing to meet him, from the moment they heard that I had met a man I fancied. Well, obviously, thats why I fell into his trap.
Then they had lots of serious chats about how awful he was, but from a standpoint of never having met him, and without going into any details.
sorry, this isnt much help is it - its just what not to do.

That is probably a very good theory.

She will have your experiences in the back of her head so I think she will see things sooner if that helps.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Am off to bed now but keep us posted. Have been there and back again so if I can be of any help....

I dunno ... This kind of thing happens so often, maybe it is worth mulling over a bit more? Turning up uninvited, for example. I had no idea that was a warning sign until this minute! My ex did that: not with a pregnancy test, but I found him in my bed after I'd been to an awards night (he'd bullied my flatmate into letting him in).

After divorcing, I asked everybody why they hadn't said anything - and they wailed "but we did!" They had told me things like he "wasn't right for me" and "wasn't bright enough for me" but nobody told me he was displaying specific, verifiable symptoms of a control freak.

I don't know if that would have made a difference. It might have done. What do you think?

Grace, me too, I only realised it reading this thread!
I also think I would have responded to details, especially if written down in a textbook by a doctor! ie Lundy Bancroft.

He sounds nuts.I can understand your worry,she seems to be on the defensive now though which will make things easier for him. Try and keep her close,and suggest things in an oblique way,eg does she think he is desperate for a baby? that sort of thing.I don't know what would have helped me (I had a boyfriend who was controlling and then violent) but reading something might have rung alarm bells sooner and made me feel more sure of myself. I was 23 too and he was my first boyfriend so it was hard to make sense of what was happening.I trust your instincts because you now know all the signs as do I.I feel for you,you must be so worried.Just keep communication going with your sister and give her a lot of love and positive support so she doesn't become estranged from you and others close to her.