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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I compleatly mad or is this unfair??????

55 replies

thecloudhopper · 18/01/2010 22:40

Background first-Me and my bf have been going out now for 4 years and have been looking to move in together etc but well my BF has what I would describe as major trust issues.

Tonight though realy got me and I have argued back usually I back down/keep the piece He rings me up saying where have you been? (I have been home all night but my mum has been on the phone for most of it.) I said at home why?

BF: well your mobile has been ringing and you dont get signal at yours why is that who have you been with?

ME: Nobody my phone is in the car and it must be in one of the few places I get signal.

My BF would not believe me and started being abuseive to this I put the phone down.

He rings back calling me all sorts, slag slut etc.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? STAY OR GO?

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 19/01/2010 01:07

In a few years time you will be asking how to leave an abusive relationship - honestly.

aurynne · 19/01/2010 01:28

Honestly, once a person has completely disrespected you like this and called you names, there is very little you can do to fix it. In my case, only one boyfriend of mine ever got to call me names like that. He did it once, after a 2-year relationship, and we were living together. i was out of that house and his life in a week after the incident (the time it took me to find another rental).

Original poster
thecloudhopper · 19/01/2010 07:55

I know you are all right I think the best thing I can do is meet him on Sat and just say it like it is.

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
upahill · 19/01/2010 08:03

Cloudhopper,
Let us know how you get on because I know it wn't be easy for you.

I am amzed that you needed to ask the question in view of what he has called you.

If someone said that to a sister, close friend or in the future a daughter you may have would you be happy? There is your answer.

diddl · 19/01/2010 08:35

How can you love someone who doesn´t trust you & is verbally abusibe?

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 08:45

Take it as a warning and get out now-he will only get worse and it will be more difficult to leave.

Supercherry · 19/01/2010 08:49

Your boyfriend sounds like an ex of mine, extremely jealous, possessive and controlling. I stupidly thought that being patient and kind would help him with his 'issues', it didn't. He quickly became abusive, and it got worse when we lived together.

Please don't stay with this abuser, you deserve better, trust your gut instinct. They don't change. Don't let him talk you round, they are really good at that. Ignore the crying and begging (if he's anything like my ex). Good luck for sat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2010 08:50

cloudhopper,

re your comments:-

"See the thing is the alarm bells are ringing and have been for such a long time its just hard I love him".

But I love him - oh fgs you hang yourself by your own petard if you truly believe that. He does not love you, he does not even know the meaning of the word. Him calling you sliut and slag and being paranoid over your phone, what is there exactly to love about this man?.

He is NOT your project to rescue and or save, some women take on men who turn out to be abusive in the hopes of saving and or rescuing them. NO. Presumably he's told you that "you're the only one who understands me" with the subtext to this being that you'd be nothing without him.

"I know if I was adviseing a friend I would say leave but easier said than done".

What do your family and friends think of him?. You now know that things are bad. You can get out before it gets worse because it certainly will get worse.

"I think a serious chat is in order and if we can't work it out then I think this is the last straw".

Bet you've had chats with him on a similar vein before haven't you?. With the same result of him promising to change but in the end he reverts back to being Mr Abusive. These men do not change

BTW these men are not twunts all the time; abusers act in a circle of nice/nasty but the circle is round. If they were nasty all the time to their unfortunate victim (you in this case) no-one in their right mind would want to be with such men.

"Se he can be kind and sweet and will surprise me with roses etc but he can change"

Buy your own roses instead. Roses alone do not make up for his abuse. Stop believing that he can change. No he cannot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2010 08:51

Major trust issues can also be a sign of inherent paranoia. He is not worth any more of your time.

Supercherry · 19/01/2010 08:55

Don't let him make you doubt yourself. If you can a copy of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' before saturday, it would be well worth having a quick read.

Abusive men can really fuck your head up to the point where you don't know whether your coming or going, this book really clarified everything for me.

AliGrylls · 19/01/2010 09:06

I am with the people who say get out - as fast as you can. The longer you stay with him the more he will fuck with your head.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2010 09:11

All the idiot had to do was ring your landline, surely? Then he'd know you were at home on the phone. No, he'd rather accuse you of some dirty doings. This isn't just about trust, it's about control and it is no way to run a relationship. When he looks at you he doesn't see the real person at all.

You love him because you are a loving person, not because he is a deserving object. All the roses in the world can't make up for that kind of treatment. Run away, nurse your sadness and find someone who will love and trust you.

Yes, I've been there, so you might say I'm projecting, but there are disturbing similarities. I knew that my bf had insecurity issues because of his upbringing, and was sure that in a while he would learn to trust me. He was so sweet and sensitive and had been ill-treated by girlfriends in the past, but I am a very honest and loyal person so it would be ok once we'd got married and he could see that I wasn't the type to run around. After 25 years of marriage and four children he was worse than ever. He remembered every time he thought I was up to something and used it as evidence that I had been, or had been planning to. He kept a bundle of notes on my behaviour for 23 years (spooked the life out of me when he showed me, quite proud of it he was too). He kept accusing me of a "past" that I wouldn't have been ashamed of if I'd had, I just hadn't had one (and still haven't, even though he told his solicitor and his brother and sister and the man at the CAB that I was leaving him for "younger men").

