Is 6.30am a good time for a DP to come home from a drinking session?? Would you go nuts?

[3hourssleep]

Hello All,

I am a regular(ish) even though Ive namechanged for this.

Dp has always liked a drink, but since DD has been born, we both have calmed down a lot. Hes started to go out more regularly lately, and has been on a couple of long drinking sessions in the last month. Meanwhile Im stuck at home with a 18 month old, and two wild dogs, who also need a lot of attention. He also gives me the same opportunities to go out but I only like going out now and again.

So last night, he heads out for a works do at 5.30pm, while I have a friend over. He texts to say he will be home around 11pm, then nothing. He finally waltzes in the house 6.30 ish in the morning. When I question him where exactly he was, it turns out he was at a party with a few boys he knows, but doesnt socialise with much. One of whom has serious charges of domestic violence against him, and the others are heavily into drugs. I explain that I am mightly pissed off, that I was up half the night worrying about him, and now once again have to shoulder the responsibility of looking after the dogs and DD all day, after we had planned a family day, while he sleeps it off. Immediately he went on the defensive, explaining he never goes to parties, hasnt done this before, was waiting to see if he could have a lift home with someone, blah blah blah.

I realise this is trivial compared to some of the problems I see on this board. But am livid that he doesnt show the respect to come home in the night when he has a family, to once again make me do all the hard work, while hes out enjoying, and then to make me feel as though Im over reacting.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? And how did you deal with it? DP has done a lot of bullshit things before but this is the first since we've had the baby. The last time we had an argument like this, is when I dared to suggest maybe having 2 dogs was a bit much to handle when I was 4 months pregnant and in and out of hospital. That time I ended up leaving for a few days, as he got verbally aggressive and was throwing things around and I had to leave the house at 2am with him crying all over the dogs while shouting at me.

Any advice or words of wisdom? Am on the verge of deciding to boot him up his mothers to live, or am I over reacting?

so has he gone op?

He's been a knob bt I have to agree with bloodyright that it's not a sackable offence. It's all very well for people to say 'loser, kick him out' but actually all he's done is go out and not come home when he said he would. Give him a hard time, tell him he owes you one and move on. Actually, you say that you don't like to go out very often but I would tell him that tomorrow you are going out for the afternoon and he is in charge of the baby. Go and see a film, have coffee or something.

My husband is a bit like this. On the whole he tries very hard and is great but every now and again it's as if he has to let it all out and behave like a wanker. As he's got older the space between these incidents has got longer and longer (once every 18 months seems acceptable behaviour). I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying it's not the worst thing in the world for a husband to do.

The dog thing however would annoy the shit out of me. Not sure how you get round that apart from say that he is responsible for them or they are going.

I hope he is feeling rotten, in body and soul!

sorry, x posts.

I think staying at his mother's is a good thing for a few days. But I think you need to be careful about how you want him to change his beahviour.

It is a basic immaturity that is his problem, and actually sending him back to his mother doesn't really help that does it. He gets to lick his wounds for a bit while you handle the baby, the house and all the grown up stuff.

I'm not trying to say you've done the wrong thing (I don't know him or you) I'm just trying to put a different perspective.

Why do you let them get away with this kind of behaviour though? I mean, seriously, I am mystified. Your partner goes out drinking when you have a day out planned the next day. They not only don't come home (so you're worrying they're dead or something) but they're so fucked, the one planned day out of your weekend is entirely fucked. I'd be bloody furious!

I think you're entirely enabling men to behave like children by giving them a bit of a pat on the head and telling them not to be naughty. Personally, I'd rather be in a relationship with another adult, not an overgrown child.

Would any of you saying that the OP should forgive her DP with a bit of a scolding ever dream of behaving like that yourselves? No, thought not

OP - good luck. Hope it gives him the shake up he deserves

That was my thought Fruitstick, about him staying at his mothers.

But then, what do I know, he's not my immature partner.

