Is 6.30am a good time for a DP to come home from a drinking session?? Would you go nuts?

[3hourssleep]

Hello All,

I am a regular(ish) even though Ive namechanged for this.

Dp has always liked a drink, but since DD has been born, we both have calmed down a lot. Hes started to go out more regularly lately, and has been on a couple of long drinking sessions in the last month. Meanwhile Im stuck at home with a 18 month old, and two wild dogs, who also need a lot of attention. He also gives me the same opportunities to go out but I only like going out now and again.

So last night, he heads out for a works do at 5.30pm, while I have a friend over. He texts to say he will be home around 11pm, then nothing. He finally waltzes in the house 6.30 ish in the morning. When I question him where exactly he was, it turns out he was at a party with a few boys he knows, but doesnt socialise with much. One of whom has serious charges of domestic violence against him, and the others are heavily into drugs. I explain that I am mightly pissed off, that I was up half the night worrying about him, and now once again have to shoulder the responsibility of looking after the dogs and DD all day, after we had planned a family day, while he sleeps it off. Immediately he went on the defensive, explaining he never goes to parties, hasnt done this before, was waiting to see if he could have a lift home with someone, blah blah blah.

I realise this is trivial compared to some of the problems I see on this board. But am livid that he doesnt show the respect to come home in the night when he has a family, to once again make me do all the hard work, while hes out enjoying, and then to make me feel as though Im over reacting.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? And how did you deal with it? DP has done a lot of bullshit things before but this is the first since we've had the baby. The last time we had an argument like this, is when I dared to suggest maybe having 2 dogs was a bit much to handle when I was 4 months pregnant and in and out of hospital. That time I ended up leaving for a few days, as he got verbally aggressive and was throwing things around and I had to leave the house at 2am with him crying all over the dogs while shouting at me.

Any advice or words of wisdom? Am on the verge of deciding to boot him up his mothers to live, or am I over reacting?

nope....if he was my dp he'd be at his mothers!!! for sure.

and send the dogs with him..

he would be my EX DP

ooohh, he sounds a bit too much for me tbh. The verbal agression, throwing things around doesn't sound good to me. But I have no tolerance for shit like that, I see protecting my kids as my number one priority (just my opinion). Btw, how wild are the dogs? Are they an issue with a toddler?
The party story doesn't sound very convincing or is that just me? Sorry, no advice really but I certainly don't think you are overreacting.

Shocking behaviour. And incredibly irresponsible.

He would be in the shed if he was my DP. The fact he doesnt make a habit of going to parties does not validate it.

I am livid just reading that. My XP was almost as bad.

In an ideal world you could now start banging aroung the house to wake him up so he would feel guilty and get on with the day. But if he has been agressive to you in the past I daresy it's not an option is it? I know I wouldn't have dared wake up my X as the one time I did it all hell broke loose.

Your DP needs to grow up, but I have no answers to that one as I failed with my XP.

another woman imo

'as he got verbally aggressive and was throwing things around and I had to leave the house at 2am with him crying all over the dogs while shouting at me.'

And now this?

Boot him out.

He's too immature to have a family. Doesn't deserve teh one he's got, and when you are on your own, one thing you'll never have to worry about is what his book ass is getting up to.

He could have called a taxi.

Life is too short to waste time on losers like this.

Thank you all for your replies. I knew I was right about the not over reacting deep down.

Dogs are fine with Toddler, very gentle and loving breed, they're just very hardwork, especially when Im on my own with them most of the time with a toddler to deal with. I have tried to explain this to DP, but it seems he thinks he can chuck anything on my plate and expect me to cope.

Hes not been verbally aggressive since the whole issue with the dogs when I was ill with hyperemesis, but thats no excuse for it.

I know one of the boys he went to the party with (not a drug addict!), and he is more close to me than DP, so I know he was at a house party.

Dp is generally a kind and loving DP and father, but just has incidents like this now and again that are out of character. Although to be honest, I see a general theme running through these incidents, involving alcohol, immaturity and selfishness.

Im not sure I can look past this one, since Ive had DD, my bullshit tolerance has severely suffered. And I cant be arsed with all the sorrys, knowing that a few months down the line he'll fuck up again, and then there'll be another lot of sorrys. Thanks all for your straight words, Im glad I didnt get any 'pity for you hun's.

'Dp is generally a kind and loving DP and father, but just has incidents like this now and again that are out of character.'

When someone behaves like this, it is part of their character.

It's like all those people who say, 'Oh, she's a great person, except when she drinks.' Or, 'He's a great father, but he smacks me around.'

It doesn't signify.

A kind and loving person does not stay out getting pished all night or frighten their partner by throwing things around and getting verbally aggressive.

This is who he is! Part of who he is is a person who is a nasty drunk and an immature twit who stays out all night on the pish.

Ex pat - sorry my post was badly worded. I was trying to make the point that although he is fine most of the time, the selfishness immaturity etc is part of his character. And no matter what he will say now, and the sorrys that will spill forth from his gob, he'll still mess up somewhere in the future, as that is who he is.

After the aggressiveness and crying over the dogs incident while I was very ill with hyperemesis and not coping with them well, we agreed to get back together on the basis that me and our unborn baby come first, and this is the next time hes been an arsehole since. Unfortunately as I suspected, he is not able to keep to reasonable behaviour as a partner so his bags are packed and his mother has been informed she will have a indefinate visitor. Im not even sure Im upset about it. Its just confirmed in my mind hes a twat.

YOU have nothing to be sorry about.

The only sorry person is this lousy excuse of a partner you've got at present.

You and he agreed, no more behaviour like this. He reneged, so you're doing the right thing by sending him on his way (and his dogs, too, I hope).

