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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I compleatly mad or is this unfair??????

55 replies

thecloudhopper · 18/01/2010 22:40

Background first-Me and my bf have been going out now for 4 years and have been looking to move in together etc but well my BF has what I would describe as major trust issues.

Tonight though realy got me and I have argued back usually I back down/keep the piece He rings me up saying where have you been? (I have been home all night but my mum has been on the phone for most of it.) I said at home why?

BF: well your mobile has been ringing and you dont get signal at yours why is that who have you been with?

ME: Nobody my phone is in the car and it must be in one of the few places I get signal.

My BF would not believe me and started being abuseive to this I put the phone down.

He rings back calling me all sorts, slag slut etc.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? STAY OR GO?

OP posts:
Squitten · 18/01/2010 22:42

Why would you want to stay with someone who talks to you like that?

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2010 22:42

Bin him. If it was completely out of the blue it might be worth asking him where all this came from, but it sounds like you've had a lot of crap off him already.
THis sort of behaviour is red-flagged for abusers, BTW - controlling, possessive, accusing you of lying andbeing abusive about it.

skymoo · 18/01/2010 22:43

Just reassure him that you love him and wouldn't do anything to hurt him

Be patient, if he is worth that much to you.

skymoo · 18/01/2010 22:45

oh, but do tell him you won't put up with the name calling - that is not acceptable

LauraIngallsWilder · 18/01/2010 22:46

I wouldnt even think of moving in with him sorry!

He obviously doesnt trust you and appears controlling from your op

Moving in with him isnt magically going to make him different is it

MrsMattie · 18/01/2010 22:46

Alarm bells should be ringing in your ears BIG time. He is possessive and verbally abusive and doesn't trust you. Do you think things will get better if you move in together? Not likely.

coppertop · 18/01/2010 22:49

Do you really want to spend the next few weeks/months/years with your phone glued to your side so that you don't get called a slag or a slut for missing a call?

And what about if you decide to move in together. Will you be expected to account for every minute of the day so that you're not accused of anything?

And what about when the day comes when you realise that you don't bother going out by yourself anymore in case you're accused of something and called names?

Run.

tanya1001 · 18/01/2010 22:51

I can talk from experience here. My H has accused me of having three affairs over the past 10 years.

He has blamed depression and now blames the AD's he was on.

Without going on about things, I would suggest counselling to get to the bottom of why he doesn't trust you. In August last year this was the condition of me staying in our relationship. It didn't work then but he is going now regularly to try and get himself sorted out.

You should not under any circumstances let him treat you like this. Stand up for yourself and tell him that you will not allow him to speak to you the way he has been. How DARE he.

My advise, get help and sort it out, or get out. He will keep doing it to you. It is a form of control.

JaynieB · 18/01/2010 22:53

Sorry to say this, but I'd be hugely cautious of this man. Given you've been together 4 years and he still doesn't trust you, I'd be seriously questioning whether he ever will. The repercussions of this kind of behaviour are not likely to make either of you happy in the long run.
Is he the kind of person who would be willing to seek some advice from a professional about this problem?
Personally I'd rather be with someone who trusts me and speaks to me with kindness and civility.

Original poster
thecloudhopper · 18/01/2010 23:00

See the thing is the alarm bells are ringing and have been for such a long time its just hard I love him .

I know if I was adviseing a friend I would say leave but easier said than done.

I think a serious chat is in order and if we can't work it out then I think this is the last straw.

Se he can be kind and sweet and will surprise me with roses etc but he can change.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 18/01/2010 23:07

Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

TheUsefulSuspect · 18/01/2010 23:14

My advice is to ignore all the warning signs, move in with him, have 1 or 2 children then come back on here in 5 years to complain about the hell your life has become.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 23:15

red flag

get out now, while you still have some self-esteem and a mind of your own

fuck the roses

buy your own roses

differentnameforthis · 18/01/2010 23:18

"Se he can be kind and sweet and will surprise me with roses etc but he can change"

Isn't that what alot of women in these situations say? "I can change him, he will change" etc.

You think it is hard now? Wait until you are living with him, tied into a rental contract or mortgage.

You really happy for him to call you a slut & a slag?

chippy47 · 18/01/2010 23:25

Go and find one of the thousands of single guys out there, who can never understand why it is all the idiots who seem to get the girl, who will treat you with some respect.
If I called my DP a slut it would take more than flowers and an apology to make things right - would probably need a new place to live.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 23:27

anybody that called me those names would be history

especially since I wasn't tied to him by finances of kids

you will find this harsh, OP, but if you carry on with this man, knowing the warnings you have had, you will only have yourself to blame when it escalates

step away, no backward glances

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/01/2010 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kinnies · 18/01/2010 23:28

Sorry sounds like my x.
You are smart enough for this to be a red flag to you. (smarter than I was)
I know youve invested alot of time in this relationship and that makes it harder to walk away, but he wont make you happy. shit as it is you know what you have to do.

Take it as an opertunity to start afresh.

2rebecca · 18/01/2010 23:31

No man has ever treated me like this. If he doesn't trust you now he never will. No man has ever called me names like that. He doesn't love you, sorry but loving someone involves respecting them. You don't call someone you love a slag and a slut. Why would you think about getting any closer to this guy?
Run away.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2010 23:34

one person treated me like this

for a short while

thankfully I woke up very quickly

mrsboogie · 18/01/2010 23:42

He has major problems. He will make your life hell if you move in with him. He doesn't love you - he wants to own and control you. He is probably too fucked up in the head to know what love is.

For God's sake if you are determined to stick with him PLEASE do not get pregnant until you have seen just how bad it gets. Because if you do you have a baby will so regret being tied to him for life.

TheUsefulSuspect · 19/01/2010 00:41

Think about this, if a friend or acquaintance treated you in such a way, would you continue to see them socially?

Of course not.

Ditch the loser before you screw up your life, people don't change, they just grind you down

hobbgoblin · 19/01/2010 00:44

Yeah, I definitely recommend staying with a jealous twunt who calls you a slag and doesn't trust you. Durrrr, don't do it. (sarcasm meant affectionately)

sb6699 · 19/01/2010 01:00

If he is like this now, just think how your life will be if you move in together.

Sorry to be blunt, but you wont change him - ever!

Run for the hills.

BitOfFun · 19/01/2010 01:04

Just fuck him off and get on with a happier life. You won't regret it, I guarantee.