Emotional Rollercoaster

[memorylane]

I I really have no idea why, BUT, I recently googled my ex H (divorced 30 years ago), and sent a brief message. He responded and we have been sending regular emails for about a month now. Mostly playing catch up with our lives, etc and him being very nice and apologising for letting me down and how he had always regretted it and beaten himself up etc. How I was such a lovely person so on and so forth. From the start he told me he had taken steps to leave his wife (of 30yrs) and would be selling his house in the new year. We exchanged more emails after xmas whereby he told me he had told his wife he wanted out and she was hurt but accepting. Anyway, there was nothing to this on my part other than huge curiosity and him just talking nicely to me etc. Yesterday he said he was scared and when I asked him why he said he was fighting to urge to come and see me. I freaked out and asked him not to, to not do anything that would or could ruin my life and he said he wrote that to get a reaction from me to see if I was a bunny boiler or not, that I obviously wasn't and passed the test. He did suggest we chat on the phone as it would be easier and quicker than emailing and suggested I get a payasyougo sim. Well I did get one and I do feel deceptive towards DH as he has known none of this but I figured I was not cheating exactly I was just being nosey.

I got an email today from my X to say his wife had found some of our emails on the computer and was hurt, He said our communication had to stop or it could be destructive us both and please do not contact him again. I phoned him before I read the email and he spoke briefly to me and asked me not to contact him again, his wife was standing beside him and he asked me would I speak to her. I did and I told her it was purely innocent (my emails are proof of that) and I promised not to get in touch again.

Phew, that was a real rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, unfortunately I was rather enjoying it and I am suprised by how sad I feel now. Had to talk to someone so I hope you guys don't mind me posting here.

Memory Lane - isn't this the more likely scenario?

Man married for 30 years, children grown up and marriage not unhappy, but not exactly brimming with passion and intimacy. Out of the blue, you get in touch. He doesn't feel as guilty about this correspondence, because of your history, but you do start to resemble a rare opportunity for an extra-marital liaison.

You got in touch with him, so he tells himself he's not responsible for chasing an affair. He enjoys the secrecy of the contact and you remind eachother about the old days when you were both young, carefree and more physically beautiful. His instant response to your E mail (because of what it represents) is to give you permission to keep contacting him, because he's leaving his marriage anyway (what an amazing coincidence of timing!!)

In reality, he's not going anywhere and never was. His wife notices a change in his behaviour and either from past experience or just gut feeling, starts snooping. She uncovers the E mails and has a showdown. tells him that this must stop and that if their marriage has any hope of continuing, he must end it in her presence. A kind woman, she speaks to you herself too and puts you straight, giving you excuses for her husband's behaviour (he felt guilty, I agree he treated you badly and I feel sorry you had to go through that). What a decent woman - she could have given you hell for intruding on her marriage like that, you know.

Isn't that closer to the truth?

With all due respect ,i also think that you have been flattered with the attention as you say you need some emotion and i gather from your posts it is making you feel emotionally in need,because your DH has distanced himself.

As a victim of what you two have been doing,
end it today ...please..it destroyed mine and my childrens lives....and its selfish of both of you

alypaly AND whenwillifeelnormal, YES and YES

alaypaly do you feel like sharing your experience?

whenwillifeelnormal - i think you have so totally hit the nail on the head. You are very wise and i wish you were my friend in RL.

To ever be a friend to this man you need to be a friend of his marriage first - you clearly are not as you are not repecting her request to have no further contact.

As always this man is not being totally truthful is he - he is telling you what you want to believe that you are not destroying their marriage - you are in fact allowing him to be dishonest to her. I know she is not your responsibility but you also must know that you are not treating her very well are you?

it's kind of sweet that you believe what he tells you ... And also kind of dumb. I don't think he'd asked his wife for a divorce. I think she found his first email to you (in which he said he was divorcing, to reel you in). Imagine what a shock that would have been! Imagine, then, the long & painful 'relationship' discussions that followed - where he protests his innocence, and she says 'prove it then, let me talk to her'

Of course he asked you to do a Sim switch. This way he can use his emails (which his wife is checking) to keep her off-balance, while manipulating you over the phone. He's a nasty piece of work and will DESTROY you if you carry on playing his game.

Put the sim in a public waste bin. Add his email to your Block list. Tell your husband you want to go to Relate. Good luck.

if you dont believe us then give him a 'test' - dont answer the phone and see how long it will be before he tracks you down another way.

Get out now - if you talk to him again he will tell you lie after lie after lie. Dont ask me what he is after it may not be an affair but whatever it is it surely is not totally above board otherwise he would not have asked you to get a 'secret' sim would he?

Memory....when you are in an emotionally numb relationship,it is difficult to not want what you percieve others have. You want the physical ,emotional and verbal closeness ,which is what you havent got now.

Ask yourself why you and your DH are together now. Is there anything in your relationship that he fulfills...or is it just devoid of everything you crave and feel you want.

