No more sex please. With you, anyway...

[SkittlesAreFruitGroup]

I am NOT interested in any sort of physical relationship with my DH. At all. Unless he's giving me a shoulder or foot massage. Then I'm very pleased But nothing more thanks.

I fear I actually don't find him at all physically attractive and 9 times out of 10 I will actively avoid intimacy with him. Even kissing him in anything other than a 'have a nice day at work dear' way kind of creeps me out.

We have two DC aged 5 and nearly 3 and have been married 11 years.

We briefly tried counselling for about 4 sessions when I was pregnant with DC2, however the entire time was spent on him dealing with his unresolved grief issues re: his mother's death, so absolutely no work at all done on our relationship. We also didn't really feel connected to counsellor, and then I had baby, so no more counselling!

I guess that I am wondering if things will get better, and what I need to do to ignite some sort of attraction towards him. I very quietly fear that I was never really physically attracted to him in that 'whooar' kind of way in the first place!

Can one just box on and hope that all will be okay, and we'll get hobbies instead of sex?

Ok, if he's that great in bed, then there must be something seriously amiss elsewhere to make you feel he's physically repellent..

And no, I don't think you're going to be able to convince him that it's ok for you to go out and pull, but not him..!!

No. You can't hand out rules. See SGB post.

I think it sounds like a simple case of the chemistry not being right between you. And I really don't know what you can do about it - either live with it, or risk it all to try and find someone else who you do connect with.

But - it's absolutely not on to try and find this someone while still with your DH..

Well, that's going to go over like a lead balloon: Darling, I'm not attracted to you at all unless you're massaging my feet and don't want to have sex with you, but I want to pull other men. But you can't pull others.

Wow, this thread is

And no, you can't expect someone to faithfully wait on you whilst you go out on the pull Goose, gander....

I think it is very, very sad that anyone would want to continue in a relationship like this.....fix it or walk away is my opinion.

It's so unfair and I bet the DHs would be devastated to think that their wives felt icky about having sex with them. How much of a slap in the face is that? Imagine a man were to write a similar thread about his wife, what would we say to him?

Whilst a person decides to stay in a situation like this, 'guilt shagging' their way thru the years, they are depriving themselves and their partner of finding someone who does truly fancy them.

Hear hear squeezy, (actually could you send him my way please OP? He sounds fab..!)

He is fab, and therein lies my sadness. I do think there is a chemistry problem, whilst not between us, perhaps with me?

I know it sounded awful that I'd like to explore other men (not actual sex, may I clarify, and always when my DH was there) however I would NEVER do it without his consent. However I am very mindful that this kind of exploration, even mutual, is usually the death knell for troubled relationships, so I think it is well off the cards. I suspect maybe I think I'd like it, but in fact would not IYSWIM?

Squeezy, you are so right, I'd be so sad if he felt the same about me, but he adores me both emotionally and physically. It is a bit sad, isn't it?

We used to not be able to keep our hands off each other when we first met, (although we were only 18....!!), very physically close at all times. Although never really staring across a crowded room hotness, more just young lust .

Wow what a great post!

I am in the same situation, but never used to feel like this. My H has been uninterested in sex for years, six, maybe! I tried to talk to him loads about how it made me feel but never lead to anything, maybe a quickie to shut me up (or that's what it felt like!).

Now, six years on, a 3 yr old DD, and me finally fed up with it, we're in separate bedrooms and he is seeking counselling.

But, I don't think I fancy him anymore. I love him but don't think I'm in love with him.

Having spoken to a few friends about how I feel, a lot of them have expressed sadness in their marriages too!

On the subject of you going out and flirting and finding yourself, well, no other word for it but a shag for the night (sorry!), I know of a couple who do this. She is happy coz she is getting the attention she needs, he is happy coz he gets to watch (these are not friends of mine I'd like to point out!) but their marriage is a complete disaster and there is no love there.

Not fancying your husband is a huge dilema, I know I am there right now too, but only you can decide to stay or go. It is possible to bring back the love and feelings, but you have to both be completely dedicated to it.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Ok, have found Relationship Services in NZ, seems to be a similar concept to Relate.

Can I gently just ask him to come to a counsellor? I'm truly a bit scared because I do adore him and love him, and don't want to say anything that will upset him. Although clearly being married a frigid beast is upsetting....!

I suspect he'll be keen if it means I will start feeling more intimate feelings towards him.

Go for it, I think it's a really wise and brave move and I hope you can get back on track!!

Alright - I'll do it. Will update soon. Thanks so much for advice all.

Hmm. Actually I think you should read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which is very good on the different dynamics of different relationships. Because what you describe wanting to do is, oddly enough, a very popular male fantasy (the 'bitch' wife who has lots of other men but whose adoring husband revels in the exquisite torture). If this dynamic is acknowledged by both partners and there is a strong bond of affection and respect between them, it can actually work pretty well.
Certainly better than years of expensive heteronormative counselling that aims to make you behave just like Everyone Else (despite the fact that there's not such thing as a single way for everyone to behave WRT relationships).

