Am I having an affair?

[sillygame]

I know I am about to open myself up to a barrage of insults, ridicule etc but need to vent and check this out.

I have got in touch with an old school friend via social networking and after weeks of chatting about all kinds of stuff we started to have what I can only call cyber sex. He is in a relationship, I am married. We do it around once a fortnight, it is never planned, it just 'evolves' from our chats. We talk 'normally' at other times. We both regret never having got together when younger, but neither of us have spoken about meeting up, or taking it further.

If my husband was doing the same I would be devastated. But I can't stop it.

Go on then, tell me what you think....(I have name changed for this)

I agree that that's the ideal and certainly what I did. Though towards the very end (when we both knew it was ending) I would have certainly slept with someone else had the opportunity arisen and I had felt it right. My exh would not have been bothered about that - very unjealous person and given that we had sex once in about four years I would not have felt remotely guilty. As far as I was concerned he had demonstrated by those actions he was not interested in keeping to his marriage vows!

What I didn't like was 47dcs saying that 'he was an ex because he found you a cheap fuck' This was someone that op knew from schooldays and as far as I know they didn't sleep together. That was what my comment was mainly aimed at.

Well, one reason why people don't always make a 'clean break' from a lazy, selfish, sex-refusing spouse is because they have been slowly groudn down into thinking that they are worthless and undesirable - it's only when someone else appears on the scene who expresses desire for them that they start feeling alive again (similar dynamic to people whose partners are abusive in other ways: abuse grinds you down and often the only way you start getting any self-esteem back is by someone else being good to you).
And no, I am not saying that everyone with a low libido (or at least lower than their spouse's libido) is lazy, selfish and deserves to be dumped. It;s the ones who have lower libidos and expect their partners just to shut up and accept the lack of sex (ie won't agree to counselling, reading a self-help book or even discussing it properly) who deserve to be cheated on and/or dumped.

SGB you have articulated what I was trying to say.

I think that anything that you covertly with your friend has to be an affair - if you would not tell your DH then,really, you probably know that.

You can stop it - but first you have to want to, and to want to stop it you have to think whether you want to try and fill the void between you and DH or not.

Make a list of all the good things you have with you cyber friend and all the not so good things if you ended it...then do same for your DH. Then trade them off...that gets you perspective. Try it, it will help.

Seriously you are NOT having an affair. An affair is sex with another person. Proper sex, not just talking about it.

You may be feeling something missing from your marriage, but you could just be looking for a thrill....human nature...you're not a bad person but be careful

Affairs are much broader than sex. For many people the sex is the smallest issue, it is the deceit and emotional distance that comes when there is someone else in the relationship that's the killer.

Mainly sillygame you should stop because it isn't fixing anything, you get a cheap (possibly addictive) thrill followed by a horrible low, and you know that it's not going anywhere. Also both you and the OM run a fair chance of getting caught, and then you will be in a really bad place.

So find another way to feel good about yourself (exercise can be a good one) and try and get through this bad patch with your dh (I am assuming that that's what you really want to do). If you feel that you can't go cold turkey then head off or stop the conversations becoming sexual when they go that way with your friend (and work on getting back to that status).

Many full blown affairs start in very similar ways (that's how my dh went) so you really need to think about where this is going, and why the OM is doing this too (and don't rely on what he actually says - Ive seen some of the emails between dh and his ex-mistress, and they were both living in some fantasy land at the time).

Silly, sorry to post and run.
Like I said, our stories are frighteningly similar, but I took it one step further and met him. I don't need to tell you the rest.
I felt no guilt, no shame, just like I'd done something good for myself that wasn't hurting anyone and that was releasing something inside me that would have come out another way otherwise.
It wasn't until my best friend got accused of an affair by her husband and watching her go through a devastating divorce that made me realise the potential pain I was going to cause my dh and dcs if I carried on with the selfish and irresponsible behaviour.
I knew I couldn't just cut all contact, so I gradually stopped texting him, he didn't chase me so that made it easier. Stopped replying to emails, or sent short, uninteresting replies, and it just fizzled out. I still get the odd message now, but it holds no significance to me.
It's only now I can see what a shallow and poor situation I was in and how little it meant to him, despite his words professing otherwise.
It was hard, I won't lie to you, I craved his attention, was desperate to hear from him, but honestly, the longer you leave it, the easier it gets. It is very easy to convince yourself you're doing nothing wrong, or yo're not going to hurt anyone, or that you deserve the love/attention. I was very, very lucky that dh never found out, but now I do feel the shame and guilt, every day.
Please try and be strong and end this, by whatever means. It's not healthy and will drive you to distraction. Don't let it go as far as I did. Good luck. x

I'm with SGB on this... I would say you're not having an affair yet though. The problem when someone won't have sex with you or show you that you are loved and appreciated (I've been there) is that however attractive you intellectually know you may be, you feel like nothing. You feel dull, grey and ignored. You also end up repressing your sexuality to try to cope with what's going on. The danger is that when another man (and sometimes it can be any man) pays you the attention you want at home, you respond. It can also unleash all that pent up sexual need.

