My husband will not LISTEN when I am talking to him about problems in our marriage. How do you overcome this?

[Billy123]

Have namechanged because I have a feeling the dcs have been bandying my chat name around (with their friends' mums!).

I love my husband dearly, and I love our family. We are a happy family I would say but there are some quite major problems that I have been speaking to dh about for a couple of years and he hears what I am saying but does not listen.

The root of our problem is based around the fact that we hardly ever see each other. This is due to the fact that I work regular hours and he doesn't. A lot of his work is done in the evenings. Last week, for example, I saw him on Monday night and that was it.

About a year ago, I told him this wasn't sustainable, that we couldn't see each other so little. He agreed and we came up with a plan whereby he would either quit his job and take another one with similar hours to mine or he would give it up altogether and do something from home. Neither of these things has happened and I'm pretty sure his suggestion of these things was mere lip service. In fact, today I asked him how he was progressing with either and he said 'you've got to be joking, I'm not even thinking about those options for at least another few years'.

Well I can't carry on in this marriage for another few years when I'm seeing him so little. What frustrates me even more is that I have to travel for work but have put my foot down and said I won't do it any more because this results in us seeing even less of each other (and obviously the children not seeing us together at all!). I have one trip I have to make but I arranged with work that he and the children could come (as it's a great location for a holiday and I would take a few days off) and now dh is saying he doesn't want to come because it's a long way away and I will be working for most of the time so what's the point . Well the point was we'd all be together for a lot of the time.

I just can't get where he is coming from. He loves his job, I get that, but it is killing our marriage and our family life seeing each other so little.

I told him I would quit my job tomorrow but doing that plunges us into financial uncertainty as I earn almost double what he does and pay all the bills/childcare etc. so it makes absolutely no financial sense me doing this.

He loves me, I know he does. But he will not LISTEN and believe the damage this is doing. How do I get through to him without something drastic like leaving which I don't want to do?

It's difficult if he loves his job,and you sound like you don;t want to change yours.
Would you really quit your job tomorrow?
Maybe he thinks its not really fair for him to quit his job and you get to keep yours.
you need to come to a compromised decision that both of you are happy with.
It doesn't really sound like he's not listening, more he doesn't want to change his life too much.. it is a big deal changing jobs.
just playing devils advocate really.

Some marriages do work when you don't see each other that much.

Yes, I suppose you are right. He doesn't want to give up his job and I agree, why he should he but we looked at compromises and he suggested the ones below but obviously had no intention of going after them.

Personally, I don't want a family life where we see each other one evening a week. I don't think it is that great for the children too to have us all together for such a short time.

What I mean by not listening I suppose is that I tell him how unhappy this makes me and he comes up with these compromises just to pacify me (it seems) but has no intention of ever following anything through so we go round in circles.

i'd suggest that the best way forward might be with someone to facilitate your discussions (relate for e.g.?)

even going to relate might make him realise how serious you are.

you obviously thought you were negotiating before but he was just placating you... you need to engage him in serious discussion and negotiation and i think a neutral observer mgiht help that.

good luck, i know where you're coming from as i would hate to see my DP so seldom too.

and the job change (for him) would be doing the same as he is doing now but with different hours. It would be very hard work to look for something now (in the current economic climate) but he could do it if he wanted to.

thanks fluffles (and skinsl!)

he wouldn't go to Relate in a million years . I went and spoke to a therapist (about an unrelated matter, had to potentially go to court for something and I was advised by the police to go and see someone) and the therapist even suggested it might be a good idea for dh to come along and talk and he refused.

He's incredibly defensive and thinks every conversation I have with him about anything is an all out attack on him, which it isn't. I'm an incredibly soft old git and no other partner has ever accused me of being that way so I don't think I am for a second!

Don't give up, I'm sure there are other things that can be done.Could you go part-time? Maybe him asking to be more flexible in his hours, maybe organising a couple of days/evenings out.. making the most of your together time.Sorry if you have already tried this! Do you not have weekends either? Does he see the kids or not see you and the kids?

