No more sex please. With you, anyway...

[SkittlesAreFruitGroup]

I am NOT interested in any sort of physical relationship with my DH. At all. Unless he's giving me a shoulder or foot massage. Then I'm very pleased But nothing more thanks.

I fear I actually don't find him at all physically attractive and 9 times out of 10 I will actively avoid intimacy with him. Even kissing him in anything other than a 'have a nice day at work dear' way kind of creeps me out.

We have two DC aged 5 and nearly 3 and have been married 11 years.

We briefly tried counselling for about 4 sessions when I was pregnant with DC2, however the entire time was spent on him dealing with his unresolved grief issues re: his mother's death, so absolutely no work at all done on our relationship. We also didn't really feel connected to counsellor, and then I had baby, so no more counselling!

I guess that I am wondering if things will get better, and what I need to do to ignite some sort of attraction towards him. I very quietly fear that I was never really physically attracted to him in that 'whooar' kind of way in the first place!

Can one just box on and hope that all will be okay, and we'll get hobbies instead of sex?

I don't know but I'm watching this with interest because I'm in a very similar situation.
x

no,sadly i doubt you can. what does your dh say about this?

am also interested

I really think quick smart back to a therapist. Are you switched off generally sexually or is it just feeling about him that are buggered?

Glad to hear others are interested - all my friends seem to be blissfully happy with their hubbies and the bedroom dept and all have kids too.

I am actually quite keen on the idea of sex (or so I thought) and used to thoroughly revel in being flirtatious and outrageous. I seem to feel a bit like I've got a big rock of boredom stuck on my flirty bit. Or something.

ILoveTIFFANY - DH sighed at me a couple of nights ago and said "I don't want us to have a sexless marriage" and looked very sad and distressed. So I had guilt sex the next night, and felt sick. Sigh.

Actually physically nauseous? That must be hard to move on from. I think a sexless marriage can only work long term if both partners are genuinely happy with it, your DH isn't (and perhaps most people wouldn't be) so that's a problem. Do you want to stay married to him? How hard are you prepared to work to do that?

Must add, it's midnight here, so I'm off to bed, after staying up far too late decided whether to post my dilemma or not...but will be here in the morning... for some pep talk fabulousness.

Oh skittles I sooooo know how you feel. Keep hoping that it'll change but at the moment I'm resigned to just doing whatever it takes to get myself in the mood and then just jumping him so that I can get it over with. My DH said the EXACT same words to me the other day. Love him dearly but thought of sex makes me feel icky most of the time. I briefly mentioned counselling to him and he seemed so depressed at the idea that I kind of dropped it.

Skittles, I was married to a man who i don't think i ever fancied really either. He was a musician and very cool and thats what turned me on initially. But by the end of our 8 year marriage, (after my DS1 was born) his heaving body on top of me used to make me gag. I couldn't bear to even look at him naked.

I am a fairly highly sexed person, and its really important to me that i fancy my man and have a good sex life. I knew i couldn't stand to have a marriage where we were only friends and the thought of no sex or terrible sex for the rest of my life terrified me. It was one of (but not the only) the reasons why i left him. I don't think he ever really fancied me either tbh, he now goes out with tiny little blonde girls (I am not tiny or blonde).

My partner now (of 5 years) and I have a fab sex life and I know it will continue and that i am now with the right person.

Well I can understand why you would have had guilt sex but really if it is making you feel sick that's bad. That said, the fact that you did it shows me that you do care for the Dh's feelings. Did the switch off sexually happen before/after a birth or pregnancy? It seems that this is not about your husband but rather than the sexy wheels have come off altogether.... it is aimed at DH because he is the one you should be having sex with?

I think loads of women experience a drop in libido, maybe it is biological to get us to concentrate on child rearing instead of shagging but this seems pretty profound.

Do you think this could be hormonal??

Firstly, please understand once and for all that just hoping your H will accept a sexless marriage rather than discussing it is wrong and selfish. That doesn;t mean you have to grit your teeth and submit to sex that revolts you, of course, but you must bear in mind that your H's feelings are important and valid as much as yours are. So have a think about what you do want - to separate? To carry on living as a family but agree that he (or for that matter both of you) will have other partners for sex? Then talk it through with your H and see how he really feels (it is of course possible that he has a low-ish libido too but thinks he ought to be wanting more sex than he is actually having) and what he wants, bearing in mind that there may well have to be some compromise on both sides.

I am in the same boat as well OP.

At the risk of a big fat flaming, I really feel that if you decide to go this route but your DH's don't agree, you are making your relationships massively vulnerable to OW syndrome.

Sorry, but I've seen this happen countless times. To men (and most women, in fairness), sex is a basic need, and without it feel unloved. If you aren't providing it, and imply that it will never again be provided within your relationship, they may well go elsewhere. If you're comfortable with that, then fine, if not, please try and work through this.

Could I suggest some Relate sex therapy counselling? It's supposed to be really helpful.. sorry.

I've been with my DP for 19 years OP, and during that time there's been periods when I've been all over him and periods (a couple of years to be honest) when I've felt a bit like you do.
I think for me it has definitly been bound up with having young babies, almost like an actual physical chemical thing my body does to stop me having more kids. Now our youngest is 3.6 our sex life is definitely on the up again.
Thing is I always really fancied my DP. My attraction to him was initially very physical. You need to be honest with yourself about that.
And you haven't mentioned whether or not you actually love him.

