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Original poster

Am I having an affair?

66 replies

sillygame · 15/01/2010 22:38

I know I am about to open myself up to a barrage of insults, ridicule etc but need to vent and check this out.

I have got in touch with an old school friend via social networking and after weeks of chatting about all kinds of stuff we started to have what I can only call cyber sex. He is in a relationship, I am married. We do it around once a fortnight, it is never planned, it just 'evolves' from our chats. We talk 'normally' at other times. We both regret never having got together when younger, but neither of us have spoken about meeting up, or taking it further.

If my husband was doing the same I would be devastated. But I can't stop it.

Go on then, tell me what you think....(I have name changed for this)

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:02

Won't I guess, pollyblue. For the reasons outlined above.

I know I am being a total twat.

OP posts:
dittany · 15/01/2010 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schoolgirl · 15/01/2010 23:07

I hope my honesty doesn't come across as unsympathetic! In the 10 years we've been married there have been numerous times when I've been tempted to cross the line between flirting and cheating. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of losing H even at those times when he was acting like a prat and it seemed I'd be better off without him!

I suppose part of the devastation was that he didn't love me enough to exercise the same self-control as I did. I have tried to see it from his point of view though and that's been part of getting through it. Once we'd got over the initial shock, we were able to talk through our feelings and he felt able to open up to me about the ways in which I was shutting him out emotionally at the time. It was an eye-opener for me and I know that he was gutted to have caused me so much pain.

Having said that, I really don't think what we gained in perspective takes away from the damage it did in the long-term. It would be better for you to walk away now and never ever tell your H. I think you should put some of that pent-up energy into repairing the cracks in your relationship and hopefully you'll reap the rewards. If not, at least you have a fallback!! That's a joke btw

Malificence · 15/01/2010 23:08

Are insane schoolgirl crushes really that common amongst supposedly mature women?

15 Year olds on facebook I can understand, but this is mental, just stop conversing with him. Whatever happened to self control, not to mention self esteem?

Get a grip woman.

Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:10

No schoolgirl, I appreciate it, really I do. Have just sent the man in question an email asking him what his partner would think. I know he will justfy it, I will feel better and this will carry on until...who knows?

I am going to talk to dh about our relationship in general, but I will never tell him about his.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:11

Clearly malificence, you have a very black and white view of the world.

OP posts:
dittany · 15/01/2010 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:15

Fair comment dittany.

OP posts:
derrymac · 15/01/2010 23:21

get help for your husband to get his mojo back! surely he wonders what lack of sex is doing to you - you must talk about it. Get rid of your cyber playmate - it's not just your DH your hurting, there the other man's DP too. Stop playing with fire, unless you're single and free to do so.

EcoMouse · 15/01/2010 23:21

I have a 'black and white' view of infidelity and I make no apology for it!

Silly, you know you would be hurt.
You know your DH will be equally hurt.
It's your choice to be in a relationship with your DH. If you wish to remain in it, look after it and him as you would surely hope he would you.

Depression can make people very selfish, I can understand that you are finding things tough but you are married and in this together.

If you can't do right by him, leave him. Don't drag him further down.

Schoolgirl · 15/01/2010 23:22

Why does anything the OM says in reply to your email matter? In fact, to ask a particularly blunt question, why have you emailed him? YOU need to justify it to yourself not have it justified by someone who's clearly enjoying having his cake and eating it too.

I don't think it sounds like he's sitting around angsting about what this is doing to his partner which is the defining difference between you. In all seriousness, if this comes out you may end up contemplating a serious relationship with him as in all probability you will have lost your H. Is someone who blithely dismisses their commitment to their wife a person that you can contemplate committing to?

pollyblue · 15/01/2010 23:27

But where's this going to get you? It's giving you a boost now, but even now you're questioning your behaviour. If i've understood your posts, up til now it's been your relationship with your husband/his drepression/lack of intimacy etc that has affected your esteem - now your own behaviour is making you feel sh*tty. It solves nothing.

Following on from Dittanys point - do you know if your cyber friend makes a habit of this? You might be one of several.

Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:29

If my marriage ended I would not be contemplating a relationship with this man.

You are right though, I am making excuses and looking for justification.

I have left my dh a note he is on nights, I am goign to bed - asking him if we can make some time to talk about things. I will not be telling him about this man but I will be telling him i feel rejected and unwanted. He knows this already, but maybe we need to talk about it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygame · 15/01/2010 23:31

pollyblue, thats true, my behaviour does compound my misery. i feel so good after the fact and then a couple of days later the guilt sets in and i feel awful. i guess thats why i am posting here, i cannot talk to friends about this, i would be mortified and they all know dh.

OP posts:
Schoolgirl · 15/01/2010 23:32

Good luck sillygame. Do try to keep yourself distracted and don't underestimate how hard it will be for your to break this "habit". Break it you will though I'm sure

EcoMouse · 15/01/2010 23:48

"If my marriage ended I would not be contemplating a relationship with this man."

Many people who have full blown affairs don't actually want a relationship with the person they blew their 'real' relationship over.

Just an observation.

I hope you can gain control over what you are currently doing and that things improve for you with your DH.

TheresSnowDragonHere · 15/01/2010 23:49

"If my husband was doing the same I would be devastated"

Well, that kind of says it all doesn't it? I think you know what that makes you.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/01/2010 23:56

How much is your H actually doing to address the problems in your relationship? You speak of talking to him 'again' about it, which suggests that you have told him you are unhappy and he has sort of said 'Oh dear' but not made any attempt to compromise or change.

sincitylover · 16/01/2010 00:00

Try to address the reasons why your dh does not want sex. IME men who go off sex are often reticent to deal with it or even address the hurt and loss of self esteem it can cause their partners. Even if they are depressed!

Where is solid gold when she is needed!

If he is not willing to address it then you may have to rethink your marriage because IME if one person witholds sex and is unwilling to address it then you have every right to look elsewhere.

Otherwise this sort of situation can drag on for years and years and will eat away at everything and cause resentment.

So no it's not right, you would hate it if your dh did it but
it is understandable in the circs.

Sorry if that all seems a bit harsh and unlovely but I have been there and it isn't pretty!

sincitylover · 16/01/2010 00:01

ah she got there before me - waves at solid

sincitylover · 16/01/2010 00:04

Wow why do people like this get such a pasting from the moral majority

I am pro marriage, was married for 13 years and was not unfaithful but my exh was depressed and didn't want sex.
I tried to talk to him about it, went to relate (he didn't wish to attend) and tbh felt I would have had every right to address my needs.

I don't think there is anything childish about that at all. IMO the witholding spouse is not keeping their side of the contract.

hambler · 16/01/2010 00:08

If your husband only wants sex once every 18 months I am not surprised you are doing this.
I m more surprised you are not having a real affair

47doublechins · 16/01/2010 00:09

Having a cheap fuck with an ex won't make you feel better.

He's an ex because he found you a cheap fuck; or alternatively... you rejected him.

Either way; fucking anything isn't the answer.

Talking is.

sincitylover · 16/01/2010 00:17

What a bizarre take you have on relationships and sex 47dcs

If something makes you feel 'cheap' then don't do it by all means but the acts themselves are neutral.

So is the only 'right' sex between married couples when your are in love. You can have fantastic sex with people you aren't in a relationship with.

Don't think op has actually had sex with the person in question.

EcoMouse · 16/01/2010 00:23

Sin, if a relationship can't be repaired and no compromises can be agreed upon, how is an OW/M the answer?

If the original relationship is untenable, why not make a clean break?