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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional Rollercoaster

72 replies

memorylane · 15/01/2010 19:36

I I really have no idea why, BUT, I recently googled my ex H (divorced 30 years ago), and sent a brief message. He responded and we have been sending regular emails for about a month now. Mostly playing catch up with our lives, etc and him being very nice and apologising for letting me down and how he had always regretted it and beaten himself up etc. How I was such a lovely person so on and so forth. From the start he told me he had taken steps to leave his wife (of 30yrs) and would be selling his house in the new year. We exchanged more emails after xmas whereby he told me he had told his wife he wanted out and she was hurt but accepting. Anyway, there was nothing to this on my part other than huge curiosity and him just talking nicely to me etc. Yesterday he said he was scared and when I asked him why he said he was fighting to urge to come and see me. I freaked out and asked him not to, to not do anything that would or could ruin my life and he said he wrote that to get a reaction from me to see if I was a bunny boiler or not, that I obviously wasn't and passed the test. He did suggest we chat on the phone as it would be easier and quicker than emailing and suggested I get a payasyougo sim. Well I did get one and I do feel deceptive towards DH as he has known none of this but I figured I was not cheating exactly I was just being nosey.

I got an email today from my X to say his wife had found some of our emails on the computer and was hurt, He said our communication had to stop or it could be destructive us both and please do not contact him again. I phoned him before I read the email and he spoke briefly to me and asked me not to contact him again, his wife was standing beside him and he asked me would I speak to her. I did and I told her it was purely innocent (my emails are proof of that) and I promised not to get in touch again.

Phew, that was a real rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, unfortunately I was rather enjoying it and I am suprised by how sad I feel now. Had to talk to someone so I hope you guys don't mind me posting here.

OP posts:
Malificence · 15/01/2010 19:52

I think your husband might like to know, especially as it's all "innocent".

Original poster
memorylane · 15/01/2010 20:04

I promise, it was innocent, I was just being curious.

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 15/01/2010 20:25

I know it was wrong, and it was just curiosity and innocent but why do I feel really, really sad we cant email anymore.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/01/2010 20:35

innocent
dont lie to yourself

ItsGraceAgain · 15/01/2010 20:37

Because he's a bit of a nutter, and a manipulator.

"he said he was scared .. said he was fighting to urge to come and see me ... he said he wrote that to get a reaction from me ... I obviously wasn't ... passed the test"

Really? You passed a 'test', which he says he set by pretending to be overwhelmed by the urge to see you?

A man who pretends feelings in order to get a reaction, and then denies those feelings and ADMITS manipulation is one confident game-player. I bet he manipulated his wife into being there when you spoke, too.

You feel weird about it because he a specialist in head-fucking and he fucked yours. Be grateful it didn't go any further.

And delete his details, after you've added his email to your 'trash immediately' list!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 15/01/2010 20:37

I think you enjoyed the attention but you are divorced from him and married to someone else so unless you want to be divorced again, leave well alone.

Original poster
memorylane · 15/01/2010 20:38

I am being totally honest

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 15/01/2010 20:42

ItsGraceAgain - thats exactly what I have done - deleted all.
Yes I did enjoy the attention, I felt quite alive, DH doesn't pay much attention to me. I'm glad I didn't get my fingers burnt but I still feel sad, thats weird isn't it.

OP posts:
hattee · 15/01/2010 20:51

I wouldn't mind one iota if DH was in touch with his ex wife, as I feel secure in our relationship. BUT, I would be furious if he did so secretly, and even bought a new phone purely to communicate with her. It would feel like a real betrayal, even if they never met up.

It sounds like you feel there is something missing from your relationship. Perhaps you should address this, rather than feeling sad for a relationship that ended 30 years ago. Temptation may come your way again, and next time you may get your fingers burned. I think you need to talk to your DH about how you feel so you can work on your current relationship

Original poster
memorylane · 15/01/2010 22:11

Yes hattee, you are right. There is a lot missing from my relationship with DH and I am so lonely. Thats why I didn't feel guilty (well I did), but still went ahead, but I didn't feel bad towards the XH's wife as he said they were spiltting, that was before real communications gor underway. What sort of fool am I to be feeling so affected by this recent liason. I was divorced from XH 30yrs ago and since we were in regular contact I have been remembering our short 2yr marriage (I was very young, he was too) and it feels like all the hurt and wounds have opened up again. I am stunned by this to say the least. I just want to forget this episode now but think it may take some time.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 15/01/2010 22:26

Heck, OP, it sounds as though you're getting ready to review your marriage

Obviously I think it's better to review it than to wake up on your 90th birthday, realising you've been bored senseless for the last 60 years ... but it's a bit scary, isn't it.

It look like you got in touch with your ex due to stirrings of discontent - which is probably a good thing in the greater scheme of things

But FGS, don't get back in touch with the ex again! What he did was seriously, seriously nasty.

Looking forward to your 'current situation review' thread ...

chippychippybangbang · 15/01/2010 22:48

Your ex sounds vile. You had a lucky escape 30 years ago.

