would you think differently about a friend if you found out they had been having an affair for 5 yrs with their friends dh

[brimfull]

tis very weird feeling

I feel quite cheated as well

I recently found out a friend had been having an affair for 15 years

Both families have children with SEN and have never been able to see a way out - both people involved have been depressed for most of that period

All this "they deserve it" etc. - I don't understand it at all TBH - but I would guess that anyone with that attitude is NOT going to be told the truth by their friends who are having affairs - obviously!

Actually I would be glad that she hadn't told me (especially if you socialise in a group regularly), that would have been awful for you.

I would still be miffed that I hadn't noticed at all. I am so crap at being secretive that I usually mistrust people who are.

Exactly MP. If people give off the vibe - or state openly - that anybody who has an affair disgusts them then they're less likely to be the chosen confidantes of people having affairs.

Simples.

Well quite MZ

Were I having an affair, I would know EXACTLY which of my friends to confide in TBH.

I don't give a toss what my friends get up to, as long as they are funny

I try not to get too high horsey with my friends cos I might need them to be forgiving and non judgy of me too one day.

Don't worry you can always confide in me

(as long as you are funny, and don't mind me telling everyone all your innermost secrets when I'm next drunk)

She's not that funny actually -maybe I should drop her

If it was one of my closest friends, no it wouldnt matter one iota, she would have told me long before anyways because she knows I would never ever judge her. My closest friend, we have been friends since the age of 2 at playgroup. I would feel shocked yes, and upset for all involved, but it wouldnt change my friendship with her. I would support her best I could

An affair that has lasted 5 years is completely different from some cheap quick shag-fest - your friend obviously has very strong feelings for this man and this affair must have turned her life upside down.

Ggirl you sound like you're being a good friend to her at a time in her life when she needs you most so good for you. None of us are perfect, and one day you might need her so if she's been a good friend to you in the past I would support and try to understand her, not judge.

Presuming she's only told you now the shit has hit the fan and everyone (including her DH?) knows, there is a case for you to be grateful to her for not lumbering you with this awful burden at any point in the last 5 years. Information like that is horrible to know sometimes, especially if you are friends with her DH and the other couple.

I don't think it follows that adulterers lie about everything and I do think there is something about hating the actions, but still loving the person - your friend. I've got friends who've been the OW in affairs and I've made it clear that I hate what they are doing, but will always be there for them and support them (and have, when it's always gone tits up).

This though, is what I would call a "double-breach" infidelity. Her poor friend will feel that two people she used to trust most have betrayed her. That must be a horrible place to be. I do think I would feel differently about a friend who could do that - it's particularly cruel.

It's the fact that it was with the dh of another close friend - she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

Too right Vinomum - none of us are perfect - but to treat a friend so callously is dreadful.

It's the "don't shit on your own doorstep" thing. (Not that I'm condoning adultery). The ramifications of this for your whole friendship group are likely to be huge. I've been through this as a friend and found it completely unsustainable. In my case, Wife A married Husband A and began affair with Husband B (Husband A's very good friend) one month later Whole story came out - drama drama drama - it was absolutely dreadful. Wife A and Husband B wanted me and DH to go on holiday with them to make it look more like a "friends holiday". Errrr. No.

Your friend is in bits because her selfish actions of five feckin years have come home to roost. I'm not saying don't sympathise with her, but it needs to come with a dose of reality too. She (and he) made choices.

Depends on how close a friend they were. i would try not to be judgemental about it and i wouldn't take sides. It does not make me think they had lied about any other aspect of their lives. It does make me think that there was something missing from their marriage(s) which they should probably worked out with their partners but I guess they didn't.

I wouldn't trust her and would judge. Would definetely question how strong her loyalties were to people. You don't do that to a friend.

I would never, ever judge anyone for having an affair but I think it's a bit "off" (classic understatement) to sleep with the husband of one of your friends. It's just bloody bad manners really! Also, for me, I tend to think of my friends' partners as being like brothers or male friends which makes the idea of any kind of sexual interaction really icky. Ewwww...

If she was my friend and I loved her, then I would be there for her without judgement.

Just because someone has done a bad thing doesn't make them a bad person full stop. Nobody knows what goes on inside other peoples relationships.

Jeez, I get really sick of the Peter and Jane morality, holier than thouness on mumsnet sometimes.

The thing is the friend whose husband she's on probably loves her aswell. Doing that to someone indicates a nasty streak IMO, how she can look her "friend" in the face I don't know.

I do think if you can tell the number of lies that an affair generally requires, and with so much at stake, it doesn't present you as a trustworthy person.

If someone could betray those closest to them, it wouldn't make them the person I'd be most likely to trust I'm afraid.

it is not higher morality to be appalled at a 5 yaer affair.

i thikn being really blasé and saying you would not judge at some really judgeworthy behaviour smacks of trying to hard to be really cool and liberal

lives are destroyed due to affiars, pretending it does not matter or that it does not change the person seems wrong.

They wouldn't be my friend any more.

"Just because someone has done a bad thing doesn't make them a bad person full stop."

She is screwing a friend's DH. I think that makes them a bad person and a complete and utter w*nker.

'lives are destroyed due to affiars, pretending it does not matter or that it does not change the person seems wrong.'

• yes Lulu but pretending that therefore they don't or shouldn't happen seems wrong too, or stupid, or fatalistic or mad.

I wouldn't judge because I think this is life, and people mess up and god knows what goes on in most people's marriages.

I would adjust my view of her - but probably that's because you'd then think 'oh you did this! oh!'

Actually maybe now you have the full picture ggirl, she might make a bit MORE sense?

Also 5 years is a proper relationship really isn't it?

I find the holier than thou, she's an evil person routine a bit trying on here too, and a bit immature.

A 5 year affair isn't exactly a short lived mistake though. It's a prolonged period of deceit involving a good friend. It's wrong on every level.

I think it's ok to find that really difficult to accept, you can still be friends but to me that person would never seem the same.