Ladybiscuit, I am always bloody furious, and it's never just a pat on the back he gets.

All I am saying is, given the horrendous and unforgiveable things that some men do to their wives, getting plastered and coming home late once every year or two is not that big a deal. It is at the time of course, just not as a proportion of the marriage.

Hes not gone yet, but will be going to his mothers tomorrow, while I think things over. Obviously there is a bit more than the '2' incidents, DP had a long history of this sort of thing before, but then so did I, and it didnt bother me before. I just dont fancy coping with the cycle of 'drink, fuck up, argue, apologies and self disgust from DP, repeat cycle'

I have no gripes at all about him going out, even if he told me he was going out and it would be a big night, I wouldnt mind, I dont see myself as his keeper, but being fairly tolerant and easy going, I dont want to be taken the piss out of either.

Unfortunately Ladybiscuit, I can only dream of that kind of behaviour these days - the recovery time is just not worth it.

I'm not sure I know any adults who don't act like arseholes now and again.

With my own immature husband, I give him a bloody awful time, not on purpose, just because he has hurt me and when I'm hurt I'm pretty awful. Whenever he has done similar shitty things there is usually lots of other crap going on in his life, usually an explanation.

As Fruitsticks said, the episodes become fewer and further between, think they are just a bit slower at growing up. And, if you both liked to party hard before children, its not like the love of partying goes away.

I can never understand these women who put up with their husbands going out drinking all night and sliding in at 6/7 in the morning and then spending the rest of the day in bed leaving the woman to get on with the day on her own. How little do they think of themselves that they are prepared to put up with being treated like this.

There's no way I would stand for it. When you're in a committed relationship with children then you owe it to your partner and children to be considerate of their feelings and needs, and staying out until 6 in the morning just isn't indicative of that.

Nothing wrong with going out for a drink after work, but if he says he'll be home at eleven then he should be home at eleven or near enough or if not then should ring partner to say he's going to be late. Simply rolling home as and when he feels like it and then expecting consideration of his hangover is just selfish and childish and any woman who puts up with that is a mug.

Op - if your dp gets verbally abusive when he's drunk and loses all consideration for his family ie needs to stay out until 6 AM then clearly he is unable to handle his drink and I would be giving him an ultimatum, either he stops drinking or he can get the hell out. Seriously you don't need someone like that in your life.

I have to admit, the sending him to his mothers is reinforcing his immaturity is making me giggle. If you only knew his mother, you'd know why I was packing him up there!

I think we all need to let off steam every now and then. I've done it. But if I were going t be out until the morning, I would at least give my partner fair warning.

I am inordinately saddened to think that this is the price younger women feel they have to pay to have a DP/DH around the place nowadays

3hourssleep - believe it or not, but they do eventually grow up. I think your immature partner has a good chance - given his 18 months of good behaviour, and just the one slip up.

I feel your fear about the past re-occuring, have been there, it probably will - just on a lesser basis, no-one has a crystal ball.

I would advise against the sending him home to his mother, I'd be more likely to leave the little one with him tomorrow and go and do something you would really enjoy.

If your immature partner's mother is anything like mine - it'll be like a holiday camp for him!!

Wannabe, Im not putting up and shutting up, far from it. This is the first time DP has behaved like this after we have had children, and like Ive said theres no way Im standing for it either. He's gone from here to his mothers tomorrow, until I decide what I want to do.

The alcohol is what I see as a major issue I agree, and needs to be dealt with.

3hourssleep - i recognise your situation. My DH was the same,...until he faced up to the root of his problems and went to AA. He now sees a counsellor for his drinking as AA was a bit full on for him, he is just one of those guys who has huge blow outs from time to time,not constant drinking - and absolutely wonderful hubby and daddy otherwise. But the blow outs make him completely irresponsible which are obviously not compatible with family life. he took the decision me and DD were more important than just another night out after getting so drunk he allowed himself to be befriended by knife welding muggers who kidnapped him for 3 hours and emptied his bank account....

all's been well since but we can never be sure he wont slip again.
i just love him enough to support him through it..it's not being a mug/weak. we've all got our demons.