All you are getting from yourliaison with your ex,is a feel good feeling. Its making you feel wanted,sexy and human again.Its making you feel that animal lust that people get when they first start dating and thats why it is playing on your mind.Also secrecy creates a kind of sexual exciting tension that becomes attractive to both parties,because you both know you shouldnt be doing it.

Why are you not intimate with your DH,it takes two to tango...take the initiative...Im sure he wont turn you down. Its not just up to the man to make the first move. Maybe he feels you dont want him.

and another thing - if he really is divorcing her why could she not name you as the ow?
If she finds out about this continued contact i think she would have every right to drag you into what could be a messy divorce. Your h many then HAVE to find out that you could be nammed in your ex's divorce.

Memory Lane - if I was a friend in RL to you, I'd be suggesting you use this as catalyst to resolving your own relationship issues - I understand why your relationship isn't healthy enough for a disclosure of your behaviour, but honestly don't think your marriage can reach its potential while there are secrets like this. However, in your shoes my goal would be to get your marriage to a point whereby a disclosure of this nature won't have the devastating effects that you think it will now. If your grievances are not being resolved with your H, a third party counsellor can really help. However, you have worked out yourself that the solution to your current unhappiness and discontent is never going to be an illicit relationship of any kind. It never is.

It will help you if you acknowledge that your actions have in fact hurt another woman very much indeed - your denials have probably been partly to shield yourself from that painful truth and I've got no doubt he's doing the same. Don't compound that hurt by continuing the contact - if you're a decent woman yourself, I think it will make you feel worse.

If I was a friend to his wife, I would be advising her to get to the bottom of why he has felt the need to do this - and how it was possible to treat the woman he's meant to love with such disrespect and contempt. I hope she doesn't make the mistake of thinking that just because you go away and contact ceases, the problem is solved.

It sounds like you and your DH are very reserved about talking about your feelings IRL, and the way your ex "opened up" to you has made you feel a renewed bond with him. Hardly surprising, if you're not used to having a man confide in you. HOWEVER just because he expresses his emotions, does not mean he is a nice person. Like everyone else I read this thread thinking "bollocks is he getting divorced", he is making his wife's life a misery and interfering in yours too. More bollocks WRT his "test" - he really wanted to meet up with you and when you said no he preyed on your low self-esteem to get himself out of an embarrassing situation.

In situations like this it's easy to feel that there is only one way out of the sad state you're in at the moment, and that's through him (not saying an affair, just in a vague sense of another life). But that's not true. You could go to Relate as people are suggesting and hear about your DH's feelings for a chance. Or if you're sure it's over you could move out and look for attention in a legitimate way, in a new relationship without all this stuff (wives, husbands, divorce - prob for very good reason) around you.

He's not being nice to you, he's being a shit to his wife, and he's manipulating you into keeping secrets from your DH - he's bad for you OP. Now's your chance to dump him and move on with your life.

"he's manipulating you into keeping secrets from your DH - he's bad for you OP. Now's your chance to dump him and move on with your life."

Hang on - the OP is an adult who is entirely responsible for her decisions and actions - he is not "manipulating" her. She can chose to ignore him if she wishes.

She is also not responsible for the relationship between her ex and his wife - that is entirely up to the two of them. If the ex is in contact with her, that is his responsiblity.

Sorry, but I think some of the replies completely over-step the mark in terms of personal responsibility. No third party is reponsible for somone else's marriage.

As it happens, the ex does sound like a bit of a prat, but again that is up to the OP to judge. The whole thing about the wife listening in while he spoke to the OP sounds ridiculous and childish.

I couldn't care less if my partner wanted to talk to any of his exes. That is up to him. He is an adult, responsible for his own decisions and actions, and I am not his mother, thank god!!

When he suggested that you get a new SIM, basically he was asking if you were up to something beyond innocent. When you got that SIM, you confirmed that you were prepared to do things with him (your XH) that your DH must never know of because it would hurt him. Now whilst you by the sound of it only meant conversation, he might well have understood something else. I would not be surprised at all if you found him at your door at some point.

You were wondering about why you felt as you do, why the emotional rollercoaster and all. Well here's a very speculative theory, but perhaps you can find something in it that rings true?