I think that's completely natural but if you want to stay with DH you probably need to address this with him. If he won't face up to it (and my ex wouldn't) then you are probably eventually facing an end to the relationship even if this one incident doesn't make it happen right now.

I think anyone who hasn't been on the receiving end of being treated like you're a part of the furniture will find it hard to understand how soul destroying it is when your partner feels no desire for you.

siily, i was in exactly the same position. ended all contact, it is hard, v hard, but worth it in the long run xx

My marriage is not over, I love him dearly and I beleive he loves me too. He has been depressed for a couple of years following some difficult bereavments. He is slowly getting back to be the man I knew before and yes, it is selfish to find you dh's depression hard to live with and to seek solace elsewhere but I am human.

We spoke this morning and he assures me he is still attracted to me and we both agreed that we both need to make more effort. Working shifts, parenthood etc doean't make being in bed and feeling sexy very easy so we are going to make more time for each other. Its no magic cure, but it is a start.

As for the 'OM' I will be stopping any 'extra curricular' activity. I will stay in contact as he is a friend as well as anything else. If it appears that we cannot be in contact on those terms, then contact will stop.

Belle, thankyou, your post said everything I feel x

Hi sillygame, just to add to what's been said here ...

I disagree with those who don't believe it is an affair; it's an emotional one at the very least. Any action that you take with someone else that you cannot talk about with your partner/husband could be construed as an affair.

That being said, the lack of sex is crucial: when one partner is both unable and unwilling to look at sexual problems in a relationship, I think that is grounds for breaking up.

I think you've got several options here - not all of them workable, but they're on the table (and I don't necessarily agree with some of them):

• Resign yourself to a committed but sexless relationship

• Break the relationship off

• Continue and escalate the affair - with all the potential heart-breaking consequences for everyone involved - including partners

• Negotiate an open relationship where you find your sexual fulfilment elsewhere, but with the knowledge of your OH

• Or, finally, focus on your relationship with your husband. When you do this, sometimes (not always, but sometimes) a strange alchemical thing happens: when you turn towards your OH, they start to change and turn towards you. Things start moving and evolving. They transform as you do. I think this only happens in relationships where there is respect and the potential for open communication ... but it's incredible what can happen when you make a decision to focus on the problem, rather than evading it by running into someone else's arms.

Just my 2c.

Yes it is an affair just as whatnolunchbreak said even if it is just an emotional affair. You would be broken if he did it to you, so why do it to him? I won't even go into my own life but my husband did something like this and it didn't even involve sexy talk and we split as a result but are now giving it another go.

I also was suffering from PND when he did this and I would have resented it very much if he said he did it because I was depressed as you said your husband is.

This may sound harsh but instead of speding this time 'talking' to this old friend why not use that time to get closer to your husband and help him with his issues. It takes two and no sex in 18 months is probably not all on him as your attention has been elsewhere so it seems. For better or for worst, sickness and in health, remember?

sillygame I would also like to say that I saw that you are going to make more time for each other which is great and I wish you all the best, I do. Take it one day at a time as some times it is the only way we can do it too.

I do have to say though that staying in contact with this person, even if just as friends may not be helpful as the temptation will always be there. If he is moving back so close too...well I can just see a moment when he is your shoulder to cry on and things go that bit to far. You may want to consider what kind of friend he really is if he let things go this far knowing you are married. I have many guy friends and not once has any of them crossed that line...even when my DH and I spilt for a few months they were there as friends...

Sorry for the rambling...I have just been there and it is interesting for me to see your side as I am used to being on the other side. I know you said you don't want to tell you DH but maybe you should. Maybe it would help him to see that you still choose him and you want him but that things need to change...I don't know...

Yes, you are having an affair, a slightly emotional one as well as the physical side. However good it makes you feel now, and while you are doing it, you will feel crap later and take it from me, it isn't worth it.

Do not tell your dh under any circumstances, about this because it would be kicking the guy when he is down, and very selfish. Just put it down to experience, and recognise that you can't get by without some intimacy (most people can't, nothing to be ashamed about in having excess libedo and no where to take it).

I think you are doing the right thing, and I really hope it goes well for you. One thing I find helps with a partner with low libedo is to encourage them to be intimate in less intense ways. My dh currently doesn't feel very sexy as he has put on weight (and so have I), but having sex only fairly rarely (maybe once every month or two) but because he has become quite demonstrative it's not so hurtful - I still feel very loved, which I think is the key.