You're worth more than someone who treats you like this.

3hourssleep, I'm assuming you have had little sleep and that you are livid and you are not thinking rationally.

You don't actually think that he will never change - even in your rage you can recognise that this is not something he has done for 18 months - since the birth of your child. You can recognise that he has changed since the birth of your child - as have you by the sounds of it.

Everyone changes and immature behaviour improves in most people as they mature.

He has fucked up - big and proper and deserves your wrath, but, don't get too upset about everything. Try and put it in perspective.

Why don't you get out of the house with your daughter and go and do something nice with her.

When you come back he will no doubt be very very sorry as well as be feeling very hungover and anxious. Tonight will not be a good time to discuss anything. Tell him exactly why your not happy and pick which night you want to go through everything with him.

Take the opportunity to decide exactly what you do want out of this - I'd want to know why suddenly he's decided to start drinking so much again, why he's going out. Make it clear there is no room for another fuck up like this.

You are right - he will fuck up again, maybe not drinking all night but no doubt doing something else and more than likely so will you, thats what people do, they fuck up and make mistakes and need forgiveness.

Unless he really is a total fuck up - and from your posts it doesn't sound like that - and presuming that you love him and he is a good father and partner normally, then try and sort it out.

I agree. You didn't overreact, he did. Let's hope his overreaction means he felt rotten about breaking his promises - he's been doing his best, hasn't he?

Give him a LOT of shit about it - so he's clear this kind of thing isn't "okay again" - and hope for an even longer gap before the next mistake!

Good luck

Really dont agree with those last two posts -isnt that just condoning his behaviour? May agree if this was the first time he had behaved like this but he has done it before its a pattern of treating the OP badly, behaving selfishly and promising to change and then not. Second everything expat said.

He's being a complete inconsiderate wanker. I'd kick him into touch

I dunno, Kerala, OP didn't say she had major concerns about their relationship on the whole. He has a couple of bad points. He's human?

Being imperfect doesn't automatically make someone an abuser.

He's been abusive in the past, Grace. I don't think this is abusive behaviour but it isn't the behaviour of an equal partner in a relationship, it's that of a child.

This man is treating his partner and child like the least important things in his life and a scolding is just legitimising his behaviour.Sanctions and tellings off are what you do with teenagers, not partners in a relationship.

My DH (we are actually sperating ) ...it took ages before the reality of children and how it 'CHANGES YOUR LIFE' affects one.

Me- I started to be aware of it the moment I knew i was pregnant...think he actually realised once First one came along, that something had changed...then a fair few years to REALLY understand life had changed.

However, some men are nobs..I chose to stick by mine...can you talk to him, discuss issues? Cos that I think is the main thing.

I am fairly sure if 3hourssleep's partner wanted to list a few of her own shortcomings or examples of less than perfect partnership behaviour he could.

Staying out all night drinking is bad behaviour but once every 18 months is not the end of the world.

It definitely needs to be addressed, he doesn't require sanctions and telling off - they require to sit down and find out why it is happening and do what they can to make sure it doesn't happen again. Thats not what you do with teenagers, you do it with human beings.

The intolerance of some posters is beyond me. I don't know what perfect lives they are living or they are from, but in my life and that of my friends and family, people make mistakes, they get angry, frustrated, stressed, tired and sometimes all of the above at the same time and they don't act or behave themselves very well as a result. They hurt themselves or other people. And the ones that love them, well they try and understand why it is happening and try and solve the issues together.

"to err is human, to forgive divine"

But the previous abuse was now 2 years ago, did not escalate to physical violence and he seems to have been better since... should no-one ever get another chance>

I don't know the answer. The fact that OP mentions in the opening post that she is thinking of kicking him out suggests to me that there is maybe more wrong that just these two incidents but the 2 incidents alone do not seem to me to lead to "pack his bags immediately" conclusions.

BTW - after work drinks... I've made a few crap decisions after starting to drink at 5.30 in the afternoon. Nothing relationship threatening and not as knobish not coming home until as 6.30 am but dfinitely a bit inconsiderate of dh (ie he wont mind if go for a quick pizza rather than just heading home when I said I would) and I think these things can get out of hand when alcohol has impaired judgement. I would hope that DH would perhaps suggest a couple of alternative solutions before kicking me out.

Hello all,

many thanks for your replies.

Yes, I can discuss things with him, and when sober, he is a good partner and father. The incidents that have happened have done so when he is pissed up. Which we have discussed, but it doesnt seem to stop him going out and getting sloshed all over again.

Ladybiscuit - you make a very good point actually, one thats clarified things for me. He does act like stroppy teenager, and afterward Im always the one giving the 'row'. Which tbh is probably enabling him to carry on with this sort of behaviour now and again. If I knew I could act like a irresponsible twat and get a little row for it, and then it would all blow over in a few days I wouldnt see that I needed to change anything either.

DP came home earlier full of apologies, cant believe he did it, disgusted with himself, gave a fairly believeable account of how he was waiting for one of the other boys to get his ass into gear to get a taxi, blah blah blah. He even swanned in with flowers and chocolate, which for some reason pissed me off even more.

I do love DP, and he is a decent person most of the time, but when he fucks up he really gives it his all, and makes me question his priorites. We have both been quite wild in the past but since DD was conceived our lives have changed, and the last 18 months have been fuck up free, so to go back to all this, I really havent got the energy.

Hes off to his mothers tomorrow to live for the moment, while I think about my options. I dont think giving him another talking to, and swallowing the whole Im sorry crap is going to cut it this time. Many thanks for all your wise words, you've all clarifified what I was thinking.