There'll be no holiday camp for DP up his mothers. Its more like a work house, complete with nagging, and of course her rage about what hes been up to. DP tends to remind MIL of her ex - his father - who used to deal out the same sort of shit.

I dont like to be away from DD on the days I dont work, so there'd be no pleasure in being away from her if he took her out iykwim

Agree with bloodyright on this occasion.

If everyone split up from their partner because one of them once stayed out late (ok very late) without letting the other one know when they would be home - then am sure the divorce/separation rate would be even higher than it is now.

What do you think of getting rid of the dogs? Even if they are gentle and you are not afraid of them being around your DC, they are an imposition by him on you, and may well be adding to your aggro.

Sorry to those who love animals (I'm not especially keen on them, and certainly prefer children), but it could make your life easier, and perhaps making the sacrifice would make some sort of impact on DP.

I agree that becoming an arse under the influence of alcohol is something to address as soon as possible.

I'm not saying you should dump them outright. It's the 'boys will be boys' subtext of some of these posts which make me a bit queasy.

I did the same to my DP a few months ago, the DCs were staying at Mums, I went out and ended up coming home about 6 in the morning...he went mental and we had a big row. But by that afternoon everything was fine, I dont go out very often and if I do Im normally home before 1. It was the first time I had stayed out that late since before we had DCs. I understood why he was angry, but it was never going to be a reason to split up.

Do you have to make him move to his mums, if you think you'll be taking him back? it will be confusing for your DC if he isnt around for a few days or weeks then comes back, I suppose if its just the once it wont hurt but dont make it a regular thing. I know a couple where the father is moving out and moving back in every 5 minutes, and it just seems so unfair on their DCs.

LadyBiscuit - there is no subtext of "boys will be boys". The subtext is - boys will be human and make mistakes just as girls will be human and make mistakes.

with slightlystressed illustrating the point perfectly.

My DH is a 37yr old 'grown-up' 99.9% of the time. He is a great Dad and loving husband but there is a part of his brain that dies the minute he is out with his mates. I have had several incidents like this where he has missed his train/ got so drunk that he hasn't surfaced until 3pm the next day (he usually stays out overnight but always promises faithfully to be home at lunchtime).

I do not condone this. I do not accept it as part of our relationship with a shrug of my shoulders. I make his life hell for several days afterwards. Does it stop it happening? Does it make him a terrible husband/ father? Nope. What it makes him is a man who behaves like a twat when he gets out. Will I stop him going out? No. Do I have to like it though? No.

Some men are childish when they have a drink. Some men will continue to behave like twats when let off the lead

Is it worth splitting up over? Not IMO but it doesn't mean you have to make it easy for him to do it again. Which sending him to his mother's (by the sounds of it) won't.

You may have to accept that you can't make plans for the day after he has been out to save yourself the disappointment. I've had to.

Once or twice a year I go out with the girls, dh always asks what time i MIGHT be in. I KNOW that these nights go on and we end up at someones house, so I always say 'don't expect me before 4am', he is fine with that as I've let him know. BUT I'm usually home for 4.30am

You know what's really sad?

That everyone on this thread bar a few seem to equate 'letting off steam' or the like as going out and getting utterlyrat-arsed all night, and that going out and getting blootered and being worthless for two entire days is some sort of a treat.

Then people wonder why British society has such a terrible problem with alcohol.

How pathetic! That's like, something most people in the world get over when they're about 21.

'I think you're entirely enabling men to behave like children by giving them a bit of a pat on the head and telling them not to be naughty. Personally, I'd rather be in a relationship with another adult, not an overgrown child. '

I couldn't agree more, LadyBiscuit.

Leave and tell him to take his dogs with him,sounds like you will be alot better off just the two of you!!!Life's too short for that shit.

At the least, the dogs would have to go.