would you think differently about a friend if you found out they had been having an affair for 5 yrs with their friends dh

[brimfull]

tis very weird feeling

I feel quite cheated as well

I think I would be most shocked that the affair was with a close friend's DH - its the double betrayal which would make me .

Not sure i'd want to be super close friends after that as I do actually think its pretty morally reprehensible behaviour. And yes I am judging.

Very sad for all concerned though.

And actually I am

truly

staggered

that anyone is STAGGERED to discover that someone sees the world differently to them.

It's this black and white mindset you've got going down Lulu.

Of course. Completely different. Like the rug had been pulled from under me. Will now go and read rest of thread.

Blimey I hope none of you lot are ever put in charge of CRB checking

It's quite FASCINATING discovering how many people you work with have been done for armed robbery etc

But more seriously - who said that not judging a friend for having an affair = thinking affairs are absolutely fine?

They're not really. Anyone I know who is having one, I tend to try and gently dissuade from doing so, as it always ends up badly and painfully imo.

however, I don't tell them I find their behaviour repugnant and drop them as a friend

See, grey. Shades of grey. [john major emoticon]

ok - you guys - i ve just joineed so a learner. i think i will stop emailing. sorry. thanks

Shades of grey indeed - but for me personally it would be the fact it was a close friend's DH and that they all had dinner etc together.

Thats just not nice behaviour is it really?

Push comes to shove I wouldn't drop the friend either but I would think 'wow - we do see the world/friendship/marriage' very differntly.

stop it, 100x, i'm trying to be cross and outraged

i do agree there are various shades and hues of grey in life, millions of permutations

but in Luluworld, a five year affair falls into the category of BAD.

and seprating the behaviour from the person would be impossible for me

i am not surprised people have differing opinions to me, not at all, but i thought with most people, the moral compass would swing towards 'BAD' in terms of 5 years of lying/deceiving

to be thought of as immature for thinking differently is a bit unsettling, being thought of as immature for taking a hardline on infidelity is a bit unsettling.

i think we all make judgements on so many things eavh and every day and for me , some of those judgements would fall into a black or white category

i cannot think of a circumstance where a 5 year affair would not fall into the bad category.

be

No. don't go snowowl.

Carry on emailing and posting. You will HONESTLY get lots of good advice and help. Go to the top of this thread and hit Start a New Conversation in this Topic

I think it's quite serious, and it sounds horrid. Please don't go. I just think you'll get more attention and help with your own conversation, rather than on here?

These threads certainly tell you a lot about peoples moral values.

Why would anyone want to be friends with people who can behave in this truly selfish and apalling manner?
The single fact of them appearing with their respective unknowing spouses at your house for dinner is enough to show a complete lack of good judgement or respect for anyone else on their part. What vile individuals they both must be.

Obviously ggirl feels deceived. Like she didn't know her friend for the past 5 years at least. I would find that very difficult if I were in her position (quite separate to judgeyness over friend's morality).

Yes, sorry, immature was a bit strong and in fact, sounded horribly like a judgement

I understand completely, but honestly think most people on here agree with you too.

In the village I used to live in, a married woman started an affair with a married man, and they ended up living in her house - with her husband And everyone was up in arms and FURIOUS and mean about the whole thing, and people would actually cross the road when they saw her coming. And I went to see her one day and she was sad and confused and just a normal person making some pretty wacky and dangerous decisions, and I just couldn't for the life of me think of her as 'bad'.

oh yes, you judgethed

I'm actually awaiting news of my sainthood. They said it was 'in the post'.

I really feel as if levels of maturity are ever such a grey area, it really isn't clear cut at all

can't think what you mean junglist

The further removed you are, the less likely you are to judge it clear-cut black. Also, the further it all is in the past.

And the closer you are to 100, the more likely it is you judge it grey

I am actually a donkey.

well you lot have been busy haven't you?

I have been talking to friend , she is not a bad person , she has made some shitty bad decisions and she knows that.

I will support her and the feeling I have of being deceived will subside I guess.

I couldn't abandon her , we are too close despite what has happened.

"As for 'is he shagging my husband' that's just silly. Why would she be? Are women who have affairs still considered to be 'whores' who are willing to sleep with anybody's husband?"

I think you?re missing the point Morriszapp. She?s not just having an affair with a random woman?s husband,, she?s shagging a friend?s husband. That implies a lack of loyalty to her friend, don?t you think? It?s that angle I?m coming from, not the ?women who have affairs are whores? one. I would just question why I needed a friend whom I knew didn?t value her friendships particularly highly. Lady Glencora has also made that point and people keep on going on about sexual morality. It isn't just about that, it's about friendship.

And LOLOLOL at: "...branding them a liar and dishonest and untrustworthy as a friend because they had an adulterous relationship for five years"

Er, sorry but if it's with her friend's DH she's had an adulterous relationship, then she is untrustworthy as a friend. I just wonder what you have to do to qualify as untrustworthy as a friend, shagging a friend's husband would always be on my list of top ten "untrustworthy things your friend might do" list. It absolutely beats stealing your secret pastry recipe and then passing it off as her own.

well

she was disloyal to that friend. Doesn't mean she is to ggirl. People do have this annoying habit of managing to be not just one thing or the other.

Oh I'm pleased ggirl. I expect she didn't tell you as she knew it was wrong, and knew you'd tell her to stop, and she didn't want to? do you think? All sounds a mess. I hope you feel less deceived too in time.

This is the second time this sort of situation has happened to friends of ours.
Last one was very messy indeed dh was v friendly with adulterous bloke and I was friendly with both women.
God that was a stressful time.

Your right 100 , she wanted it to carry on , wonder what would have happened if the culpit text wasn't found

I think it happens a lot TBH

Life is messy!

And in 40 years they'll all be dying off and there'll be all THAT shit to deal with

You sound like a good friend

Yes, it's horrid, really horrid. There's such a lot of hurt involved isn't there, and people want you to take sides etc.