No more sex please. With you, anyway...

[SkittlesAreFruitGroup]

I am NOT interested in any sort of physical relationship with my DH. At all. Unless he's giving me a shoulder or foot massage. Then I'm very pleased But nothing more thanks.

I fear I actually don't find him at all physically attractive and 9 times out of 10 I will actively avoid intimacy with him. Even kissing him in anything other than a 'have a nice day at work dear' way kind of creeps me out.

We have two DC aged 5 and nearly 3 and have been married 11 years.

We briefly tried counselling for about 4 sessions when I was pregnant with DC2, however the entire time was spent on him dealing with his unresolved grief issues re: his mother's death, so absolutely no work at all done on our relationship. We also didn't really feel connected to counsellor, and then I had baby, so no more counselling!

I guess that I am wondering if things will get better, and what I need to do to ignite some sort of attraction towards him. I very quietly fear that I was never really physically attracted to him in that 'whooar' kind of way in the first place!

Can one just box on and hope that all will be okay, and we'll get hobbies instead of sex?

Skittles, I suspect you've got some ishoos around sex. You say you love him - and he loves & fancies you. Generally speaking, in a monogamous marriage, that would lead to regular sex. But you say you feel sexy, which presumably means your libido hasn't gone walkabout. That pretty much leaves ishoos ... so counselling would be a very good idea and I'm glad you've found somewhere!

You didn't say, though ... Do you, umm, do it by yourself? I mean, do you have a desire for sex; can you come with masturbation or a vibrator? If you haven't got a libido, there might be a hormonal problem - as others have suggested - or some other overall health problem.

Are the two of you kind to each other? You've spent the past 5 years raising children; if you feel he's not pulling his weight, that could have led to simmering resentment which is a turn-off.

iam a bit of a mess my self my dh will do any thing for me but i cant be arsed i truely love him he works realy hard.i suffer with depression all i wana do is sleep i cant even get undressed in front of him cos he might the wrong idea.dont know why he is even still with me.ive been given him the cold shoulder for six months now,i want to put the spark back into our marrage tho i cant even be botherd to talk to him after nine pm cos iam to tired,he tries very hard tho and ends up going to bed alone leaving me down stairs[can you blame him] any advise please

Yeah, I'm there too. I haven't had sex with dh for 2.5 years. I'm glad I haven't left him. We have a lovely friendship and we have two dds with complex health issues and I think both me and the girls would have a much lower quality of life outside of the marriage. But I really, really don't ever want to have sex with him again. This is a much better place than the one we were in 2 or even 1 year ago, when I really wanted to leave him. The issues around that have been resolved by relate, relate, relate, reading reading reading and far too many drunken arguments and tearful discussions. I now feel I have a life, and I don't want to go back into Relate for sex therapy, but he really does. I don't think either of us can live in a sexless marriage forever, but nor do I want to condition myself into thinking I MUST have sex with him. That was a long way of saying, I knowwhatyoumean.