It seems to me you don't want sex with him rather than no sex with anyone so you would to think whether that can be resolved as it isn't fair on him to live with you knowing you will never have sex with him again but you would with someone else.

The way I see it, is Relate is great for getting the spark BACK. And it is possible to do that. But if there has never been any spark, then I'm not sure what the answer is.

There are a host of things that contribute to me not fancying my own DP, but I'd be lying if I said that I would magically want to jump on him if all the little niggles were cleared up. I wouldn't.
For me, and again this is just my perspective, I have never felt comfortable sexually with him, although there is lots of love and friendship there. For example, I used to be really vocal in the sack, but once I met him I became quiet as a mouse. Partly because he was like that too. My DP just seems really uncomfortable with sex and sexuality generally. He never seemed to enjoy it, never initiated, and always joked around about sex, as though he found the whole things utterly cringeworthy. Me, I used to love sex. I mean, I REALLY loved it! I still do, I just don't have it anymore. I haven't had sex for five months, because I realized that no matter how much I like sex, I can't compromise on how I feel about him physically just to get some. It seems wrong.
He doesn't really seem to care, perhaps he does deep down but he never mentions it or appears frustrated. I know he still has a libido but he seems content to settle for the current set up. This is sad, and almost emphasizes that I met the right choice. That is, someone who was a good sexual match for me would be all "I need sex with you! We can't go on like this!" the fact that he's not fussed just seems to confirm that we are, err... oh, sorry; poles apart. No pun intended.

But again, that's just my life and no doubt there are different reasons why couples don't have sex or don't want to have sex, the reasons are as individual as the people in the relationships I expect.
For now, love and friendship is enough. We both know realistically, with the large age difference that we have, that that may not always be the case. But for now, we potter along. Or something..

What sort of contraception are you using? Hormonal? Could it be something as simple as the pill affecting your libido? I was on the pill for the first few years of my relationship with DH and my sex drive waned as soon as we moved in together. It was an issue that we talked about quite frequently, with me always saying that I would make more effort, but things never really changed. It was only when I came off the pill and my sex drive returned that I realised how bad I had been before and how difficult the rejection must have been for him emotionally. I never want to use hormonal contraception again as the strain it put on my marriage was pretty damaging.

How would you feel about an open marriage where you each give permission for the other to pursue the sexual side of things elsewhere? I'm not sure if you are saying that you don't want sex with anyone or just that you don't want sex with your DH but it is not fair on him to require him to go without for a very extended period.

I speak from some experience of this situation as I am involved in an EMA with a lovely man who has had virtually no sex for many years before me and feels that both he and his wife have moved beyone any stage where it would be possible to rekindle things. We both have grown up children.

My OM is kind, not conventionally goodlooking but an adventurous and adept lover and whilst I adore being with him I can't help but feel sad he was not able to sort things out with the woman he obviously really loves still.

If you fancied him when you got married then surely someone - counsellor, therapist etc. must be able to help you find your mojo with him again?

If he ended up in an EMA perhaps it would not be a bad thing, if it is the only answer, we both feel respect and kindness to our partners and only seek the one thing that is missing and a constructive friendship

Skittles whatever you do you must be honest with you DH about this now and start some kind of dialogue / counselling.

I was roughly where you are about 4 years ago. I'd never really felt sex between my H and I was great - something just didn;t really click. Then it turned into a battle ground where he would want it and I wouldn;t, he would sulk, I would retreat - this went on for several years. In the meantime we got married and had DS (I tried to believe that the other things we had were enough, and I think he did too).

Eventually the inevitable happened - I started having an affair and now H & I are separating. It could have been him, it was me that blew first.

We have discussed SGB's idea of staying together but having relationships outside of the marriage but it is not what either of us wants.

I really wish I had had the courage to discuss all this before I had an affair. My life is a real mess just now.

Please, please start talking to him about it

Wow - thanks so much for the thoughts and ideas, and so kind of you to share your own stories.

DH is loving, caring and thoughtful. He is FANTASTIC in the sack, and extremely, ahem, proficient at all activities therein.

Intergalactic I wondered if it was the contraception too, was on the pill before DC1 but haven't been on it since then. Hoping I guess to see if it would all come back.

I really think counselling would be beneficial, and he was prepared to go initially. I would love to talk about this with him, as I'm usually the queen of wise advice and open communication . I suspect he thinks I've just got to sort meself out on my own now, but I haven't actually asked .

My logic sort of travels to the place that we both work full time, have young kids and are knackered, so sex can wait. However he is VERY keen on it with me (god knows why!!) and is really getting a bit fed up. We are kind to each other and have a great friendship.

We are in NZ, so I don't know if we have Relate here, but will look for similar online.

What are you using for birth control?

Progesten-only contraception killed my libido.

Ok, since you're being so helpful, I'll also share a wee secret....

We have sort of talked about what 'does it' for us, and I said I'd like to go out and flirt with other men, which he finds kind of exciting. However if he turned the tables and was keen on other women I'd have him skinned.

So my dilemma is... can I say that I'd like to explore but he may not??

No.