It may well be a popular fantasy - but what kind of sad inadequate man really wants to watch his wife get shagged by other men?

How can a woman ever respect a man who gets off on being humiliated in this way?

A couple with such a "dynamic" need counselling, one or both obviously have deep psychological issues.

A couple watching each other while swinging is one thing ( even though I don't "get" it ) - this is something entirely darker and far more disturbed.

Do people with such predilictions never stop and wonder why ?

Malificence, you've said what I was thinking. I was wondering if I was being a bit narrow minded or prudish, but I just can't get my head round the whole concept at all.

If the OP's DH is a caring, thoughtful guy who's really into sex with his wife, I just can't imagine how he'll feel when he learns the only way to get this is to have to watch her have it with others.

OP, maybe you could talk privately with a counsellor about this before mentioning it to him, once it's out there, there's no unsaying it..

The OP isn't even suggesting she wants to have sex with other men - my understanding is that she wants to openly flirt with others in front of her husband, maybe with the mindset that his jealousy will turn her on?

That sounds like a dangerous game to me though - I doubt the men she would flirt with would enjoy being used in that way.

I think this kind of relationship can work, up to a point, until one or other of the partners meets someone who they are really attracted to. Then the shortcomings of the relationship are magnified and it is very difficult to walk away from a powerful sexual attraction when you do not have it at home.

I guess at that point there are some fairly difficult decisions to be made which involve a number of options -

Stick with the status quo for the sake of an easy, if passionless life but at least security for children and a good companion (a lot of people would be very happy indeed to have that much).

Have a relationship/sex outside the marriage with or without the knowledge of the partner. These are both very tricky options involving huge discussions and compromises with the former, and a lot of deception and guilt with the latter. Nevertheless they are both possible and not uncommon, at least in the relatively short term.

Have a trial separation or 'time out' so that each partner can explore the possibility of other relationships/not being together/eventual splitting up - but with the option of getting back together if the grass is not greener. A bit risky, but who knows it could be the shakeup that is needed - one way or another.

Have a formal separation.

Get divorced and start afresh.

I think counselling is a really good idea but I am not sure that it can ever ignite passion - however it can help open up channels of communication and understanding which is always a good thing whatever happens.

Do people really get divorced from great husbands just because they don't fancy them anymore?

Probably not just for that reason Lookingforchange, but for me it was a big factor, amongst 2 or 3 other reasons. And those other reasons made him not a Great Husband anymore.

If my husband said he no longer fancied me and no longer wanted to have sex with me I'd want a divorce.
Some people may be happy to play brother and sister but I wouldn't be.
Why is it so surprising? Sex is a basic part of what marriage is about. If your spouse won't let you have sex with anyone else yet won't let you have sex with them you're a bit stuck if you actually like sex and don't want to be celibate for the rest of your life.

So if he's fantastic in bed and you like sex, why do you think it made you feel sick the other night?

Do you love him? I think that you would be making a mistake in deciding to leave the marriage or give up on your sex life without giving things a really good try! When you marry someone and make a life commitment to them of course there will be times when either partner will feel bored or feel like you don't fancy each other but I do think it's possible to regain the spark. I mean how many couples can say they have fancied each other all the time throughout their marriages? I would give Relate a go if that's available. Or otherwise just try spending time together and cuddling, holding hands, relaxing, without the expectation of sex... this could be enough to push you into 'date' mode and fancy him again

"He is fab, and therein lies my sadness. I do think there is a chemistry problem, whilst not between us, perhaps with me?"

What does that mean? Do you have chemistry together or not?

I have been reading this thread with interest as I could have written the post myself.

I do love my DH and I look forward to when he is coming home from work. He is a great dad and a good husband but I'm just not sure that I fancy him.

I really don't want to split up though so we are going to see a councellor, there is a waiting list though. I do think about sex quite a bit with famous people I fancy etc, but I just don't seem to want it with DH unfortunately.

I will be following this thread, so any tips etc would be gratefully received!!

The fundamental truth (which most people hate, fear and reject) is that, actually, monogamy doesn't work for everyone, not in the longterm. People simply get bored with having the same sexual partner all the time, or at least, a substantial lot of them (almost certainly the majority, if by a narrow margin) do. Hence the massive industry dedicated to 'spicing up your marriage'.
Of course, some people deal with this issue by resigning themselves to the boredom and telling themselves (and everyone else) that interest in sex just dwindles as you get older and it's just one of those things - unfortunately this is often complete nonsense as only one half of the couple feels this way and the other is going mental with frustration. Others handle the boredom by having illicit affairs, and the rest, who are still caught up in the One Twue Luv 4Ever nonsense basically move on from partner to partner, ruthlessly dumping the one they are bored with because the new one is The One and only exclusive love is Real.

No you cannot because when people want to please you save something they can sometimes agree to stuff that they would not do ordinarily - I would go for couples counselling or sex therapy personally because involving anyone unqualified outside your relationship, even on this basis is dangerous for a fragile relationship. I do understand that in all other ways things are solid but hey, why risk it??? What if you find it really does it for you??? What then....