My dad had to work away a lot when we were kids, my parents have been married for 40 odd years and still happy, and honestly I don't think we missed out at all. What mattered was that our parents loved each other and us.

It's not that he's 'not listening' it's that he doesn't agree with you and is not prepared to change things the way you want/need them changed. And why would he? He is obviously perfectly happy with the way things are - it's you that's dissatisfied.

So far you have not convinced him that his marriage is in danger. Escalate this - insist on going to Relate, give up your job, but DO something.

Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to see more of you and the kids together and is happy not to spend much time with you. How do you feel about this?

I had to drag my DH to counselling. Never thought he would do it in a million years, but when he knew he would lose me and DS, when the chips were down, he did it. And it helps having a professional telling them they are being unreasonable!!!

traumaqueen has a good point, some men, as much as they love wife and kids need a bit more time away from the madness!! Not saying this is fair, but true

yes but this isn't a bit more time, this is almost all the time. He works weekends (most weekends) so I really barely see him at all.

Well, if this is what he does want, then I'm out of this marriage I'm afraid. I didn't get married and have kids to then bring them up on my own. I am, in practice, a lone parent with a nanny currently. I don't mind being by myself at all, am perfectly happy on my own and at the moment, I am basically on my own so it would be no great step at all to ask him to leave. It would impact the dcs though as he sees a lot more of them (than he does me) and tbh, if there was a fight over custody, he would probably win as he is around more during the day (so could take them to school etc.) when I am at work.

I do love him though, don't get me wrong. I really do. But I cannot help but feel that I am not that important to him, despite his protestations that this is true, the reality of the situation does not support what he is saying.

I mean his protestations that he does love me and wants to be with me iyswim

Does he work during the day, but just from home? Or what does he do then? What does the nanny do?

It sounds like he may be a workaholic, to me. Symptoms here.

If so, it isn't that he doesn't love you or want to be with you - it's that he's not comfortable when he's not working. (Just as an alcohol isn't comfortable when they're not drunk.)

I'm afraid I too think couples therapy, or individual therapy for him, would be a good idea. But of course if he's not willing to do it,

you need to let him know how serious this is. I'm sure if he really realises that your marriage is in trouble he will act.
tell him what you have just told us!

no, he starts work late and finishes late. Gets days off during the week but I'm at work then. On his days off, he generally slobs about at home (this is when he sees the dcs) and he is around for normally one of those evenings (the other evening, he plays sport).

He is actually quite lazy, doesn't like having to work but loves what he does so enjoys it. He also does a lot of socialising with his job which means he comes home after I'm in bed.

I have met a lot of his colleagues who all say the type of job they do is very hard on the partners but all of them are a damn sight more considerate than dh is and mostly, their wives don't work which makes it far eaiser (as then the days off, they get to spend together).

He doesn't want to change. I am happy to change but it would mean a massive massive change to our lives and tbh, I am ALWAYS the one having to change and make adjustments rather than him. My job isn't available part time - I could find another that was part time but the drop in salary would be enormous. I have told him I am happy to do this. He does not want the drop in salary that this would result in (we'd have to move house, probably move area and he is adamant that he doesn't want this).

I think he has an enormous issue with change NQC. But I have no idea how to address this. (He lived in the same house his whole life, his parents never moved, he went to one primary, one secondary school and he openly admits he can't do change at all).

You don't want to change your job because of the money, he doesn't want to change his because he enjoys it.
I agree with those who say it's not that he isn't listening to you, he just doesn't agree with you. He's happy.
Would you really be happier divorced? You say you love him dearly, it sounds as though he is there for the children and lots of couples rarely see each other because of their jobs eg HGV drivers, people in the forces.
I presume on the weekends you have the evenings together even if he's working daytime.
Not got any really useful advice, but it does sound as though you are trying to pressurise him into doing what you want when he's happy.