I do think everyone should go to Relate for a relationship "healthcheck" once in a while, even if things are ticking over. Maybe it's time for you both to evaluate everything, it could make your life vastly better to have a shake up (not talking about splitting, just revitalising)

BrahmsThirdRacket · 15/01/2010 22:52

I don't think anything is your fault, esp as he had already told his wife he wanted out. But he does sound like a bit of a weirdo with the whole 'test' thing.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/01/2010 00:01

Your X is a very nasty, selfish and spiteful man. There really is no other explanation than that he deliberately fucked with your head (perhaps to wind up or punish in some way his current wife, perhaps because he is mental enough to have held some kind of grudge against you for 30 years).
I think, as others have said, it might well be an idea to reassess your current marriage and see if you want to improve it or put an end to it, but I wouldn't advise confessing 'all' to your current H until you have decided which of the two options you want to take.

Original poster
memorylane · 16/01/2010 08:37

All of our conversations were about him apologising to me basically. He felt guilty and was sorry. He suggested a one off meeting to, as he put it, 'cleanse me of the hurt he caused me'. I think I have got carried away and maybe romanticised a bit, maybe he did too but I don't understand why some of you are saying he is nasty. I must be dim, I don't get it.

When I spoke to his wife she knew all about me as he had told her how he had treated me in marriage and she felt sorry for me. She said he has always felt guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 16/01/2010 09:46

I think he was actually just being honest with me, he was sorry, he felt guilty, he wanted a meet up to explain, he said he would always be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to (I told him my current marriage was not perfect but also not THAT bad),. He said he had tried to ignore my email but couldn't and that he felt 'sick to the core' when I first contacted him. That he was ashamed he didnt reveal his 'inner self' when we were married but he was showing it now (he was talking so emtionally for a man), he never reals his inner self to anyone and rarely goes there himself.

He sounded very nice and genuine and was telling me how he felt. Talked about his life, his kids (grown up), how he accidently got his DW pregnant and ended up in a situation where he HAD to marry her but didn't want to be married or have children but basically just stuck to principles and got on with it. He also said that if the children had not have come along he would have coming looking for me! He got with this girl within the first year or our split.
The wife told me that his gran used to call her by name (mistake, we have very similar names). She also told me that his mother moved in qwith them 2 years ago (she is very iill and she brought along our wedding album! My XH had already told me that he had been unable to dispose of it. The now wife told me how lovely it was etc but it has now gone in the bin.

In a weird way I did want to meet up with him and I wanted to look at our wedding album. I must be a very sad person. Is there any hope for me.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 16/01/2010 10:08

Sorry but he is a shit. He's torturing his current wife and bewildering you - she's had to live with 30 years of him telling her in subtle and not so subtle ways that she's second best and that you were the 'love of his life' (You weren't/aren't by the way - he is the love of his own life) because you were gone and therefore could be romanticized completely without the danger that you might actually answer back.
He was horrible to you when you were with him, He doesn't like women at all. Walk away and put him out of your mind.

piscesmoon · 16/01/2010 10:19

I agree with SolidGoldBrass-and you have fallen for it! You were well rid all those years ago.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/01/2010 12:36

He's a major manipulator, isn't he? I hope the current wife is able to realise he's doing her a favour and eventually gets her self-esteem back. Con artists always sound genuine too btw. It's their stock in trade.

blinder · 16/01/2010 12:44

I think the real issue is the lack of attention you feel in your current relationship.

All this energy could be spent on rekindling your real-life romance with your husband, instead of the now slightly obsessive thinking about your ex.

YoMoJo · 16/01/2010 12:58

X'S are usually that for a reason!

I get email's about once a year or two from an Ex, we had quite a full-on relationship when we were in late teens but i always knew it would go nowhere. Anyway, deep down i think i get a bit of an ego boost from his emails, to think that i still remain in his thoughts after all this time (im now in 30's). Since getting married, his emails are a brief update on what he has been doing, although he is far more interested in what I have been doing.

It is innocent enough on my part, but i still dont tell DH as i dont want to cause him any upset.

Original poster
memorylane · 16/01/2010 14:31

After the email he sent about having the urge to come and see me, I told him I was scared and worried. He responded saying all about it being a test etc to see my reaction and said he wouldnt do anything to upset or ruin my life and it was up to me if I made further contact - and I did! Maybe HE worried I was going to stalk HIM? I don't know, I obviously do not read situations very well. If he has been feeling guilty for 30 years which he has told me maybe he was flattered that I sought him out and the situation is nothing more sinister than than. His wife knew all about me and how our marriage had failed and even met some people who knew me when I was married to my XH. She said she is a very jealous person but went on to say that you don't stay in a marriage for 30yrs for no reason, so probably they have been relatively happy. Thier kids are both over 26yrs. She said my wedding album was lovely. Guess she will have to deal with him now, although I would like to know the truth of this situation I guess I never will. My friend thinks he will contact me again when the dust settles but I don't think that is the cae. He came across as very mature, sincere and apologetic. I don't think he was looking for anything more. Agree, I need to use this energy into my current marriage, I have invested too many years in it to let it fall apart. I feel so vunerable, like a little girl again and don't know who I am. I feel transported back in time since I was talking to XH for however stupid that sounds. It took me quite a few years to get over him and this silliness of mine has basically relit the fire a little

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 16/01/2010 15:29

I just wanted to me up once, just to see. I wish this wouldnt occupy so much of my mind but it is doing so, I know I must be mad but I am still hurting at the sudden cessation of the communications

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylane · 16/01/2010 15:29

meet up once

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 16/01/2010 16:03

I think if you meet up things will never be the same again so be very careful.