Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I having an affair?

66 replies

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:38

I know I am about to open myself up to a barrage of insults, ridicule etc but need to vent and check this out.

I have got in touch with an old school friend via social networking and after weeks of chatting about all kinds of stuff we started to have what I can only call cyber sex. He is in a relationship, I am married. We do it around once a fortnight, it is never planned, it just 'evolves' from our chats. We talk 'normally' at other times. We both regret never having got together when younger, but neither of us have spoken about meeting up, or taking it further.

If my husband was doing the same I would be devastated. But I can't stop it.

Go on then, tell me what you think....(I have name changed for this)

OP posts:

norksinmywaistband · 15/01/2010 22:40

You are stupid , naive and could stop it now.
You know it is wrong, either leave your H now as you obviously don't want to be there or you wouldn't be doing this, or stop it now and be very regretful

Spannerweb · 15/01/2010 22:41

I think you've already answered your own question.

I don't think you're effectively having an affair as such, but admit you'd be devastated if your hubby were doing the same, so I guess you know it's not something you should be doing.

vvvodka · 15/01/2010 22:41

i think its dangerous. but i dont think its something that easy to stop, so i wont tell you to. it doesnt matter whether or not we think you are havingan affair. it jus tmatters what your dh would think. personaally, i think its just mutual masterbation and as such, ok. but no doubt i will also be told i am in the wrong.

PurpleEglu · 15/01/2010 22:41

Yes you are having an affair. Not going to judge because I have been there.

Best thing to do is cut contact. Hard I know, but only a matter of time before it becomes physical. If your marriage is important to you then stop all contact.

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:43

I dearly love my husband but the last few years have been difficult. He suffers from depression and as a result we have has sex once in about 18 months. I think this thing with this man boosts my self esteem. I know I am stupid to do it.

OP posts:

heQet · 15/01/2010 22:43

Ask your husband whether he thinks it counts as an affair.

If you don't want to ask him it's because you know the answer!

You are betraying him. You know that.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 15/01/2010 22:44

social networking sites are the bane of all evil.

You are having an affair. A cyber affair. You should stop it. Or end your marriage.

Spannerweb · 15/01/2010 22:44

In all honesty, would you meet up with this guy if he asked?

heQet · 15/01/2010 22:44

x post with you. That must be hard on you both. It is understandable that you are reaching out for affection but this is not going to help you or your husband, is it?

chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 22:45

Yes, I think if you're doing anything you wouldn't be happy for your DH to be aware of you're crossing boundaries.
Stop it now before you can't.

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:49

Spannerweb, I honestly don't know. I think I would be tempted but I am fairly sure that I would not cross that line. I know people will say I have already crossed it. I do love my husband, and I would not want him hurt. The last few years have been shit, and although never usually been that bothered about sex, suddenly when its being 'witheld' (bad use of word, but struggling for better) I find I want it.

OP posts:

sillysympathy · 15/01/2010 22:50

silly, it could have been me writing that post, which is why i've namechanged, your story is spookily similar to mine. I briefly asked on here for advice once and got honest to goodness advice, but also got a lot of abuse.
You know you're having an affair of sorts, as does he, and you know how your husband would react, the question isn't if you're having an affair but why.

I can tell you why I did it, and these reasons are by no means justification for my actions but it's how I felt at the time
*felt dh didn't love me like he used to and I deserved more love than that
*low self esteem
*vainly loved the attention and compliments
*happy that the feelings i'd had for him years ago were reciprocated
*I was being very selfish and putting my needs and wants before those of my family

I also made this man the answer to my problems.He wasn't. Sto it, stop it now.

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:52

Sillysympathy, what did you do? End all contact? Cos I really do not feel ready to do that yet.
Your reasons are very resonant to me, and all the same

OP posts:

47doublechins · 15/01/2010 22:52

"If my husband was doing the same I would be devastated. But I can't stop it. "

There's your answer.

Spannerweb · 15/01/2010 22:53

Fair shout. It's one thing to fantasise via instant messaging but something else altogether if ever you seriously contemplate meeting up with him and doing something you'll almost certainly regret.

The best thing to do WOULD be to cut all ties with him and stop it before it gets any further, although I appreciate that's not as easy as it sounds.

Schoolgirl · 15/01/2010 22:54

My H did something similar for almost exactly the reasons you describe - general shitty life circumstances, no sex, emotional distance from me (I was pregnant).

It did devastate me as you know it would devastate your H if he found out. It was an affair for the simple fact that he was engaged sexually with a person other than myself - even if he wasn't having sex iyswim.

This was four/five years ago - we're still struggling with the ramifications of his cheating. It took an awful lot for me to get past it and tbh I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive him.

I don't really have any advice for you I'm afraid. It's all a bit too close for comfort for me to do anything but put myself in your H's shoes. If you really do love your H, then start thinking about what that word really means because it sounds utterly empty in the context of your OP.

Do him a favour and decide what your priorities are in life - a cheap thrill or your H's heart.

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:56

He lives out of the country and is moving back to the UK, to a city i visit regularly. Some school friends are trying to arrange a meet up there, and I said to him I thought it would be 'uncomfortable' to meet up. he said he thought it would be fun. I know I could not be in same room as him and dh. I also know that my vanity means I do not think meeting without partners would be good either. ergo, not meeting.

OP posts:

yousaidit · 15/01/2010 22:57

heQet : i like yor advice, i shall use that in future!!

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:57

Schoolgirl, thankyou for your honesty. That helps x

OP posts:

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 15/01/2010 22:57

see, it is already causing you a headache. Now you cant meet up with him and old schoolfriends.

megapixels · 15/01/2010 22:58

Yes I think you clearly are. You have crossed a line that you shouldn't have if you are serious about your commitment to your partner.

crankytwanky · 15/01/2010 22:59

I understand why you're doing it, and really feel for you, but it is wrong.

As Schoolgirl says, you're engaging sexually, albeit not physically.

Is there any kind of counselling you and DH can get together?

pollyblue · 15/01/2010 22:59

You're opening a whole can of worms. Do you see a future for you and your husband or are you really, deep down, looking for an excuse to end your relationship?
If you love your husband and want to stay together, you're going the wrong way about it. Even if he never finds out, what you've been doing is going to niggle away in the back of your mind.
If you can't give up the 'cyber sex', have the good grace to tell your husband what's been going on. To be blunt (and I've been there, so I'm not throwing stones) you started this, so you need to be an adult, bite the bullet and make a decision. Can't stop it, or won't?

Original poster

sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:01

Relate is very expensive, and we cannot afford it as i have looked into it several times.

Hubby has had counselling and it has helped a bit. But I feel rejected, unattractive blah blah blah. This man makes that go away for a little while.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/01/2010 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flip

1 2 3