Reader, I divorced him. He drove me to the brink of madness. Mind you he didn't use language like the OP's offensive bf towards me. The worst he used was "bitch", and my unimpressed reaction meant he didn't do it again for 20 years. There were a few other issues that made living with him very difficult, but it was the never-ending accusations of infidelity that brought the marriage to an end. In a sense I should be grateful for it because otherwise I might still be married to him, putting up with the rest of the crap.

Run away - now - honestly.

Supercherry · 19/01/2010 09:12

you're coming or going

Buda · 19/01/2010 09:22

He doesn't respect you. He can't love you and respect you and value you the way you (1) love and respect and value him and (2) DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND VALUED AND RESPECTED.

He will never respect you. And you cannot have a future with a man who is so low as to call his girlfriend, the one he is supposed to love, such vile names.

He cannot and will not change as he will never see that he is in the wrong.

Please have some respect for yourself and walk away now while you are not tied to him financially and with children.

Roses are not worth putting up with this. Roses are a gesture. Roses are him giving big gestures that mean nothing. I have been with my DH for over 20 years and he has bought me roses once about 20 years ago. But he respects and values me and would never, ever call me names like that.

On the other hand I was in a long on and off relationship with a guy when I was much younger and he physically attacked me (in public) once when he thought I was spending to long talking to another guy. His best friend pulled him off me. We were through from that moment on. He sent me roses the next day. A gesture. That is all they were. The truth was the lack of trust and the physical attack.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/01/2010 10:43

Abusers are very charming when they're not being abusive. Come on, if a man calls you a cunt and punches you on the first date he's never going to get another chance, is he? Abusers alternate between abuse and grandiose romantic gestures. It's part of the treatment, to make you confused, to make you doubt yourself and feel unworthy - how could you object to his cruelty when he's such a wonderful passionate romantic man? It must be all your fault...
Bin this fuckwit. Because if you don't, he'll hurt you. You'll end up in hospital. Or, eventually, dead at his hands. Abusers kill their partners.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2010 11:39

Oh, they don't always kill them, to be fair. Mine was passive-aggressive and never laid a hand on me. Instead he worked on my self-esteem and sanity. I feel my scalp tightening even thinking about it. They behave like arses and then they rationalise it away afterwards, bring you roses (which in our case came off my credit card) and all is sweetness and light until the next time you want to do something on your own, something really dodgy like, ooh, staying home and telephoning your mum. Solution: never do anything on your own, in case he doesn't like it. Or alternatively - did I already say "run away"?

It's not love as we know it, Jim. It's more like a kid with a teddy bear, biting and throwing it but screaming the place down if you take it away. Does the kid really love its teddy? No, it loves having something to bite and throw. This sort of thing is cute when they're small, but fortunately most of them grow out of it. Some never do, though. They just grow up to treat their girlfriends like teddy bears; something you cuddle because it's yours, but which doesn't have any feelings of its own, so if you feel like throwing it at the wall, why shouldn't you? Teddy bears are always available when you want to pick them up. They never argue back. They never go out with their mates. They don't get offended if you swear at them. They are there for you all the time because that's what a girlfriend, er, teddy bear is for, right? They don't need a life of their own.

You are a human being, not a toy.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 14:40

they kill your self-respect and murder your sense of well-being though...

MorrisZapp · 19/01/2010 14:56

Total non starter.

He is and must be history.

If you stay with him it will get much worse.

mrsruffallo · 19/01/2010 14:58

Totally agree with MoZapp- run to the hills!

ChickensLoveMarmite · 19/01/2010 15:01

Run. Run away now, why you have the legs to do it. You shouldn't have to account for your time. It should be about partnership, not ownership.

mrsruffallo · 19/01/2010 15:04

What are you waiting for?
Begone!

Forthebest · 19/01/2010 15:08

OP please read my thread. I started off thinking just like you that I could talk to him and everything was going to be ok because I " loved him " and he loved me.

It wasn't ok. It ISNT ok.

It got worse and worse and now I have no social life, barely any friends and a life where I walk around with my mobile phone in my hand rather then in my bag incase I miss a call and get the " where have you been and who with ??? " conversation.

Oh and he has never called me names like that either.

Please have a good hard think. You sound like a nice girl who deserves more. By all means have the chat. Have you had it more then once though ??

Hullygully · 19/01/2010 15:19

Don't be silly. Put stinging nettles down your knickers instead.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/01/2010 22:41

AGGYG: - jealous abusers often do kill. If the woman doesn't get away in time. And TBH the longer the relationship's been going on, the bigger the risk upon leaving.
OP: dump him now but be aware that he might become troublesome and if he does don't be scared to involve the authorities.

Snorbs · 19/01/2010 23:03

From the Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser:

"10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with.... If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. "