Billy's said that she is quite prepared to change her job even though it means less money -- it's her husband who doesn't want her to change because of the money.

Is there any chance that you could work from home a couple of days a week?

You could try writing him a letter expressing real concerns - and laying options on the line. Then at least he'd have time to absorb the severity of the situation and respond.

That said, I tried it and my H wouldn't even read the letter!! But most men aren't as bigger numpties as mine!!

So he doesn't want change his job because he enjoys.

He doesn't want you to change your job or salary because he enjoys the lifestyle it gives him.

TBH I would seriously consider getting the house valued and looking to down size/move aera so you could change jobs to part time so you could see both children and him more.

He can not have all his own way either he prepared to look/give changes a go or your marriage will fail as your only feeling towards him are only going to become worse.

yes that's it lizzie

lol violet, I know what you mean and i do feel like that now tbh!

yes, rebecca, matt has it right. I am prepared to downscale my job but he doesn't want that (and his weekend working is different to the hours during the week - he starts early and finishes late).

What is hard on that front is that he is so adamant about me not downscaling the job and moving area that he spoke to my friends about it (before I had even mentioned it to anyone) and suddenly, I had loads of people calling me up, begging me not to move and how I didn't realise how hard it would be for us and we had all our support network there etc. etc. That is how adamant he is about it.

I feel like I go home and bang my head against the wall!

What would happen if you said to him "I'm really really unhappy, I never see you, I don't want to go on like this" but then refused to suggest solutions (as he's heard them all already) and just said it over and over like a stuck record until he came up with something?

I'm amazed by all the people saying that maybe you should just put up with this. If you see him so rarely, it's as if he's not really part of the family at all - it must be very lonely for you. But unfortunately since it sounds like he's happy with things how they are, it will be up to you to make the change.

I agree with lizzie that you should start taking steps towards going part-time and downsizing - but you need to be serious and willing to go through with it. I would be furious, btw, that he went behind your back and talked to your friends to get them on side. That comes across as very controlling to me.

yes I wasn't happy about that at all steamedtreacle. When I asked him about why he had mentioned it, he said he was upset at the thought of moving and wanted to know what other people's reactions would be. He then said 'of course he would move if it was an ultimatum' but he says these things, then I start the process of looking and he spends ages saying we can't do it, he'd be too unhappy, the children would have to move schools etc. etc. He gets upset and cross if I try and make any move to change the situation we are in now, which I feel is controlling.

I think there is a big difference between us - he displays all his emotions visibly and for all to see. So for example, if he is unhappy, not only do I know about it, the children know about it, our friends know about it. And I have to work on not feeling responsibility for him being happy (because I do feel that and I know it's a recipe for disaster). So we have a marriage where he is perfectly happy and I am perfectly unhappy.

If I am unhappy, his immediate reaction is 'it's not my fault' (i.e. it's not his fault) and then he panics about how unhappy I might be because he believes he cannot make any changes to make it better. So when I say I am unhappy with the situation, he takes it completely personally and digs a hole for himself and becomes incredibly negative. Then, to get himself out the hole, he promises me all the things he has said before, feels calm as he thinks he has made the situation go away, and then does nothing about it.

We are terribly stuck and I agree, a 3rd person intervening would be the best situation, but I know what he is like (he won't go anyway). He will not listen properly, will take it all personally and then do nothing to change anyway.

I have been saying I am unhappy for a while unfortunately acanthus . It just makes him withdraw more from me as he then thinks he isn't making him happy. It doesn't spur him into doing anything.

He spoke to your friends? That is sooo controlling!

So let me get this right.

You earn the bulk of the money but regular hours so you are then around during evenings and at the weekends.

He has time off during the day, is the nanny around during that time?

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he comes up with a strategy for change that he is prepared to action immediately, or he comes to Relate with you.

Tbh he sounds like a right twat.

Are you prepared to ask him to leave?