You said he treated you really badly when you were married and that when the relationship broke up, you were left with zero self-esteem. I'm wondering - why the low self-esteem? Probably because he manipulated you into thinking (or feeling, at least) that you were worth nothing. Maybe he was unfaithful, but instead of you thinking what a bastard he is, he manipulated you into thinking it was your fault - obviously you weren't good enough for him or he wouldn't have had the need to find other women. Or maybe he hit you and managed to make you think that it was your fault, as you provoked him. Or maybe he just spent all your money on his own interests and never spent time with you, and at the same time made you think you were at fault because you were too boring to capture his interest.
So then when your marriage ended, you spent years working back to some semblance of a normal life and self-esteem. But perhaps he hurt you so profoundly that you always kept a nagging doubt - perhaps it WAS my fault? Perhaps I should have done something differently? Perhaps if only...? So though you got on with your life and put that time behind you, you never became confident enough to realise - NO, HE was a bastard! Otherwise why would you have sought him out again?
So now you get in touch with him and he pours his feelings out to you. He admits his guilt, says he did wrong... he finally assuages that doubt. He tells you: No, it was not your fault, it was my fault, and I am so sorry. Obviously your emotional state becomes precarious! The relief... he who destroyed your self-esteem is now telling you it was not your fault. Isn't that the best reassurance ever?
BUT the problem with this is that you are again making your emotional well-being and self-esteem dependent on this man. This man who has proven not to be trustworthy - proven it to you, and to his wife. You are letting his flattery make you feel good... Why should it matter to you what this man thinks and does? He says he repents... didn't he say that, perhaps many times, while you were still together - just to go on and do whatever he did again a bit later? Why do you believe him now?
Maybe now, thirty years later, is the time to finally get over him. He hurt and denied you so much that your self-esteem never really recovered (as you wrote). Now you have it in your hands. You can deny him. YOU can control what happens from here.

Why not get your DH on board? If you put it like this: "I have been in touch with my XH by e-mail. I thought it was just friendly chatting, it was interesting to hear what he has got up to, did you know that he has been married for thirty years now and has two adult kids? But now it seems like there is something else happening. He has lied to his wife, he has asked me not to tell you that we have been in touch, I think he wants to meet, it's starting to creep me out! I don't know what he's getting at but it is a bit scary. So if he ever calls, can you please tell him I don't want to talk to him?"

I'm sure that once your XH realises that you are not the easy-to-be-manipulated young girl anymore, but instead a happy, self-assured mature woman with no interest whatsoever in having an affair with him, he'll lose interest in you pretty quickly.

Alternatively, make it clear to him (XH) that you are braking your implicit secrecy pact. Even if you tell your DH nothing, still pretend to your XH that you have been talking to your DH about him. That would make your XH realise pretty quickly that he is not going to have an affair with you. And as he appears to be such a prick, I'm afraid but sure that he will lose interest. Then you will know that he really isn't worth any of your attention or emotions.

I know that Potty, it's her decision of course. I'm just trying to make the OP see that he is only bringing negative things into her life, for example, if he hadn't suggested phone thing I don't suppose she would have thought of it. He's only being nice to himself, in fact.

Good post Meita.

potty - what you say is correct. The op is not responsible for her x and his marriage.

However his wife is a person and she has actually asked the op not to contact her h. I think this is a fairly reasonable request from her (she had probably been fed a line about op being a bunny boiler anyway). Surely the op can respect that at least.

of course the op is an adult and hopefully she is not being manipulated - but the signs dont look good do they.

When you have seen this happen it is very hard not to 'see' what is going on.

also meant the op owes her ex nothing and so should not feel bad about not taking his calls and do exactly what she KNOWS he has told his wife - have no contact at all.

Absolutely superb reply, Meita. On the money, I'll bet.

Oh Potty, I think you would care (I assume) very much if you discovered that your H was telling another woman your marriage was at an end - and it was the first you'd heard of it. Discovered that he was trying to arrange a meeting with said woman and suggesting she communicated in secret with him. Do you really think his wife was "childish" wanting a window into a relationship that has been kept entirely secret from her? If the E mails she uncovered had been innocent in content and he'd been open about their existence, then the wife would not have reacted in the way she did - you can see that, can't you?

As for personal responsibility, do you also think that engaging in a secret correspondence with a married man is kind and decent behaviour towards that man's wife?

It's too easy to say we have no responsibility towards others' relationships. We all have a duty to behave decently to one another and treat others as we would like to be treated. I'm pretty sure that Memory Lane would rather hope that if her husband was in a coffee shop right now with a female colleague, and he was moaning about his wife's menopause, their lack of sex life, her hot flushes and the fact that their bed is so cold he's had to move out of it, that female colleague would not be saying: "How awful for you, she sounds a nightmare - have me instead!"

If he took her up on it, it would be his responsibility - but you'd have some trouble persuading me that the colleague had behaved decently.

whenwill - that is exactly it - friends need to be friends to the marriage.

I know me and my friend have a good old moan about our h. I think it is hard when men and woman are friends - often it is the woman who can 'read' it wrong too.

The op feels 'honoured' that he has opened up to her - which puts her in a very different position to start with regards to this 'friendship'.

ok, I have told him. I cannot talk to him anymore. He was very accepting and understands why. I said with everything going on his life, splitting with wife and terminally ill mother living there he has enough on his plate without us being in touch. He said being in touch with me was actually a bit of escapism for him which I can totally relate to. Feel quite sad now but thats where I leave it.

if you feel sad there is more to it. You need to make the emotional break as well as the physical link otherwise your own relationship wont work. I think everything you are saying about your ex is also true of you. It is escapism for you two and an ego boost

Well done Memorylane. That was the right thing to do, you know. You do need a confidante I think, but a "safe" one (straight female friend for pref!). And to sort out your other problems re your H. Very best of luck with it all.